Unfold the Rose...

A young, new preacher was walking with an older, more seasoned preacher in the garden one day. Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older preacher for some advice. The older preacher walked up to a rose bush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing any of the petals. The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry. But, because of his great respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try and unfold the rosebud while keeping every petal intact . It wasn't long before he realized how impossible this was to do. Noticing the young preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older preacher began to recite the following poem:

It is only a tiny rosebud A flower of God's design;

But I cannot unfold the petals

With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers

Is not known to such as I.

GOD opens this flower so sweetly,

Then, in my hands, they die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,

The flower of God's design,

Then how can I have the wisdom

To unfold this life of mine?

So, I'll trust in Him for leading

Each moment of my day.

I will look to Him for His guidance

Each step of the Pilgrim's way

The pathway that lies before me

Only my Heavenly Father knows.

I'll trust him to unfold the moments,

Just as He unfolds the rose.

Verses that Spoke to Me...

This Sunday at church a few verses were used. They meant a lot to me. Amazing what a Sunday can do for you (or any day for that matter at church).

This was one of them:

Isaiah 38:15-17
15 But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.16 Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.

Another one was:

Isaiah 54:10
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

The last one was:

Romans 8:38
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

So I Have Been Gone...

So I haven't been writing much.

I don't even know what to write. Well that isn't true but I am afraid to write it for some reason.

I haven't been doing that great. Last Wednesday I got some bad news. I guess in some ways it is good news but it is really sad for me. Something I have wanted for so long is now lost. I have told a few people and actually told them but for the most part - no one knows. I think 3 people in real life know. The more I think of it - the more real it is. The more I talk about it - the more real it is. Right now - I don't want it to be real.

I went to the bar last Wednesday night to watch the game and it was rained out. Instead I listened to Karaoke. I sang along but I could not get myself up to sing and I love to sing. Went again on Friday night and did the same thing. Went again on Saturday night and did the same thing. At the end of Saturday night though I gave a slip to Caroline and told her that if she keeps it and if I come back and if she remembers me - I would sing it. I kinda hope she forgets.

I have been doing some stupid things and not really caring about it. Not even going to get into those things right now.

I have been looking at houses and getting discouraged. I have had some sunlight shine down on me though about some of it. I stopped at a house on Sunday that was having an open house. I knew it was either not big enough with rooms or out of my price range because I didn't have the sheet. Yet I stopped anyway - the lady doing the open house was wonderful. She told me about a rural development thing that is offered in our area. Just have to be north of 6 mile. It is almost like Section 8 housing help but for people who can get a home instead! She said she would look into it for me and have someone get back with me. She actually called me today and handed the phone over to a guy who could help me. I was blown away that she got back to me so quickly. We talked for about 45 minutes yesterday and she didn't care that my mortgage had to be so small - she was willing to work with me even if I don't qualify for the rural development loan. It was nice to hear because most people haven't even bothered to call me back after I give them the details.

I am not feeling like I belong at my brothers house. They have done nothing to make me feel unwelcome and the boys are fine here - I just don't feel at "home". I want to feel at home someplace. I want to have my own place.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew it would take some time. I knew all of this but it has been two months and I still don't have a place and I would like a place to call home.

I am feeling drained and tired and worn out and misunderstood and and and...I am not only now standing my ground with Keith but I have to do it with Todd. Long ago I should have stood my ground with my mom but I never did and now I need to learn how to create boundaries with her as well.

My parents never taught me how to create them and I never have created them with anyone! There is a whole lot of growing going on and it is very draining

Saturday Night...

While at Cheers I went to the bathroom and my old neighbor was there. She feels so bad and the whole neighborhood is talking and knows I left.

Yet the best news of all was this, "Your MIL went to all the neighbors to talk to them and let them know what you did but she never gave the same story."

Are you crazy?! Are you serious?!

I was furious and I still am!

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

World Series?

Well I know ONE of my friend is from Missouri and I know I am from Michigan (imagine that) so - we are kind playing each other right now.

I have been kind been really happy with the fact that I can watch these games. I am not asked to turn the TV off or to change the channel. I can watch the games and enjoy them!

Of course I huff and puff over the mistakes made BUT I would do MUCH worse if I was out there playing myself!

I am just really happy that the Tigers made it to the world series again!Games on and Cards have the bases loaded with ZERO outs! ARG.....

Gonna go watch it now...

What is Waiting for Me?

Today has been a day of disappointments. It seems like it is one thing after another. I do not even know where to start really. It has just been insane really.

Being Christ-like with a son who does nothing but yell at you is hard. I so often just want to smack him but I don't. I know the thoughts are just as bad but I am just going nuts.

My brother said something to him tonight. I spent 45 minutes or longer trying to help him with ONE math problem and all he did was argue with everything I said. I then started to help him with his science and he would not do it - yelled and yelled and started to argue; so I finally walked away.

Now here I am really to pass out and my brother and sister in law are helping him with his homework. No yelling, no arguing, no problems - it is me. I am the problem. I am the one who has created the problem. I have no idea how to fix it either because when we move they will not be there to help him and we are going to be stuck again with him not doing his school work and him failing because it is me the person he hates.

I am feeling pretty ugly about right now as well. I'm taking on the attitude of what I have been hearing for nine years. I mean it has always been there but today more than normal. I mean I look at myself and I think who is ever going to want this person (even if it is my current husband)? I see the ugliness. I see how fat I am. I see how selfish I am. I see how I don't have options to ever been with a Godly man. I see all negative things.

Are there really guys out there who don't use porn or oogle at women? Are there really men out there who are involved with church and ministry? Are there really guys out there who love and honor their wives like God intended? Are there really men out there who enjoy their wives and talk to them and spend time with them? Are there really guys out there who just want to see their wife and no one else? Do those men really exist?

Christ-like...

When others look at you - do the see Christ? Do your words show Christs love? Do your actions show His love? Does your forgiveness show His love? Do you witness well for the Lord?

I don't all the time. I do not know what others see when they see me but I know I am not always the person I should be.

I have room to improve in many areas. I find myself swearing every once in a while but nothing like I used to. I find myself talking about others at times and I should not but again nothing like I used to. I find myself being harsh towards my boys when I have no reason to but again nothing like I used to. I find myself being impatient with other drivers but nothing like I used to (but this truly is one I need lots of growth on).

So I don't know what people see when they "see" me but I know they don't see who I was over two years ago. I feel as if I am in-between being Christ-like and being who I was.

I've Been Gone...

I have not written much over the past week and a half because I have been thinking about the "As is...." statements that were made all last Wednesday (okay so it was two Wednesday's ago)... It really was the theme for the day...

We all come "as is". There are non of us who do not have some sort of issues to deal with. There is not a single person who is perfect. We all have some kind of baggage. We all have our mat (the man who could not walk who had to depend upon everyone else to get him where he needed to go).

The questions though were can you live with the person you are with without them changing? Can you be with them and their "as is" label today? You can not expect a person to change because you do not agree with how or who they are; even if it is not "right" in your eyes. Are you better off with them or without them how they are right now?

The other part that went along with all of it was who do you share your mat with? Who do you trust enough to share your burdens with? Who trusts you enough to lay their burdens on you? Is there a consistently or do you struggle because of their wavier?

It does not mean that they need to agree with your course of actions but you know they will support and love you no matter what you decide to do.

Who are the people in your life who share your mat? Who are the people in your life who you believe if you needed them they would be there?

Do you have anyone?

I have been struggling this week with these questions.

Could I walk back into my house and live with Todd as he is? I could not. I have not seen so clearly in the past 9 years but right now it still has a lot of fog and haze and I can see how wrong it has been. I still can't put "words" to what was wrong but I am trying.

Not everyone understands either. I still hear things like, "Well there is a lot of hurt and anger and then you left so it will take a long time." or "How do you expect him not to be angry? You have to give it time and just let it go and get to a point that isn't so bad."

Where is that point?

God does miracles - I believe this but He has given us all free will and if the other person sees nothing wrong with what they do - it isn't going to change anytime soon.

What am I getting at? I really don't know. I am still really confused but more and more I see what was wrong and I see what he isn't willing to change.

My heart has been crushed and I have no idea what is okay to do or say or feel because no one understands.

I have been trying to think of those who I share my mat with and I really don't have anyone. I have this journal that I keep and people who read it; I have no idea if they really understand or not or if they think I am right or long and that is a struggle with me.

At first I thought it was Lisa and I do but I tend to not say much because everything I say - she tells her husband and others.

Over this past weekend it became very apparent that everyone I talk to who I am sharing confidences with - tells other people. I ran into a guy I haven't seen in 3 years now and he knows someone at church and he knew my situation.

Maybe it is all me and my lack of trust for anyone.

Struggling...

Last night was our last therapy session for a while. Yes they have only just started I know...

My oldest is very depressed and I am afraid it will turn suicidal. This has been an issues in the past. I right now feel that the need for him to be in therapy is greater than the need for the marriage therapy.

Now that isn't completely true. It isn't that the need is greater but it is that I have to pick what I can afford to pay for and he comes first right now.

I addressed it last night in therapy letting DH know that if he wanted to continue it and pay for it fully he could (the only way I could get him there was to agree to pay 1/2). He said he would not have this put on him and if I was not willing to pay for 1/2 because that is what I agreed to then it would be my fault we were not there because he would not be blamed and he didn't feel we need it anyway. He was only there because I said we needed it.

He was very angry when we left and I was in tears. Lots of things were said in those 55 minutes and not much of it good.

I am reading a book right now. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Very eye opening book. Most of it so far is my life. It makes me feel good that I am seeing what goes on but it makes me sad that so many people do this stuff that there are books about it.

I am in a struggle though because of the usual things... Of course now I am seeing the usual things are not real but a perception I have developed over the years... Actually that isn't true - I have always known that it wasn't real but when you hear and live with things 24/7 for 3285 days - you believe those things that are not real....

Please pray for me. Please pray for him.

As Is..

That seemed to be the theme yesterday...

Sorrow

I know Kyle and my relationship did not become this way overnight and I know it won't get better overnight either. Yet each day he pushes more and more and I break. I end up yelling at him.

He is rude, he is disrespectful, he refuses to do anything that is asked of him and getting him to do his consequence is next to impossible.

I am in tears every day for many reasons. Partly because I know I brought this on myself. I treated him so badly. He and I are very much alike and in turn we butt heads... I am pulling my hair out and I do not know how long I can take this.

To be honest this is just one of many things that are bringing me to this point.

The insurance issue, the dealing with my husband who believes and twists reality, the car breaking down left and right, the lack of apartment, the many other broken relationships in my life and so many other things. It is just one thing after another.

I have a friend who is dealing with a lot of stuff and I am struggling with just listening. I don't want to give her advice because my advice is very tainted right now. I am very upset with her husband though and his double standard. They have both been friends of mine for a long time now but the whole thing is - looking in; I am really sad by watching it. I hate seeing the possibility of them going through the same thing I am going through right now and I can see it happening. Not tomorrow but - give it some time. I would venture a guess though that if things do not change; within about 6 years she would find a way to make it on her own. It makes me really, really sad...

I have to get going. If you read this please pray - I go see my PDoc tonight.

Beaten Down...

How in the heck will we get anywhere?

He can't even remember the conversation we had two days prior with the therapist! How the heck are we going to accomplish anything?

The breakfast on Friday is now something I screwed up because he remembers trying to set up a time and place with me and I refused so he told me to call him and let him know.

How do you deal with someone who isn't in the same reality you are?

I am tired. I am really tired. I can't keep fighting his truth when it is not real to anyone but him.

I do not even want to go to our breakfast meeting on Friday because everything that is said will be twisted and turned and I can't keep on doing this...

I don't even want to try right now. I know it is wrong but that is how I am feeling right this second.

He always puts words in my mouth, he is always twisting what was said or not said and I am tired from fighting over it all.

I am ready to lay down and not get back up..

Peace...

So it is Sunday. I have been speaking with my Pastors on a regular basis. Either in email, on the phone or in person. They have been aware of my steps, my struggles and my ups and downs.

I am sitting here today with the TV on in front of me. I am watching NASCAR. This is the weekend they are in Alabama at Talledaga. Back in 2004 Todd and I were in a real struggle. We had not been intimate in 255 days total (in a row). He hated me because I caught him doing things and he was mean about it. I was praying a lot for strength and the wisdom to do what was right.

He called on a Friday at about 4:30 and asked what we were doing for the weekend. I said church and Kyles football game. He asked if we would like to go to Alabama for the race. One of the guys he worked with was making a last minute trip down there with his family and they asked if we wanted to join them.

So we did. We got everything ready and then after Kyles game headed down to Alabama for the race on Sunday. It was a wonderful time. We got along. We didn't fight even though we spent 28 hours in the car together. We stopped at different spots on the way home to explore and look around. We had a wonderful weekend.

Now here I am this weekend - watching the race on TV and my husband is no where to be seen. I can't go into the next room to say hey. I can't lay down in bed and have him cuddle with me. I can't go give him a hug. I can't reach out to him.

My heart is breaking today. I talked with Pastor Mark today. I prayed with Pastor Mark today. I know it is okay. I know I will be okay. I know the Lord loves me. I know He is with both of us during this time.

Please pray for peace with all who are involved right now. We have some very rough times ahead of us and we all need to know that the Lord is with us and we will be okay.

Another Day Down...

So I called the legal aid office today.

He was supposed to call today for a breakfast meeting and I was supposed to pick the place we were to go. He never called until he called about Adam and I asked him if he forgot about our breakfast date he said no.

He changed our prescription coverage to 50% and never said word one to me and he has had plenty of time to do it. It isn't just that - he changed our whole health plan and never said a thing.

Kyles scripts are gonna cost me around $200+ a month. My one script alone is 200. Plus I have all my other stuff.

He knows money is an issue and yet this. He refuses to pay for 100% of therapy and I can't afford it now. Every cent I am earning with my job will have to go for all of our prescriptions each month and there is no way around it.

I am at a loss. I am tired of being the only one who is trying. I am tired of the lies. Please pray for me this weekend because right now I am beyond broken.

I try to see it through his eyes. I try to understand where he is coming from.

I don't see anything now. I just see how upset I am. How hurt I am.

Have no idea where this phone call with go. Probably no where. I am just working on my options right now.

Please pray.

It just keeps on getting harder and harder.

I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Someone said they thought maybe (with the phone calls) he just didn't want me to miss the calls. I tried to see that he was only concerned. Nope - his next email said something about how he doesn't have time to deal with my phone calls during the day and so on.

There are days I have so much hope and then something else goes wrong and I lose all hope again.

How long do I need to try and try to be stomped on again and again....

Here's the Deal...

We have started therapy and things are going.

I have realized what the deal is.

Our issues are deep but anyone who knows about us knows that.

I am a mean mom to my oldest son. I truly am. I am cold to him. I am mean to him. I am rude to him. I don't show him respect. I long ago cut myself off from him emotionally. I know why; something came to me and it is so hard for me to even admit.

It isn't that I hate my son but I turned off my emotions for him long ago because in order to make it in the house we were living in - I had to. I could not stand watching him be treated the way he was but I had no voice and I didn't know how to stop it. I was living in fear of my DH leaving me and thus leaving all of us stranded.

I have let this go on for years and years and year. It is no wonder he is like the way he is - who would not be; being grounded all the time, not feeling loved every, not being allowed to talk or voice your opinion and the list goes on.

I really need prayers right now... A few things I know right now...

1. I do not know if I can lay my heart and soul out there right now. Each and every time I do it gets smashed and crushed and hurt and I am not ready to go through that again.

2. I have been told I need to know when enough is enough or where my limit is. I do know some of it but not all of it. One thing is for sure - I will not move my children back into that home with things remaining the way they are; yes our marriage is broken but our children need to be treated different as well.

3. I am dealing with a lot of angry towards my DH and towards myself. I am not harboring anger; I am dealing with it as it comes and I am truly working through it all (I see a therapist on my own) but each time I get through one bit of it another one shows up. It is getting very tiring.

4. I do not love my DH right now. Please no lectures on this. For a while I was struggling with this but right now I believe it is okay and the reason is because we never had a courtship or anything. We never developed a love for each other. I got pregnant and he stayed. I didn't love myself how could I love anyone else. I have nothing to look back on and truly we had some good times but the bad times are what I see right now. I have no love for DH now. Now the reason I am okay with it right now is because I do not want to go back to the way things were so I don't want that old love to be there. I want new and better and Godly. If we go back to what we had; we will be right where we were before.

5. I really need to have inner peace. Actually I do and God is showing me that it is okay and He is with me. I am just struggling with the negative things people are saying to me. I have a few people in my life who never see the things that go on as God opening doors for me; they just see all the negative that goes with it. I need to have the peace when those around me try to invite the enemy in.

Emotionally Drained

What a day...

Took my car back into Saturn. Another thing wrong with it. No joke. How in the heck can anything else go wrong on my car? 4 weeks in a row now. FOUR! Before leaving I stopped in and asked if there is literally anything else that could go wrong - of course there are other things that could go wrong on it; how silly to think everything could be fixed.

Then lets look at the fact I had marriage therapy today. Yup that went - it went. We are going to have breakfast on Friday. He is going to call me and I need to think about where to go. I am thinking either Burger King or McDonalds. It is all I can afford. It is supposed to be a weekly update meeting. Nothing in depth. Just to talk about what goes on during the week, my new job, the kids, and stuff like that.

Then tonight Tony and I had a talk about Kyle. I knew it was coming though. I knew it was coming because I made Kyle go to bed when we got home from church. Of course that came up because Kyle told me on the way home he has homework. I am mean to Kyle. I have cut myself off from him emotionally. I did it because with Todd around I could not talk to him, he was always in trouble and so many other things. I know I did this and I know I have to fix it. I just don't know how right now.

I am emotionally drained tonight. I am emotionally drained.

My heart is not in the right spot over anything right now. I have doubts about almost everything. I am really thinking that I don't even want my marriage to work. Yes you read that right.

I am not going to get into why or defend myself because there is nothing to defend. It is just how I am feeling.