Weekend Thoughts....

What a weekend. There were a few times I wondered what in the heck to think but for the most part - the weekend helped with a lot of things.


I saw Jack a few times. Had emotional break-downs (man how I hate the hormonal surges that cause the crying for no reason). In the end though things were said that I needed to know.


Housing situation is still getting to me. I am thinking a "house" would be to much right now. Yet I don't want to stay here. I have been looking at modular homes but the problem is the amount needed down for one. Having spent all my savings I don't even have money to move into another apartment. There are still a couple I am going to call on anyway - just to see what they have to say...


Frustrated with Todd and his antics. He called last night at 6:30 to tell me they were still a hour and a half away and had not had dinner (Adam was supposed to be home by 7). I wanted to blow but I told him he needed to be home by 8:30. Well 8:30 gets here and he is calling asking if he can take him home because he needs help unloading things. I explain that I want him home at 7 so I can start getting him back into a school schedule and he is like, "I understand" but yet he didn't get him home until 9:20 last night. I am soooooooo tired of this crap. I give and he takes and takes and takes and thinks it is all fine.


So now for me - what do I do with what is going on in my life? I have written about this before but it is true. I am the queen of sabotaging my own life. This weekend makes me more than anything want to change that but I have no idea how. I stay guarded and I need to move beyond that. No one who is in my life right now is anyone from my past and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not going to be those from my past.


My divorce is taking forever. Not that I really expected things to be done and better and fixed by now but he is just dragging things out. He isn't getting his way and there are reasons for it. He wants Adam all the time and he says he will abide by the rules set for the school yet and yet he can't even get Adam home on time now. I don't trust him. My divorce is hindering my ability to move forward....


Technically speaking - I am married on paper. Our marriage was over long ago though. I tried and tried and tried to make things work and to fix things but I was doing it wrong. When I left I had hope things could still be salvaged - after a few months of him not changing - I knew that it was true - our marriage was over. I still care and love him but not like you should.


Now though - my heart belongs to another. There is a relationship there. Is it wrong that I am still married on paper - yes but in the end the marriage was over before this friendship even started.


Now to make it through the divorce and navigate through this new stuff.