'Nuff Said....
Friday, September 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Let Me Explain....
As you watch my blog over the next few weeks (hoping it isn't weeks) and you see "odd" posts show up that make zero sense to you. Just know it is me moving my old blog to this one...
Actually I have a couple of old blogs but I can't log into them anymore. I don't want to lose all that information so instead of just not being able to find it in cyberspace anymore I have decided to copy/paste/edit/post my old blog(s) here.
So now and again I might forget to change the date back to the date I actually wrote it on. So for those of you who read my blog when it was active before some of it might sound familiar to you - cause it is...
I am not in therapy with Todd right now. We are not trying to work our marriage out anymore. We are still in the process of the divorce.
Actually I have a couple of old blogs but I can't log into them anymore. I don't want to lose all that information so instead of just not being able to find it in cyberspace anymore I have decided to copy/paste/edit/post my old blog(s) here.
So now and again I might forget to change the date back to the date I actually wrote it on. So for those of you who read my blog when it was active before some of it might sound familiar to you - cause it is...
I am not in therapy with Todd right now. We are not trying to work our marriage out anymore. We are still in the process of the divorce.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Cleaning
I look around my living room today and think about how I really need to be cleaning it. Yet here I am on this computer - typing about how I need to clean it instead of actually cleaning it.
I get so tired of picking up after my children. I try and try to teach them to pick up after themselves.
Adam usually does pretty well. He forgets from time to time but if you ask him to stop what he is doing to take care of something - he normally does.
Kyle on the other hand could care less. He does not care if he picks up after himself because I truly think in the back of his mind he thinks that if he leaves it long enough - mom will eventually pick the stuff up. Which of course he is right about. I can only handle the mess for so long and then it is just gets to me and I have to take care of it.
It does not help anyone. It does not teach the boys to pick up after themselves. Yet I can't stand the mess.
When I lived with Todd I would let my house be trashed because it bothered him. I got sick of doing it all on my own. I got sick of him telling me I was not doing things well enough. So I would leave it. I realized no matter how hard I tried I was never going to be good enough for him so it was easier to look around - see an actually mess - and know it really was not good enough for him. I got to the point where I didn't care much about what it looked like because well - I wasn't good enough for Todd and never would be and since he was the one I was trying to make happy it didn't matter.
I don't want my boys to feel like they have to be good enough for someone but I want them to realize the importance of taking care of there things.
It is also a struggle because when Kyle gets mad - he destroys things. If he doesn't get his way - he destroys things.
Oh this is just a random; blabbering blog...
I get so tired of picking up after my children. I try and try to teach them to pick up after themselves.
Adam usually does pretty well. He forgets from time to time but if you ask him to stop what he is doing to take care of something - he normally does.
Kyle on the other hand could care less. He does not care if he picks up after himself because I truly think in the back of his mind he thinks that if he leaves it long enough - mom will eventually pick the stuff up. Which of course he is right about. I can only handle the mess for so long and then it is just gets to me and I have to take care of it.
It does not help anyone. It does not teach the boys to pick up after themselves. Yet I can't stand the mess.
When I lived with Todd I would let my house be trashed because it bothered him. I got sick of doing it all on my own. I got sick of him telling me I was not doing things well enough. So I would leave it. I realized no matter how hard I tried I was never going to be good enough for him so it was easier to look around - see an actually mess - and know it really was not good enough for him. I got to the point where I didn't care much about what it looked like because well - I wasn't good enough for Todd and never would be and since he was the one I was trying to make happy it didn't matter.
I don't want my boys to feel like they have to be good enough for someone but I want them to realize the importance of taking care of there things.
It is also a struggle because when Kyle gets mad - he destroys things. If he doesn't get his way - he destroys things.
Oh this is just a random; blabbering blog...
Week 27 Baby Update....
Okay so over the past two days I have had two doctor appointments. I do truly enjoy my OB's. She just reminds me so much of my old doctor who moved away years ago now. She was my regular MD but I do miss her.
Alright - Isabella is doing well.
I went in and my blood pressure was really high I guess. I have protein in my urine (which is not normal but not abnormal either). By the end of the appointment my blood pressure was back to normal.
My cervix is still long and not changing any so that is a good thing. No more cervical ultrasounds - THANK YOU!
They are still not sure where the bleeding/spotting is coming from but it isn't the uterus itself so that is a good thing.
She is once again head down. So all those great irritations to the rib cage I know now are her feet. It is a good thing even though I could do without her in my ribs - I welcome knowing she is okay and doing alright with the movement.
My amniotic fluid is a bit higher than normal for this stage. Other than him saying it isn't that big of a deal right now and it just might mean induction earlier. As she grows I will just get bigger than I should be I guess. So from the sounds of it - it will be okay as long as no more fluid produces. Yet it was the explanation for why I am measuring 3 weeks further than what I should be.
The insurance issue is being worked out. Sheila called and talked to my caseworker and found out they didn't input I was pregnant. So at this point in time - I am covered and have insurance! Thankful for that.
Over the past 3 days I have been beyond stressed. Crying over everything and anything. On top of the normal pregnancy hormones this stress was really getting to me.
I feel as if this huge stress has been lifted off from me. Of course it does not take care of all the issues BUT it certainly helps!
Alright - Isabella is doing well.
I went in and my blood pressure was really high I guess. I have protein in my urine (which is not normal but not abnormal either). By the end of the appointment my blood pressure was back to normal.
My cervix is still long and not changing any so that is a good thing. No more cervical ultrasounds - THANK YOU!
They are still not sure where the bleeding/spotting is coming from but it isn't the uterus itself so that is a good thing.
She is once again head down. So all those great irritations to the rib cage I know now are her feet. It is a good thing even though I could do without her in my ribs - I welcome knowing she is okay and doing alright with the movement.
My amniotic fluid is a bit higher than normal for this stage. Other than him saying it isn't that big of a deal right now and it just might mean induction earlier. As she grows I will just get bigger than I should be I guess. So from the sounds of it - it will be okay as long as no more fluid produces. Yet it was the explanation for why I am measuring 3 weeks further than what I should be.
The insurance issue is being worked out. Sheila called and talked to my caseworker and found out they didn't input I was pregnant. So at this point in time - I am covered and have insurance! Thankful for that.
Over the past 3 days I have been beyond stressed. Crying over everything and anything. On top of the normal pregnancy hormones this stress was really getting to me.
I feel as if this huge stress has been lifted off from me. Of course it does not take care of all the issues BUT it certainly helps!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Emotions at a High...
The last few days have been emotional and trying for me. I am a bundle of tears. I can't stand when all I do is cry.
I thought today was going to be better since Sunday was a bit better. Turns out I was wrong.
Went to one of my many doctor appointments for the week (I have one appointment every day this week and two on some of the days). It was my OB check with my regular doctor. I had to tell her I wasn't sure if I was going to be coming back or not due to the insurance issue.
She had me talk to the office manager. The office manager was going to try and get the medicaid for me or at least find out what can be done. She had me call her after I got home to give her the case managers name and number. Not sure she would get anywhere but it is worth a try I guess...
They are both worried about me not having my prescription and not seeing the doctor due to the current risk. I agree but not much I can do about it right now.
I also got an email from Ken today. He decided he was going to file a motion for lack of payment from child support and rent. He has been trying to reach Melanie and she is not responding. He has called and sent emails to her and has heard nothing back from her. It has been a month and two days since our mediation hearing. Todd still has not gotten back to anyone about the life insurance or the retirement fund information.
I was ready to just give up and give in on Saturday. Sunday wasn't much better. Yet here I am today - still kicking.
I just keep so much in because I have no words for what goes on and then everything bad seems to pile on at once. Then I lose it.
I try to take things a day at a time. Actually most days I try and take things a moment at a time. Yet I seem to fail at even that.
I am not feeling like a very good parent right now. I actually am feeling like a failure right now. I can not do fun things with the kids; well at least what they feel is fun. I just struggle because I have nothing but time and love to give them.
Okay so what is wrong with that you ask? Nothing is wrong with that really but on week nights I don't have much time to give them. We work on school work, I make dinner, we eat dinner, I clean up and then it is time for the kids to get ready for bed. So the question really is - do I spend quality time with them or not?
It has just been a rough few days is all....
I thought today was going to be better since Sunday was a bit better. Turns out I was wrong.
Went to one of my many doctor appointments for the week (I have one appointment every day this week and two on some of the days). It was my OB check with my regular doctor. I had to tell her I wasn't sure if I was going to be coming back or not due to the insurance issue.
She had me talk to the office manager. The office manager was going to try and get the medicaid for me or at least find out what can be done. She had me call her after I got home to give her the case managers name and number. Not sure she would get anywhere but it is worth a try I guess...
They are both worried about me not having my prescription and not seeing the doctor due to the current risk. I agree but not much I can do about it right now.
I also got an email from Ken today. He decided he was going to file a motion for lack of payment from child support and rent. He has been trying to reach Melanie and she is not responding. He has called and sent emails to her and has heard nothing back from her. It has been a month and two days since our mediation hearing. Todd still has not gotten back to anyone about the life insurance or the retirement fund information.
I was ready to just give up and give in on Saturday. Sunday wasn't much better. Yet here I am today - still kicking.
I just keep so much in because I have no words for what goes on and then everything bad seems to pile on at once. Then I lose it.
I try to take things a day at a time. Actually most days I try and take things a moment at a time. Yet I seem to fail at even that.
I am not feeling like a very good parent right now. I actually am feeling like a failure right now. I can not do fun things with the kids; well at least what they feel is fun. I just struggle because I have nothing but time and love to give them.
Okay so what is wrong with that you ask? Nothing is wrong with that really but on week nights I don't have much time to give them. We work on school work, I make dinner, we eat dinner, I clean up and then it is time for the kids to get ready for bed. So the question really is - do I spend quality time with them or not?
It has just been a rough few days is all....
Saturday, September 22, 2007
It Just Keeps on Getting Better....
This is what came in the mail today:
A letter from DHS. I had applied for Medicaid because Todd let me know he wasn't paying insurance anymore. I was approved with a $405.00 monthly spend down.
A letter from DHS. The kids are approved but it is going to cost me $15.00 a month per child.
A letter from DHS. My food stamps are gone because after reviewing my income I make to much.
A letter from DHS. They have reviewed everything on my account and due to the income I am supposed to be getting between the disability and child support I qualify for zero help.
I am getting no more than I was 7 months ago. I am 27 weeks pregnant and without insurance. I don't have $405.00 a month to spend on doctor appointments and medication. The medication I take monthly costs $4000.00 roughly for the lovenox.
Here is what I get every month:
$998.00 in disability
Here is what I am supposed to also get:
$267.00 in child support
$544.00 in child support
Here is what I pay out each month:
$640.00 for rent
$33.00 for gas
$71.00 for electric
$96.00 for car insurance
$30.05 for phone
$50.00 for cell
$37.00 for cable/internet
$80.00 for therapy for Kyle
Here is what I don't pay out each month:
All my credit card payments
I am not going to have to pay for my scripts anymore
I don't have any answers anymore. I have been trying to get a job and I can't even get a job at McDonalds because of the weight limitations.
I have not even put everything on here. Cable/Internet, phone and some of Kyle's therapy is going to have to go. Well then again - if I am paying for MiChild for the boys - hopefully they will help with the therapy some.
I won't be going to the doctors anymore after this month is over. I am a high risk pregnancy and can no longer afford care.
Yup I deserve this child...
A letter from DHS. I had applied for Medicaid because Todd let me know he wasn't paying insurance anymore. I was approved with a $405.00 monthly spend down.
A letter from DHS. The kids are approved but it is going to cost me $15.00 a month per child.
A letter from DHS. My food stamps are gone because after reviewing my income I make to much.
A letter from DHS. They have reviewed everything on my account and due to the income I am supposed to be getting between the disability and child support I qualify for zero help.
I am getting no more than I was 7 months ago. I am 27 weeks pregnant and without insurance. I don't have $405.00 a month to spend on doctor appointments and medication. The medication I take monthly costs $4000.00 roughly for the lovenox.
Here is what I get every month:
$998.00 in disability
Here is what I am supposed to also get:
$267.00 in child support
$544.00 in child support
Here is what I pay out each month:
$640.00 for rent
$33.00 for gas
$71.00 for electric
$96.00 for car insurance
$30.05 for phone
$50.00 for cell
$37.00 for cable/internet
$80.00 for therapy for Kyle
Here is what I don't pay out each month:
All my credit card payments
I am not going to have to pay for my scripts anymore
I don't have any answers anymore. I have been trying to get a job and I can't even get a job at McDonalds because of the weight limitations.
I have not even put everything on here. Cable/Internet, phone and some of Kyle's therapy is going to have to go. Well then again - if I am paying for MiChild for the boys - hopefully they will help with the therapy some.
I won't be going to the doctors anymore after this month is over. I am a high risk pregnancy and can no longer afford care.
Yup I deserve this child...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Life....
Today was Kyle's IEP meeting. For the first time in about 7 years I feel as if we got somewhere! I have been trying and trying to get him more help. It has been hard, no one really "hears" what I am suggesting for him and it has been hard on him throughout the year because of it.
This year they came to me with the change. I was MORE than happy to agree to the changes they wanted to make! They added EI to the OHI and that adds more help to him. It isn't just a "learning" disability anymore. They have to help him when he struggles; they have to be more accommodating. It does not excuse things; it does not make excuses for him but it helps the teachers understand that there are more issues than just the ADD issue.
Thank goodness for him working with the same people over the past 3 years to finally be able to bring about this change for him!
Now I am feeling a bit better tonight. I won a cabbage patch kid on Ebay for my niece! I have bought my first Christmas present! I have figured approximately how much I will have for each month for presents and if I can get everyone their stuff prior to Isabella showing up then great!
I am not going to want to haul a newborn out to go Christmas shopping in December. Then having to come home and haul everything into the house. Then having to wrap it all still. YUCK!
I am more than happy to get it all done and over with PRIOR to her getting here! I have kind of decided that what I get done by the time she gets here is what is going to be done. Unless of course one of the boy's big presents is not purchased yet - then I will have to go and get that; or beg Jack to do it for me.
I am even going to get the books bought for the boys at this point in time. They get a new book or set of books each Christmas. I am still going to have some left over and so I am going to buy them out of this book order at school. So I will actually have 3 things purchased! Since they are not getting that much this year - having 3 things purchased by the end of September makes me feel 80% better than I did a few days ago.
Of course I am still stressed out about the whole Christmas situation this year but that is nothing I am not used to. It happens each year actually so you would think by this time I would be a pro at sucking at this part of the year!
This year they came to me with the change. I was MORE than happy to agree to the changes they wanted to make! They added EI to the OHI and that adds more help to him. It isn't just a "learning" disability anymore. They have to help him when he struggles; they have to be more accommodating. It does not excuse things; it does not make excuses for him but it helps the teachers understand that there are more issues than just the ADD issue.
Thank goodness for him working with the same people over the past 3 years to finally be able to bring about this change for him!
Now I am feeling a bit better tonight. I won a cabbage patch kid on Ebay for my niece! I have bought my first Christmas present! I have figured approximately how much I will have for each month for presents and if I can get everyone their stuff prior to Isabella showing up then great!I am not going to want to haul a newborn out to go Christmas shopping in December. Then having to come home and haul everything into the house. Then having to wrap it all still. YUCK!
I am more than happy to get it all done and over with PRIOR to her getting here! I have kind of decided that what I get done by the time she gets here is what is going to be done. Unless of course one of the boy's big presents is not purchased yet - then I will have to go and get that; or beg Jack to do it for me.
I am even going to get the books bought for the boys at this point in time. They get a new book or set of books each Christmas. I am still going to have some left over and so I am going to buy them out of this book order at school. So I will actually have 3 things purchased! Since they are not getting that much this year - having 3 things purchased by the end of September makes me feel 80% better than I did a few days ago.
Of course I am still stressed out about the whole Christmas situation this year but that is nothing I am not used to. It happens each year actually so you would think by this time I would be a pro at sucking at this part of the year!
Prayers:
To All:
I write this email to you all with a bit of a heavy heart for the E* Family. Most of you have met Big Bob E*, Lindsey's Uncle but a couple of you have not. He has been the man behind the deer camps, Octoberfest,Winterfest, and Family Reunion for many years. Their family have such a great spirit about them always looking to put a smile to other's faces. I was informed this morning that Bob had finally gotten his test results back on his biopsy and they have not been very positive. They know he has cancer in his prostate, kidney, lungs and possible the brain. I writing this just to inform you that their family is in need of some extra prayer right now. I am not sure on the steps going forward but the doctors have said they will give him six months. God has worked greater miracles in his time, but if he chooses it is Bob's time to come to his Kingdom, the family with all his great grandchildren and kids will need your support and faith. I know he will be in my silent prayers from here on out so please put him in yours. Just wanted to let everyone know. Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Tony
I write this email to you all with a bit of a heavy heart for the E* Family. Most of you have met Big Bob E*, Lindsey's Uncle but a couple of you have not. He has been the man behind the deer camps, Octoberfest,Winterfest, and Family Reunion for many years. Their family have such a great spirit about them always looking to put a smile to other's faces. I was informed this morning that Bob had finally gotten his test results back on his biopsy and they have not been very positive. They know he has cancer in his prostate, kidney, lungs and possible the brain. I writing this just to inform you that their family is in need of some extra prayer right now. I am not sure on the steps going forward but the doctors have said they will give him six months. God has worked greater miracles in his time, but if he chooses it is Bob's time to come to his Kingdom, the family with all his great grandchildren and kids will need your support and faith. I know he will be in my silent prayers from here on out so please put him in yours. Just wanted to let everyone know. Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Tony
Are You Done Yet?
Last night was interesting to say the least. I have always been a very sexual person. I enjoy being with the person I am with. If they know what they are doing; it is very enjoyable. If they take the time to get to know you; it is very enjoyable. If you take the time to do the same for you are you are; how can you go wrong?!
Well last night I went wrong. You would think it is not possible but I did...
I climbed into bed after Kyle and I had words and hit my head on the headboard; hard. I was in instant tears with an instant headache. Not how I had envisioned my night going since Jack was over.
He came into the room and laid down and asked me what was wrong and what went on with Kyle. I talked to him. He just sat there and held me and we talked.
Then he was getting ready to leave and I didn't want him to go just yet so I know how to keep him here; sex... Gosh I am such a manipulating person but at least he was going to get something from staying...
We get started with lots of foreplay like we normally do. Well that is not totally true - I was feeling sick and would not let him touch me - I tried but it was not gonna happen for me.
Then he asked if we could have sex because the touching was uncomfortable and I said we could try.
We did try and at about the 3 minute mark (if we got that far) I look at him and go, "Are you done yet?" and then I burst into laughter at myself. Said I am so sorry - and started to laugh again at myself. What a mood killer and everything killer!
I just have an overwhelming nausea feeling and well I could have come about asking in a much different way but didn't.
Talk about killing a guys ego! Talk about putting the foot in the mouth!
I don't know what in the heck I was thinking! Oh wait - I wasn't...
Have got to love the combination of pregnancy, emotions, and the pregnancy brain!
Well last night I went wrong. You would think it is not possible but I did...
I climbed into bed after Kyle and I had words and hit my head on the headboard; hard. I was in instant tears with an instant headache. Not how I had envisioned my night going since Jack was over.
He came into the room and laid down and asked me what was wrong and what went on with Kyle. I talked to him. He just sat there and held me and we talked.
Then he was getting ready to leave and I didn't want him to go just yet so I know how to keep him here; sex... Gosh I am such a manipulating person but at least he was going to get something from staying...
We get started with lots of foreplay like we normally do. Well that is not totally true - I was feeling sick and would not let him touch me - I tried but it was not gonna happen for me.
Then he asked if we could have sex because the touching was uncomfortable and I said we could try.
We did try and at about the 3 minute mark (if we got that far) I look at him and go, "Are you done yet?" and then I burst into laughter at myself. Said I am so sorry - and started to laugh again at myself. What a mood killer and everything killer!
I just have an overwhelming nausea feeling and well I could have come about asking in a much different way but didn't.
Talk about killing a guys ego! Talk about putting the foot in the mouth!
I don't know what in the heck I was thinking! Oh wait - I wasn't...
Have got to love the combination of pregnancy, emotions, and the pregnancy brain!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Holidays - Already?!
It is only the middle of September and I am already getting stressed out over the holidays. Oh how I love them!
I struggle with the time from Halloween to the beginning of the New Year. I have always been a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy; which ultimately leads to me being unhappy.
I want to get my shopping done prior to Isabella showing up. I was thinking I had more time - until I looked at a calendar today! I don't have as much time as I was thinking.
I think I would like to be a bear. They are hibernating by this time of year and don't have to deal with anything. I really think I would like to be a bear!
The most stressful things for me comes to this:
1. I have to talk with my family about what they would like to do for Christmas this year because I am not going to have Adam on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year. I would like to think they will be understanding but am sure I am going to hear nothing but negative crap (as is the custom from my parents).
2. I have to talk with Todd about what/when he would like Adam other than for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am thinking though that because I won't talk to him about the house directly; he is going to put off talking to me.
3. I have to have my first Christmas ever without Adam.
4. I have to allow Isabella to go with Jack for a while. Not really that big of a deal but I am a protective mom and not knowing his family - oh this is just stress. It will be fine I am sure but - I am attempting to just not think about it now.
I can get through this year of holidays. I will once again be that people pleasing person while stressing myself out. I wish that wasn't who I am and I could change it but each time I do; it is blamed on my bipolar and well that is a totally different rant...
I struggle with the time from Halloween to the beginning of the New Year. I have always been a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy; which ultimately leads to me being unhappy.
I want to get my shopping done prior to Isabella showing up. I was thinking I had more time - until I looked at a calendar today! I don't have as much time as I was thinking.
I think I would like to be a bear. They are hibernating by this time of year and don't have to deal with anything. I really think I would like to be a bear!
The most stressful things for me comes to this:
1. I have to talk with my family about what they would like to do for Christmas this year because I am not going to have Adam on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year. I would like to think they will be understanding but am sure I am going to hear nothing but negative crap (as is the custom from my parents).
2. I have to talk with Todd about what/when he would like Adam other than for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am thinking though that because I won't talk to him about the house directly; he is going to put off talking to me.
3. I have to have my first Christmas ever without Adam.
4. I have to allow Isabella to go with Jack for a while. Not really that big of a deal but I am a protective mom and not knowing his family - oh this is just stress. It will be fine I am sure but - I am attempting to just not think about it now.
I can get through this year of holidays. I will once again be that people pleasing person while stressing myself out. I wish that wasn't who I am and I could change it but each time I do; it is blamed on my bipolar and well that is a totally different rant...
Sunday, September 16, 2007
I have...
I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.
I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.
I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.
I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...
I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...
I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?
I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*
I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.
I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.
I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...
I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...
I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?
I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*
Saturday, September 15, 2007
September 15, 2007
Does anyone know what today is?
I would have been celebrating 7 years of marriage today.
Instead I look at my bank account and wonder how am I going to provide what the boys needs.
Instead I look around my apartment and wonder how I let myself end up here.
Instead I look at myself and think about how far behind on bills I am and wonder why it has to be this way.
Instead of celebrating this day - I will spend it trying to figure out how to fix what has gone so wrong over the past year and how to prevent ever ending up in a divorce again...
I would have been celebrating 7 years of marriage today.
Instead I look at my bank account and wonder how am I going to provide what the boys needs.
Instead I look around my apartment and wonder how I let myself end up here.
Instead I look at myself and think about how far behind on bills I am and wonder why it has to be this way.
Instead of celebrating this day - I will spend it trying to figure out how to fix what has gone so wrong over the past year and how to prevent ever ending up in a divorce again...
Emotions...
Yesterday was such an up and down day.
The night before I actually slept good all night long. I got up to go the bathroom a few times but was able to fall right back to sleep. Then yesterday during the day I laid down because my head was hurting and I slept for a little bit longer. It was nice.
Of course though once I was up - everything seemed to go wrong...
Getting emails from Todd about Adam's racing revealed a new venture. Of course I figured it was in his parents name and I was correct to assume that. After some digging I saw the new web site (hosted by PowerWare; Admin is Todd) was owned by a company that is a LLC that is managed/run by Jean (Todd's mom).
I just sat and cried. I know most of you probably have no clue why I would cry over them starting a new company and if you really don't know and want to - let me know and I will explain.
Then I started to get emails from Kyle's teachers. We are on day 9 of school and we already have incomplete projects and things of that nature. All this week and last week I gave Kyle the benefit of the doubt. I believed in him. He was going to school early. Then to get those emails - just crushed me.
I knew I was going to have to give out consequences for the lies and the other things and I also knew what that meant I would be getting for a reaction and where it would lead to.
I just sat and cried some more.
We (my whole family) has been reaching out trying to get Kyle to care and be motivated and whatever else needs to happen and instead he just regresses further and further back. He just does not care, does not get it, does not think about it, it just does not matter to him...
I am watching my son go down the path I went down at his age; only worse. I could see him in prison or dead before he is 19 years old.
How sad is that to even admit to?!
The night before I actually slept good all night long. I got up to go the bathroom a few times but was able to fall right back to sleep. Then yesterday during the day I laid down because my head was hurting and I slept for a little bit longer. It was nice.
Of course though once I was up - everything seemed to go wrong...
Getting emails from Todd about Adam's racing revealed a new venture. Of course I figured it was in his parents name and I was correct to assume that. After some digging I saw the new web site (hosted by PowerWare; Admin is Todd) was owned by a company that is a LLC that is managed/run by Jean (Todd's mom).
I just sat and cried. I know most of you probably have no clue why I would cry over them starting a new company and if you really don't know and want to - let me know and I will explain.
Then I started to get emails from Kyle's teachers. We are on day 9 of school and we already have incomplete projects and things of that nature. All this week and last week I gave Kyle the benefit of the doubt. I believed in him. He was going to school early. Then to get those emails - just crushed me.
I knew I was going to have to give out consequences for the lies and the other things and I also knew what that meant I would be getting for a reaction and where it would lead to.
I just sat and cried some more.
We (my whole family) has been reaching out trying to get Kyle to care and be motivated and whatever else needs to happen and instead he just regresses further and further back. He just does not care, does not get it, does not think about it, it just does not matter to him...
I am watching my son go down the path I went down at his age; only worse. I could see him in prison or dead before he is 19 years old.
How sad is that to even admit to?!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Quick Update...
Not much going on today. Woke up and I felt the need to get clothing for Isabella. So I went to a garage sale that I knew was going on. Got a boxful of clothing for $10.00 and even though some of them have stains - I feel 100000 times better!
Adam is already struggling with his spelling. That is really one of his downfalls - as it was Kyle's as well at this age.
Kyle is already struggling with getting the homework home. That always is a downfall. I wish he would just have motivation to do this stuff. It is so frustrating.
Working on making dinner right now and wishing the night was over already. I am just exhausted right now.
Adam is already struggling with his spelling. That is really one of his downfalls - as it was Kyle's as well at this age.
Kyle is already struggling with getting the homework home. That always is a downfall. I wish he would just have motivation to do this stuff. It is so frustrating.
Working on making dinner right now and wishing the night was over already. I am just exhausted right now.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
No More Hiding...
To even be writing this is just going to kill me but we are desperate for prayers...
I am trying to be level headed and deal with issues as they come but each and every day seems to be a bigger and bigger struggle with life.
My oldest for starters hates school. Last year he went and lived with my brother and sister-in-law for the last 2.5 months of school. It was hard but I could no longer deal with him.
He hates me and I don't blame him. I was horrible to him while we lived with the soon-to-be-ex husband. I let the STBX to what he wanted; grounding and overall making his life horrible. I personally could not deal with the consequences from the STBX so I figured out how to go numb to my oldest son. Great mom I know...
Now here we are in another school year. He has been back home with me since mid-June and you know as long as I let him do what he pleases - I am the greatest mom ever but he minute I correct him or give him consequences - every thing changes. We are on day 7 and there are already battles over homework and things of this nature. I most days would rather curl up in a ball and just die than deal with him. I get so stressed that my health is horrible. There are no answers anymore. My brother and sister-in-law as a joint can't even deal with him. In 3 months he was ruining their marriage, their jobs and their sleep.
Well now here is the biggest thing. Over the past few weeks - other issues have come out. I mean let me rephrase that - everyone in my family has known - but no one felt it was important for me to know apparently.
My DS has been sexually abused; which we knew but he won't give details and nothing can be done about it because of his age unless he gives details.
Now though it is coming about that he has done some things sexually to others who are younger than him.
No one felt it was necessary to bring to up to him, to talk to him, etc. I two weeks ago sat him down and talked with him about how he needs help because of what he is and has done. He lashed out, wouldn't talk, was horrible mean, and then finally calmed down enough to listen.
We met with his therapist today and he admits he has done things but won't admit what he has done.
We have tried to get him into schools for kids who are in need of constant care and those who have income based programs won't help him and I can't afford the places that will accept him.
Without someone pressing charges he does not qualify for the programs he needs to be able to participate in.
I am right now - at a loss. I am beyond broken. It has been over a year since I left my STBX and there is not a week that has gone by that some kind of hit hasn't happened...
I am trying to be level headed and deal with issues as they come but each and every day seems to be a bigger and bigger struggle with life.
My oldest for starters hates school. Last year he went and lived with my brother and sister-in-law for the last 2.5 months of school. It was hard but I could no longer deal with him.
He hates me and I don't blame him. I was horrible to him while we lived with the soon-to-be-ex husband. I let the STBX to what he wanted; grounding and overall making his life horrible. I personally could not deal with the consequences from the STBX so I figured out how to go numb to my oldest son. Great mom I know...
Now here we are in another school year. He has been back home with me since mid-June and you know as long as I let him do what he pleases - I am the greatest mom ever but he minute I correct him or give him consequences - every thing changes. We are on day 7 and there are already battles over homework and things of this nature. I most days would rather curl up in a ball and just die than deal with him. I get so stressed that my health is horrible. There are no answers anymore. My brother and sister-in-law as a joint can't even deal with him. In 3 months he was ruining their marriage, their jobs and their sleep.
Well now here is the biggest thing. Over the past few weeks - other issues have come out. I mean let me rephrase that - everyone in my family has known - but no one felt it was important for me to know apparently.
My DS has been sexually abused; which we knew but he won't give details and nothing can be done about it because of his age unless he gives details.
Now though it is coming about that he has done some things sexually to others who are younger than him.
No one felt it was necessary to bring to up to him, to talk to him, etc. I two weeks ago sat him down and talked with him about how he needs help because of what he is and has done. He lashed out, wouldn't talk, was horrible mean, and then finally calmed down enough to listen.
We met with his therapist today and he admits he has done things but won't admit what he has done.
We have tried to get him into schools for kids who are in need of constant care and those who have income based programs won't help him and I can't afford the places that will accept him.
Without someone pressing charges he does not qualify for the programs he needs to be able to participate in.
I am right now - at a loss. I am beyond broken. It has been over a year since I left my STBX and there is not a week that has gone by that some kind of hit hasn't happened...
Control Sucks....
Why do I let things bug me? I am sick to my stomach again.
I was starving this morning and now I am sick because I ate and have been dealing with emails from Todd again about the sale of the house.
I just want to cry again. I just want to curl up again.
I do not know how to deal with any of this anymore. I just don't. I repeat myself over and over and over.
What does he do - comes back with if you are not willing to work with me then we are not moving forward so stop being difficult.
Why is it that "I" am being difficult. I told him Judy (the realtor) has all the information from me.
Before anyone tells me to just give him the information the problem is the minute I respond to his email it is going to be an indication that I have agreed to pay his parents back and I have not and am not going to agree to that.
So at this point - I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer on what to do from here because I am in tears about it again....
I was starving this morning and now I am sick because I ate and have been dealing with emails from Todd again about the sale of the house.
I just want to cry again. I just want to curl up again.
I do not know how to deal with any of this anymore. I just don't. I repeat myself over and over and over.
What does he do - comes back with if you are not willing to work with me then we are not moving forward so stop being difficult.
Why is it that "I" am being difficult. I told him Judy (the realtor) has all the information from me.
Before anyone tells me to just give him the information the problem is the minute I respond to his email it is going to be an indication that I have agreed to pay his parents back and I have not and am not going to agree to that.
So at this point - I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer on what to do from here because I am in tears about it again....
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
September 11, 2007
Six years ago my life was much different. Six years ago many people's lives were different. Six years ago though - for the first time I can remember we came together as a nation while we were under attack.
Please take time today to say a prayer for those who lost their lives that day. Please take time today to say a prayer for those who have lost their lives since. Please take time today to say a prayer for the families who lost loved ones that day and since that time.
Please take time today to say a prayer for those who lost their lives that day. Please take time today to say a prayer for those who have lost their lives since. Please take time today to say a prayer for the families who lost loved ones that day and since that time.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Patience at Low...
My oldest has a huge attitude problem with anyone who tries to show authority towards him. He blames me for his attitude when he is around me and then whomever he is with - it is their fault.
At 14 you would think he would have some concept of taking responsibility for how you react towards people but he does not.
I know he has emotional issues but I am beyond tired of dealing with it. It is no longer a daily battle - except during the school year.
There are also some issues - like he is being charged with some things from last year during the school year. They have finally gotten around to that. Do not know what it will mean for him but considering it is not the first offense - I am going to guess it will be a bit more server than even he thinks it will be.
Then there is the now current issue. He is going to have to speak to his therapist on Wednesday about it and I am calling the school to discuss two other people who I am aware of that something probably happened.
Oh and these two other children think I am the meanest mom in the world. Of course that is what the 3 of the talk about during school. How mean I was when living with Todd and Kyle's anger just increases ten fold. I can tell when he has time with these two people because of his attitude when he comes in the door after school. To be honest - I would rather have Kyle in a different school just so he isn't around these two boys!
I have said sorry to Kyle many times about how he was treated while we lived with Todd and yet he always brings it up. I wish I could take that time back but I can't. All I can do is be a different mom now and a different person. It is all I have. I am doing my best but you know there are days where I just can't deal with his attitude.
I wish it was just against me but it isn't. It is against any authority figure...
At 14 you would think he would have some concept of taking responsibility for how you react towards people but he does not.
I know he has emotional issues but I am beyond tired of dealing with it. It is no longer a daily battle - except during the school year.
There are also some issues - like he is being charged with some things from last year during the school year. They have finally gotten around to that. Do not know what it will mean for him but considering it is not the first offense - I am going to guess it will be a bit more server than even he thinks it will be.
Then there is the now current issue. He is going to have to speak to his therapist on Wednesday about it and I am calling the school to discuss two other people who I am aware of that something probably happened.
Oh and these two other children think I am the meanest mom in the world. Of course that is what the 3 of the talk about during school. How mean I was when living with Todd and Kyle's anger just increases ten fold. I can tell when he has time with these two people because of his attitude when he comes in the door after school. To be honest - I would rather have Kyle in a different school just so he isn't around these two boys!
I have said sorry to Kyle many times about how he was treated while we lived with Todd and yet he always brings it up. I wish I could take that time back but I can't. All I can do is be a different mom now and a different person. It is all I have. I am doing my best but you know there are days where I just can't deal with his attitude.
I wish it was just against me but it isn't. It is against any authority figure...
Feeling Somewhat Caught Up.....
So this month because I don't have the insurance payment to make - I am going to be able to get my bills caught up.
Of course this does not include my credit card bills or my lawyer but my normal every day bills will be caught up.
I can not wait until the divorce is final and I am able to remove Todd from my car insurance bill. Because he is won't remove himself and because I can't remove himself I pay about $25 more a month due to his unpaid medical bills.
That $25 could really be put to use for other things! Like this year when rent goes up by $20.
Oh well - just a day at a time... Most of the time these days it is a moment at a time!
Of course this does not include my credit card bills or my lawyer but my normal every day bills will be caught up.
I can not wait until the divorce is final and I am able to remove Todd from my car insurance bill. Because he is won't remove himself and because I can't remove himself I pay about $25 more a month due to his unpaid medical bills.
That $25 could really be put to use for other things! Like this year when rent goes up by $20.
Oh well - just a day at a time... Most of the time these days it is a moment at a time!
Sunday, September 9, 2007
New Day - New Dawning
Last night something dawned on me. I live in fear of men and confrontation.
The thought of having to confront Todd over anything (maybe confront isn't a good word to use) gives me panic attacks and other physical issues.
The thing is - right now - what can he do to me? Withhold child support; oh he is already doing that. Not pay the rent is he supposed to be paying; oh wait being done. Make this divorce drag out until he gets what he feels he is entitled to; going through that. Not give me my things from the house; says he will but never does so that is being done as well.
What else can he do to me?
Yet those feelings and those physical issues still come about when I have to deal with him.
I also find I am not totally honest with Jack. I am not lying to him but I don't come out and say what I am feeling 100% or what thoughts I am thinking because of the fear of his reaction or what he can do to me.
Mind you Jack has never done anything to make me feel those things but it is the fear that has been there. It isn't as bad but it really hit me last night that those feelings are there when I deal with anyone.
Someone gets upset with me and I start to have a panic attack. Someone wants to talk to me and I don't know about what and I get a panic attack.
Funny thing is - Todd isn't the first person this started with - it was my parents and it seems I find all these people who know how to react just the right way to keep this fear going inside of me.
How do I break this fear - this pattern? It isn't healthy and it does not but hinder relationships in my life that it should not...
So what do I do?
The thought of having to confront Todd over anything (maybe confront isn't a good word to use) gives me panic attacks and other physical issues.
The thing is - right now - what can he do to me? Withhold child support; oh he is already doing that. Not pay the rent is he supposed to be paying; oh wait being done. Make this divorce drag out until he gets what he feels he is entitled to; going through that. Not give me my things from the house; says he will but never does so that is being done as well.
What else can he do to me?
Yet those feelings and those physical issues still come about when I have to deal with him.
I also find I am not totally honest with Jack. I am not lying to him but I don't come out and say what I am feeling 100% or what thoughts I am thinking because of the fear of his reaction or what he can do to me.
Mind you Jack has never done anything to make me feel those things but it is the fear that has been there. It isn't as bad but it really hit me last night that those feelings are there when I deal with anyone.
Someone gets upset with me and I start to have a panic attack. Someone wants to talk to me and I don't know about what and I get a panic attack.
Funny thing is - Todd isn't the first person this started with - it was my parents and it seems I find all these people who know how to react just the right way to keep this fear going inside of me.
How do I break this fear - this pattern? It isn't healthy and it does not but hinder relationships in my life that it should not...
So what do I do?
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Whose Right Is It?
A friend of mine whose husband was similar to mine in many ways posted something the other day that got me thinking...
Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy some ice cream - any flavor - any brand - and not be in trouble when you get home? Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy any brand of anything - and not be in trouble when you get home?
When living with Todd there were certain brands of things I had to buy. Mind you I was responsible for praying for the groceries. Of course off brands were not allowed; actually for the most part it was always the most expensive brand I had to buy.
How is it possible that I was the one who was spending my money on groceries and he was the one telling me what I could or could not spend it on? Yet it continued through our whole relationship.
That is how all the money issues were. Anything I was responsible for - he made sure I paid for but it had to be what he wanted.
It is nice not to feel as if I am under that thumb anymore.
Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy some ice cream - any flavor - any brand - and not be in trouble when you get home? Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy any brand of anything - and not be in trouble when you get home?
When living with Todd there were certain brands of things I had to buy. Mind you I was responsible for praying for the groceries. Of course off brands were not allowed; actually for the most part it was always the most expensive brand I had to buy.
How is it possible that I was the one who was spending my money on groceries and he was the one telling me what I could or could not spend it on? Yet it continued through our whole relationship.
That is how all the money issues were. Anything I was responsible for - he made sure I paid for but it had to be what he wanted.
It is nice not to feel as if I am under that thumb anymore.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Clarity...
So some things have become clear.
1. Not everyone sees the problem with what Todd is asking. Don't get me wrong - it would be great to have some extra income each month BUT what he is asking is unrealistic. $1700 a month is insane. There are 6 bedroom homes on a lake in our town that are only asking for $1250 a month! There is a home on the same street this house is on that is asking $1100 a month and that includes snow removal and lawn maintenance in the summer time. The home on that road also has 1 more bedroom and is brand new on the inside and outside over the past 2 years.
2. He deals with me in a very passive aggressive manor and he does not get to control my life anymore. I do not have to answer to him. I have told him flat out whom I was dealing with and whom he needed to give his figures to. He is not going to be the one to say what we do anymore - the home needs to be sold and it needs to be on both of our terms - not his and his parents terms.
1. Not everyone sees the problem with what Todd is asking. Don't get me wrong - it would be great to have some extra income each month BUT what he is asking is unrealistic. $1700 a month is insane. There are 6 bedroom homes on a lake in our town that are only asking for $1250 a month! There is a home on the same street this house is on that is asking $1100 a month and that includes snow removal and lawn maintenance in the summer time. The home on that road also has 1 more bedroom and is brand new on the inside and outside over the past 2 years.
2. He deals with me in a very passive aggressive manor and he does not get to control my life anymore. I do not have to answer to him. I have told him flat out whom I was dealing with and whom he needed to give his figures to. He is not going to be the one to say what we do anymore - the home needs to be sold and it needs to be on both of our terms - not his and his parents terms.
3. I shared this with a bunch of women on another website. They helped me to see how insane all of this is. He is very controlling. He isn't in this reality. He is kind of delusional about a lot of things and that is okay - it is his life and his mental state - not mine.
4. I am actually happy. Okay so depression sucks and I have been very depressed. Yet in the long run - I am not having to answer to Todd. I don't have to tell him where my money goes. I don't have to tell him where I am going. I don't have to talk to him about anything other than Adam. I don't have to tell him whom I am hanging out with. I don't need his permission to stay up. I don't need his permission before buying certain foods. I don't need his permission for ANYTHING! That makes me much happier even with this looming depression than I have been in 10 years!
5. I might be bipolar but I am normal! I have my ups and downs but I am normal. I am a normal bipolar person...
There is so much more I could write but for now - this is it...
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Just a vent...
I am tired of this divorce and the control he holds over what goes on. I am really tired of it... He has said he would not discuss anything until the visitation was settled and so we go to mediation and I thought it was settled but he still wasn't satisfied. Now he is holding over my head all this crap with the house. I am just tired of it... Below are the emails and insanity that has been going on. Maybe if I put it out there for me to read - it will make more sense...
Email 1 from Todd the day after he put my bank account negative and blamed me for having my credit card attached to MY BlockBuster account:
Email 2 is my reply:
Email 3 is his reply to me:
Email 4 is Todd sending an email to the realtor we are working with and he attached all of those emails that are listed above:
Email 5 is Judy's reply to both of us:
Email 6 is an email I sent to Judy and Ken:
Email 7 is the response from Judy to me:
Email 8 is a reply from me to Judy and Ken:
Email 9 is an email from Todd to Judy and myself regarding her email to both of us:
Email 10 is from me to Todd, Judy and Ken:
Email 11 is from Todd to me:
Email 12 is from me to Todd, Judy and Ken:
Email 1 from Todd the day after he put my bank account negative and blamed me for having my credit card attached to MY BlockBuster account:
Amy,
Since we are communicating rather effectively right now,
perhaps I should take the opportunity to talk about the house. After
talking with the real estate agent, it appears that this is a really bad time to
sell. If you are open to the idea, I would like to talk about the
possibility of renting the place out and using it to generate some additional
income instead of potentially taking a loss on the sale at this point in
time.
I figure the additional income could help you out, and help
me to cover more of the child support, thus helping you out as
well.
$1109/mo currently pays for the mortgage payment and all
taxes. I figure if we could rent it out for $1700/mo, that would leave us
with $591/mo. in income from the house. If we’re going to rent it out, we
should plan to put about $5-8k away for potential repairs, fixing the place up
between renters, and covering the mortgage between
renters.
Assuming that we got renters in on a one-month lease with
first month + last month + security deposit, we could slowly put away 5k over a
12mo period and that would still leave us with $174.33 per month in
income. Once we have 5-8k put away, we could start taking the full $591/mo
in income and only cut that back when we have expenses that dip into the
savings.
Additionally, the mortgage would be getting paid and we
would continue to build equity in the house until the housing market improves
and it becomes a good time to sell. Right now, the mortgage is as good as
it is ever going to get (5%-15yr fixed) and if the rates ever drop below 5%, we
could always refinance.
Additionally, if it turns out that the
renting thing works well, we can choose to put some of that extra income into
the house payment to get the equity paid off earlier. For
example...
$100 extra per month = 9.2 yrs. (Adam will be out
of school)
$200 extra per month = 8.1 yrs.
$300 extra per month = 7.2
yrs.
$400 extra per month = 6.5 yrs.
$500 extra per month = 5.9 yrs.
(Kyle will be out of school)
Once the mortgage is paid off, that
will leave approximately $15k/yr. in income after taxes, providing that we never
raised the rent. That would sure go a long way towards helping the kids
out with college (if they decide they want to go), or if the housing market
improves, we can simply sell it off.
Anyway... That’s looking
a long way ahead. I just wanted to get you thinking about the long term
more than the short term. I know that you just want to get everything done
and over with, but I don’t think that right now is the right time to sell the
house. Perhaps it is in both of our best interest to hold on to the house
for a while, rent it out, and see if the housing market
improves.
If it turns out that we aren’t able to rent it out for
enough money to break even, then we can choose to sell it anyway. I just
wanted to present this idea in case you would be willing to do something like
this.
We can always split the assets up at this time by forming a
rental company, putting the house in the name of the company, and giving each of
us their appropriate percentage ownership in the company. That would
finalize things, leave us in a position were we wouldn’t be taking a loss.
Hopefully we would be able to work that out in such a way that we could keep the
current mortgage and wouldn’t be required to refinance at a higher
rate.
What do you think about these
ideas?
-Todd
Email 2 is my reply:
Todd,
Thank you for taking the time to compose this message but I
am not interested in the house being a rental property for a number of
reasons.
If you are not interested in selling at this time you can
buy me out of my 1/2 of whatever the lowest amount you were willing to accept
for a sale price and then you can move forward with it being a rental property
for yourself.
If you are not interested in buying me out of my 1/2
then the only other option is to sell it.
Thank you,
Amy
Email 3 is his reply to me:
Amy,
That’s fine. I just wanted to present that as an
option. I figured it would be better to be making money off the house in
the long run instead of selling it cheap today. Selling it today, you and
I will take somewhere near 17k out of the deal after everything has been split
up. If we waited and paid the entire house off and rented it out, we could
be making 15k PER YEAR instead of a 17k one time profit. It just seemed
like a smarter choice to hold on to it
However, I will be glad to
get everything off my plate and behind me sooner than later, so if you want to
simply sell the house, that is fine with me.
I have no interest in
“buying you out”, so we’ll put the house on the market and get it sold.
After talking with the real estate agent, I doubt that we will be able to get
much more than $140k out of the house (if that). In that case, here is how
things would all work out:
140,000.00 (Sale
Price)
-84,196.39 (Loan amount at time divorce was
filed)
==============
55,803.61 (Remaining
Equity)
-21,700.00 (Repay my
parents)
==============
34,103.61
/2 (Split between you and I)
==============
17,051.81 (Your/My Individual Equity)
Obviously the amount that you
and I would get back from the deal would vary depending on what the actual sale
price of the house ends up as. Below is a list of the various selling
prices and what our individual equity would be at that
price:
180,000
33,951.81
175,000
31,839.31
170,000
29,726.81
165,000
27,614.31
160,000
25,501.81
155,000
23,389.31
150,000
21,276.81
145,000
19,164.31
140,000
17,051.81
135,000
14,939.31
130,000
12,826.81
125,000
10,401.81
120,000 7,901.81
You’ll need
to decide what the minimum amount you are willing to be left with and figure out
what the corresponding minimum sale price is that you will
accept.
These amounts DO NOT take into account any of the fees
involved with selling the house. Obviously we can take those costs out of
the equity in the house, but I would expect those costs to come out of the
equity prior to us splitting what was left, so we both take on the burden of any
of those costs.
Anyway... Let me know what the minimum sale
price you will accept is.
Tanks.
Email 4 is Todd sending an email to the realtor we are working with and he attached all of those emails that are listed above:
Judy,
Here was my discussion with Amy. As you can see, the
ball is in her court. She needs to determine what the minimum she can live
with is. I’ll let you know as soon as I get a response from her.
Email 5 is Judy's reply to both of us:
Hi Amy and Todd,
Well...I have to say that the 180,000 does look
better! It would look even better if we could sell it for 200,000.
That is not reality. What we have to work with here are the facts of what the
"market" dictates, not either of you or me...but the market. If it was up
to us...well...I know the price would be higher. Just keep that in
mind. Let me know if there are any questions you need
answered.
Judy
Email 6 is an email I sent to Judy and Ken:
Judy,
I am not CCing Todd in this email.
When we
talked I told you flat out whatever you felt the highest we could go - was what
I was willing to list it as. I will just take what advice you have to give
and go from there.
He is not taking into account - realtor fees,
fix up cost and closing costs. So since he seems to think I am responsible
for paying back his parents (which was a gift/loan prior to marriage) my guess
is we are going to get zero in the end from the sale of this home.
I am letting you know that whatever you feel the highest we could
sell it for without making repairs vs. making repairs. If you could please
make that recommendation to both of us - I will then go from there with "making
my decision" since the "ball is in my court".
Sincerely,
Amy L.
Powers
Email 7 is the response from Judy to me:
Good Morning Amy,
I am so sorry that this can be so frustrating. I
standby by $149,000 with some cosmetic fixes. What I will do when I get to the
office this morning is shoot to you a sellers net sheet so that you can see the
costs involved with selling. I hope this will help you. Please take care
of yourself and the little one you carry. Big deep breathe...
Email 8 is a reply from me to Judy and Ken:
Sounds good Judy...
There is no decision to be made. We
need to sell the house and not have it listed for years because of an price that
was dictated by greed.
I am standing by what I said - your suggests
are what I will go with. So $149k it is.
I would still love
to see a list of what the costs would be though when you get around to
it.
Thanks!
Amy
Email 9 is an email from Todd to Judy and myself regarding her email to both of us:
Hi Judy,
Thank you for your feedback.
Obviously our
intention is to price the house at the best level possible to get the best price
and still sell it. I am not interested in selling it cheap just to get it
off the market quickly. Conversely, I don’t want to price it at a level
that is going to keep the house on the market for a year either.
I
also understand that Rockford, MI is one of the few places in the state that is
actually still expanding. So, while the market might not be that great
everywhere else, I still think that we could certainly get a fair price and
shouldn’t have to “settle”.
At this time, I am still waiting on a
reply from Amy as to what the minimum price is that she will accept. As
soon as she makes that decision, we can move forward.
I’ll let you
know as soon as I hear anything.
Thanks.
Email 10 is from me to Todd, Judy and Ken:
Todd,
I have been conversing with Judy on what to list it
at. I will be working with her. We obviously need to agree but at
this point in time I would rather that we both just let her know what we are
willing to list the house at and we can go from there.
The market
is what it is and there is no way to get more out of people for a house that has
not been maintained. The economics of Michigan are not the best and we are
going to be luck if we get what we paid for the house without it sitting on the
market for a long period of time.
The ball is not only in my court
so please realize this. Let Judy know what you are willing to sell it for
and we will go from there.
Sincerely,
Amy L. Powers
Email 11 is from Todd to me:
Amy,
I’m waiting on a reply from you. As soon as you give me
an answer, I will continue.
Thank you.
Email 12 is from me to Todd, Judy and Ken:
Todd,
As I stated in the earlier email - Judy already has the
information from me - she is awaiting on the information from
you.
That is how we will move forward.
Amy
Life and Death...
Last week my girlfriend lost her mom. She was a very young woman. She was beautiful. She was my friends best friend.
I do not have that relationship with my mom. A lot of girls/women have a great relationship with their mom. Share the ups and downs of life. Shop together or ask each others opinions. I never had that with my mom.
I am pregnant right now with a little girl. I think about the relationships I know when it comes to mother/daughter and I want mine to be one like I didn't have.
I know I did add to what was not but the funny thing is my sister doesn't have it with my mom either. So was it all my sister and me who caused the lack of relationship or did it have to do with my mom as well?
I am going to strive to have a good relationship with my daughter. I know I can be a good mom.
I do not have that relationship with my mom. A lot of girls/women have a great relationship with their mom. Share the ups and downs of life. Shop together or ask each others opinions. I never had that with my mom.
I am pregnant right now with a little girl. I think about the relationships I know when it comes to mother/daughter and I want mine to be one like I didn't have.
I know I did add to what was not but the funny thing is my sister doesn't have it with my mom either. So was it all my sister and me who caused the lack of relationship or did it have to do with my mom as well?
I am going to strive to have a good relationship with my daughter. I know I can be a good mom.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I Swear He Thinks I am Dumb
Every email lately from Todd - he attempts to treat me like a 2 year old or tries to make me feel dumb or as if I am ignorant and can't figure things out on my own.
I am none of the above.
There are days when I really feel like those things because of all I hear in my head BUT I know I am not any one of those things.
I am working on feeling intelligent. I am working on realizing I am a beautiful person. I am working on having self-confidence. I am working on being the person He made me to be.
I am not perfect - I am not close.
I have been very depressed lately. I am still down. It does not feel as heavy today as it has in the past bit of time but it is still there looming. I did call my PDoc yesterday and they called in an antidepressant for me. I have not started it yet but will here this week.
I am not at the lowest I have ever been in my life but I am pretty low. The biggest difference at this point in my life is I do have someone who loves me and cares and wants me well. I am not with someone who just tells me to deal with it or to snap out of it. The person I am with actually cares about me.
The feeling that depression leaves on the soul is so hard to explain. Everyone has different lows when it comes to their breaking point. I have pushed the feeling aside and just kept on telling myself I would snap out of it. I would push through. I would be okay.
I guess I took the first step yesterday by saying - I need help...
I am none of the above.
There are days when I really feel like those things because of all I hear in my head BUT I know I am not any one of those things.
I am working on feeling intelligent. I am working on realizing I am a beautiful person. I am working on having self-confidence. I am working on being the person He made me to be.
I am not perfect - I am not close.
I have been very depressed lately. I am still down. It does not feel as heavy today as it has in the past bit of time but it is still there looming. I did call my PDoc yesterday and they called in an antidepressant for me. I have not started it yet but will here this week.
I am not at the lowest I have ever been in my life but I am pretty low. The biggest difference at this point in my life is I do have someone who loves me and cares and wants me well. I am not with someone who just tells me to deal with it or to snap out of it. The person I am with actually cares about me.
The feeling that depression leaves on the soul is so hard to explain. Everyone has different lows when it comes to their breaking point. I have pushed the feeling aside and just kept on telling myself I would snap out of it. I would push through. I would be okay.
I guess I took the first step yesterday by saying - I need help...
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Just Thoughts...
I guess I need to learn how to blow stuff off but some of the things people say really gets to me.
Like Todd making the statement, "When I get paid you get paid." - in regards to child support.
Adam is not a job in that aspect. His needs are there and if I was in the house - he would have to help pay. Well to be honest that isn't true - he never helped with the kids things. It was all me. So in a way I guess that does not surprise me so much but yet it still does. How does he think I am paying for the things for his son?
A friend (bless her) gave me money to help buy school supplies and I went out and sold my last piece of jewelery to get the rest of them.
He went out and was late returning some movies and my bank account went negative and he blames me for it.
I guess I am just stumped lately for what I need to be doing... I have given in on all he wants for visitation plus some. He is still fighting over everything else and yet I am still getting zero financial help from him for Adam.
What else can I do? Just give up and say oh well - he pays me when he gets paid...
Like Todd making the statement, "When I get paid you get paid." - in regards to child support.
Adam is not a job in that aspect. His needs are there and if I was in the house - he would have to help pay. Well to be honest that isn't true - he never helped with the kids things. It was all me. So in a way I guess that does not surprise me so much but yet it still does. How does he think I am paying for the things for his son?
A friend (bless her) gave me money to help buy school supplies and I went out and sold my last piece of jewelery to get the rest of them.
He went out and was late returning some movies and my bank account went negative and he blames me for it.
I guess I am just stumped lately for what I need to be doing... I have given in on all he wants for visitation plus some. He is still fighting over everything else and yet I am still getting zero financial help from him for Adam.
What else can I do? Just give up and say oh well - he pays me when he gets paid...
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Depression
How do you explain depression to someone who doesn't deal with it?
I have it but I have gotten good at wearing masks to hide it. Lately - like for the last 7 months or so it has been bad for me.
Of course I have my days where no one knows and then I have my bad days where it just isn't hideable. Those are the days I dislike the most because it is hard for me to explain - it is always there - I just hide it well.
I really wish I had some mania in me right now but I just don't. Life is draining the life out of me. I do nothing but think and sink.
So how do you explain depression?
When others are around - I can laugh, I can smile, I can talk, I can function.
When others are not around - I don't have to laugh, I don't have to smile, I don't have to talk, I don't have to function.
Todd didn't like my depression and he made that very clear. I needed to snap out of it. I needed to just move on. I needed to function. Well who doesn't need those things? So I learned how to get out of bed to do the clothes and to clean the kitchen and to make meals and to take care of the boys. Yet when no one else is around - I can just be - I can be that person who thinks and sinks.
Before leaving Todd there was a three month period he knew nothing was wrong. When I finally could not keep it all in anymore all I got was, "I thought we were doing just fine". As if my meltdown and crying and emotions was a reflection upon "us" instead of what my life was daily. He had no comprehension and maybe that was my fault. I felt worse when he knew what was really going on with me - so I learned to hide it. Yet he didn't want to know.
Right now I get out of bed every day to start my day. Yet for the most part - I end up right back in bed. I do two or three small things and I have no energy for anything else. Not a day goes by where I don't cry. Not a day goes by where I don't stress over what is going on in my life.
For the longest time I just kept on telling myself it was environmental - circumstances and now I know it has to be a part of the bipolar.
I know I really should be on a med for it but financially it comes down to - I have money right now for one med and that med had to be for my blood clot. So I just try and live with it.
I have it but I have gotten good at wearing masks to hide it. Lately - like for the last 7 months or so it has been bad for me.
Of course I have my days where no one knows and then I have my bad days where it just isn't hideable. Those are the days I dislike the most because it is hard for me to explain - it is always there - I just hide it well.
I really wish I had some mania in me right now but I just don't. Life is draining the life out of me. I do nothing but think and sink.
So how do you explain depression?
When others are around - I can laugh, I can smile, I can talk, I can function.
When others are not around - I don't have to laugh, I don't have to smile, I don't have to talk, I don't have to function.
Todd didn't like my depression and he made that very clear. I needed to snap out of it. I needed to just move on. I needed to function. Well who doesn't need those things? So I learned how to get out of bed to do the clothes and to clean the kitchen and to make meals and to take care of the boys. Yet when no one else is around - I can just be - I can be that person who thinks and sinks.
Before leaving Todd there was a three month period he knew nothing was wrong. When I finally could not keep it all in anymore all I got was, "I thought we were doing just fine". As if my meltdown and crying and emotions was a reflection upon "us" instead of what my life was daily. He had no comprehension and maybe that was my fault. I felt worse when he knew what was really going on with me - so I learned to hide it. Yet he didn't want to know.
Right now I get out of bed every day to start my day. Yet for the most part - I end up right back in bed. I do two or three small things and I have no energy for anything else. Not a day goes by where I don't cry. Not a day goes by where I don't stress over what is going on in my life.
For the longest time I just kept on telling myself it was environmental - circumstances and now I know it has to be a part of the bipolar.
I know I really should be on a med for it but financially it comes down to - I have money right now for one med and that med had to be for my blood clot. So I just try and live with it.
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