My Church, My Home, My Family

Had things I had to get done today but what I was most excited about was the fact that the arts picnic at church was today. Oh have my missed my church family.

Lindsey called me last night and we talked for a while. I spent time on the phone with Nicki, called and left my number at my brothers, and my parents. Also talked with Jean. Lindsey and Tony want us to come and live with them.

I was ready to jump at it but if I do then I am no longer homeless and I have a much longer weight for things. I really wanted to just say yes but said I would pray about it.

Then the boys were with them tonight. Of course Tony wanted to talk. He didn't understand why I could not just come and move in with him and Linds and live rent free and just help with groceries and save up money.

A few things stopped me from jumping on the chance. If I am there supposed to be saving money I feel as if I am going to have to account for each and every penny I spend. I don't want to feel like that. I just went through all of that with Todd. Not that I should not have to account for what I spend to my husband but he never did and it always made me feel guilty when he questioned everything I did.

Well I got back to the shelter and decided I had enough of being there. I called Linds and told her we were coming. So we packed up and left.

Broken

I feel as if I keep on hitting brick walls. Go down to the courthouse today. I can not file for temporary custody until a motion is filed. So what that means is unless I file for a divorce a motions for custody can not happen. Now I could just file a motion for custody but that is just for unwed people.

So I ended up calling the school to find out what I could do. We are going to have me schooling Adam for the first couple of weeks.Went to call Qwest and MCI today. Todd had put all of those into his name. Well I had to remove myself from the MCI one but I am not looking to hurt him or his company. The Qwest one they already took my name off of it.

I am broken inside at this moment. I realized today that this marriage is probable over. He switched the bills into his name. Instead of worrying about calling Pastor Mark or Lew he called the bills because he still thinks I am the old me. The one looking to hurt him. The one who will make him pay.

"Fear not Amy - I the Lord am with you and you are 4GVN"

My heart broke today when it dawned on me - he does not love me enough to want to make the marriage work.

I fear he has already filed for a divorce. Of course he is going to want Adam.

I am feeling broken Lord. Very broken. I feel as if I should have just stayed and lived with it all.

I have not called family because I am afraid of what they are going to say. Must be my bipolar. Me just doing things without thinking.

I am broken.

Frustrations and Praises

It is only 3:10 and I am burnt out today. I was close to getting on my hands and knees and begging Todd to let me come back. Telling myself it really was not all that bad and I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. At least that is how I feel right now.

Kyle is acting out with subtle violence against Adam. He is being very defiant and being here I have a very hard time. he is rude and disrespectful in front of everyone and I can no nothing other than trying to make him take a timeout. I am in tears over this a lot.

Adam is getting blamed for so much by Kyle and he is just taking it. I am at a loss.

Close to buying a pack of cigarettes. Do I need that habit again? Of course not but it would be nice to just smoke one I keep on thinking.

Went to FIA today. I make to much money for help from them. A family of three can only make $471.00 a month to be able to qualify for assistance. Are they nuts? I mean how in the heck does a family of three live on that? Went to the social security office today and I can not get Kyles SS card. We changed his name in 2001 or 2002 and they can not find the paperwork we gave them. It was never changed in their system. So I need a legal paper with his old and new names on it and the court paper that shows the change. Well I am not at home so how can I get something wit his old and new name on it?

I got back here and go to fill out the housing paperwork and I am told the waiting list is long. Over two years for Salvation Army and about four months for Project H.E.A.L. AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Made an appointment with legal aid as well today. First opening is September 12th. Okay so now what do I do about the boys and school? I am told I need to file for temporary custody with immediate consideration. I go to the courthouse. Sent to the 5th floor and they are closed on Monday and Friday. Sent to the 3rd floor - told I need to go to the 2nd floor. Get to the 2nd floor and i am told you can only file here - I need the paperwork. Of course it all leads back to me needing to get it from the 5th floor and that is closed on Monday and Fridays. So I left and went to Rockford to go and turn in my apartment application. I stood for about 15 minutes listening to a women talk about all the apartments her daughter has lived in and how bad they were. Then I got to turn in my application finally. Lucky for me it turned into a good thing. If I can verify the my things (which are; disability, living in a shelter and letters from my PDoc about the abuse) I will be close to top of the list if not already. It would be about 30 days she said. Well that means for about 2 weeks or so I would need to find a place to live. Lord willing it will work out. She actually has a 2 bedroom open rightnow but I would need to be on section 8 housing and of course they are not accepting any applications right now.

So my chores today were the kitchen from 1-2 (sweep floor, dishes, counters and food). Plus the 2nd floor bathroom tonight. Well i am okay with both of these but there was poop all over the toilet. All they have are latex gloves to clean and I am allergic to latex. So I had to clean it all with bare hands. The ladies on the 2nd floor think I am prejudice. I tried and tried to talk to them and finally gave up after being ignored. So now they think I am an issue with them; so this should add to it. I must admit though I am the only white person with white children here and that is where the problem is coming from. It just seems kind of odd. Am I the only white person who is has these issues or am I the only one who can't provide for herself? It has been a long frustrating day for me. I am hoping Wanda will have some good news for me tomorrow. Of course it might be another month before I have a place. Plus that means I will have to find a place for a week or so. Now I am repeating myself.

Lord this has been a really trying day for me. I need to praise You so thank you for the small things You have done for me today. The hope that was given from Hillview. The glorious rain that watered the grass. Lord please be with Todd. Comfort him. Help him see what he will be missing if he chooses not to get help. Lord I love him and I love You. I am pleading with You to help this marriage. Make it a God driven marriage and family. I bring my needs and want for this marriage to You. I know I have reservations in my heart but it is because I am so afraid he does not love me enough to want this to work. So I am trying to prepare my heart for the worse; but that is not for me to do - it is for You to do. I am praying for the best outcome there can be Lord. In Your name - Amen.

Fears

Today was full of emotions. We went to Paul and Lisa's for the day. We went early so I could get some things done. I started to get worried because he had not touched our joint account and no one had heard from him as far as I knew. I called Julie and Joerg and they called all three of our phone numbers and left a message because he did not answer. Then I called the police to have them go and check on him. They called back to say he was out mowing the lawn and fine. Then I called Julie back and he was calling Joerg at the same time. He said something about if she wants to talk to me she needs to call me herself or if she wants to know how I am she needs to call me herself. Basically it came down to I needed to call him. So then I was upset because he seems to not care. It was frustrating. I went from one extreme to the next extreme.

When I got to Lisa's today I lost it. First time I really cried over all this. I mean I cried the first night with the boys but today it hit so hard. In less than a year I might be single and I do not want to be. I want my husband to see this is a big deal and we do need help.I want my husband. I want my marriage.

Lord I bring my marriage before you now. You are an awesome Lord. You created the heavens and earth. you sent Your only Son to this earth to die for my sins. Lord You can make miracles happen. Please bring our family back together. I do not want my children to suffer for their parents sin. I believe my marriage can work just as I believe in Your love and forgiveness. In Your name - Amen.

Todd I love you. I do not want this to end but I can not go on like this. I am pleading for help to be gotten. This is no longer in my hands - it is in yours and the Lords. I love you - Amy Lee

Saturday

Well here it is Saturday. It has been an okay day. We got up and I made breakfast. We got our laundry in and going. We swept and mopped all the stairs (that was a really big job). Two sets of stairs - three floors up and down to the basement. I should have sweat off at least 10 pounds - okay maybe a whole pound.

We went to the store to guy a piece of cake for Christa for her birthday. It is the first person I met here. Plus she was supposed to spend today with her mom but she ended up needing to work. The boys and I also made her some birthday cards.

I figured out today we are about 8 blocks from the library. Not to bad. I am going to grab my tennis shoes from Lisa's so we can walk there next week.

Talked to Rachel (another Christian women here) today and she let me know that the state helps pay for an apartment. I mean they help pay to get you into an apartment. They will pay most of the fist months rent and deposit. That is nice to know because it means (hopefully) the money I have I can use for beds and household items.

I am ready to be in our apartment. I know it will be a while but I am ready. God willing it will be less than the 30 days we are allowed to be here.

Adam let me know last night he is gonna sleep with me until we go home because he does not want me to be lonely. I love my children.

Lord thank you for this shelter. It has been a blessing to the boys and myself. Thank you for the beautiful weather we have had. It has allowed us time to be outside to play. Lord be with Todd. Help him see how much we need him to be willing to get help and how much we love him. Protect him from harm that the enemy will try to inflict. In Your name - Amen.

Day One

Well we made it our first night. Adam slept in bed with me - it is a single bed. it was not the most comfortable but at least he does not hate me. I was so afraid the boys would hate me but they do not; at least not yet.

We went to the Social Security office this morning. We went and got applications for two apartments. i also called the doctor office to get the paperwork so I could get the boys new SS cards. We also spent a good part of the day tracking down a fan. We are on the third floor (I had better lose some weight with all this running) and it is really hot up here.

I bought a TV and antena. We are allowed to have them in our rooms. Plus it has a DVD player right in it. One of the best things I found out today is that I will be eligible for help from the state even though we are married. Less pressure to find a job right this minutes. I am still searching from one but I am not so worried about it now.

Need to go and make dinner now.

So overall it was a good day.

We cleaned the bathroom tonight. Everyone has one or two jobs a day to get done. I am gonna guess most do not really do the jobs. The bathroom was so gross but at least now I know it is clean.

I am really missing Todd. I hope Adam wants to sleep with me again tonight because it gave me some comfort.

Dear Lord be with my husband during these days. Make Your presence known to him. We love You and we are so grateful for all You have provided for us. God I claim victory in my marriage. Heal us both to bring us back together. Use Yourself Lord to heal this marriage. Lord we love You and honor You. Be wish us on this road You have placed us on. In Your name - Amen

Leaving Day

Well tonight when Todd went to golf I packed up some things and the boys and I went to the shelter. The boys took it rather well and I am praying Todd is gonna want help as well. We have 30 days here. 30 days to find a job, a place to live and hopefully start to improve my - our marriage..

It was a long hard day and a lot of the things I wanted to get were left behind. It is okay though because we are in God's hands - all four of us.

Lord take care of my husband. Protect his heart and mind. Help him see that we just need a little help but we can make it. In Your name Amen.

"Lord I praise Your greatness even in this storm."

Very First Post

I have been blogging for almost a year now. Actually it will be a year in about a week.

The Lord is good and I have to praise Him even during storms. That is a very hard thing for me; or it was a very hard thing for me.

Over the past 31 years I have learned how to stuff things. I stuff them down so much that sometimes I never have to deal with the issues again; which is not a good thing.

Other things I stuff and others bring them up over and over and then I have to deal with them. I address them and I am usually shot down or told those feels are invalid and I once again stuff them. I can push them off for a long time as well; I usually only explode about once a year about these things.

I am about to start a new path in life. Hopefully it will be starting a new marriage with my husband but I am preparing myself for it to be the end of my marriage as well.

This blog is going to be about that journey. The journey I am taking from this point on. I needed a place I can write and vent and share and this is going to be that place.

My safe place