I've Been Gone...

I have not written much over the past week and a half because I have been thinking about the "As is...." statements that were made all last Wednesday (okay so it was two Wednesday's ago)... It really was the theme for the day...

We all come "as is". There are non of us who do not have some sort of issues to deal with. There is not a single person who is perfect. We all have some kind of baggage. We all have our mat (the man who could not walk who had to depend upon everyone else to get him where he needed to go).

The questions though were can you live with the person you are with without them changing? Can you be with them and their "as is" label today? You can not expect a person to change because you do not agree with how or who they are; even if it is not "right" in your eyes. Are you better off with them or without them how they are right now?

The other part that went along with all of it was who do you share your mat with? Who do you trust enough to share your burdens with? Who trusts you enough to lay their burdens on you? Is there a consistently or do you struggle because of their wavier?

It does not mean that they need to agree with your course of actions but you know they will support and love you no matter what you decide to do.

Who are the people in your life who share your mat? Who are the people in your life who you believe if you needed them they would be there?

Do you have anyone?

I have been struggling this week with these questions.

Could I walk back into my house and live with Todd as he is? I could not. I have not seen so clearly in the past 9 years but right now it still has a lot of fog and haze and I can see how wrong it has been. I still can't put "words" to what was wrong but I am trying.

Not everyone understands either. I still hear things like, "Well there is a lot of hurt and anger and then you left so it will take a long time." or "How do you expect him not to be angry? You have to give it time and just let it go and get to a point that isn't so bad."

Where is that point?

God does miracles - I believe this but He has given us all free will and if the other person sees nothing wrong with what they do - it isn't going to change anytime soon.

What am I getting at? I really don't know. I am still really confused but more and more I see what was wrong and I see what he isn't willing to change.

My heart has been crushed and I have no idea what is okay to do or say or feel because no one understands.

I have been trying to think of those who I share my mat with and I really don't have anyone. I have this journal that I keep and people who read it; I have no idea if they really understand or not or if they think I am right or long and that is a struggle with me.

At first I thought it was Lisa and I do but I tend to not say much because everything I say - she tells her husband and others.

Over this past weekend it became very apparent that everyone I talk to who I am sharing confidences with - tells other people. I ran into a guy I haven't seen in 3 years now and he knows someone at church and he knew my situation.

Maybe it is all me and my lack of trust for anyone.