Jumbled Post...

So this post probably won't make sense to many but I have had so much running through my head for the last day.

I went to see the movie "Facing the Giants" tonight. What an awesome movie! If you only get to see one movie this year - pick this one. It is a wonderful, moral, Christian movie. Truly amazing.

I feel as if I am back in the grieving process. Today has been a really rough night. Actually it all started last night. I realized how mad and angry I am. So that in turn makes me really sad.

I have decided my marriage as it was is over. There is nothing to go back to and to be honest I don't want to go back.

I am struggling to love Todd right now and someone said to me sometimes you need to let things die so they can be reborn (not exact wording).

To be honest it isn't even a struggle - I just plain don't love him right now.

That kills me. My husband; the man the Lord placed me with - I don't love.

I don't have that first love to look back upon though. We never had a courtship to look back at and remember. We moved to fast to have that. We did things the wrong way.

We talked online from the end of October until November 6th. We went on our first date November 6th. I moved into his apartment a couple days later. We did not live together as boyfriend/girlfriend the first week (sad really). Then after about two weeks we kissed and the rest is history; as they say.

I was confused and just diagnosed as being bipolar. I had a reason for my insanity but still wasn't well. I was into self injury. I was into self destruction. I zoned out and was someone else. I lied. I pushed everyone away. I was not well.

I didn't love myself so how in the heck could I love anyone else?

When I got pregnant we should have split up. We should have let it all go but instead we made each other miserable. We hated each other and we held nothing back to let the other person know that.

God has graced me with love for Todd once and I believe He can grace our marriage again. Yet it is not going to be the marriage we had before. I do not want the marriage we had before because it wasn't Godly and I do not want it.

I want to let it die. I need to let it go. If the Lord wants us to be married; we will be married. He will create us a marriage from the ground up. He will bring life to the dead and that includes dead marriages.

I have a lot of guilt right now. Guilt over leaving my husband. Guilt over weather or not I did everything possible to make it work. Guilt over being angry. Guilt over all I want.

I am grieving it all. I can't even see pregnant women right now. I break down crying. Seeing babies pulls at my heart. Why is that? I am not grieving the loss of a child - it is my marriage that died...

It has been a crazy couple of days but I know if my marriage is going to be brought back to life the Lord will do it!

Pondering...

Sitting here today I have been thinking and pondering and wondering and feeling okay.

I mean really - I have been feeling okay. I keep on waiting for the world to drop out from beneath me but so far it has not. Maybe I am expecting the worst but it hasn't happened yet.

I have been a person in the past who sees the glass as 1/2 empty. Yet in the last two years or so I have been seeing it as 1/2 full. Amazing what a change in attitude can do to the world.

Now I am not saying I have gone back to being a person who sees the glass as 1/2 full. Yet with my bipolar disorder I kind of expected it to be a lot worse for me. I expect it to rear its ugly head and so far - I am okay...

Got a call from Hillview today - about a month and I will have a place to live! I will have a 2 bedroom townhouse in about a month! How exciting for me and the boys...

I am pretty excited about it actually. We will have our own place. I can have my friends over for new years eve (I always have a new years eve get together).

God is good - all the time!

I have much more I want to say but need to get going for now. I will write more later.

Seasons

Amazing how many things go through ones head.

Everything that was needed for the apartment on my part is done. I am waiting now on the credit report and bank report. Then Sandy will pass the information onto the manager and I will either get a letter if denied or a phone call if approved. I should have gotten either one by the end of next week. Please pray...

I start my new job next week Monday. I have to be there at 8:30 and I will be working until 2:30. This is a perfect time for me the only thing is; I forgot when setting this up that - I can do these hours when we have our apartment because Adam will be riding the bus then. Well I am gonna have to ask Linds if maybe she can take Adam to school or help out some... I know they are flexible there but I just started and don't want to have to ask if I can change the schedule I just set up.

I was driving today and looking at the leaves on the trees. We are entering into a new season here. It is becoming Autumn and it is so pretty.

We have seasons here: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. No matter where you live you have the seasons. Of course they may not be as extreme in other places but you still have the seasons.

We have seasons in our life as well. How do you make it through those seasons and how long do they last? We of course don't know the but Lord knows!

The hardest season for me to get through is winter. We are coming to winter in real life right now and my life is sort of in a winter season as well. Ironic; well not really.... You want to know the wonder of winter though? When you look around during the winter; all the trees look dead. There are no flowers. You can't see the grass. Sometimes you don't see the sun for days. Yet it is all still there and it all comes back to life.

I am praying my winter brings upon the spring and the new life grows and grows!

Job!

I JUST GOT OFFERED A JOB AT A PLACE THAT IS FAMILY FRIEND AND WILLING TO WORK WITH ME AND MY DISABILITY!!!!!
GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

Internal Calm

Today I have had a strange sense of calm over me. A few things have added to this...

I started to read a book last night. When Your Marriage Dies: Answers to questions about separation and divorce by: Laura Petherbridge.

It helped me realize that I am going to go through the stages of grief. Even if my marriage isn't over; I am going through a big thing in my life and it is okay to grieve. I won't get through all the stages at once and I will go back to stages even when I thought I was done with one stage. I am okay with this. I can accept this. It helps to know I am not the only one.

Today while driving it dawned on me that I am not going to settle in my marriage. I am not going to just settle for what Todd wants marriage to be and I am not going to just settle for what I thought marriage should be. I am only going to settle for what God expects our marriage to be.

Right now I am okay and at peace with what else we are going to go through.

Therapy and More...

Well where do I even start today?!

Therapy last night.... It went okay. Todd showed up at 6:45 instead of 6:15 but he thought it started at 6:30 so he would have been late anyway. When asked what he hoped to accomplish out of this he wasn't sure. I answered reconciliation.

We are supposed to meet for a meal sometime. Something more formal. Something that does not need to cost a lot but we need to be talking face to face. We need to be practicing not being judgemental.

We need to practice when in doubt question. We need to practice something else and I really can not remember right now.

Adam is going to Todd's tonight.

Now here is the bad things - I am mad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am tired.

I went to the house today to get Kyle's hunters safety license that he found and Kyle's boots he found. What is missing from the house - the tree.

Yes the tree that was in our garden that I have asked for the past three years to have it removed but he didn't want to, didn't have the time, wasn't going to remove it without replacing it, and the list goes on. It is gone. It has been really hard for me to keep up with the garden because those roots grow out new trees daily. I spend most of my time taking care of those stupid roots and nothing else ever got done. Now that I am gone - it is gone.

What is so wrong with doing the things I ask? I have wanted to paint the bathroom, family room, kitchen and dining room... Getting rid of the mice, repairing the roof, helping me organizing the house and so on... Everything I have asked for is now being done with his parents...

A few good things - I have another interview on Monday. Lets pray I get in the door for this one. My assessment went good this morning at 4-Point Staffing. I got a letter from the apartment complex and have the interview with them on Monday.

I just can't believe how hurt I am. I am trying to just let God work and do what He needs to do. Yet the more and more I find out the more and more upset and hurt I get. I know it is okay to hurt. I know it is normal to hurt. I know it is going to happen. Yet it makes me mad at times that I feel this way.

1st Therapy Session Tonight...

I have created my list of concerns. It is not complete I know this but it was long. I am sure Todd will have one as well and then the therapist can go from there.

I have my copies of the letters I gave to Todd last year and this year. I also made copies of the letters he gave to me that I had with me here. I also made copies of the bill from he hotel for the movie he rented and what they said about the cost and packages.

He had told me that he rented the movie the night before he left (it was shown on Sunday) and then he told me after the hotel told me it was a porn movie that it was a package that he could watch any movie he wanted. I also have the fax from them stating they do not offer package deals at their hotel for movies.

I was not focused on things Todd did wrong. I focused on our relationship with the concerns. I think the first two are things I did wrong in our relationship actually. I was open and honest and did my best not to hold anything back.

I want this marriage to work and I have prayed about this list for a long time now. There are a few things that might make him feel defensive and that is okay because I am preparing my heart and mind now.

Please pray for us. The appointment is at 6:15 tonight.

---------------------------------
Primary concerns list:

Primary Concerns (from Amy’s Point of View; not in any particular order)

Of course all of this is from my point of view. I know this goes into much greater detail than you probably wanted to begin with but we have a very different/difficult past/present. I felt it was best to get most of the cards out on the table so we can start to deal with them as soon as possible.

1. I have bipolar disorder. Todd does not really believe in it but uses it as an excuse for his actions at times. I have been in Pine Rest twice (2001: mania & 2003: depression) but Todd says I used it as a hiatus and payback towards him. Yet this last fight over money he told me he was questioning my spending because he was afraid I went off my meds and he was afraid I was manic again. In the years we have been together he has never cared if I was on or not on my meds; he has always told me it is my issues and he doesn’t care to be involved.

2. My past actions. About six months into the relationship I slept with another man and got pregnant. When I was about two months pregnant I admitted it to Todd. Pregnancy was horrible with both sickness and the treatment from Todd towards me. I heard many times he was only sticking around until he knew whose child it was. We did stay together and did end up getting married in 2000 (Adam was born in 1999). We have never done a paternity test but we both feel as if Adam’s biological dad is the other man. After we got married I had an emotional/physical infidelity with another man in 2001; Todd is aware of this one as well.

3. We used to have sex 3 to 4 times a year. Todd always denied and rejected and pushed away. Told me over and over it was because he just wasn’t interested and it was not going to change. In November 2004 I asked him if he was using pornography and he said yes. I asked if it was before our marriage, during our marriage or both and he said both. I asked him to stop and he said he would. A few weeks later he left his computer unlocked (he always locks it even when he gets up to go to the bathroom) and I got on to check because he started again with the excuses (it has to happen naturally, you can’t plan it, etc.). I found sites he had been going to again in both the cookies and the history. I tried to address it that day and he blew up at me told me he said he would stop and he did and it wasn’t a big deal. Then he left to go and help his dad who had fallen. He came home and I tried to address it again and he yelled at me over it and how I feel he has a problem and it isn’t a problem. I asked him to put an accountability program on his computer and he refused saying he didn’t need to because it isn’t an issue. I was not allowed to talk about it, address how it made me feel or anything because he felt the issues was over. Then the following year we had more issues (he was in Baltimore for work and ordered porn movies each time; hotel confirmed it for me and he lied about it even after I had confirmation and yelled at me telling me if I trusted the hotel over him that was my issue because he knew the truth) and I gave him an ultimatum but it turned into him telling me I had to pay for ½ of the household bills and him giving me a bill if I was not going to pay for his food and prescriptions anymore. I gave him because he would not pay the bills and I dropped it.

4.When we have to be some place I do not feel as if Todd respects the time we need to be there. We arrive late to church, appointments, family get together, etc. When he is working that feels like it is the only thing that matters.

5. I feel we lack in skills to communicate. When there is something I would like to discuss I bring I up at bad times (when he is going to bed, trying to relax, etc.) most of the times. I feel as if there is never any time for us to really talk about what we need to discuss and when we do start talking about things I am told my points are invalid or we don’t need to discuss them or he won’t discuss them. Then I push and say mean things because I am angry that once again I was shut down from talking to him about things that are bothering me. So not only do I cross his boundaries when he says no, he does not allow me to voice my opinion and we never seem to get past that.

6. We have money issues. Very early in our relationship I would spend money uncontrollably. After we got married I spent our wedding money on junk. I did pay the money back to Todd though in 2003. We have a joint account that only my money goes into. Todd has a separate checking account that all of his money goes into. It is my responsibility to write out all the checks from the joint account (which I have to buy checks for), then send an email to Todd with the bills and their amounts and then collect a check from him to deposit into our joint account to pay our household bills. He pays these monthly: mortgage, gas, electric, trash, phone, water, cable, long distance, life insurance (for both), home owners insurance, and his medical bills. I am responsible for all our prescriptions, groceries, gifts/cards, my car insurance, my car repairs, my fuel, any medical bills for the boys and myself, the medical co-pays for appointments/emergencies, any miscellaneous things the boys needs (school/sports pictures, sports registration, school supplies/clothes, Christmas/birthday presents, etc.), all household items including the pool supplies in the summer months.

7. We do not make joint decisions on a regular basis; nor do we pray about what we are doing. He has said to me many times that it is his life and he is going to do what he wants to do before he dies. He has been saving $600 a month for a vacation with the boys to ski. Much more goes into this but Todd is sick and we do not know what is going on; no answers from any specialist yet and he wants to finish his to do list. I often feel as if he is a married man living a single life.

8. I have lied to Todd in the past about things I enjoy and don’t enjoy. He went on a trip to Colorado to go skiing for 10 days back in 2003 with friends. He was then offered to go on a trip to Austria to go skiing as well with part of the same set. I have never been interested in skiing but after realizing he was going on this trip with or without me; I decided to try it. I lied and told him I enjoyed it because I did not want him to go on the trip without me. It was my fault I lied to him but at that point I was desperate to be a part of his life and that meant if I had to lie to him to be able to be with him I would. I know Todd has lied to me in the past; the difference between my lies and his lies are I admit to them and he never does even if I have proof to show him he is lying to me.

9. I feel we have boundary issues. He does not respect what I say. He tells me I am not thinking, feeling, or doing things for the reasons I state – he tells me why I am thinking, feeling and doing those things. He does not hear when I correct him and let him know it is inaccurate and it always turns bad because either I stop talking to him and stuff it all (and then explode later) or I explode then trying to get him to understand.

10. I feel as if we both have an anger issue which then leads to other issues. When we try to communicate and it goes wrong; voices raise, I get upset and try to prevent him from leaving the room, he throws things at me, holds me down, yells in my face, I yell at him, we both call each other names.

11. I feel as if we have abuse issues; emotional, verbal and physical. Over the nine years we have been together Todd has put his hands around my throat (once), has thrown numerous things at me and then says he was throwing them at whatever was behind me, has held me down or up against a wall and yelled in my face. I have yelled at him and I have thrown things as well. The verbal and emotional are subtle. Makes me feel as if I don’t know what I am talking about or feeling or that I am crazy. Todd was arrested in Arizona on assault charges long ago as well. I have never been arrested on assault charges but Todd has called the police on me numerous times.

12. I feel as if he has to have control over all situations. He has to go to bed at 8 PM in order to get up in the middle of the night to work. So because he goes to bed we all have to go to bed. If I am on the phone past 8 or get a phone call past 8 he starts making comments, “Who in their right mind calls after 8? Who are you talking to? Can’t you get off the phone now?” and it goes on. If he can not reach me on my cell phone when he wants to speak to me he leaves me unkind messages like why do I even pay for you to have a phone. Yet if I can’t reach him he just says sorry you know the two-way doesn’t always work and our service isn’t that great.

13. I feel as if we have trust issues. He does not trust me because of my past behavior/lies and I do not trust him because of his past behavior/lies. We have never had a resolution to any of it. We were never allowed to talk about any of the things in our past because he said he would never be able to forgive me so he just needs to stuff the things so he can just live with me.

14. There is an issue with how the children are treated differently. Our oldest son is 13 and from a prior relationship I had. He has been in Kyle’s life since Kyle was 4.5 years old. Kyle gets attention from the negative things he does because when he does good things he does not get noticed. Adam is our 7 year old and he is praised and given a ton of attention. Adam is talking bad and thinks bad about Kyle because of what he sees and what he hears at home. Todd has been known to say do you want to be in trouble like Kyle for (fill in the blank). It is not fair to Kyle or Adam. I also find that I am yelling at the kids for things that they should not be in trouble for. I would rather have Todd yell at me for yelling at the kids than have him yelling at the kids. I am unable to carrying on a conversation with the boys when Todd is at home because he will just walk into the conversation and end it. He tells me I let the children manipulate and walk all over me when I talk to them and listen to them and their sides to the story. Also Kyle is ADHD, bipolar, anxiety, ODD and since Todd does not really believe in mental health issues he has not been willing to learn how to deal with these things.

15. The boys and I are not living at home right now. I packed them up and went to the shelter when there was an opening. Todd thinks this is a game. He thinks everything I do is because I am lonely and jealous of his work. The only way I could get him to see it was not a game was to leave and yet he still feels it is a game.

To My Anonymous Commenter...

I hope this doesn't sound mean but it probably will.

I have been willing and have been showing sacrificial love.

When I first found my most favorite site in the world (www.themarriagebed.com/boards) our marriage was a mess (pretty sad to think it is better now). We had not had sex in a 3 months when I found it and 5 months when I started posting and it went on for 255 days. During that time I asked him if he used porn and he admitted to it. During that time I caught him masturbating many times after I had tried to have sex with him.

Over a year ago I told him the porn had to stop and he needed to get help or I was going to leave. He made it impossible for me to leave. He started to charge me for 1/2 of everything in the house (I am on disability and my whole check is 1/2 of our mortgage payment) plus what I was already paying for. I dropped it and never addressed it again.

I have asked him many times to read books with me so I can learn how to be a better wife and his response is much the same each time. What I read and my reasons behind it are up to me and for me to choose.

I have read or working through:
Love & Respect
For Women Only
The Five Love Languages
The Power of a Praying Wife (and study book)
The Excellent Wife (and study book)
Sheet Music
Intimate Issues
Boundaries in Marriage
Captivating
Wild at Heart
Every Man's Battle
A Wife after God's own Heart
Marriage on the Rock
The Power of a Positive Wife
Fight Fair!

There are many other books I have read or have alone with CD's from Jimmy Evans on communication and other things... Anyway - the point is I have been trying to learn over the past two plus years.

When I found TMB I was there to change my husband because he was the refuser and I was desperate to fix my marriage. I did a lot of changing and I continue to change. Thank you very much for the advice.

Yet over the past two plus years I have not made any choices without praying and hearing from God first on the issue.

I do pray for my marriage. I carry the mini prayer book with me from The Power of a Praying Wife in my purse; it is with me each and every place I am.

It might seems like I am expecting my husband to change so I an survive but this isn't an issue of him making my life miserable with attitude. He has physically abused me for 9 years off and on. He has emotionally abused me and my children for 8.5 years. He has verbally abused me off and on for 9 years. This is not something I just woke up and decided to leave because I wasn't happy.

I asked him numerous times to go and get help with me and he has refused. The problem and issue is mine and mine alone. I have accepted that and done the changing. If it had only been me I probably would still be in the house with my husband. Yet when my oldest son was brought into it and when the Lord opened my eyes to how much I was allowing to happen and damage him I knew enough was enough.

I do pray for my husband; daily, hourly. Anytime he comes to mind; I pray. Anytime something reminds me of him; I pray.

Our marriage is a lot better than it was in 1997 thru June of 2004 (which by the way is when I picked up the book The Power of a Praying Wife; which is what truly brought me to Christ in the first place). Yet it is not healthy and I do believe the Lord can change our marriage; with a willing heart from my husband as well. It does not mean though that I need to sit back and take the abuse and let my children be abused.

Thank you for your comments and God bless.

It is Late....

I am working on my list of primary concerns. As I put them all down they seem endless. How long have we stuffed all these things. How have I allowed the stuffing to go on for so long? I have allowed our marriage to get to this state.

I have allowed him to say things are not an issues and then I throw a fit and drop it. I have allowed him to walk all over me and my feelings and tell me how I feel and what I am thinking and why I am doing thing. I have added to all these problems we have.

We have almost been together now for 9 years and I was always so afraid he would leave me. I was always so afraid someone would find out how bad it was but not believe me or blame me. I used to always live in fear.

Then something in me snapped. It truly took me snapping three or four times before I really broke though. Something in me told me non of this was okay.

The excuses, the faking, the level of commitment, the communication, the abuse, the lack of boundaries, the lack of respect, the lying, the past, the way the boys are treated and so on.

The Lord showed me I was wrong to live in fear of Todd and I knew I was in sin. I knew I had to stop it. I tried by asking for him to go get help with me. He refused and so I took the next step. I left the house with the boys.

Did I want to do that? No not really but I had no idea what else to do anymore. He threw a remote at me (the closet) and left a bruise. He pushed Kyle to the ground (he tripped over his feet). He refused to talk to me about what I felt were valid issues.

I feel as if I am asking for to much. Is it to much to want a marriage like the Lord designed it to be? I know we are all individuals. I know we are all different. I know we all have to make compromises. So am I asking or hoping for too much?I believe my marriage can make it.

I believe the Lord can raise it from where it is. I am struggling with my attitude though right now. So I am asking; if you are reading this and if you are praying - pray for me to have the ability to love my husband through all of this because right now I am struggling with all of that.

Please, Please, Please - PRAY

I think I am under attack from Satan right now.

I had to go and get Kyle from school again today. No big deal; I was furious about it BUT I had found someone who would sit with him while I was at the interview.

On the way to pick up Kyle I get a phone call from them:

"We just wanted to let you know that Tom filled the job this weekend so you won't need to come in for that interview"

Once again - cut off before even getting a chance.

Please pray. I am feeling very defeated right now.

Relationships...

I heard this on the radio today and a while ago. I remember writing it down back then as well....

"In friendship and marriage it is not about finding the right person it is about being the right person"

I don't know about you but it makes me think. I know there are so many things I could have done better in our marriage and our home and yet I still do not think it would have been enough.

If you both are not striving to be the right person. If you both don't have your goals in focus (not saying the have to be the same but your primary goal should be to put the Lord first). If you both don't want to achieve the same goals in life and within your marriage. Does one person being the right person matter then?

I know it maters in the end but does it change the person you are with?

He says he has been trying to make our marriage work for 8 years. How has he been trying? I really have been trying to "see" our relationship from his point of view. I have been trying to place myself in his shoes but I am not doing very well because I see the changes I have made whereas he does not.

I know I have made mistakes before. I know I make mistakes now. Yet there are just things I can't live with. Should I be expected to live like this forever?

I want my marriage to work but right now I am beginning to think my expectations are way to high. Do I settle for what he is willing to give me or do I only settle for what I know we should have?

So again does it matters if only one is the right person?

"In friendship and marriage it is not about finding the right person it is about being the right person"

Will it Ever Stop?

Sunday at church is when Adam was dropped back off. The day was fine but I noticed he was a bit more teary than normal. I was prepared to deal with this though since he has spent the weekend with Todd.

Last night though he just could not stop crying. So I asked him what was wrong and I got an ear full...

"Dad said he wants to spend so much more time with me but you refuse to let me be there during the week. He told me if I told you this you would be really mad at me and then he would be mad at me. Please don't tell him I told you mom." and it went on from there.

I also heard things like, "Dad and grandma Powers cleaned the house and threw yours and Kyle's things away."

There really was more but I think you get the hint of how the weekend went.

He accuses me of using Adam and then does that to him? What the heck is going on in his mind? Was he even thinking?

I didn't even both with calling him. I figure this will be brought up in therapy. I am just appalled at what was said to Adam. I am feeling so bad for him right now.

I right now am so frustrated it isn't even funny. I was going to do my best to keep Adam in the same school and discuss the option of him going with Todd every other week/weekend in therapy but right now I am not so sure I even care to do that.

Adam had promises of movies and game rentals and playing as long as he likes (he is allotted 30 minutes a day; which it has always been) and going places like mini-golf and bowling and out to dinner with his dad. Of course all these things I can't afford to give to the boys.

This weekend they went to a movie, went bowling, went to rent a game and Adam played all day long and went out to eat a few times. He got to see Grandma and Grandpa Powers because they came down to help around the house (you know how bad I want to make him sell that house right now).

I guess I just could not believe he said those things but where did they come from? I mean I never even spoke to anyone when the boys were here about what Todd wanted and what Todd was saying about Kyle and Adam. I see this turning into a very ugly mess right now. I believe the Lord can raise our marriage up from the depths but it will take three of us: God, Todd and myself.

I dealt with an ugly mess before with Keith and it still gets ugly at times. How do I find these people who think they can control the world? How do I end up with all these people in my life? I want a God driven life here.

I want God to be the center of my life and I want all things I do to be giving glory to God.

I do not feel as if my life is doing that at this moment.

I am just hurting right now. You know how many things I wanted to do to that house and he would not allow it because, "We are not going to live here this long so what is the point of wasting money on doing things to improve it."

I wanted to paint the kitchen and dinning room and family room and change the storage room around. Nothing that costs a ton of money; just time consuming. I wanted to get things to organize and I was told it was a waste.

I feel as if this is all my fault and now his parents are running to his rescue as they always do. They have so much guilt over sending him away when he was a teen.

His mom could not believe Todd would hit anyone and she was certain it was all a mistake. Lets think about this - he was arrested in Arizona on assault charges and me saying he was throwing things at me to hurt me is a mistake? You could not control him or his anger so you sent him away as a teen and the fact he threw something at me to hurt me is a mistake?

I am flabbergasted right now. My biggest fear is the fact that he is going to sit in the office and lie and I am going to look like a terrible person.

I know there are always two sides to every story but at least I am admitting to things I am not proud of saying or doing. He finds excuses for what went on, blames me and so on.

Lord help us when we are in therapy. Place the right therapist in our lives so we can break through whatever is going on.

New Day...

Well got a call today about another interview. It will be on Monday at 1:30 so please pray. It is a bookkeeping/clerical position. It is a part time position for a flower shop.

Last night I got a bit frustrated but it is okay. We will address it all in therapy. My dad called and let me know that he stopped at the house to see if he could get Kyle's hunting safety sheet. Todd informed my dad that him and his mom cleaned the house and they did not keep anything. They did not sort through anything - they just threw everything out.

I really wanted to call him up and lash out but that is not what I did. I did nothing instead. I just let it all sink in.

The more and more I hear the more and more I think he is doing the therapy just so it looks like he is trying. The more and more I think he doesn't expect us to be coming back home.

Lindsey asked me yesterday if I want my marriage to work and I do but right now I a really frustrated. I am getting phone calls from people letting me know they have seen signs for a garage sale. Now Todd tells my dad they just threw everything away.

I am guarantee you he didn't just throw his things or Adam's things away.

Adam is there this weekend. On the way when I told him he was going to spend the weekend there I listened to Adam say, "Why isn't Kyle going?" of course I tried to change the subject because how do you tell a 7 year old it is because his dad doesn't want him there. Then I hear, "I think Dad hates Kyle because Kyle never gets to do cool things with us like I do." From the mouths of babes.... Sad because if the 7 year old gets it so does the 13 year old.

Lord please help me have the right heart when we go into therapy on Thursday. Right now I do not have the feelings. I am very angry and bitter and I do not want that to be showing while we are working things out. If my heart is not in the right place - I know everyone will see it. Help me to get right with You and right inside. In Your name - Amen....

Not so Happy 6th Anniversary...

It has been a few days since I have posted. So much has gone on and I have no idea what I even wrote last to be honest.

A few days ago my car started having problems. I could not get the keyless entry to work. Ended up having to take my brothers truck to get Adam to school. Then I call Saturn to get my car in there so they can get it fixed. The guy helped me get the car open so I could come in. Then all of a sudden the keyless entry started to work but my Service Engine Soon light came on then. So I took it in anyway to have it checked out. Ended up costing me a small fortune and since I am not working it worries me a bit.

Then the following day I had an interview. Well the interview didn't happen. I think it was a God thing because Kyle started to have some issues. No one was able to get a hold of me so they called my dad and then my brother. My brother took Kyle to the ER. His arms were shaking uncontrollably. Well I was supposed to interview at 1 and it didn't happen. Was told thanks but I hired the first person I interviewed but I will keep the other two of you in mind if she doesn't work out. So I headed to the ER. By the time I got there they had found he was normal. They did some blood work and sent us home after 3.

Lisa had gone to pick up Adam for me. So we headed to her house to get him and then also allow me to teach Lisa how to make meatloaf. It turned out so good she said.

Well just after 5 he started to shake again. Called the doctor and was told to take him back to the ER. They did a CT Scan and found he had no bleeding. We left around 9:30 I believe. Was sent home with a script for him for pain and sleep.

They think it is stress manifesting itself subconsciously into physical symptoms. Talk about a thing to induce guilt for me.

So a year ago - I started to blog on finding-my-life. A year ago I was not really celebrating our 5th anniversary and today I am not celebrating our 6th anniversary. I have been trying not to focus on it but it is kind of hard not to.

Adam is going with Todd this weekend. Although you can see that from the letters posted.

I am feeling as if I might as well just give up now. It isn't right and I want to believe that the Lord is going to save our marriage. Yet Todd doesn't seem to want to. I mean he is going to therapy but it took me paying for 1/2 of it in order to get him there. He didn't bother seeing if he could find someone. He still thinks it is a game. I am frustrated because he is placing words in my mouth.

You know maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should not feel like this. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should have just stayed but the truth is with each little thing I see how right I was to leave.

Not wanting Kyle. Not willing to sign a paper. Not willing to pay for therapy. Not really offering anything.

I am really struggling today.

First Set of letters about Visitation

Todd,

I can not give you a yes or no answer. I have been saying the same thing and to you it is not an acceptable answer. I do not feel I can talk to you about anything right now because even in emails you are not hearing/reading/accepting what I am saying.

I do not want to keep Adam away from you but I do believe he needs to have consistancy during his school week. Would it be possible for you to just take him for the weekend right now and then when we start therapy we will talk about it with the therapist.

You keep on saying I am not putting Adam's well being in place here and that is what I am doing. I am afriad it would be way to confusing and overwhelming for him to be at a different home during the school week.

Please let me know what you think.
Amy
---------------------------------------------------
Amy,

I appreciate your willingness to discuss this. I’m sorry if you don’t think I am listening to you. I assure you that I am. I guess I’m just confused... I don’t see how alternating locations each week would cause much confusion. As long as it is structured and doesn’t change, he will deal with it just fine.

If you are concerned about rules with schoolwork, vs. playing, vs. whatever, I don’t have any problem implementing the same rules that you are using so he does not have to remember who’s rules apply where. As for schedules, I will try to keep him on the same schedule that you do, so that is consistent as well. Bedtime will of course be correlated to whatever you are using, and meal time will be as close as we can make it.

All of his school related things that he needs to work on typically stay in his backpack, so he would have all of his stuff that he needed. As long as we both made sure that school related items stayed in his backpack, we wouldn’t run into any issues with him leaving something one place and needing it at the other.

All I am asking for is equal time with him. I thought my proposal was well thought out, fair to both of us, and made sense. One week at a time, making the switch on Friday after school, so he has the whole weekend to get adjusted (if required at all), and then to School on Monday, through Friday. I figured making the switch on Friday, would give him something to look forward to for each upcoming weekend and would help get him through the week. I made sure to suggest that he was with you during the weekends that Kyle is there so he has maximum time with his brother. All in all, I thought it was a very well thought out proposal. I understand your concerns, but I don’t think that switching places will be as big of an adjustment problem as you perceive. Doing it on Friday will make sure that any adjustment will be the furthest from the next school day. Please give this serious consideration Amy.

Thank you.

Second Set of letters about Visitation

Todd,

You can have Adam this weekend. I am going to have to ask that you sign a sheet of paper stating you will have him back on Sunday the 17th by 7 P.M.We can discuss the rest of it during our therapy.

Please let me know if you are willing to accept this...
Amy
-------------------------------------
Amy,

I would love to have some time with him. However, I’m not going to start signing any papers or anything of the sort. If you can have him ride the bus home from school on Friday, I will make sure to be home. I will bring him to church on Sunday and you can pick him up from there.

As for the yes/no answer that I asked for, I will consider this a “no”.
--------------------------------------
Todd,

Due to current circumstances, he is not able to ride the bus. I will drop him off at 3:45pm in front of the house. The new church season has started and he will need to be there at 9:45am and I will be waiting at the back door.
Love,
Amy
------------------------------------
“current circumstances”??? What the heck is that supposed to mean? You’re just making crap up now...

There is absolutely no reason why he can not ride the bus. I was only thinking of Adam and how riding the bus home would probably make him feel a little more grown up and independent. But of course you would never see things from HIS perspective.

Whatever the case, if you want to drop him off yourself, that is your choice, but don’t expect me to meet you at the curb.

Church

Had our church picnic today.

Talked to Melanie who long ago had Todd arrested for assaulting her while they lived together in Arizona. She said maybe people will believe I didn't cause it now. Well she said a lot and that wasn't the other thing but it stuck with me because for so long I have believed I caused him to do these things.

I believed I made him keep money from me. I made him think of himself and only himself. I made him yell at me. I made him throw things at me. I made him do these things because I pushed his buttons.

Yet a while ago a light went on and I realized I didn't make him do these things to me. He always wants Kyle to take responsibility for his actions when he gets angry and yet Todd always blames others.

You know I have seen more and more lately that you see and can pick out things in others you really dislike about yourself. You hate people who do the things you do that you hate about yourself.

Today is a day from God (isn't every day though)...

What a day...

I was told by a friend today that she is proud of me. She said, "Amy you have put up with this stuff for a real long time. I am sorry you are going through all of this but I am proud of you for leaving." She was in my life for a long time and was one of the few who really knew what was going on. We had some issues last year because I was honest with a man in her life. He asked me a question and I didn't lie for her with the answer. She wrote me a note and I responded but I never heard back from her. Then a few months later she sent me a card and I sent her an email. We saw each other at the races and we have kind of talk off and on since then...

It was nice to hear from someone who knows. Who has seen and heard and I did not feel as if I am making this stuff up in my head.

I feel like that a lot of the time. Like I am just imagining these things. Or that they really are not as bad as I feel they are. Is that a normal thing?

We have our first therapist session on the 21st. I am excited about it but nervous as well. We were in therapy before and our therapist dumped us (so to speak). We were getting no where other than him feeling it was all my fault. He would talk about nothing in his life or how he felt he was contributing to our issues.

I keep on praying that this time will be different. I keep on praying that we will make progress and get somewhere. I keep on praying that this therapist is good, believes in the Bible and what it says, can teach us how to set boundaries that are good and that he can teach us how to communicate effectively.

I am supposed to make a list of things I feel are issues and I keep on praying about it but so far I have zip, zero, zilch. I mean that isn't totally true. I think about things and I am like - yes that is an issue but then I talk myself out of it being an issue. I need to stop that.

I am coming to my deadline. I am actually pissed off right now. He is trying to intimidate me into make a decision and I already gave him an answer - I asked him to wait on any decisions until we are in therapy. Why isn't that an answer? Am I wrong? What is he going to do if I don't answer him? What type of options do I have? I am still praying on it and I think Adam going with Todd would be a good thing - Adam needs his dad. I am just struggling with the week part of it. Adam is really a child who needs consistency (I know most do but him a little more). It is just frustrating me. I just keep on feeling - weekends; okay - weekdays; not okay.

I am trying to sort through if it is my own emotions or if it is really what is right/wrong. Why can't he respect me enough to just honor what I am asking about the therapist? So what I really want to ask is if he will just take him for the weekend until we get to the therapist because I do not feel it is right for Adam but Todd won't hear it so we need a neutral party on this. I am not sure what his response will be but I can't imagine it would be good.

I went to legal aid today. I had set the appointment up long ago. Not looking to file a divorce but get legal counsel. They don't take cases that are just for "separate maintenance" (legal separation) but if it comes to a divorce I would have to wait for another 3 weeks to be seen. So they said come down, fill out the paper work, talk to the lawyer and get a file number. Then if he files you are set. So I did it. What they told me today was pretty much what the legal secretary on the phone told me. So I did not hear anything new from them today; other than to call if he files.

Okay so I wrote him a letter:

Todd,

I can not give you a yes or no answer. I have been saying the same thing and to you it is not an acceptable answer. I do not feel I can talk to you about anything right now because even in emails you are not hearing/reading/accepting what I am saying.

I do not want to keep Adam away from you but I do believe he needs to have consistency during his school week. Would it be possible for you to just take him for the weekend right now and then when we start therapy we will talk about it with the therapist.

You keep on saying I am not putting Adam's well being in place here and that is what I am doing. I am afraid it would be way to confusing and overwhelming for him to be at a different home during the school week.

Please let me know what you think.
Amy

Please pray for our family. I am in such a struggle right now. I truly would not be in this stop if he would have just gone to therapy. We would still be at home. We would all be there. I do not know why the Lord placed these options before me but He did and I did it. Please pray.

I Want To Scream...

I keep on reading and re-reading all the letters and I want to scream....

So maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just need to give in. Maybe I just need to go file for divorce and say screw this.

I am frustrated right now.

I could end it all (or I would like to think so) by just asking for a paternity test for Adam but I won't.

I do not think me asking for us to wait to make this decision until we are in therapy is such a huge request.

My biggest concern is FOR the boys! Can you imagine how Kyle is going to feel? He is a 13 year old boy who is once again being rejected by the dad he has grown up knowing since he was 4.5 years old!

Adam does not deal with change well. How is he going to handle school and homework if he is being moved back and forth and things are done different in each home?I really just want it to all be over.

I really right now just want to say screw therapy and file for divorce.

Of course that isn't what I really want but each time I read these letters - I just want to cry and give in to make it all go away.

One Set of Letters

Dear Todd,

I listened to your voice-mail like I said I would and now I am going to respond to it like I said I would.

I want this marriage to work. I have not always been good at showing that and I am sorry for that. Although I have been working on changing me and my behaviors and reactions for over two in a half years now. I would hope that you have seen that as a willingness to make our marriage work. In order for it to work we need to created a partnership in which God is the primary focus for us. Right now I do not feel that we as a couple have that.

We do have things we need to work out and I am aware of that. Yet at the same time I have realized I have never had boundaries with anyone. So right now I am working on establishing those. I walked out of the restaurant yesterday because you kept on crossing some that I have created. It was not fair of me to not warn you of that fact and for that I am sorry but I am not sorry for walking out.

You said you were sorry if your opinion was hurting me. It was not an opinion you presented to me yesterday or this past Thursday when we met. It was presented as a fact. Your opinion would go more like, "Amy I feel as if you are playing games because of an issue you did not get your way on. It is something I have seen from you in the past and I still expect it today but that is just how I feel." An opinion is not telling someone they are wrong and replacing what they are saying. I told you four to five times yesterday that this is not a game and you would cut me off and tell me it was a game I started and I needed to finish. You would state that I didn't get my way and now I am throwing a fit to get my way. Those are not opinions because Todd that is not how I feel about this issue.

For me; from my point of view - this is not a game. We are on the verge of not being married anymore and that is not a game in my book. This is not about me not getting my way this is about our marriage and needing to repair a broken relationship.

If you are serious about wanting to work through our issues then from now on we need to do it with a third party present (preferable a Christian Therapist). I do not feel as if I am being heard at these lunches we are having and that makes me feel very frustrated. You are crossing boundaries I am trying to establish between me and others; and that includes you. We both have things we need to say and work through and I am willing to do that but only with someone else present. I am willing to pay for 1/2 of our sessions if you are. I went against what I had wanted to do in the first place to try and compromise (which was therapy with you) but that compromise is not working well for me. I have tried - twice and now I think we need to take a different approach to this.

I love you and I want this marriage to work. We have things we need to work on and I am willing but only with a third party at this point. If that is not acceptable to you please let me know.

Love,
Amy
-------------------------
Hi Amy,I want this marriage to work too. God knows, I have been trying to make “us” work for the past 8 years. It has been a very long and tiring road and you have to pardon me, but I’ve grown fairly weary after 8 years of conflict.

I did not meet you for lunch to discuss any of our issues or debate our positions on any of them. I did not wish to work on ANYTHING over lunch. I simply met with you to try and keep some sort of dialog going between us and determine what we need to do to start moving forward. Somehow that whole point got missed and we ended up debating with each other. Like you indicated, we should save those discussions for a time when we have a third-party present.

Regardless, that did not give you the right to simply get up and walk out on me without so much as telling me that you were leaving. You placed your order already and the restaurant had started to make it. They had to throw it away. I felt terrible for cancelling our orders and apologized multiple times to the waitress.

I am sorry that you felt I was stating anything as a fact. From my perspective it is a fact, so that must have come across in the way that I spoke to you. From your perspective it may not be a fact and I fully acknowledge that. We don’t have to debate that. We just have to agree that we don’t agree with each other.

After two attempts to meet with you and put a plan of action together, I am no longer convinced that anything can be achieved over lunch.

I would be willing to pay half the cost for counseling, as long as it is within reason. It might take a couple of interviews or initial sessions to find someone that we are both comfortable with. So we should probably get started as soon as possible. To be fair to both of us, we should probably find someone who does not have any prior knowledge of our issues and meet with them for the first time together. That way neither of us feels like the other person has tried to “stack the deck” in their favor.

If you have an idea of where to start, please let me know and I will find time in my schedule to meet.
-----------------------
Todd,

The first thing that has to be done is a call needs to be made to the insurance company to find out if they cover it and who they suggest we go to. They probably won't pay for any of it but we still need to let them know in case whomever we end up with tries to bill the insurance company.

If you would like me to take care of that please let me know and I will make the call on Monday morning.

As for what you wrote about it being a fact from your perspective - on your voicemail you said you were sorry your opinion hurt me and now you are calling it a fact. Either way; telling someone why they did something, how they feel and what they think is not appropriate and it is crossing boundaries I am setting for myself. I am asking you not to do it anymore or I will walk away again.

I am also going to ask that we hold off on the Adam/Kyle decision until after we find someone we both agree upon. I do not feel comfortable making any major decisions until we are speaking and can communicate. I am sorry if this makes you mad or upset but it is what I am asking.

Again please let me know if you want to schedule this or if you would like me to. I am asking that it be a Christian therapist who uses a Biblical basis for therapy. I also want to let you know I do not have a problem with it being someone who neither of us knows or has spoken to.

Love,
Amy
---------------------------------
Amy,

So basically, what you are saying is that you are not going to let me have equal time with Adam.

Is that correct?

-----------------------
Amy,

In regard to therapy, feel free to call the insurance company on Monday and find out whatever information you can. Please let me know what you find out.

When you are talking to them and they are suggesting therapists, indicate to them that we would like to find someone on the North side of town, as I do not want to be driving long distances in rush-hour traffic. Perhaps you should ask for a couple of references, so we don’t have to keep calling them back if things don’t work out and we need to move on. If we have a list of options, we can handle that ourselves.
-----------------------

Another Set of Letters...

Amy,

Based on the way that Adam cuddled up with me at the game today, I’m pretty sure that was mostly because he missed me. I don’t think his leg really hurt too bad for him to go back out and play. I’m pretty sure he just wanted to use that chance to get time to sit on my lap and cuddle with me because he has been missing talking with me. That is one thing that he and I have always had. I have worked very hard to make sure he feels like he can talk to me and confide in me. I’m quite sure that he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am not around for him to talk to.

I could tell when we parted ways after the game, that part of him wanted to stay and talk more with me. I could tell, he has so many things that he wants to talk to me about and it breaks my heart to see him struggling with the fact that he has not been able to talk to me for a while.

I can’t imagine all of the emotions that he is trying to deal with right now. My heart aches just thinking about it.

No matter what happens between us, I want to make sure that we are not using the kids as “pawns” to gain an advantage in a dispute. That is why I have not made any request or attempt to get Adam back in the house. I also made sure not to bring up the subject with him today, other than telling him that I miss him very much. I do not want him to think that he has to make a choice between you and I. That would be a terrible choice for any child, let alone a 7 year old, let alone Adam who has one of the biggest hearts of most kids I know.

I would like to have some time to spend with Adam, so he knows that I am definitely still part of his life and that I am here for him, no matter what. Since this seems to be dragging out into a lengthy situation, I do not think it is good for his emotions to be kept away from me or the only home he has ever known, for this long. I want him to know that his home is still here, that he is loved, and that there is some certainty in his future.

Initially, I was just going to ask if he and I could go out to a movie and perhaps sit around and play games at the house. However, the more that I think about it, I’m wondering if it would be alright if we traded off every other week. He could stay here for the weekend and the following week, then stay with you for the next weekend and the following week. That would give him time with both of us, until we get things worked out.

I think if we started the cycle on a Friday night, that would give him something to look forward to at the end of the week. I also think that if he is with you on the weekends that you have Kyle, that will make sure that he has the most time to spend with his brother.

I’m not sure if Kyle is with you this weekend or with Keith. If he is with Keith this weekend, then I don’t really want to wait two more weeks to get time with Adam. I think it has been too long for him already and that he is having a very hard time trying to reconcile his emotions. So if Kyle is with Keith this weekend, please take some time to think this over and get back to me right away. Otherwise, if Kyle is with you this weekend, let’s try to come to a decision on this before Friday.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope that you and I can work out an arrangement that will be the best thing for Adam.

Love,
Todd
-----------------------
Todd,

At this point in time you have not responded to my email. I need to hear from you regarding the email I sent. I need to know what your plans are for our marriage. Do you want to seek out therapy or not? At this point I can not discuss issues with you without having a therapist or Pastor present.

If you do then please let me know so that we can get into an appointment. I do not want to make any major decisions without a third party there.

I do not want to keep Adam or Kyle from you. I have offered for you to have time with them and you have turned me down each time. I also do not think it is fair to just take Adam and not Kyle; that is not sending a good message to Kyle.

Please let me know what your decision is regarding therapy so that we can get this started.

I am not using the children as pawns in this matter but our first priority should be working on us with a mediator/therapist. The kids do miss you Todd and so do I but our marriage and started to work it out needs to be the first priority right now.

Please let me know.

Love,
Amy
----------------------
Amy,

Last night, when I first read your emails, I was determined not to get into a debate with you, so I simply kept my reply short and to the point. However, I have taken some time to thoroughly think through how I should respond, so I am going to reply to you this morning. This letter is not intended to spark a debate of any kind. I am simply attempting to address the items you wrote about.

I do not feel that this is any type of “major” decision. This is about what is best for Adam. Surely, we can put our differences aside and come to a decision quickly, in Adam’s best interest, and not drag this out forever.I feel that putting the concerns about therapy and our marriage situation ahead of Adam’s emotional well-being is both selfish and irresponsible. Adam’s mental state is at the top of my priority list right now. The issues between you and I have been building up for over eight years and even with the best therapy available, will likely drag out for months, if not years. I do not feel it is fair to keep Adam away from his father and his home just because his parents are having issues communicating. He should not be used as a bargaining chip and based on the verbiage in your email, it is apparent to me that he is..

I have never received ANY offer, either in writing or verbally, for me to have time with either of the kids. The only offer I EVER received was to talk to them on the phone. That offer came at a time when I was headed out the door and was not going to be available to talk, so I had to decline.

As far as Kyle is concerned, I do not feel that it would be a good idea for him to spend time with me at this point. He and I have never gotten along and most times he dislikes me, if not hates me. He has no respect for his, or anyone else’s belongings, and I do not trust him to behave himself in this house. If he is in need of a father figure, he should contact hid Dad and start spending more time with him. I feel that would be far more healthy for him at this point than spending time with me.

In closing... I would like you to make a yes/no decision concerning my proposal for splitting Adam’s time evenly between you and I. As I said before, if this weekend is Keith’s weekend with Kyle, then I would like a decision before Monday, as I have already lost the chance to have him come over for the weekend. If Keith’s weekend is next weekend, I would like a decision by Friday morning.

Thank you
.-----------------------
Todd,

As I have stated in all the emails I will not make any decisions at this point in time without mediation. So once we are in therapy with someone else there; we can discuss it.

I understand you want to make the best decision for Adam but I personally do not feel moving him back and forth is in his best interest. So at this point in time I am again going to state that we will make a decision about it in therapy.

Amy
-----------------------
Amy,

This is not a decision that needs to be made in the presence of a therapist. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with US, and EVERYTHING to do with ADAM. Adam has already been kept away from me and his home for three (3) weeks. The longer that you keep him from me, the more damage is being done to his state of mind and his emotions.

Your words below indicate that you are keeping Adam away from me until we are in therapy. That indicates that he is being used as a bargaining chip. That is selfish and irresponsible.I have checked your calendar and found that next weekend is Kyle’s weekend with Keith. I expect a yes/no decision BEFORE Friday of this week.

Last Letter...

Todd,

I want you to know I have been praying about this issue. Over the last two years I always pray about something before making a decision. I always wait for God to answer and He always does at one point or another.

I want you to have time with the boys. I just am not sure having Adam go back and forth is the best decision. I think he needs consistency during his school week and if you are doing things one way and I do the another; that is going to confuse him and make this year hard on him.

I am still praying over the issues because I don't want you to think that I do not want you to see either of them. I want you in their lives but I am not sure what you suggested is the best solution either.Please know I am think about this and praying about this often.

Love,Amy

Choir Song...

Last night at choir a new song was introduced to us that they are going to sing this coming Sunday. It really touched a special spot in my heart....

Break Through
(Tommy Walker)
Verse:
Break through, break through all my doubts.
Break through, break through all my fears.
Break through
That I may worship You.
Break through, break through all my pain.
Break through, all my guilt and my shame.
Break through
Like only You can do.
Chorus:
You are brighter than my darkest night.
Stronger than my toughest fight.
Just one touch from You, my King, my Friend,
And I'll never be the same again.

Talk about an amazing song!

Todays Lunch

Not even sure what to say or feel right now. Today's lunch did not go well at all. As a matter of fact I walked out before we ever ate lunch.

He thinks it is a game. He thinks I am playing a game. I am just astounded that he still thinks it is a game.

He said things like - you started it now you need to finish it; you didn't get your way so you threw a fit and left and now want me to meet all your demands; I will go to work on us but it us all up to you; I won't go to our pastor who I see every day because they don't need to be in my business. It does go on but I left.

I love my husband and I am pretty sure that today by walking out on that lunch I just ended my marriage. It isn't a game - it is very real. I am about to lose my marriage because after nine years I decided I needed boundaries in it.

No one in real life but Lisa's understands. The rest of my family does not get it I don't think. Lindsey was a bit shocked; or sounded shocked when I told her I left.

This is not something I just decided to do. I really had hoped he would want this marriage. I really had hoped he would see we need help. I really had hoped he would see this is not a game.

I have been very hurt and sad and angry and hardened and teary today. I cried the whole way home. I cried most of the afternoon. I wish the tears would stop - I really wish they would stop.

Now I guess I just wait; wait for the divorce papers to be served to me. Or maybe I wait and hope he will see it isn't a game. Or maybe I just don't know.I am still praying that he sees this isn't a game.

I am still praying he sees I want him and no one else. I am still praying that God answers my prayers.

I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say today. I could not get it out after the whole game thing. I am still in shock that he thinks it is a game.

Please pray for him. He told me today he is pissed off. Pissed at my timing when his company is about to go under and he needs to be devoting all his time to it and he can't focus on it. Sorry but I didn't pick this time - God did. I just prayed and followed....

Please, please, please, please pray

Broken Relationships

Today a lot of things have dawned on me. When I became a Christian a couple of years ago I know that the Lord forgave me for all the sins I had committed in the past.

Over the past few days though it has really become apparent that most if not all of my relationships in the flesh are broken. They are broken because of the things I have done in the past prior to being a Christian.

Now because the Lord has forgiven me does not mean the damage I caused will go away. I have to ask for forgiveness and I should be forgiven but it does not mean it will repair the damage that I had caused.

I can not work on fixing more than one broken relationship at a time though. I just can not do it. It is very draining to be trying to fix something I damaged and because of that maybe I am causing more damage with the already broken relationships.

Today my husband called me. We will be meeting tomorrow so he knows what I plan on doing. I was really caught off guard with that. What I am planning on doing?! I thought I had made it clear in the letter what I needed to have happen. I guess I was wrong.

As I was reflecting it all dawned on me... If he isn't willing to get help with a therapist and pay for it then we are just to broken. I am willing to accept now that we might be to broken. I have felt like I have tried and tried and tried. I have asked us to get help many times. I have asked for forgiveness many times. I have apologized for my many fault and I have improved from time to time.

I am not the person I was 2.5 years ago. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing laundry. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing dishes. I am not the person who gets mad and looks for revenge. I am not the person who feels lost and alone all the time.

I have changed. I don't just speak without thinking now. I pray about almost all my decisions. I have a church family I love. I am different in what I find to be acceptable and unacceptable. Things like movies; I do not enjoy seeing sex scenes, I do not like nudity, I do not enjoy constant swearing, and I do not like seeing seductive/lack of clothing. Plus more things. What I expect in marriage is different. I really expect my marriage to be focused on God and what He wants for us. We need to pray together and honor the Lord.

I guess what it comes down to is tomorrow. If he isn't willing to work on this marriage and make it a priority then he needs to tell me it is over. He needs to tell me I am not worth it. I will understand; it isn't going to change the hurt that it will cause but I understand that I caused these consequences a LONG time ago and now I have to live with them.

Please pray for us tomorrow. Pray that the Spirit will be with us and please pray that we hear Him and what He wants for us.

Emotions and Confusion

So Todd called me last night. He wanted to know if I had dinner yet and if not if I wanted to go and we could talk about what we are going to do. At that point I had. I guess he is going to need to realize that if he wants us to meet he needs to get in touch me sooner than when he wants to go. I have to be able to arraign a babysitter for the boys. He told me he would call me later but I have not heard from him since.

Why is it that I feel like he just does not care. He says he cares but his actions speak 10,000 times louder than his words. They always have.

I feel as if I did not try hard enough but I know that isn't true.

Over the past two years I have really changed. Our marriage has really changed but just not enough I guess.

He told me he threw the remote at the closet. Well that is great but I was standing in front of the darn closet. What a hurtful thing to hear. He told me in the shower he threw it at me on purpose and now he is saying he just threw it into the closet but I just happened to be there.

Well we have two closets so why did he pick the one I was in front of? I know the answer to that but I do not think he can admit it.

I don't want this to end in a divorce. So I just sit and wait and wait and wait. How long do I need to wait though. I gave him some choices and he already did follow threw. He doesn't respond to ultimatums. Well that is nice because you don't respond to requests either.

I am very frustrated. I am very sad. I am starting to get angry. I don't want to be angry. He has not even asked to see the kids.

I asked him if he wanted to see the kids and he said no something about him not wanting to see them while he was eating (exact words escape me right now).

The boys start school tomorrow. Kyle will ride the bus and I will drive Adam. Lord protect my children.

Lord I want my marriage to work. Yet only You know where this life will lead me. I trust that You will take care of me, the boys and Todd. We love and honor You. We sing Your praises. We worship You. Lord help my family. In Your name - Amen.