Letter to Lawyer...

This is the letter I sent to my lawyer yesterday... The whole conversation between Todd and I is not in this letter but it gives an idea to what I am dealing with...

Ken,

Not sure if this is something that
will be resolved or not but Todd continued to use my blockbuster card. Attached to the card is my debit card so that I could rent video games for the boys. Todd did not return a couple of movies and they charged my card and
that incurred an overdraft fee ($32.00) as well as the $15.98 charge as well.

I called to ask him if he was still using the card and he
said yes he was and he was sorry - he would make sure they put the charge back on my card and he would pay in cash to get it taken care of. I asked about the overdraft fee and his response was (not verbatim) it isn't my fault you put your debit card on that account and I am not paying the $32.00. You are responsible for whatever fees are incurred on your card - not me. Tack it on the the bill I owe you. You should not let your account run that low anyway - it isn't my problem. Maybe you can take care of it the next time I pay child support.

My bank account is negative. He is not planning on paying anything Ken. I have gotten 3 child support checks. I have gotten zero in rent payments. I doubt I will see anything from the house because of the money he plans on paying his parents for the loan (which they will give back to him).

Just wanted to make you aware of where things stand.
Amy

One of my favorite things that I didn't put in the letter was, "You'll get paid when I get paid and since I am not getting paid neither are you." What in the heck - I mean Adam isn't a job - he is a child and he needs things! Asshole...

Just Life...

Well it is official for the next year I am going to be staying here. It really does make me sad. I don't want to be doing this alone. I know he keeps on saying I won't be doing this alone but I will be or at least feel like I am right now.


Between the lack of sleep with Kyle and his homework and then Adam's school work and then adding Isabella to that. Wow - I get tired even thinking about it.


Why do I have such a hard time crying in front of others? I wanted to cry so badly last night and I did when I sat in the bathroom - alone - but I could not cry while laying there with Jack. I had tears that came and went but I could not cry. Actually I have a pretty good idea why I can't cry or don't allow myself to cry. Maybe someday I will work through this but until I feel completely safe and trust anyone I can't.


When I used to cry 9 out of 10 times Todd would tell me to knock it off or to leave the room for whatever reason. So I have gotten good at not crying when I feel like it. I can cry with someone on the phone no problem - because they are not right there. Maybe I have trained myself to only cry in the bathroom since that is where I went most of the time to cry - lol.


Yesterday was a bittersweet day. I sold my last piece of jewelery so I can get the kids some of the things they need for school. Knowing for the last year I have done it on my own; even if it has been with selling things - is kind of nice. Yet yesterday I sold my last piece of jewelery and child support is just not forthcoming.


I have been looking for a part time job I can do while the boys are in school. Of course school hasn't started yet but I haven't been offered a job yet either. Then though I have to worry about daycare for Isabella after she is born, the phone calls from the school for Kyle, having to be at school for Kyle, giving up helping at Adam's school and the list goes on.


In the end though it comes down to the fact that I need the extra $860 a month. I was making it just fine until I was not working at my job and it has been 6 months now. I just need to get a job and then pray everything else works out - because it has to work out.


The summer is coming to an end and I have done nothing special with the boys. We have done the park - many times but all the things they ask about doing - we just have not done. I guess it is better that they know they are not doing these things though. Todd was famous for promising things and then taking it away the day of us going or forgetting he said we would go and then making other plans with friends or something like that.


We have been gone a little over a year now and here we are stuck. Still in an apartment. The kids without a pet (it just bothers me). Me without a job. I am pregnant. Still have no clue how to deal with Kyle and the information just keeps on piling on. Financial worries up the wazoo and they are going to get worse once the divorce is final.


I am grateful I got the courage to leave - it was 3 years coming before I actually walked out the door but I did leave. The best thing for me is I never went looking for someone to rescue me. Not that any man has ever rescued me but they have all promised to take care of me and I have let them and then the price is so steep.


So for me knowing that right now even with life not being the best it makes me feel somewhat better. I actually love someone and it is a healthy feeling; just wish he could be here more...


Such is life...

Just Wanted To Share....

My girlfriend was pregnant with #4 and wasn't due until September 15th. She started having contractions though a few weeks ago. Of course her doctor said she had to get to week 36 before she would let her go and not stop it.

Yesterday while driving home from her mom's house - she was rear ended and went to the ER for her oldest because her head was hurting and her neck had snapped (the seat belt didn't lock).

Of course while there she started contracting even more and her back really started to bug her. So as they sent her up to L&D - I gathered up my youngest and headed to the hospital to pick up her 3 children.

Rebecca Grace was born at 6:30 this morning! 7 pounds 6 ounces - Mom and baby are doing well!

Going to take her children up after lunch to meet their new sister! I am excited as well...

368 Days

I have been away from Todd and that life for 368 days. So why is it that it seems like things only keep on getting worse?

Still - he has only made 3 child support payments. Kyle's dad is not consistent with that either (and now he is moving out of the country). Todd didn't even have to start paying child support until February so he got away with paying nothing from August to February and he still isn't paying.

I have lost a few jobs since leaving him due to issues with Kyle because it is just me. It is only me getting the phone calls and having to deal with what he is doing or not doing and me having to go up to the school and me taking him to his appointments and it is only me.

If I could get and keep a job - we would be fine - but I seem to be failing at that skill right now.

I have $1.83 in my bank account right now. I have to get the kids their school supplies. I have to put gas in my car (on empty righ now). I have to get food for the house. I have to finish paying the bills for this month. All on a dollar.

These are the days where I want to just give up, give in, and call it quits.

Kyle needs to start therapy again due to current issues - even if the therapist feels he is getting nothing from it. I now have to figure out where I am going to come up with another $80 to $100 a month for it. Plus on top of that - once the divorce is final - I have to come up with money to pay for MiChild for Kyle and a supplemental insurance for myself - so that is going to run me about another $100 a month.

I am overwhelmed...

How Many Prayers Can One Ask For?!

The hits just keep on coming. I can't really get into a ton of details right now. I just need to ask for prayers for me and my oldest son (mainly).

Please pray that what is needed for help to be received comes easily.
Please pray that I am able to get a job while dealing with current issues (which is a full plus time job).
Please pray that my family has finally been forth coming with everything and there are no more surprises waiting for me behind another curtain.
Please pray that my family starts to see me as his mom and not someone who does not care or doesn't need to know.
Please pray that my heart and soul and mind can take whatever else is to come.
Please pray that the other family involved sees the severity of the issue and decides something needs to be done.

I am feeling broken more and more every day. Every time I turn around something else is happening and I just wonder how I am going to make it through another issue.

I question everything about myself right now. I wonder if it is my fault because in my gut this has been a worry for about 6 years now. I have no idea how I am going to keep going at this rate. It has been 366 days of one thing after another and I need a break and I need money and I need a way to get help.

Thank you in advance for your prayers...

Testing....

For some reasons my new posts are not showing up. Not sure what is up so I am testing it...

Can't Give Details...

Yet please pray for my son Kyle.

Pray that what needs to happen - happens.

Something has to happen and soon.

Mediation Update...

I posted this yesterday but it didn't show up for some reason... So trying again!

Okay - so things went okay and not so okay yesterday...I gave and gave and gave. Todd not so much.


Every time I would give more time and then ask for something in return - he would be like when is that time being made up and so on. Anytime I would ask for something - he would be stubborn and I did at one point break down in tears...

He was very contradicting with things he was saying. In the end the only thing that was truly decided upon was visitation. He ended up with 150 overnights and so I have lost child support because those are just the "regular" days he will have him and with the holidays and special days through the year - he has him more than 50% of the time.

Sigh...

We didn't really decide upon the house other than it needs to be sold. Everything else - pretty much still up in the air. So my guess is we will have to go through another one. I wonder why I always seem to give in and get nothing in return. I at times feel like this doormat...

Please keep praying that he opens his mind to the things that are left to discuss and go through. He wasn't open with anything when it came to visitation to be honest. I felt like I was just giving in to get it over with...

Mediation is Today...

Well today is the day. It is the day of our first mediation. We have to be there from 9 to 12.

Please pray.

I have no idea what is going to happen but I am pretty sure it is just going to come down to the fact that Todd won't discuss or give in on anything unless he gets what he wants for visitation.

I have not slept well in who knows how long. My IBS is killing me. I am sick to my stomach. It is gloomy and raining; which doesn't help the depression. I hear nothing in my head but all the things Todd has said to me over the years at this point in time.

My friend Lisa is picking me up and taking me down there since I have no money for gas or parking. Then she is going to pick me up at 12 and we are going to go and get her bathroom counter top.

All I can say is the Lord placed her in my life long ago and I am grateful for it. Especially at moments like this.

Again please pray...

Please pray for my emotions to be in check because they haven't been due to the depression.

Please pray for there to be some sort of reasonable voice inside of Todd's head - I have offered way more than my lawyer says is good because of child support and yet it still hasn't been enough for him.

Please pray that we are able to get all of this resolved today because I can't afford the cost of the mediation.

Please pray that this depression is lifted from me because the daily crying, the lack of motivation, the insomnia, the lack of energy and like/love for anything - is getting to me.

Please pray that child support becomes a consistent thing because my bills are so far behind right now that they are calling my parents and my parents are getting even more negative with me.

Please just pray...

My Days....

Well so much is going on right now that my life is in a tailspin.

Kyle didn't get into the school. I am working on taking things a day at a time.

Tomorrow is mediation. I just have very little to say. I would love to agree to whatever but I won't. I am still not getting child support on a regular basis and he is still hiding behind his company.

Depression is an overwhelming thing in my life right now. Day in and day out. I am having a hard time to getting anything done. All the way from getting up and out of bed in the morning to getting laundry and dishes done.

I have pretty much come to accept that I am just going to be staying here doing it myself. Jack will be around but for the most part - since 5 people can't live here - and we can't afford to be anywhere else it is just going to be as it is. With her coming we will just make due.

I wish it didn't add to my depression but it does. I know I won't be alone so to speak but I feel like it.

I have gotten so good at hiding what I feel that well - it doesn't matter much anymore.

I need to find a job so that I can afford something but I am afraid to get a job when Kyle and his schooling is a full time job. Plus now lets add this new baby and well - the thought of all of it is just overwhelming me.

If I had a job I am sure we would be just fine. I guess I just have to figure out how to make every thing work; job, kyle, adam, isabella, the house, and myself.

Prayers...

We are getting down to the wire with where to live. I am so stressed that I am not sleeping, my IBS is horrible right now and I am not eating all to well. This isn't the only thing causing me stress but right now I am trying to tackle and allow only one stressor in my life at a time. It isn't always possible but I am working on not overwhelming myself (doesn't seem to be working to well).

We are looking at foreclosed homes and homes for sale. Does not mean it is going to happen and I don't want my hopes to be up but we need someplace to live.

We can not stay in the apartment. Not really wanting a mobile home but would go with a modular. Townhomes/duplexes are so darn expensive when it comes to rent that we might as well buy.

So there are a couple we are looking at right now. One is a forecloser and one is going through the foreclosure process. Not sure what will happen if anything but we need to keep on moving forward.

I have talked to the kids about this because where we are looking is not in the same school district we are in right now. We are looking here but the taxes in this town are so darn high - it would not be worth trying to stay here; not unless the house was just about given to us. Adam is okay with it - he doesn't want to leave but he would be excited about making new friends. Kyle on the other hand is not okay with it. He would have to leave the school his uncle went to and he thinks he is just like his uncle. He has already decided he won't be playing sports at the new school because he doesn't like the field or track (he played on them ONCE two years ago). It just saddens me that he is acting like this but he think it will make us stay in this school. It won't we need to go where we can afford to live.

Plus then there is the other stress of not hearing from that school we applied to yet. I don't want him to start at one school and then have to switch but if he gets accepted we won't have a choice if we don't find out soon. He hasn't even gone through the interview process yet which is only the second step.

Spoke with Kyle's dad today and I guess he got another job. It is about time. Hopefully he will start to pay child support again and that will help with Kyle's school supplies.

This was titled prayers and this is what I need prayers about the most right now:

1. We are going in the right direction for our living situation and if we are not the doors close fast enough for us to move forward with the next option on our list. We have to know by October 1st what we are doing and not knowing is hard for me to deal with.

2. That the school situation; any transfers that need to take place go smoothly for the boys. I feel that they have gone through enough in the past year and I would like prayers covering them for the upcoming moving.

3. That the baby is growing and healthy. We have an appointment on Friday again. They are doing another ultrasound even though we just had one and that isn't normal. So even though nothing was said to me - it is jus odd that they are doing one again so soon and it has me a bit worried.

Weekend Thoughts....

What a weekend. There were a few times I wondered what in the heck to think but for the most part - the weekend helped with a lot of things.


I saw Jack a few times. Had emotional break-downs (man how I hate the hormonal surges that cause the crying for no reason). In the end though things were said that I needed to know.


Housing situation is still getting to me. I am thinking a "house" would be to much right now. Yet I don't want to stay here. I have been looking at modular homes but the problem is the amount needed down for one. Having spent all my savings I don't even have money to move into another apartment. There are still a couple I am going to call on anyway - just to see what they have to say...


Frustrated with Todd and his antics. He called last night at 6:30 to tell me they were still a hour and a half away and had not had dinner (Adam was supposed to be home by 7). I wanted to blow but I told him he needed to be home by 8:30. Well 8:30 gets here and he is calling asking if he can take him home because he needs help unloading things. I explain that I want him home at 7 so I can start getting him back into a school schedule and he is like, "I understand" but yet he didn't get him home until 9:20 last night. I am soooooooo tired of this crap. I give and he takes and takes and takes and thinks it is all fine.


So now for me - what do I do with what is going on in my life? I have written about this before but it is true. I am the queen of sabotaging my own life. This weekend makes me more than anything want to change that but I have no idea how. I stay guarded and I need to move beyond that. No one who is in my life right now is anyone from my past and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not going to be those from my past.


My divorce is taking forever. Not that I really expected things to be done and better and fixed by now but he is just dragging things out. He isn't getting his way and there are reasons for it. He wants Adam all the time and he says he will abide by the rules set for the school yet and yet he can't even get Adam home on time now. I don't trust him. My divorce is hindering my ability to move forward....


Technically speaking - I am married on paper. Our marriage was over long ago though. I tried and tried and tried to make things work and to fix things but I was doing it wrong. When I left I had hope things could still be salvaged - after a few months of him not changing - I knew that it was true - our marriage was over. I still care and love him but not like you should.


Now though - my heart belongs to another. There is a relationship there. Is it wrong that I am still married on paper - yes but in the end the marriage was over before this friendship even started.


Now to make it through the divorce and navigate through this new stuff.

Pregnancy

As of tomorrow I am going to be 21 weeks.

Last weekend while taking a bath this little bean was beating on me so much that I could see my stomach moving. I don't remember seeing the outside of me move like this until I was much further along with the boys.

It amazes me that I have life inside of me. The growth that is going on because of my body protecting it.

The pregnancy hasn't only given me a new child - it has given me a chance to grow. I am learning that not all men are the same. That I can attempt to trust some of them (at least one right now).

It isn't the prefect time to get pregnant but the growth on all aspects is amazing!

Patience

I am working on having patience but Todd just pushes me. I have gotten used to hanging the phone up on him. Since Tuesday he has been rude and disrespectful of me when he talks to me because he isn't getting his way. I have learned how to just hang the phone up since I don't need to listen to it.

It is getting easier to see once again why I left. It is getting easier to see once again why I don't want Adam around him as much.

Friendships...

What do you excel at? I excel at sabotaging relationships.

Actually that is true and not true... I am good at it but I am tried of it.

Today I cut off some friendships that seem to be unhealthy for me. I feel bad but at the same time I don't feel so bad. I was as honest as I could be and I am going on.

I am sure they will be shocked and hurt and whatever else but I am done with it.

I have not been a good friend to a lot of people. I have been a good friend to other people. Overall I haven't been the best friend and that is probably what sticks out most in my head.

I just need to zip it and go on with my life as it is...

You know what my biggest downfall is with friends. I struggle with being honest with them. I vent to others behind their back because I am to afraid to hurt their feelings. There are some who I just say whatever to because they have thick skin or they can take it. Then there are some who I would not darn say anything to because they take it to heart and get angry at me.

It is best if I just back away from everyone. Work on myself. Work on my relationships with God. Find a new church home.

Mediation

Mediation has been scheduled for August 22nd and I can't afford it.

Todd had told me back in June he was going to pay for my 1/2 and now he is taking it back. He isn't going to pay for my 1/2 and we have to go.

I can't afford it and why should I have to pay for mediation when Todd won't agree to anything. I am not asking for much. Yet he is not happy and wants more and more.

I want to curl up and just cry and never get back up. I am so tired of all of this crude.

We are trying to settle prior to the mediation but Todd won't settle on anything unless it is exactly what he wants; which is full custody of Adam or at least joint with 50% time with Adam (no child support but he expects me to pay for everything for him) and me getting nothing from our house or anything.

He lies and manipulates and I look like an idiot all the time around him because he does lie and manipulates and it makes me crazy.

Please just pray. I have to go to mediation and I don't have the money for it.

As Expected...

As I expected he "tabled" the whole thing I put on paper expect for the visitation and what I offered was not good enough for him...

So to be honest I didn't even read the whole thing.

I told him that visitation was to stay as I outlined last week and if he did not remember what that was I would reiterate that for him.

If he was not satisfied with what he has now he needed to contact his lawyer and we needed to go to court for the judge to decide.

I am done. I am not going to be divorced for a long time. He is not willing to do anything unless it is on his terms and his terms are not acceptable to me.

He is saying things to Adam and Kyle (when Kyle goes) and they are not appropriate and it is turning the boys against me. I most days am beaten down because it is so draining dealing with all this.

We were supposed to go to court in May and it was put off and now until we agree on visitation he won't talk about anything.

It is his way of once again having control over me and my life. It just kills me.

I always want to believe he has changed but the truth is he doesn't. He can say he does till he is blue in the face but his actions show more than his words ever will.

The bad thing is - he is now manipulating the boys and Adam isn't Adam when he comes home. I hate watching it but what can I do about it.

Solutions...

I am looking for solutions to things in my life. Things have been difficult with the pending divorce and never moving anywhere.

Todd is more than happy with nothing moving forward and in many aspects alienating the boys against me. It kills me. I find myself opening my mouth then about things that do not concern them and then I kick myself.

I am really good at saying, "These things are not appropriate for us to be talking about. It is between your dad (or Todd) and I" but lately the more and more that is said - the less and less I am saying that. I get mad at myself then for being so darn baited like that.

I do not know if I told anyone but I changed the visitation schedule. It did not make Todd happy at all but in all honesty he has to comply since there is nothing on record with the courts for visitation.

So we both have things we want and need right now. I want to be able to help us both out. I sent him a message and I am hoping to hear from him soon about it.

I am thinking in the end he is not going to agree to it but I would like to keep the possibilities open for it to happen. It won't get my credit cards or lawyer bill paid off like what was hoped for when all of this started but I am doing my best to pay Ken what is owed to him at this point in time. Yet it would solve a housing dilemma at this point in time (I am thinking).

I am tired of this all dragging on. Please pray for resolution.

Job

I have an opportunity for a job. I have orientation/interview tomorrow evening. It is for something I have wanted to do for a long time but never was able to afford the training classes/license.

So I am going to go tomorrow night with an open mind. Hoping that maybe there is a way to do it this time even though I am on my own.

I am not going to get into details right now but it is on Tuesday the 7th @ 7:30.

So if you pray - please do....

Very Tired

I am worn out. I have no idea how I am going to keep on going. I feel as if there are just no solutions anymore to anything.

Just pray for me if you do - I feel as if I am hitting a brick wall daily with everything that goes on...

Scattered Thoughts

Some days are good and some are bad. Being pregnant and the hormones are tiring at times. I try to have more good days than bad but lately it has been hard to do.

I am wanting the divorce to be over with. Technically right now it can be over with. It is not because I can not get Todd to agree to anything it seems. He has two things he wants and it leaves me with nothing. I can not agree to that. So something has come to light and I think I might be able to apply this for us to move forward. I am praying about it but this has been on my mind for a long while. I guess I just have to find out how to approach it.

I am going to be 20 weeks as of tomorrow. Still don't know if it is a boy or girl. Have another ultrasound on the 17th of August and am hoping that the bean cooperates. I guess we don't have to know but I would like to know so I don't get everything just neutral; which is what I get now when I have the money.

Looking for patience and peace. I seem to be lacking in those things right now. Not really lacking in patience but lacking in the waiting for things to fall into place. I want answers now and of course that isn't going to happen - I have to wait.

Someone reminded me that God knew this baby was coming and it is a blessing - even if it isn't the best circumstances. Lately I really needed that reminder.

If you want something specific to pray for - pray for finances to fall into place and a home for all of us to fall into place.