Here's the Deal...

We have started therapy and things are going.

I have realized what the deal is.

Our issues are deep but anyone who knows about us knows that.

I am a mean mom to my oldest son. I truly am. I am cold to him. I am mean to him. I am rude to him. I don't show him respect. I long ago cut myself off from him emotionally. I know why; something came to me and it is so hard for me to even admit.

It isn't that I hate my son but I turned off my emotions for him long ago because in order to make it in the house we were living in - I had to. I could not stand watching him be treated the way he was but I had no voice and I didn't know how to stop it. I was living in fear of my DH leaving me and thus leaving all of us stranded.

I have let this go on for years and years and year. It is no wonder he is like the way he is - who would not be; being grounded all the time, not feeling loved every, not being allowed to talk or voice your opinion and the list goes on.

I really need prayers right now... A few things I know right now...

1. I do not know if I can lay my heart and soul out there right now. Each and every time I do it gets smashed and crushed and hurt and I am not ready to go through that again.

2. I have been told I need to know when enough is enough or where my limit is. I do know some of it but not all of it. One thing is for sure - I will not move my children back into that home with things remaining the way they are; yes our marriage is broken but our children need to be treated different as well.

3. I am dealing with a lot of angry towards my DH and towards myself. I am not harboring anger; I am dealing with it as it comes and I am truly working through it all (I see a therapist on my own) but each time I get through one bit of it another one shows up. It is getting very tiring.

4. I do not love my DH right now. Please no lectures on this. For a while I was struggling with this but right now I believe it is okay and the reason is because we never had a courtship or anything. We never developed a love for each other. I got pregnant and he stayed. I didn't love myself how could I love anyone else. I have nothing to look back on and truly we had some good times but the bad times are what I see right now. I have no love for DH now. Now the reason I am okay with it right now is because I do not want to go back to the way things were so I don't want that old love to be there. I want new and better and Godly. If we go back to what we had; we will be right where we were before.

5. I really need to have inner peace. Actually I do and God is showing me that it is okay and He is with me. I am just struggling with the negative things people are saying to me. I have a few people in my life who never see the things that go on as God opening doors for me; they just see all the negative that goes with it. I need to have the peace when those around me try to invite the enemy in.