1st Therapy Session Tonight...

I have created my list of concerns. It is not complete I know this but it was long. I am sure Todd will have one as well and then the therapist can go from there.

I have my copies of the letters I gave to Todd last year and this year. I also made copies of the letters he gave to me that I had with me here. I also made copies of the bill from he hotel for the movie he rented and what they said about the cost and packages.

He had told me that he rented the movie the night before he left (it was shown on Sunday) and then he told me after the hotel told me it was a porn movie that it was a package that he could watch any movie he wanted. I also have the fax from them stating they do not offer package deals at their hotel for movies.

I was not focused on things Todd did wrong. I focused on our relationship with the concerns. I think the first two are things I did wrong in our relationship actually. I was open and honest and did my best not to hold anything back.

I want this marriage to work and I have prayed about this list for a long time now. There are a few things that might make him feel defensive and that is okay because I am preparing my heart and mind now.

Please pray for us. The appointment is at 6:15 tonight.

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Primary concerns list:

Primary Concerns (from Amy’s Point of View; not in any particular order)

Of course all of this is from my point of view. I know this goes into much greater detail than you probably wanted to begin with but we have a very different/difficult past/present. I felt it was best to get most of the cards out on the table so we can start to deal with them as soon as possible.

1. I have bipolar disorder. Todd does not really believe in it but uses it as an excuse for his actions at times. I have been in Pine Rest twice (2001: mania & 2003: depression) but Todd says I used it as a hiatus and payback towards him. Yet this last fight over money he told me he was questioning my spending because he was afraid I went off my meds and he was afraid I was manic again. In the years we have been together he has never cared if I was on or not on my meds; he has always told me it is my issues and he doesn’t care to be involved.

2. My past actions. About six months into the relationship I slept with another man and got pregnant. When I was about two months pregnant I admitted it to Todd. Pregnancy was horrible with both sickness and the treatment from Todd towards me. I heard many times he was only sticking around until he knew whose child it was. We did stay together and did end up getting married in 2000 (Adam was born in 1999). We have never done a paternity test but we both feel as if Adam’s biological dad is the other man. After we got married I had an emotional/physical infidelity with another man in 2001; Todd is aware of this one as well.

3. We used to have sex 3 to 4 times a year. Todd always denied and rejected and pushed away. Told me over and over it was because he just wasn’t interested and it was not going to change. In November 2004 I asked him if he was using pornography and he said yes. I asked if it was before our marriage, during our marriage or both and he said both. I asked him to stop and he said he would. A few weeks later he left his computer unlocked (he always locks it even when he gets up to go to the bathroom) and I got on to check because he started again with the excuses (it has to happen naturally, you can’t plan it, etc.). I found sites he had been going to again in both the cookies and the history. I tried to address it that day and he blew up at me told me he said he would stop and he did and it wasn’t a big deal. Then he left to go and help his dad who had fallen. He came home and I tried to address it again and he yelled at me over it and how I feel he has a problem and it isn’t a problem. I asked him to put an accountability program on his computer and he refused saying he didn’t need to because it isn’t an issue. I was not allowed to talk about it, address how it made me feel or anything because he felt the issues was over. Then the following year we had more issues (he was in Baltimore for work and ordered porn movies each time; hotel confirmed it for me and he lied about it even after I had confirmation and yelled at me telling me if I trusted the hotel over him that was my issue because he knew the truth) and I gave him an ultimatum but it turned into him telling me I had to pay for ½ of the household bills and him giving me a bill if I was not going to pay for his food and prescriptions anymore. I gave him because he would not pay the bills and I dropped it.

4.When we have to be some place I do not feel as if Todd respects the time we need to be there. We arrive late to church, appointments, family get together, etc. When he is working that feels like it is the only thing that matters.

5. I feel we lack in skills to communicate. When there is something I would like to discuss I bring I up at bad times (when he is going to bed, trying to relax, etc.) most of the times. I feel as if there is never any time for us to really talk about what we need to discuss and when we do start talking about things I am told my points are invalid or we don’t need to discuss them or he won’t discuss them. Then I push and say mean things because I am angry that once again I was shut down from talking to him about things that are bothering me. So not only do I cross his boundaries when he says no, he does not allow me to voice my opinion and we never seem to get past that.

6. We have money issues. Very early in our relationship I would spend money uncontrollably. After we got married I spent our wedding money on junk. I did pay the money back to Todd though in 2003. We have a joint account that only my money goes into. Todd has a separate checking account that all of his money goes into. It is my responsibility to write out all the checks from the joint account (which I have to buy checks for), then send an email to Todd with the bills and their amounts and then collect a check from him to deposit into our joint account to pay our household bills. He pays these monthly: mortgage, gas, electric, trash, phone, water, cable, long distance, life insurance (for both), home owners insurance, and his medical bills. I am responsible for all our prescriptions, groceries, gifts/cards, my car insurance, my car repairs, my fuel, any medical bills for the boys and myself, the medical co-pays for appointments/emergencies, any miscellaneous things the boys needs (school/sports pictures, sports registration, school supplies/clothes, Christmas/birthday presents, etc.), all household items including the pool supplies in the summer months.

7. We do not make joint decisions on a regular basis; nor do we pray about what we are doing. He has said to me many times that it is his life and he is going to do what he wants to do before he dies. He has been saving $600 a month for a vacation with the boys to ski. Much more goes into this but Todd is sick and we do not know what is going on; no answers from any specialist yet and he wants to finish his to do list. I often feel as if he is a married man living a single life.

8. I have lied to Todd in the past about things I enjoy and don’t enjoy. He went on a trip to Colorado to go skiing for 10 days back in 2003 with friends. He was then offered to go on a trip to Austria to go skiing as well with part of the same set. I have never been interested in skiing but after realizing he was going on this trip with or without me; I decided to try it. I lied and told him I enjoyed it because I did not want him to go on the trip without me. It was my fault I lied to him but at that point I was desperate to be a part of his life and that meant if I had to lie to him to be able to be with him I would. I know Todd has lied to me in the past; the difference between my lies and his lies are I admit to them and he never does even if I have proof to show him he is lying to me.

9. I feel we have boundary issues. He does not respect what I say. He tells me I am not thinking, feeling, or doing things for the reasons I state – he tells me why I am thinking, feeling and doing those things. He does not hear when I correct him and let him know it is inaccurate and it always turns bad because either I stop talking to him and stuff it all (and then explode later) or I explode then trying to get him to understand.

10. I feel as if we both have an anger issue which then leads to other issues. When we try to communicate and it goes wrong; voices raise, I get upset and try to prevent him from leaving the room, he throws things at me, holds me down, yells in my face, I yell at him, we both call each other names.

11. I feel as if we have abuse issues; emotional, verbal and physical. Over the nine years we have been together Todd has put his hands around my throat (once), has thrown numerous things at me and then says he was throwing them at whatever was behind me, has held me down or up against a wall and yelled in my face. I have yelled at him and I have thrown things as well. The verbal and emotional are subtle. Makes me feel as if I don’t know what I am talking about or feeling or that I am crazy. Todd was arrested in Arizona on assault charges long ago as well. I have never been arrested on assault charges but Todd has called the police on me numerous times.

12. I feel as if he has to have control over all situations. He has to go to bed at 8 PM in order to get up in the middle of the night to work. So because he goes to bed we all have to go to bed. If I am on the phone past 8 or get a phone call past 8 he starts making comments, “Who in their right mind calls after 8? Who are you talking to? Can’t you get off the phone now?” and it goes on. If he can not reach me on my cell phone when he wants to speak to me he leaves me unkind messages like why do I even pay for you to have a phone. Yet if I can’t reach him he just says sorry you know the two-way doesn’t always work and our service isn’t that great.

13. I feel as if we have trust issues. He does not trust me because of my past behavior/lies and I do not trust him because of his past behavior/lies. We have never had a resolution to any of it. We were never allowed to talk about any of the things in our past because he said he would never be able to forgive me so he just needs to stuff the things so he can just live with me.

14. There is an issue with how the children are treated differently. Our oldest son is 13 and from a prior relationship I had. He has been in Kyle’s life since Kyle was 4.5 years old. Kyle gets attention from the negative things he does because when he does good things he does not get noticed. Adam is our 7 year old and he is praised and given a ton of attention. Adam is talking bad and thinks bad about Kyle because of what he sees and what he hears at home. Todd has been known to say do you want to be in trouble like Kyle for (fill in the blank). It is not fair to Kyle or Adam. I also find that I am yelling at the kids for things that they should not be in trouble for. I would rather have Todd yell at me for yelling at the kids than have him yelling at the kids. I am unable to carrying on a conversation with the boys when Todd is at home because he will just walk into the conversation and end it. He tells me I let the children manipulate and walk all over me when I talk to them and listen to them and their sides to the story. Also Kyle is ADHD, bipolar, anxiety, ODD and since Todd does not really believe in mental health issues he has not been willing to learn how to deal with these things.

15. The boys and I are not living at home right now. I packed them up and went to the shelter when there was an opening. Todd thinks this is a game. He thinks everything I do is because I am lonely and jealous of his work. The only way I could get him to see it was not a game was to leave and yet he still feels it is a game.