No Laughing...

I have been trying to figure out what was wrong with my digital camera. Well today I got it working again! I am sooooo very excited.

So I am posting a picture of my belly at 32 weeks and 5 days. There is NO laughing and don't mind the water spots on the mirror...

Also I have tried to explain this picture I have on the wall to a friend of mine - so I am placing it here for him to finally see it!

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is today. Adam is excited to go out. Kyle changes his mind every other minute on if he is going out, staying in, and then what he plans on being. I give up - he is 14 and when he finally decides he will let me know...

I am going to be walking Adam this year. It isn't my favorite thing to do and since I am supposed to be on bed-rest still I am not supposed to be doing it. Yet I am.

Last night we did pumpkins. I break out in a rash from the darn pumpkin guts. Adam loves pumpkin seeds roasted (and so do I). So I spent a good couple of hours digging in the pumpkin guts and pulling out the seeds. I was hurting and exhausted by the time I was done.

Then to be honest with me being pregnant I should not have been cooking them anyway. I forgot to spray the pan - put them in the oven - stirred them a few times - each time throwing some off the pan into the oven - filling the house with smoke - but at least in the end they turned out okay.

Was not as many as we normally have but they still taste good. Adam took some in a bag to school today. He was really happy. I think that is one of his favorite things this time of year!

Well just wanted to say to those who do celebrate (even if it doesn't make you happy):

HAPPY

HALLOWEEN

FRIENDS

AND

FAMILY!

It Was The Day Before Halloween....

and one of my best friends had no Halloween costumes for her 3 (of 4) children. So I scurried around trying to find things for the little buggers...

Financially for most I know it has been rough; including myself of course. Yet I am a sucker when it comes to children.

It isn't their fault their parents are not maintaining jobs. They still have a right to the things they had in the past. The husband was cut down to part time work in September. He knew about it in the beginning of August. He still doesn't have a second job or full time job to make up for what was lost. He isn't even looking. Of course I probably should just let them deal with it on their own but being the person I am - I could not do that...

Adam was Anakin Skywalker last year. The costume was the one when he flew in that race. Of course it will be huge on Joshua but at least it is a costume for him. So I spent some time and found the mask and costume itself.

When they came out here to pick it up he seemed to be pretty happy with it. He put the mask on and just laughed about it. He is such a funny child at times. I am hoping he enjoys it...

April whom is their middle child gets a hand me down costume. Last year her sister was Snow White. So this year she gets to be Snow White. So I didn't have to try and come up with a costume for her.

Okay so I know the reality is I didn't have to come up with anything for any of them but I felt bad and wanted to help. It is just who I am.

I could have nothing for myself and be in such need on my own (like I am) and yet I will do what I have to do for others who are in need as well.

Taylor is their oldest child. She really as the rest of them had no choice in what she was going to be. I went to a service center where I get to "shop" twice a month and used one of my shops.

They had a white dress with a white knit shawl that I pieced together.

So she gets to be a bride this year. Might not be what she wanted but it was what I could find. She will just have to be happy with it.

At the same time of being there for one of my shops though I did find somethings that we can use to make some Christmas presents out of.

They had a couple of pie tins up there. Has anyone ever put an image on a pie pan and than taken a hammer and nail and pounded it out? They take a bit of time but they turn out pretty neat. So I am going to spend some time looking around online to see if we can find something cool to make for my parents or whomever the boys decide to do it for. I got two pie tins so they each get one.

Oh and my boys for Halloween are going to be a Ninja and Napoleon Dynamite.

Can you figure out who is who?

All we are doing is recycling whatever we have around... I sure do miss my things - the things I used to have at the house that could just throw things together. I could whip up a costume in no time with all of the things I had there.

I am not into possessions but some times I really miss some of those types of things. LOL

Boy there is nothing like a child being happy with what is in front of them! Makes you day you know... Just knowing you helped them out and made them smile.

Somehow no matter how horrible your day is - when the children smile and laugh - all worries seem to go away...

Parenting

This is how I feel by the end of most days. I would just like to pull my hair out.

I am not the best parent in the world. I am more than aware of this.

I say things and do things that I should not in front of my children. I open my mouth and spew things out and then go what the hell was I thinking when I did that.

I know that one of my biggest problems is that I say to much to my boys. Actually not both of them but to my oldest one.

He knows his dad is gone out of the country. He understands it is partly because his dad no longer wanted to pay child support for him. Should he know this - probably not and yet he does. He also know how stressful he makes the world for others. He understands his anger and lack of motivation frustrate the hell out of people.

Just to give you an idea as to what goes on or doesn't go on. He comes home from school today and asks me what toothbrush is his. What are you serious? I send you into the bathroom every morning and every evening and you have had the same toothbrush for about 5 months now and you have no idea which one is yours?

So I ask him if he has not been brushing his teeth and he admits he has not been. Then after I tell him what toothbrush is his - he goes and looks at it - and then goes to his room.

ALL WITHOUT BRUSHING HIS TEETH!

Then tonight I find he has sold a bike that does not belong to him. His typical response, "I am stupid" Okay well no one in this house tells him he is stupid. He has been told that choices he has made are not wise ones and sometimes stupid ones (not from me)but he has never been told he is stupid. As a matter of fact when he calls himself stupid he is corrected. Yet tonight - I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to say yes you are being stupid. Of course I did not though.

What in the heck goes on in that brain of his? I just don't get it.

Then he is yelling at me and arguing with me over what he did. So I send him to his room until he can talk to me with respect in his voice instead of the ton of disrespect he is using. Of course then it is my fault and so on.

As he is going he lets me know he has $60 to spend at Grandma's and he will just get the money from her. Ummmmm - great. So I call my mom to find out how much money he has (cause I am guessing he isn't going to be buying the bike back for what he sold it for). I find out he has $15 left out of his money. Great, probably not going to be enough money. Then she proceeds to tell me how the other parents are not good parents because how can you let a kid come home with two bikes and not explain them.

She is ALWAYS looking for ways to make the other people involved be the bad people. Not Kyle; nothing wrong with Kyle; nothing he did was wrong, etc. Of course she says well he can have the money but he has to be the one to call them and get the bike back.

Well no shit - I am not going to be the one who calls up this kid and says, "You need to sell the bike back to my son for what you bought it for." Duh!

This is my life. This is my daily life. I get frustrated so darn fast with his stupidity. I really do. I keep on wondering what line I was standing in when God handed out the patience's because I have zero when it comes to Kyle at this point. I try and try and try and yet each and every day he proves to me how many things he can do that are just lacking in the thinking department and I lose it - immediately.

God help me because at this point - his anger, destruction, lack of respect - are killing me.

Ghosts....

Okay so it isn't that I believe in ghosts per say but I do believe in my past haunting me. The ghosts from the past creep up into my current relationship. Do I enjoy it - not at all - but it does happen.

This past weekend seemed to be one of those. I tried to just block it all out. I tried to just let it go because at times it is hard for me to tell the difference between what is going on and the true past haunting me.

I find that I write letters to Jack and but never them to him. I am trying to sort things out for me. I am trying to see what is actually going on vs what is from the past creeping into my life.

Well I wrote a letter yesterday. I ended up saving it at the same time I was saving a list of baby items needed. I swapped the titled and did not realize it. I was tired and my head hurt (that is what happens when you sit and cry I guess).

I ended up sending him the letter instead of the baby list. Today I felt mortified. I felt like an ass. I was upset he read it. I cried a lot today. It wasn't that it was a horrible letter but my mouth and feelings tend to be straight forward and the choosing of my words - when writing for myself - is not really done. I mean I am writing it for myself to sort through feelings - I am not doing it for other people to read; so I am not all so careful with what I write.

He wanted to talk about it and I could not do it. I wanted to try but I just could not do it. I tried a little bit but I was not successful. He thinks I am making ant hills into mole hills. To be fair he is probably correct. I tend to worry and over-think and project.

So how do I get away from doing that? How do I get away from doing any of this?

I do not want to let the ghosts from the past run my life anymore. I do not want to give those ghosts a chance at ruining my current relationships.

I do want to find new ways to cope with things. I do want to be able to talk to people in my life without fear of what they will think or say.

I do not want to change my past but I want to be able to move beyond it. I would not be who I am today if it was not for the past things in my life; good or bad...

Love

When you think about love what do you think about?

When you think about marriage and family what do you think about?

These have been thoughts in my head over the past few days... I had a marriage and it failed for many reasons.

Every show I watch these days seem to have the same thoughts though; marriage, family, relationships.

Last night while flipping through channels I ran across an interview with Seal and his wife Heidi Klum. When asked how they keep their marriage alive the response Seal gave was, "Wife, family and then career". Those are the order of his priorities. He said he has watched to many people including his parents have the wrong relationships, putting the wrong things first and then when they get back to putting their spouse first - there is nothing there anymore. Heidi piped in with one of the favorite things Seal likes to say, "Happy wife, Happy life."

Another thing was they are always together as a family. They are a family. Their marriage/relationship comes first and then the family. Their children see that!

Is your spouse your best friend? Do you always remind yourself they are your best friend? Most people don't want to disappoint or upset their best friend. Yet most people take advantage of their spouses/family. If you always think of your spouse as your best friend you won't take advantage of them.

So how many of us put our spouses first in the relationship we have? How many of us make sure that husband or wife is first and foremost?

We are teaching our children what a marriage should be and if they see us putting them first - that is what they learn. If you are putting all of your effort into your children then how do they know what a normal healthy relationship should be like?

Of course the reality is that most couples put their children first and then the marriage suffers.

In my marriage my husband put our youngest son first. If we were having alone time and he knocked on the door - he was let in even when it wasn't an emergency. I tried to get Todd to understand we needed to come first and his priority was making sure Adam knew we were there for him; even if we suffered.

Where do you draw the boundary lines? How do you take a marriage that is on the wrong track and put it on the right track? What do you do when your ideas and your spouses ideas of how the relationship should be going isn't the same?

God - look to Him

Spouse - show them they are the first priority in their life

Family - do all you can with your children and spouse

Career - make sure this isn't what runs your life...

Talk About Feeling Low...

My youngest son is still mad at me for breaking up the family. He is angry because we left and he is angry because now Todd is getting even sicker than he was before.

Todd is angry because I won't get involved and gun ho about Adam's dirt biking. He seriously expects me to get another vehicle and to run all over the state/country because this is Adam's dream.

I would love to support Adam's dream - I really would BUT he is not my only child. He is one of two right now; soon to be three. Our weekends can not revolve around what he wants to do. I have tried to talk to Adam about it but I think I am talking to a wall. He hears what Todd says and doesn't get it.

Todd is turning him into a narcissistic person. Someone who is delusional and fully focused on himself. I hate seeing him become this person.

He isn't involved with group sports anymore. I won't sign him up for them because in his mind - dirt biking comes first. Well I won't allow him to get involved with a group sport and then let him let the team down because his individual sport comes first. Not how it should be and I won't allow him to do it while he is living with me.

Maybe I am wrong but it just irks me. Then to top it off Adam has a hard enough time making friends and Todd is getting him involved with something that he is isolating himself even more.

ARG....

Still on bed rest. Still stressed over money. It will be okay - it will be okay. I just don't know when or how...

Another Quick Update....

Blood levels are within range. Which is a good thing but I am still on bed rest. Will probably be there for a good couple of weeks or so then moved down to partial bed rest.

Getting irritated with how the house looks but have to admit Kyle since starting back on the meds have been a huge help to me. I am grateful he is at least willing to try taking them - now here is to hoping he will stay on them.

Jack has been helpful. He made dinner last night. He has come over and spent time with me so I am not going out of my mind so much. He even brought me a toothbrush since I left mine at the hospital.

Financially I am worried but I have to believe it will be okay. It frustrates me because I was doing just fine with working, paying all my bills, saving money and not getting any child support. Since being off work - I stress each and every month over how bills or anything is going to be paid. Now to top it off - I have to add what I am paying out each month because I have to be on a supplemental policy that has prescription coverage for my Medicare. I am trying to say it will all work out but I just don't know.

Oh at this point I have 2 of the 4 meds I need. Two of the most important ones right now. The one for my blood clot and the one for my gestational diabetes.

So there is the update I can give in the short time I am allotted out of bed! Still hoping to get the wireless connection up and going soon.

Way Quick Update...

Last week I ended up in the hospital with another blood clot. As some of you knew Todd changed the insurance policy and I could not afford the medication I had to be on for the blood clot. I also (since having Medicare) could not get another prescription plan through anyone because of the fact that I did/do have a private insurance.

Life has been hell.

I actually left the hospital way before they wanted me to. Biggest concern is that because of the size of the blood clot and because I am not at home and because of the money issues - I could end up with a pulmonary embolism. Could not stay though because of Kyle and the lack of care I was finding for him.

I am beyond stressed at this point in time. I have no way to continue to pay for the things needed for this pregnancy because I can not work. I am in tears daily.

I have no idea how I am going to make it much longer. Depression has been bad again. I am just trying to take it a day at a time and let God have at my life but when things like this occur I have no idea what He is trying to show me. That I am not supposed to be here anymore or what?

In a real struggle...

Hard Decisions...

Everyone in life has hard decisions to make. No one can judge how difficult something is for someone else; especially if they are not in their shoes.

I left what I considered to be an abusive relationship. Maybe others did not feel it was but I felt it was. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him.

In the time it took me to get the courage up to leave him; he became sick. His leg started to have issues and we dealt with many doctors and specialists. At the time I left I had no idea what he had. They had ruled out ALS (Lou-Gehrig's Disease) and were leaning towards MS. I though didn't really believe it; still felt it might be ALS.

I am not a doctor but in my gut - I had a feeling. Then earlier this year he was diagnosed with it. I had not even been gone a year.

It was not easy to walk out the door with feeling like something more than MS was going on with him. Yet I had to do it.

Now here I am going through a divorce and being made to feel guilty by him. He is alone and I abandoned him in his time of need.

We all have difficult decisions that have to be made. Some are more difficult than others but they are each persons difficulties.

What do you do with those guilty feelings though after all is said and done? Some days are harder than others but how do you make it through...

Trust....

How do you not allow the past to affect your future? I have huge trust issues with people; mainly men.

Now when I look back over my past I get why I have a trust issue. Yet it completely affects my future....

"Either trust me fully or do not trust me at all"

This was said to me recently. I have been thinking it over. I want to trust this person. I long to trust this person. Yet I sit and find myself waiting for the other shoe to fall!

I am getting better - I think... Yet I still have this fear that follows me over certain things... I need to figure out how to move beyond that...

Been a Few....

Have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Mainly the past. It just never seems to go away. I try to deal with it. I try to let it go and yet - I am with someone and they say something and it all comes back to me...

I have heard in the past few days things that just remind me of how needy I am. I had thought that it was just Todd who was impossible to please who wanted to be alone all the time who could not deal with me. I guess I was wrong.

I have heard things about finances that just make me wonder what I a getting myself into. Is it possible that I am dealing with someone just as selfish as before?

There really is so much more but I m trying to just block it out. It isn't easy to do and when things happen I find myself shutting down. Do I want to shut down - not really but I realize I have no clue how to communicate with anyone anymore.

After years of keeping it all in - I have no clue how to communicate effectively with anyone. Yeah I can have small conversations but when it comes to how things make me feel - I can't do it. I am to afraid of how it will make someone else feel or how they will respond or how they won't respond or what will be said. I am afraid to open my mouth for fear of confrontation.

Almost every conversation with Todd lead to confrontation. I felt as if I had to "defend" myself and I hate that feeling. I do not like to confront anyone over anything. Ever - and it does not seem to matter why or what it is about; even if it has nothing to do with another person and it is strictly about myself.

What happens when you think you know someone but find you don't know them at all?