Broken Relationships

Today a lot of things have dawned on me. When I became a Christian a couple of years ago I know that the Lord forgave me for all the sins I had committed in the past.

Over the past few days though it has really become apparent that most if not all of my relationships in the flesh are broken. They are broken because of the things I have done in the past prior to being a Christian.

Now because the Lord has forgiven me does not mean the damage I caused will go away. I have to ask for forgiveness and I should be forgiven but it does not mean it will repair the damage that I had caused.

I can not work on fixing more than one broken relationship at a time though. I just can not do it. It is very draining to be trying to fix something I damaged and because of that maybe I am causing more damage with the already broken relationships.

Today my husband called me. We will be meeting tomorrow so he knows what I plan on doing. I was really caught off guard with that. What I am planning on doing?! I thought I had made it clear in the letter what I needed to have happen. I guess I was wrong.

As I was reflecting it all dawned on me... If he isn't willing to get help with a therapist and pay for it then we are just to broken. I am willing to accept now that we might be to broken. I have felt like I have tried and tried and tried. I have asked us to get help many times. I have asked for forgiveness many times. I have apologized for my many fault and I have improved from time to time.

I am not the person I was 2.5 years ago. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing laundry. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing dishes. I am not the person who gets mad and looks for revenge. I am not the person who feels lost and alone all the time.

I have changed. I don't just speak without thinking now. I pray about almost all my decisions. I have a church family I love. I am different in what I find to be acceptable and unacceptable. Things like movies; I do not enjoy seeing sex scenes, I do not like nudity, I do not enjoy constant swearing, and I do not like seeing seductive/lack of clothing. Plus more things. What I expect in marriage is different. I really expect my marriage to be focused on God and what He wants for us. We need to pray together and honor the Lord.

I guess what it comes down to is tomorrow. If he isn't willing to work on this marriage and make it a priority then he needs to tell me it is over. He needs to tell me I am not worth it. I will understand; it isn't going to change the hurt that it will cause but I understand that I caused these consequences a LONG time ago and now I have to live with them.

Please pray for us tomorrow. Pray that the Spirit will be with us and please pray that we hear Him and what He wants for us.