Unfold the Rose...

A young, new preacher was walking with an older, more seasoned preacher in the garden one day. Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older preacher for some advice. The older preacher walked up to a rose bush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing any of the petals. The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry. But, because of his great respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try and unfold the rosebud while keeping every petal intact . It wasn't long before he realized how impossible this was to do. Noticing the young preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older preacher began to recite the following poem:

It is only a tiny rosebud A flower of God's design;

But I cannot unfold the petals

With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers

Is not known to such as I.

GOD opens this flower so sweetly,

Then, in my hands, they die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,

The flower of God's design,

Then how can I have the wisdom

To unfold this life of mine?

So, I'll trust in Him for leading

Each moment of my day.

I will look to Him for His guidance

Each step of the Pilgrim's way

The pathway that lies before me

Only my Heavenly Father knows.

I'll trust him to unfold the moments,

Just as He unfolds the rose.

Verses that Spoke to Me...

This Sunday at church a few verses were used. They meant a lot to me. Amazing what a Sunday can do for you (or any day for that matter at church).

This was one of them:

Isaiah 38:15-17
15 But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.16 Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.

Another one was:

Isaiah 54:10
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

The last one was:

Romans 8:38
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

So I Have Been Gone...

So I haven't been writing much.

I don't even know what to write. Well that isn't true but I am afraid to write it for some reason.

I haven't been doing that great. Last Wednesday I got some bad news. I guess in some ways it is good news but it is really sad for me. Something I have wanted for so long is now lost. I have told a few people and actually told them but for the most part - no one knows. I think 3 people in real life know. The more I think of it - the more real it is. The more I talk about it - the more real it is. Right now - I don't want it to be real.

I went to the bar last Wednesday night to watch the game and it was rained out. Instead I listened to Karaoke. I sang along but I could not get myself up to sing and I love to sing. Went again on Friday night and did the same thing. Went again on Saturday night and did the same thing. At the end of Saturday night though I gave a slip to Caroline and told her that if she keeps it and if I come back and if she remembers me - I would sing it. I kinda hope she forgets.

I have been doing some stupid things and not really caring about it. Not even going to get into those things right now.

I have been looking at houses and getting discouraged. I have had some sunlight shine down on me though about some of it. I stopped at a house on Sunday that was having an open house. I knew it was either not big enough with rooms or out of my price range because I didn't have the sheet. Yet I stopped anyway - the lady doing the open house was wonderful. She told me about a rural development thing that is offered in our area. Just have to be north of 6 mile. It is almost like Section 8 housing help but for people who can get a home instead! She said she would look into it for me and have someone get back with me. She actually called me today and handed the phone over to a guy who could help me. I was blown away that she got back to me so quickly. We talked for about 45 minutes yesterday and she didn't care that my mortgage had to be so small - she was willing to work with me even if I don't qualify for the rural development loan. It was nice to hear because most people haven't even bothered to call me back after I give them the details.

I am not feeling like I belong at my brothers house. They have done nothing to make me feel unwelcome and the boys are fine here - I just don't feel at "home". I want to feel at home someplace. I want to have my own place.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew it would take some time. I knew all of this but it has been two months and I still don't have a place and I would like a place to call home.

I am feeling drained and tired and worn out and misunderstood and and and...I am not only now standing my ground with Keith but I have to do it with Todd. Long ago I should have stood my ground with my mom but I never did and now I need to learn how to create boundaries with her as well.

My parents never taught me how to create them and I never have created them with anyone! There is a whole lot of growing going on and it is very draining

Saturday Night...

While at Cheers I went to the bathroom and my old neighbor was there. She feels so bad and the whole neighborhood is talking and knows I left.

Yet the best news of all was this, "Your MIL went to all the neighbors to talk to them and let them know what you did but she never gave the same story."

Are you crazy?! Are you serious?!

I was furious and I still am!

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

World Series?

Well I know ONE of my friend is from Missouri and I know I am from Michigan (imagine that) so - we are kind playing each other right now.

I have been kind been really happy with the fact that I can watch these games. I am not asked to turn the TV off or to change the channel. I can watch the games and enjoy them!

Of course I huff and puff over the mistakes made BUT I would do MUCH worse if I was out there playing myself!

I am just really happy that the Tigers made it to the world series again!Games on and Cards have the bases loaded with ZERO outs! ARG.....

Gonna go watch it now...

What is Waiting for Me?

Today has been a day of disappointments. It seems like it is one thing after another. I do not even know where to start really. It has just been insane really.

Being Christ-like with a son who does nothing but yell at you is hard. I so often just want to smack him but I don't. I know the thoughts are just as bad but I am just going nuts.

My brother said something to him tonight. I spent 45 minutes or longer trying to help him with ONE math problem and all he did was argue with everything I said. I then started to help him with his science and he would not do it - yelled and yelled and started to argue; so I finally walked away.

Now here I am really to pass out and my brother and sister in law are helping him with his homework. No yelling, no arguing, no problems - it is me. I am the problem. I am the one who has created the problem. I have no idea how to fix it either because when we move they will not be there to help him and we are going to be stuck again with him not doing his school work and him failing because it is me the person he hates.

I am feeling pretty ugly about right now as well. I'm taking on the attitude of what I have been hearing for nine years. I mean it has always been there but today more than normal. I mean I look at myself and I think who is ever going to want this person (even if it is my current husband)? I see the ugliness. I see how fat I am. I see how selfish I am. I see how I don't have options to ever been with a Godly man. I see all negative things.

Are there really guys out there who don't use porn or oogle at women? Are there really men out there who are involved with church and ministry? Are there really guys out there who love and honor their wives like God intended? Are there really men out there who enjoy their wives and talk to them and spend time with them? Are there really guys out there who just want to see their wife and no one else? Do those men really exist?

Christ-like...

When others look at you - do the see Christ? Do your words show Christs love? Do your actions show His love? Does your forgiveness show His love? Do you witness well for the Lord?

I don't all the time. I do not know what others see when they see me but I know I am not always the person I should be.

I have room to improve in many areas. I find myself swearing every once in a while but nothing like I used to. I find myself talking about others at times and I should not but again nothing like I used to. I find myself being harsh towards my boys when I have no reason to but again nothing like I used to. I find myself being impatient with other drivers but nothing like I used to (but this truly is one I need lots of growth on).

So I don't know what people see when they "see" me but I know they don't see who I was over two years ago. I feel as if I am in-between being Christ-like and being who I was.

I've Been Gone...

I have not written much over the past week and a half because I have been thinking about the "As is...." statements that were made all last Wednesday (okay so it was two Wednesday's ago)... It really was the theme for the day...

We all come "as is". There are non of us who do not have some sort of issues to deal with. There is not a single person who is perfect. We all have some kind of baggage. We all have our mat (the man who could not walk who had to depend upon everyone else to get him where he needed to go).

The questions though were can you live with the person you are with without them changing? Can you be with them and their "as is" label today? You can not expect a person to change because you do not agree with how or who they are; even if it is not "right" in your eyes. Are you better off with them or without them how they are right now?

The other part that went along with all of it was who do you share your mat with? Who do you trust enough to share your burdens with? Who trusts you enough to lay their burdens on you? Is there a consistently or do you struggle because of their wavier?

It does not mean that they need to agree with your course of actions but you know they will support and love you no matter what you decide to do.

Who are the people in your life who share your mat? Who are the people in your life who you believe if you needed them they would be there?

Do you have anyone?

I have been struggling this week with these questions.

Could I walk back into my house and live with Todd as he is? I could not. I have not seen so clearly in the past 9 years but right now it still has a lot of fog and haze and I can see how wrong it has been. I still can't put "words" to what was wrong but I am trying.

Not everyone understands either. I still hear things like, "Well there is a lot of hurt and anger and then you left so it will take a long time." or "How do you expect him not to be angry? You have to give it time and just let it go and get to a point that isn't so bad."

Where is that point?

God does miracles - I believe this but He has given us all free will and if the other person sees nothing wrong with what they do - it isn't going to change anytime soon.

What am I getting at? I really don't know. I am still really confused but more and more I see what was wrong and I see what he isn't willing to change.

My heart has been crushed and I have no idea what is okay to do or say or feel because no one understands.

I have been trying to think of those who I share my mat with and I really don't have anyone. I have this journal that I keep and people who read it; I have no idea if they really understand or not or if they think I am right or long and that is a struggle with me.

At first I thought it was Lisa and I do but I tend to not say much because everything I say - she tells her husband and others.

Over this past weekend it became very apparent that everyone I talk to who I am sharing confidences with - tells other people. I ran into a guy I haven't seen in 3 years now and he knows someone at church and he knew my situation.

Maybe it is all me and my lack of trust for anyone.

Struggling...

Last night was our last therapy session for a while. Yes they have only just started I know...

My oldest is very depressed and I am afraid it will turn suicidal. This has been an issues in the past. I right now feel that the need for him to be in therapy is greater than the need for the marriage therapy.

Now that isn't completely true. It isn't that the need is greater but it is that I have to pick what I can afford to pay for and he comes first right now.

I addressed it last night in therapy letting DH know that if he wanted to continue it and pay for it fully he could (the only way I could get him there was to agree to pay 1/2). He said he would not have this put on him and if I was not willing to pay for 1/2 because that is what I agreed to then it would be my fault we were not there because he would not be blamed and he didn't feel we need it anyway. He was only there because I said we needed it.

He was very angry when we left and I was in tears. Lots of things were said in those 55 minutes and not much of it good.

I am reading a book right now. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Very eye opening book. Most of it so far is my life. It makes me feel good that I am seeing what goes on but it makes me sad that so many people do this stuff that there are books about it.

I am in a struggle though because of the usual things... Of course now I am seeing the usual things are not real but a perception I have developed over the years... Actually that isn't true - I have always known that it wasn't real but when you hear and live with things 24/7 for 3285 days - you believe those things that are not real....

Please pray for me. Please pray for him.

As Is..

That seemed to be the theme yesterday...

Sorrow

I know Kyle and my relationship did not become this way overnight and I know it won't get better overnight either. Yet each day he pushes more and more and I break. I end up yelling at him.

He is rude, he is disrespectful, he refuses to do anything that is asked of him and getting him to do his consequence is next to impossible.

I am in tears every day for many reasons. Partly because I know I brought this on myself. I treated him so badly. He and I are very much alike and in turn we butt heads... I am pulling my hair out and I do not know how long I can take this.

To be honest this is just one of many things that are bringing me to this point.

The insurance issue, the dealing with my husband who believes and twists reality, the car breaking down left and right, the lack of apartment, the many other broken relationships in my life and so many other things. It is just one thing after another.

I have a friend who is dealing with a lot of stuff and I am struggling with just listening. I don't want to give her advice because my advice is very tainted right now. I am very upset with her husband though and his double standard. They have both been friends of mine for a long time now but the whole thing is - looking in; I am really sad by watching it. I hate seeing the possibility of them going through the same thing I am going through right now and I can see it happening. Not tomorrow but - give it some time. I would venture a guess though that if things do not change; within about 6 years she would find a way to make it on her own. It makes me really, really sad...

I have to get going. If you read this please pray - I go see my PDoc tonight.

Beaten Down...

How in the heck will we get anywhere?

He can't even remember the conversation we had two days prior with the therapist! How the heck are we going to accomplish anything?

The breakfast on Friday is now something I screwed up because he remembers trying to set up a time and place with me and I refused so he told me to call him and let him know.

How do you deal with someone who isn't in the same reality you are?

I am tired. I am really tired. I can't keep fighting his truth when it is not real to anyone but him.

I do not even want to go to our breakfast meeting on Friday because everything that is said will be twisted and turned and I can't keep on doing this...

I don't even want to try right now. I know it is wrong but that is how I am feeling right this second.

He always puts words in my mouth, he is always twisting what was said or not said and I am tired from fighting over it all.

I am ready to lay down and not get back up..

Peace...

So it is Sunday. I have been speaking with my Pastors on a regular basis. Either in email, on the phone or in person. They have been aware of my steps, my struggles and my ups and downs.

I am sitting here today with the TV on in front of me. I am watching NASCAR. This is the weekend they are in Alabama at Talledaga. Back in 2004 Todd and I were in a real struggle. We had not been intimate in 255 days total (in a row). He hated me because I caught him doing things and he was mean about it. I was praying a lot for strength and the wisdom to do what was right.

He called on a Friday at about 4:30 and asked what we were doing for the weekend. I said church and Kyles football game. He asked if we would like to go to Alabama for the race. One of the guys he worked with was making a last minute trip down there with his family and they asked if we wanted to join them.

So we did. We got everything ready and then after Kyles game headed down to Alabama for the race on Sunday. It was a wonderful time. We got along. We didn't fight even though we spent 28 hours in the car together. We stopped at different spots on the way home to explore and look around. We had a wonderful weekend.

Now here I am this weekend - watching the race on TV and my husband is no where to be seen. I can't go into the next room to say hey. I can't lay down in bed and have him cuddle with me. I can't go give him a hug. I can't reach out to him.

My heart is breaking today. I talked with Pastor Mark today. I prayed with Pastor Mark today. I know it is okay. I know I will be okay. I know the Lord loves me. I know He is with both of us during this time.

Please pray for peace with all who are involved right now. We have some very rough times ahead of us and we all need to know that the Lord is with us and we will be okay.

Another Day Down...

So I called the legal aid office today.

He was supposed to call today for a breakfast meeting and I was supposed to pick the place we were to go. He never called until he called about Adam and I asked him if he forgot about our breakfast date he said no.

He changed our prescription coverage to 50% and never said word one to me and he has had plenty of time to do it. It isn't just that - he changed our whole health plan and never said a thing.

Kyles scripts are gonna cost me around $200+ a month. My one script alone is 200. Plus I have all my other stuff.

He knows money is an issue and yet this. He refuses to pay for 100% of therapy and I can't afford it now. Every cent I am earning with my job will have to go for all of our prescriptions each month and there is no way around it.

I am at a loss. I am tired of being the only one who is trying. I am tired of the lies. Please pray for me this weekend because right now I am beyond broken.

I try to see it through his eyes. I try to understand where he is coming from.

I don't see anything now. I just see how upset I am. How hurt I am.

Have no idea where this phone call with go. Probably no where. I am just working on my options right now.

Please pray.

It just keeps on getting harder and harder.

I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Someone said they thought maybe (with the phone calls) he just didn't want me to miss the calls. I tried to see that he was only concerned. Nope - his next email said something about how he doesn't have time to deal with my phone calls during the day and so on.

There are days I have so much hope and then something else goes wrong and I lose all hope again.

How long do I need to try and try to be stomped on again and again....

Here's the Deal...

We have started therapy and things are going.

I have realized what the deal is.

Our issues are deep but anyone who knows about us knows that.

I am a mean mom to my oldest son. I truly am. I am cold to him. I am mean to him. I am rude to him. I don't show him respect. I long ago cut myself off from him emotionally. I know why; something came to me and it is so hard for me to even admit.

It isn't that I hate my son but I turned off my emotions for him long ago because in order to make it in the house we were living in - I had to. I could not stand watching him be treated the way he was but I had no voice and I didn't know how to stop it. I was living in fear of my DH leaving me and thus leaving all of us stranded.

I have let this go on for years and years and year. It is no wonder he is like the way he is - who would not be; being grounded all the time, not feeling loved every, not being allowed to talk or voice your opinion and the list goes on.

I really need prayers right now... A few things I know right now...

1. I do not know if I can lay my heart and soul out there right now. Each and every time I do it gets smashed and crushed and hurt and I am not ready to go through that again.

2. I have been told I need to know when enough is enough or where my limit is. I do know some of it but not all of it. One thing is for sure - I will not move my children back into that home with things remaining the way they are; yes our marriage is broken but our children need to be treated different as well.

3. I am dealing with a lot of angry towards my DH and towards myself. I am not harboring anger; I am dealing with it as it comes and I am truly working through it all (I see a therapist on my own) but each time I get through one bit of it another one shows up. It is getting very tiring.

4. I do not love my DH right now. Please no lectures on this. For a while I was struggling with this but right now I believe it is okay and the reason is because we never had a courtship or anything. We never developed a love for each other. I got pregnant and he stayed. I didn't love myself how could I love anyone else. I have nothing to look back on and truly we had some good times but the bad times are what I see right now. I have no love for DH now. Now the reason I am okay with it right now is because I do not want to go back to the way things were so I don't want that old love to be there. I want new and better and Godly. If we go back to what we had; we will be right where we were before.

5. I really need to have inner peace. Actually I do and God is showing me that it is okay and He is with me. I am just struggling with the negative things people are saying to me. I have a few people in my life who never see the things that go on as God opening doors for me; they just see all the negative that goes with it. I need to have the peace when those around me try to invite the enemy in.

Emotionally Drained

What a day...

Took my car back into Saturn. Another thing wrong with it. No joke. How in the heck can anything else go wrong on my car? 4 weeks in a row now. FOUR! Before leaving I stopped in and asked if there is literally anything else that could go wrong - of course there are other things that could go wrong on it; how silly to think everything could be fixed.

Then lets look at the fact I had marriage therapy today. Yup that went - it went. We are going to have breakfast on Friday. He is going to call me and I need to think about where to go. I am thinking either Burger King or McDonalds. It is all I can afford. It is supposed to be a weekly update meeting. Nothing in depth. Just to talk about what goes on during the week, my new job, the kids, and stuff like that.

Then tonight Tony and I had a talk about Kyle. I knew it was coming though. I knew it was coming because I made Kyle go to bed when we got home from church. Of course that came up because Kyle told me on the way home he has homework. I am mean to Kyle. I have cut myself off from him emotionally. I did it because with Todd around I could not talk to him, he was always in trouble and so many other things. I know I did this and I know I have to fix it. I just don't know how right now.

I am emotionally drained tonight. I am emotionally drained.

My heart is not in the right spot over anything right now. I have doubts about almost everything. I am really thinking that I don't even want my marriage to work. Yes you read that right.

I am not going to get into why or defend myself because there is nothing to defend. It is just how I am feeling.

Jumbled Post...

So this post probably won't make sense to many but I have had so much running through my head for the last day.

I went to see the movie "Facing the Giants" tonight. What an awesome movie! If you only get to see one movie this year - pick this one. It is a wonderful, moral, Christian movie. Truly amazing.

I feel as if I am back in the grieving process. Today has been a really rough night. Actually it all started last night. I realized how mad and angry I am. So that in turn makes me really sad.

I have decided my marriage as it was is over. There is nothing to go back to and to be honest I don't want to go back.

I am struggling to love Todd right now and someone said to me sometimes you need to let things die so they can be reborn (not exact wording).

To be honest it isn't even a struggle - I just plain don't love him right now.

That kills me. My husband; the man the Lord placed me with - I don't love.

I don't have that first love to look back upon though. We never had a courtship to look back at and remember. We moved to fast to have that. We did things the wrong way.

We talked online from the end of October until November 6th. We went on our first date November 6th. I moved into his apartment a couple days later. We did not live together as boyfriend/girlfriend the first week (sad really). Then after about two weeks we kissed and the rest is history; as they say.

I was confused and just diagnosed as being bipolar. I had a reason for my insanity but still wasn't well. I was into self injury. I was into self destruction. I zoned out and was someone else. I lied. I pushed everyone away. I was not well.

I didn't love myself so how in the heck could I love anyone else?

When I got pregnant we should have split up. We should have let it all go but instead we made each other miserable. We hated each other and we held nothing back to let the other person know that.

God has graced me with love for Todd once and I believe He can grace our marriage again. Yet it is not going to be the marriage we had before. I do not want the marriage we had before because it wasn't Godly and I do not want it.

I want to let it die. I need to let it go. If the Lord wants us to be married; we will be married. He will create us a marriage from the ground up. He will bring life to the dead and that includes dead marriages.

I have a lot of guilt right now. Guilt over leaving my husband. Guilt over weather or not I did everything possible to make it work. Guilt over being angry. Guilt over all I want.

I am grieving it all. I can't even see pregnant women right now. I break down crying. Seeing babies pulls at my heart. Why is that? I am not grieving the loss of a child - it is my marriage that died...

It has been a crazy couple of days but I know if my marriage is going to be brought back to life the Lord will do it!

Pondering...

Sitting here today I have been thinking and pondering and wondering and feeling okay.

I mean really - I have been feeling okay. I keep on waiting for the world to drop out from beneath me but so far it has not. Maybe I am expecting the worst but it hasn't happened yet.

I have been a person in the past who sees the glass as 1/2 empty. Yet in the last two years or so I have been seeing it as 1/2 full. Amazing what a change in attitude can do to the world.

Now I am not saying I have gone back to being a person who sees the glass as 1/2 full. Yet with my bipolar disorder I kind of expected it to be a lot worse for me. I expect it to rear its ugly head and so far - I am okay...

Got a call from Hillview today - about a month and I will have a place to live! I will have a 2 bedroom townhouse in about a month! How exciting for me and the boys...

I am pretty excited about it actually. We will have our own place. I can have my friends over for new years eve (I always have a new years eve get together).

God is good - all the time!

I have much more I want to say but need to get going for now. I will write more later.

Seasons

Amazing how many things go through ones head.

Everything that was needed for the apartment on my part is done. I am waiting now on the credit report and bank report. Then Sandy will pass the information onto the manager and I will either get a letter if denied or a phone call if approved. I should have gotten either one by the end of next week. Please pray...

I start my new job next week Monday. I have to be there at 8:30 and I will be working until 2:30. This is a perfect time for me the only thing is; I forgot when setting this up that - I can do these hours when we have our apartment because Adam will be riding the bus then. Well I am gonna have to ask Linds if maybe she can take Adam to school or help out some... I know they are flexible there but I just started and don't want to have to ask if I can change the schedule I just set up.

I was driving today and looking at the leaves on the trees. We are entering into a new season here. It is becoming Autumn and it is so pretty.

We have seasons here: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. No matter where you live you have the seasons. Of course they may not be as extreme in other places but you still have the seasons.

We have seasons in our life as well. How do you make it through those seasons and how long do they last? We of course don't know the but Lord knows!

The hardest season for me to get through is winter. We are coming to winter in real life right now and my life is sort of in a winter season as well. Ironic; well not really.... You want to know the wonder of winter though? When you look around during the winter; all the trees look dead. There are no flowers. You can't see the grass. Sometimes you don't see the sun for days. Yet it is all still there and it all comes back to life.

I am praying my winter brings upon the spring and the new life grows and grows!

Job!

I JUST GOT OFFERED A JOB AT A PLACE THAT IS FAMILY FRIEND AND WILLING TO WORK WITH ME AND MY DISABILITY!!!!!
GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

Internal Calm

Today I have had a strange sense of calm over me. A few things have added to this...

I started to read a book last night. When Your Marriage Dies: Answers to questions about separation and divorce by: Laura Petherbridge.

It helped me realize that I am going to go through the stages of grief. Even if my marriage isn't over; I am going through a big thing in my life and it is okay to grieve. I won't get through all the stages at once and I will go back to stages even when I thought I was done with one stage. I am okay with this. I can accept this. It helps to know I am not the only one.

Today while driving it dawned on me that I am not going to settle in my marriage. I am not going to just settle for what Todd wants marriage to be and I am not going to just settle for what I thought marriage should be. I am only going to settle for what God expects our marriage to be.

Right now I am okay and at peace with what else we are going to go through.

Therapy and More...

Well where do I even start today?!

Therapy last night.... It went okay. Todd showed up at 6:45 instead of 6:15 but he thought it started at 6:30 so he would have been late anyway. When asked what he hoped to accomplish out of this he wasn't sure. I answered reconciliation.

We are supposed to meet for a meal sometime. Something more formal. Something that does not need to cost a lot but we need to be talking face to face. We need to be practicing not being judgemental.

We need to practice when in doubt question. We need to practice something else and I really can not remember right now.

Adam is going to Todd's tonight.

Now here is the bad things - I am mad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am tired.

I went to the house today to get Kyle's hunters safety license that he found and Kyle's boots he found. What is missing from the house - the tree.

Yes the tree that was in our garden that I have asked for the past three years to have it removed but he didn't want to, didn't have the time, wasn't going to remove it without replacing it, and the list goes on. It is gone. It has been really hard for me to keep up with the garden because those roots grow out new trees daily. I spend most of my time taking care of those stupid roots and nothing else ever got done. Now that I am gone - it is gone.

What is so wrong with doing the things I ask? I have wanted to paint the bathroom, family room, kitchen and dining room... Getting rid of the mice, repairing the roof, helping me organizing the house and so on... Everything I have asked for is now being done with his parents...

A few good things - I have another interview on Monday. Lets pray I get in the door for this one. My assessment went good this morning at 4-Point Staffing. I got a letter from the apartment complex and have the interview with them on Monday.

I just can't believe how hurt I am. I am trying to just let God work and do what He needs to do. Yet the more and more I find out the more and more upset and hurt I get. I know it is okay to hurt. I know it is normal to hurt. I know it is going to happen. Yet it makes me mad at times that I feel this way.

1st Therapy Session Tonight...

I have created my list of concerns. It is not complete I know this but it was long. I am sure Todd will have one as well and then the therapist can go from there.

I have my copies of the letters I gave to Todd last year and this year. I also made copies of the letters he gave to me that I had with me here. I also made copies of the bill from he hotel for the movie he rented and what they said about the cost and packages.

He had told me that he rented the movie the night before he left (it was shown on Sunday) and then he told me after the hotel told me it was a porn movie that it was a package that he could watch any movie he wanted. I also have the fax from them stating they do not offer package deals at their hotel for movies.

I was not focused on things Todd did wrong. I focused on our relationship with the concerns. I think the first two are things I did wrong in our relationship actually. I was open and honest and did my best not to hold anything back.

I want this marriage to work and I have prayed about this list for a long time now. There are a few things that might make him feel defensive and that is okay because I am preparing my heart and mind now.

Please pray for us. The appointment is at 6:15 tonight.

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Primary concerns list:

Primary Concerns (from Amy’s Point of View; not in any particular order)

Of course all of this is from my point of view. I know this goes into much greater detail than you probably wanted to begin with but we have a very different/difficult past/present. I felt it was best to get most of the cards out on the table so we can start to deal with them as soon as possible.

1. I have bipolar disorder. Todd does not really believe in it but uses it as an excuse for his actions at times. I have been in Pine Rest twice (2001: mania & 2003: depression) but Todd says I used it as a hiatus and payback towards him. Yet this last fight over money he told me he was questioning my spending because he was afraid I went off my meds and he was afraid I was manic again. In the years we have been together he has never cared if I was on or not on my meds; he has always told me it is my issues and he doesn’t care to be involved.

2. My past actions. About six months into the relationship I slept with another man and got pregnant. When I was about two months pregnant I admitted it to Todd. Pregnancy was horrible with both sickness and the treatment from Todd towards me. I heard many times he was only sticking around until he knew whose child it was. We did stay together and did end up getting married in 2000 (Adam was born in 1999). We have never done a paternity test but we both feel as if Adam’s biological dad is the other man. After we got married I had an emotional/physical infidelity with another man in 2001; Todd is aware of this one as well.

3. We used to have sex 3 to 4 times a year. Todd always denied and rejected and pushed away. Told me over and over it was because he just wasn’t interested and it was not going to change. In November 2004 I asked him if he was using pornography and he said yes. I asked if it was before our marriage, during our marriage or both and he said both. I asked him to stop and he said he would. A few weeks later he left his computer unlocked (he always locks it even when he gets up to go to the bathroom) and I got on to check because he started again with the excuses (it has to happen naturally, you can’t plan it, etc.). I found sites he had been going to again in both the cookies and the history. I tried to address it that day and he blew up at me told me he said he would stop and he did and it wasn’t a big deal. Then he left to go and help his dad who had fallen. He came home and I tried to address it again and he yelled at me over it and how I feel he has a problem and it isn’t a problem. I asked him to put an accountability program on his computer and he refused saying he didn’t need to because it isn’t an issue. I was not allowed to talk about it, address how it made me feel or anything because he felt the issues was over. Then the following year we had more issues (he was in Baltimore for work and ordered porn movies each time; hotel confirmed it for me and he lied about it even after I had confirmation and yelled at me telling me if I trusted the hotel over him that was my issue because he knew the truth) and I gave him an ultimatum but it turned into him telling me I had to pay for ½ of the household bills and him giving me a bill if I was not going to pay for his food and prescriptions anymore. I gave him because he would not pay the bills and I dropped it.

4.When we have to be some place I do not feel as if Todd respects the time we need to be there. We arrive late to church, appointments, family get together, etc. When he is working that feels like it is the only thing that matters.

5. I feel we lack in skills to communicate. When there is something I would like to discuss I bring I up at bad times (when he is going to bed, trying to relax, etc.) most of the times. I feel as if there is never any time for us to really talk about what we need to discuss and when we do start talking about things I am told my points are invalid or we don’t need to discuss them or he won’t discuss them. Then I push and say mean things because I am angry that once again I was shut down from talking to him about things that are bothering me. So not only do I cross his boundaries when he says no, he does not allow me to voice my opinion and we never seem to get past that.

6. We have money issues. Very early in our relationship I would spend money uncontrollably. After we got married I spent our wedding money on junk. I did pay the money back to Todd though in 2003. We have a joint account that only my money goes into. Todd has a separate checking account that all of his money goes into. It is my responsibility to write out all the checks from the joint account (which I have to buy checks for), then send an email to Todd with the bills and their amounts and then collect a check from him to deposit into our joint account to pay our household bills. He pays these monthly: mortgage, gas, electric, trash, phone, water, cable, long distance, life insurance (for both), home owners insurance, and his medical bills. I am responsible for all our prescriptions, groceries, gifts/cards, my car insurance, my car repairs, my fuel, any medical bills for the boys and myself, the medical co-pays for appointments/emergencies, any miscellaneous things the boys needs (school/sports pictures, sports registration, school supplies/clothes, Christmas/birthday presents, etc.), all household items including the pool supplies in the summer months.

7. We do not make joint decisions on a regular basis; nor do we pray about what we are doing. He has said to me many times that it is his life and he is going to do what he wants to do before he dies. He has been saving $600 a month for a vacation with the boys to ski. Much more goes into this but Todd is sick and we do not know what is going on; no answers from any specialist yet and he wants to finish his to do list. I often feel as if he is a married man living a single life.

8. I have lied to Todd in the past about things I enjoy and don’t enjoy. He went on a trip to Colorado to go skiing for 10 days back in 2003 with friends. He was then offered to go on a trip to Austria to go skiing as well with part of the same set. I have never been interested in skiing but after realizing he was going on this trip with or without me; I decided to try it. I lied and told him I enjoyed it because I did not want him to go on the trip without me. It was my fault I lied to him but at that point I was desperate to be a part of his life and that meant if I had to lie to him to be able to be with him I would. I know Todd has lied to me in the past; the difference between my lies and his lies are I admit to them and he never does even if I have proof to show him he is lying to me.

9. I feel we have boundary issues. He does not respect what I say. He tells me I am not thinking, feeling, or doing things for the reasons I state – he tells me why I am thinking, feeling and doing those things. He does not hear when I correct him and let him know it is inaccurate and it always turns bad because either I stop talking to him and stuff it all (and then explode later) or I explode then trying to get him to understand.

10. I feel as if we both have an anger issue which then leads to other issues. When we try to communicate and it goes wrong; voices raise, I get upset and try to prevent him from leaving the room, he throws things at me, holds me down, yells in my face, I yell at him, we both call each other names.

11. I feel as if we have abuse issues; emotional, verbal and physical. Over the nine years we have been together Todd has put his hands around my throat (once), has thrown numerous things at me and then says he was throwing them at whatever was behind me, has held me down or up against a wall and yelled in my face. I have yelled at him and I have thrown things as well. The verbal and emotional are subtle. Makes me feel as if I don’t know what I am talking about or feeling or that I am crazy. Todd was arrested in Arizona on assault charges long ago as well. I have never been arrested on assault charges but Todd has called the police on me numerous times.

12. I feel as if he has to have control over all situations. He has to go to bed at 8 PM in order to get up in the middle of the night to work. So because he goes to bed we all have to go to bed. If I am on the phone past 8 or get a phone call past 8 he starts making comments, “Who in their right mind calls after 8? Who are you talking to? Can’t you get off the phone now?” and it goes on. If he can not reach me on my cell phone when he wants to speak to me he leaves me unkind messages like why do I even pay for you to have a phone. Yet if I can’t reach him he just says sorry you know the two-way doesn’t always work and our service isn’t that great.

13. I feel as if we have trust issues. He does not trust me because of my past behavior/lies and I do not trust him because of his past behavior/lies. We have never had a resolution to any of it. We were never allowed to talk about any of the things in our past because he said he would never be able to forgive me so he just needs to stuff the things so he can just live with me.

14. There is an issue with how the children are treated differently. Our oldest son is 13 and from a prior relationship I had. He has been in Kyle’s life since Kyle was 4.5 years old. Kyle gets attention from the negative things he does because when he does good things he does not get noticed. Adam is our 7 year old and he is praised and given a ton of attention. Adam is talking bad and thinks bad about Kyle because of what he sees and what he hears at home. Todd has been known to say do you want to be in trouble like Kyle for (fill in the blank). It is not fair to Kyle or Adam. I also find that I am yelling at the kids for things that they should not be in trouble for. I would rather have Todd yell at me for yelling at the kids than have him yelling at the kids. I am unable to carrying on a conversation with the boys when Todd is at home because he will just walk into the conversation and end it. He tells me I let the children manipulate and walk all over me when I talk to them and listen to them and their sides to the story. Also Kyle is ADHD, bipolar, anxiety, ODD and since Todd does not really believe in mental health issues he has not been willing to learn how to deal with these things.

15. The boys and I are not living at home right now. I packed them up and went to the shelter when there was an opening. Todd thinks this is a game. He thinks everything I do is because I am lonely and jealous of his work. The only way I could get him to see it was not a game was to leave and yet he still feels it is a game.

To My Anonymous Commenter...

I hope this doesn't sound mean but it probably will.

I have been willing and have been showing sacrificial love.

When I first found my most favorite site in the world (www.themarriagebed.com/boards) our marriage was a mess (pretty sad to think it is better now). We had not had sex in a 3 months when I found it and 5 months when I started posting and it went on for 255 days. During that time I asked him if he used porn and he admitted to it. During that time I caught him masturbating many times after I had tried to have sex with him.

Over a year ago I told him the porn had to stop and he needed to get help or I was going to leave. He made it impossible for me to leave. He started to charge me for 1/2 of everything in the house (I am on disability and my whole check is 1/2 of our mortgage payment) plus what I was already paying for. I dropped it and never addressed it again.

I have asked him many times to read books with me so I can learn how to be a better wife and his response is much the same each time. What I read and my reasons behind it are up to me and for me to choose.

I have read or working through:
Love & Respect
For Women Only
The Five Love Languages
The Power of a Praying Wife (and study book)
The Excellent Wife (and study book)
Sheet Music
Intimate Issues
Boundaries in Marriage
Captivating
Wild at Heart
Every Man's Battle
A Wife after God's own Heart
Marriage on the Rock
The Power of a Positive Wife
Fight Fair!

There are many other books I have read or have alone with CD's from Jimmy Evans on communication and other things... Anyway - the point is I have been trying to learn over the past two plus years.

When I found TMB I was there to change my husband because he was the refuser and I was desperate to fix my marriage. I did a lot of changing and I continue to change. Thank you very much for the advice.

Yet over the past two plus years I have not made any choices without praying and hearing from God first on the issue.

I do pray for my marriage. I carry the mini prayer book with me from The Power of a Praying Wife in my purse; it is with me each and every place I am.

It might seems like I am expecting my husband to change so I an survive but this isn't an issue of him making my life miserable with attitude. He has physically abused me for 9 years off and on. He has emotionally abused me and my children for 8.5 years. He has verbally abused me off and on for 9 years. This is not something I just woke up and decided to leave because I wasn't happy.

I asked him numerous times to go and get help with me and he has refused. The problem and issue is mine and mine alone. I have accepted that and done the changing. If it had only been me I probably would still be in the house with my husband. Yet when my oldest son was brought into it and when the Lord opened my eyes to how much I was allowing to happen and damage him I knew enough was enough.

I do pray for my husband; daily, hourly. Anytime he comes to mind; I pray. Anytime something reminds me of him; I pray.

Our marriage is a lot better than it was in 1997 thru June of 2004 (which by the way is when I picked up the book The Power of a Praying Wife; which is what truly brought me to Christ in the first place). Yet it is not healthy and I do believe the Lord can change our marriage; with a willing heart from my husband as well. It does not mean though that I need to sit back and take the abuse and let my children be abused.

Thank you for your comments and God bless.

It is Late....

I am working on my list of primary concerns. As I put them all down they seem endless. How long have we stuffed all these things. How have I allowed the stuffing to go on for so long? I have allowed our marriage to get to this state.

I have allowed him to say things are not an issues and then I throw a fit and drop it. I have allowed him to walk all over me and my feelings and tell me how I feel and what I am thinking and why I am doing thing. I have added to all these problems we have.

We have almost been together now for 9 years and I was always so afraid he would leave me. I was always so afraid someone would find out how bad it was but not believe me or blame me. I used to always live in fear.

Then something in me snapped. It truly took me snapping three or four times before I really broke though. Something in me told me non of this was okay.

The excuses, the faking, the level of commitment, the communication, the abuse, the lack of boundaries, the lack of respect, the lying, the past, the way the boys are treated and so on.

The Lord showed me I was wrong to live in fear of Todd and I knew I was in sin. I knew I had to stop it. I tried by asking for him to go get help with me. He refused and so I took the next step. I left the house with the boys.

Did I want to do that? No not really but I had no idea what else to do anymore. He threw a remote at me (the closet) and left a bruise. He pushed Kyle to the ground (he tripped over his feet). He refused to talk to me about what I felt were valid issues.

I feel as if I am asking for to much. Is it to much to want a marriage like the Lord designed it to be? I know we are all individuals. I know we are all different. I know we all have to make compromises. So am I asking or hoping for too much?I believe my marriage can make it.

I believe the Lord can raise it from where it is. I am struggling with my attitude though right now. So I am asking; if you are reading this and if you are praying - pray for me to have the ability to love my husband through all of this because right now I am struggling with all of that.

Please, Please, Please - PRAY

I think I am under attack from Satan right now.

I had to go and get Kyle from school again today. No big deal; I was furious about it BUT I had found someone who would sit with him while I was at the interview.

On the way to pick up Kyle I get a phone call from them:

"We just wanted to let you know that Tom filled the job this weekend so you won't need to come in for that interview"

Once again - cut off before even getting a chance.

Please pray. I am feeling very defeated right now.

Relationships...

I heard this on the radio today and a while ago. I remember writing it down back then as well....

"In friendship and marriage it is not about finding the right person it is about being the right person"

I don't know about you but it makes me think. I know there are so many things I could have done better in our marriage and our home and yet I still do not think it would have been enough.

If you both are not striving to be the right person. If you both don't have your goals in focus (not saying the have to be the same but your primary goal should be to put the Lord first). If you both don't want to achieve the same goals in life and within your marriage. Does one person being the right person matter then?

I know it maters in the end but does it change the person you are with?

He says he has been trying to make our marriage work for 8 years. How has he been trying? I really have been trying to "see" our relationship from his point of view. I have been trying to place myself in his shoes but I am not doing very well because I see the changes I have made whereas he does not.

I know I have made mistakes before. I know I make mistakes now. Yet there are just things I can't live with. Should I be expected to live like this forever?

I want my marriage to work but right now I am beginning to think my expectations are way to high. Do I settle for what he is willing to give me or do I only settle for what I know we should have?

So again does it matters if only one is the right person?

"In friendship and marriage it is not about finding the right person it is about being the right person"

Will it Ever Stop?

Sunday at church is when Adam was dropped back off. The day was fine but I noticed he was a bit more teary than normal. I was prepared to deal with this though since he has spent the weekend with Todd.

Last night though he just could not stop crying. So I asked him what was wrong and I got an ear full...

"Dad said he wants to spend so much more time with me but you refuse to let me be there during the week. He told me if I told you this you would be really mad at me and then he would be mad at me. Please don't tell him I told you mom." and it went on from there.

I also heard things like, "Dad and grandma Powers cleaned the house and threw yours and Kyle's things away."

There really was more but I think you get the hint of how the weekend went.

He accuses me of using Adam and then does that to him? What the heck is going on in his mind? Was he even thinking?

I didn't even both with calling him. I figure this will be brought up in therapy. I am just appalled at what was said to Adam. I am feeling so bad for him right now.

I right now am so frustrated it isn't even funny. I was going to do my best to keep Adam in the same school and discuss the option of him going with Todd every other week/weekend in therapy but right now I am not so sure I even care to do that.

Adam had promises of movies and game rentals and playing as long as he likes (he is allotted 30 minutes a day; which it has always been) and going places like mini-golf and bowling and out to dinner with his dad. Of course all these things I can't afford to give to the boys.

This weekend they went to a movie, went bowling, went to rent a game and Adam played all day long and went out to eat a few times. He got to see Grandma and Grandpa Powers because they came down to help around the house (you know how bad I want to make him sell that house right now).

I guess I just could not believe he said those things but where did they come from? I mean I never even spoke to anyone when the boys were here about what Todd wanted and what Todd was saying about Kyle and Adam. I see this turning into a very ugly mess right now. I believe the Lord can raise our marriage up from the depths but it will take three of us: God, Todd and myself.

I dealt with an ugly mess before with Keith and it still gets ugly at times. How do I find these people who think they can control the world? How do I end up with all these people in my life? I want a God driven life here.

I want God to be the center of my life and I want all things I do to be giving glory to God.

I do not feel as if my life is doing that at this moment.

I am just hurting right now. You know how many things I wanted to do to that house and he would not allow it because, "We are not going to live here this long so what is the point of wasting money on doing things to improve it."

I wanted to paint the kitchen and dinning room and family room and change the storage room around. Nothing that costs a ton of money; just time consuming. I wanted to get things to organize and I was told it was a waste.

I feel as if this is all my fault and now his parents are running to his rescue as they always do. They have so much guilt over sending him away when he was a teen.

His mom could not believe Todd would hit anyone and she was certain it was all a mistake. Lets think about this - he was arrested in Arizona on assault charges and me saying he was throwing things at me to hurt me is a mistake? You could not control him or his anger so you sent him away as a teen and the fact he threw something at me to hurt me is a mistake?

I am flabbergasted right now. My biggest fear is the fact that he is going to sit in the office and lie and I am going to look like a terrible person.

I know there are always two sides to every story but at least I am admitting to things I am not proud of saying or doing. He finds excuses for what went on, blames me and so on.

Lord help us when we are in therapy. Place the right therapist in our lives so we can break through whatever is going on.

New Day...

Well got a call today about another interview. It will be on Monday at 1:30 so please pray. It is a bookkeeping/clerical position. It is a part time position for a flower shop.

Last night I got a bit frustrated but it is okay. We will address it all in therapy. My dad called and let me know that he stopped at the house to see if he could get Kyle's hunting safety sheet. Todd informed my dad that him and his mom cleaned the house and they did not keep anything. They did not sort through anything - they just threw everything out.

I really wanted to call him up and lash out but that is not what I did. I did nothing instead. I just let it all sink in.

The more and more I hear the more and more I think he is doing the therapy just so it looks like he is trying. The more and more I think he doesn't expect us to be coming back home.

Lindsey asked me yesterday if I want my marriage to work and I do but right now I a really frustrated. I am getting phone calls from people letting me know they have seen signs for a garage sale. Now Todd tells my dad they just threw everything away.

I am guarantee you he didn't just throw his things or Adam's things away.

Adam is there this weekend. On the way when I told him he was going to spend the weekend there I listened to Adam say, "Why isn't Kyle going?" of course I tried to change the subject because how do you tell a 7 year old it is because his dad doesn't want him there. Then I hear, "I think Dad hates Kyle because Kyle never gets to do cool things with us like I do." From the mouths of babes.... Sad because if the 7 year old gets it so does the 13 year old.

Lord please help me have the right heart when we go into therapy on Thursday. Right now I do not have the feelings. I am very angry and bitter and I do not want that to be showing while we are working things out. If my heart is not in the right place - I know everyone will see it. Help me to get right with You and right inside. In Your name - Amen....

Not so Happy 6th Anniversary...

It has been a few days since I have posted. So much has gone on and I have no idea what I even wrote last to be honest.

A few days ago my car started having problems. I could not get the keyless entry to work. Ended up having to take my brothers truck to get Adam to school. Then I call Saturn to get my car in there so they can get it fixed. The guy helped me get the car open so I could come in. Then all of a sudden the keyless entry started to work but my Service Engine Soon light came on then. So I took it in anyway to have it checked out. Ended up costing me a small fortune and since I am not working it worries me a bit.

Then the following day I had an interview. Well the interview didn't happen. I think it was a God thing because Kyle started to have some issues. No one was able to get a hold of me so they called my dad and then my brother. My brother took Kyle to the ER. His arms were shaking uncontrollably. Well I was supposed to interview at 1 and it didn't happen. Was told thanks but I hired the first person I interviewed but I will keep the other two of you in mind if she doesn't work out. So I headed to the ER. By the time I got there they had found he was normal. They did some blood work and sent us home after 3.

Lisa had gone to pick up Adam for me. So we headed to her house to get him and then also allow me to teach Lisa how to make meatloaf. It turned out so good she said.

Well just after 5 he started to shake again. Called the doctor and was told to take him back to the ER. They did a CT Scan and found he had no bleeding. We left around 9:30 I believe. Was sent home with a script for him for pain and sleep.

They think it is stress manifesting itself subconsciously into physical symptoms. Talk about a thing to induce guilt for me.

So a year ago - I started to blog on finding-my-life. A year ago I was not really celebrating our 5th anniversary and today I am not celebrating our 6th anniversary. I have been trying not to focus on it but it is kind of hard not to.

Adam is going with Todd this weekend. Although you can see that from the letters posted.

I am feeling as if I might as well just give up now. It isn't right and I want to believe that the Lord is going to save our marriage. Yet Todd doesn't seem to want to. I mean he is going to therapy but it took me paying for 1/2 of it in order to get him there. He didn't bother seeing if he could find someone. He still thinks it is a game. I am frustrated because he is placing words in my mouth.

You know maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should not feel like this. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should have just stayed but the truth is with each little thing I see how right I was to leave.

Not wanting Kyle. Not willing to sign a paper. Not willing to pay for therapy. Not really offering anything.

I am really struggling today.

First Set of letters about Visitation

Todd,

I can not give you a yes or no answer. I have been saying the same thing and to you it is not an acceptable answer. I do not feel I can talk to you about anything right now because even in emails you are not hearing/reading/accepting what I am saying.

I do not want to keep Adam away from you but I do believe he needs to have consistancy during his school week. Would it be possible for you to just take him for the weekend right now and then when we start therapy we will talk about it with the therapist.

You keep on saying I am not putting Adam's well being in place here and that is what I am doing. I am afriad it would be way to confusing and overwhelming for him to be at a different home during the school week.

Please let me know what you think.
Amy
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Amy,

I appreciate your willingness to discuss this. I’m sorry if you don’t think I am listening to you. I assure you that I am. I guess I’m just confused... I don’t see how alternating locations each week would cause much confusion. As long as it is structured and doesn’t change, he will deal with it just fine.

If you are concerned about rules with schoolwork, vs. playing, vs. whatever, I don’t have any problem implementing the same rules that you are using so he does not have to remember who’s rules apply where. As for schedules, I will try to keep him on the same schedule that you do, so that is consistent as well. Bedtime will of course be correlated to whatever you are using, and meal time will be as close as we can make it.

All of his school related things that he needs to work on typically stay in his backpack, so he would have all of his stuff that he needed. As long as we both made sure that school related items stayed in his backpack, we wouldn’t run into any issues with him leaving something one place and needing it at the other.

All I am asking for is equal time with him. I thought my proposal was well thought out, fair to both of us, and made sense. One week at a time, making the switch on Friday after school, so he has the whole weekend to get adjusted (if required at all), and then to School on Monday, through Friday. I figured making the switch on Friday, would give him something to look forward to for each upcoming weekend and would help get him through the week. I made sure to suggest that he was with you during the weekends that Kyle is there so he has maximum time with his brother. All in all, I thought it was a very well thought out proposal. I understand your concerns, but I don’t think that switching places will be as big of an adjustment problem as you perceive. Doing it on Friday will make sure that any adjustment will be the furthest from the next school day. Please give this serious consideration Amy.

Thank you.

Second Set of letters about Visitation

Todd,

You can have Adam this weekend. I am going to have to ask that you sign a sheet of paper stating you will have him back on Sunday the 17th by 7 P.M.We can discuss the rest of it during our therapy.

Please let me know if you are willing to accept this...
Amy
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Amy,

I would love to have some time with him. However, I’m not going to start signing any papers or anything of the sort. If you can have him ride the bus home from school on Friday, I will make sure to be home. I will bring him to church on Sunday and you can pick him up from there.

As for the yes/no answer that I asked for, I will consider this a “no”.
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Todd,

Due to current circumstances, he is not able to ride the bus. I will drop him off at 3:45pm in front of the house. The new church season has started and he will need to be there at 9:45am and I will be waiting at the back door.
Love,
Amy
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“current circumstances”??? What the heck is that supposed to mean? You’re just making crap up now...

There is absolutely no reason why he can not ride the bus. I was only thinking of Adam and how riding the bus home would probably make him feel a little more grown up and independent. But of course you would never see things from HIS perspective.

Whatever the case, if you want to drop him off yourself, that is your choice, but don’t expect me to meet you at the curb.

Church

Had our church picnic today.

Talked to Melanie who long ago had Todd arrested for assaulting her while they lived together in Arizona. She said maybe people will believe I didn't cause it now. Well she said a lot and that wasn't the other thing but it stuck with me because for so long I have believed I caused him to do these things.

I believed I made him keep money from me. I made him think of himself and only himself. I made him yell at me. I made him throw things at me. I made him do these things because I pushed his buttons.

Yet a while ago a light went on and I realized I didn't make him do these things to me. He always wants Kyle to take responsibility for his actions when he gets angry and yet Todd always blames others.

You know I have seen more and more lately that you see and can pick out things in others you really dislike about yourself. You hate people who do the things you do that you hate about yourself.

Today is a day from God (isn't every day though)...

What a day...

I was told by a friend today that she is proud of me. She said, "Amy you have put up with this stuff for a real long time. I am sorry you are going through all of this but I am proud of you for leaving." She was in my life for a long time and was one of the few who really knew what was going on. We had some issues last year because I was honest with a man in her life. He asked me a question and I didn't lie for her with the answer. She wrote me a note and I responded but I never heard back from her. Then a few months later she sent me a card and I sent her an email. We saw each other at the races and we have kind of talk off and on since then...

It was nice to hear from someone who knows. Who has seen and heard and I did not feel as if I am making this stuff up in my head.

I feel like that a lot of the time. Like I am just imagining these things. Or that they really are not as bad as I feel they are. Is that a normal thing?

We have our first therapist session on the 21st. I am excited about it but nervous as well. We were in therapy before and our therapist dumped us (so to speak). We were getting no where other than him feeling it was all my fault. He would talk about nothing in his life or how he felt he was contributing to our issues.

I keep on praying that this time will be different. I keep on praying that we will make progress and get somewhere. I keep on praying that this therapist is good, believes in the Bible and what it says, can teach us how to set boundaries that are good and that he can teach us how to communicate effectively.

I am supposed to make a list of things I feel are issues and I keep on praying about it but so far I have zip, zero, zilch. I mean that isn't totally true. I think about things and I am like - yes that is an issue but then I talk myself out of it being an issue. I need to stop that.

I am coming to my deadline. I am actually pissed off right now. He is trying to intimidate me into make a decision and I already gave him an answer - I asked him to wait on any decisions until we are in therapy. Why isn't that an answer? Am I wrong? What is he going to do if I don't answer him? What type of options do I have? I am still praying on it and I think Adam going with Todd would be a good thing - Adam needs his dad. I am just struggling with the week part of it. Adam is really a child who needs consistency (I know most do but him a little more). It is just frustrating me. I just keep on feeling - weekends; okay - weekdays; not okay.

I am trying to sort through if it is my own emotions or if it is really what is right/wrong. Why can't he respect me enough to just honor what I am asking about the therapist? So what I really want to ask is if he will just take him for the weekend until we get to the therapist because I do not feel it is right for Adam but Todd won't hear it so we need a neutral party on this. I am not sure what his response will be but I can't imagine it would be good.

I went to legal aid today. I had set the appointment up long ago. Not looking to file a divorce but get legal counsel. They don't take cases that are just for "separate maintenance" (legal separation) but if it comes to a divorce I would have to wait for another 3 weeks to be seen. So they said come down, fill out the paper work, talk to the lawyer and get a file number. Then if he files you are set. So I did it. What they told me today was pretty much what the legal secretary on the phone told me. So I did not hear anything new from them today; other than to call if he files.

Okay so I wrote him a letter:

Todd,

I can not give you a yes or no answer. I have been saying the same thing and to you it is not an acceptable answer. I do not feel I can talk to you about anything right now because even in emails you are not hearing/reading/accepting what I am saying.

I do not want to keep Adam away from you but I do believe he needs to have consistency during his school week. Would it be possible for you to just take him for the weekend right now and then when we start therapy we will talk about it with the therapist.

You keep on saying I am not putting Adam's well being in place here and that is what I am doing. I am afraid it would be way to confusing and overwhelming for him to be at a different home during the school week.

Please let me know what you think.
Amy

Please pray for our family. I am in such a struggle right now. I truly would not be in this stop if he would have just gone to therapy. We would still be at home. We would all be there. I do not know why the Lord placed these options before me but He did and I did it. Please pray.