Will it Ever Stop?

Sunday at church is when Adam was dropped back off. The day was fine but I noticed he was a bit more teary than normal. I was prepared to deal with this though since he has spent the weekend with Todd.

Last night though he just could not stop crying. So I asked him what was wrong and I got an ear full...

"Dad said he wants to spend so much more time with me but you refuse to let me be there during the week. He told me if I told you this you would be really mad at me and then he would be mad at me. Please don't tell him I told you mom." and it went on from there.

I also heard things like, "Dad and grandma Powers cleaned the house and threw yours and Kyle's things away."

There really was more but I think you get the hint of how the weekend went.

He accuses me of using Adam and then does that to him? What the heck is going on in his mind? Was he even thinking?

I didn't even both with calling him. I figure this will be brought up in therapy. I am just appalled at what was said to Adam. I am feeling so bad for him right now.

I right now am so frustrated it isn't even funny. I was going to do my best to keep Adam in the same school and discuss the option of him going with Todd every other week/weekend in therapy but right now I am not so sure I even care to do that.

Adam had promises of movies and game rentals and playing as long as he likes (he is allotted 30 minutes a day; which it has always been) and going places like mini-golf and bowling and out to dinner with his dad. Of course all these things I can't afford to give to the boys.

This weekend they went to a movie, went bowling, went to rent a game and Adam played all day long and went out to eat a few times. He got to see Grandma and Grandpa Powers because they came down to help around the house (you know how bad I want to make him sell that house right now).

I guess I just could not believe he said those things but where did they come from? I mean I never even spoke to anyone when the boys were here about what Todd wanted and what Todd was saying about Kyle and Adam. I see this turning into a very ugly mess right now. I believe the Lord can raise our marriage up from the depths but it will take three of us: God, Todd and myself.

I dealt with an ugly mess before with Keith and it still gets ugly at times. How do I find these people who think they can control the world? How do I end up with all these people in my life? I want a God driven life here.

I want God to be the center of my life and I want all things I do to be giving glory to God.

I do not feel as if my life is doing that at this moment.

I am just hurting right now. You know how many things I wanted to do to that house and he would not allow it because, "We are not going to live here this long so what is the point of wasting money on doing things to improve it."

I wanted to paint the kitchen and dinning room and family room and change the storage room around. Nothing that costs a ton of money; just time consuming. I wanted to get things to organize and I was told it was a waste.

I feel as if this is all my fault and now his parents are running to his rescue as they always do. They have so much guilt over sending him away when he was a teen.

His mom could not believe Todd would hit anyone and she was certain it was all a mistake. Lets think about this - he was arrested in Arizona on assault charges and me saying he was throwing things at me to hurt me is a mistake? You could not control him or his anger so you sent him away as a teen and the fact he threw something at me to hurt me is a mistake?

I am flabbergasted right now. My biggest fear is the fact that he is going to sit in the office and lie and I am going to look like a terrible person.

I know there are always two sides to every story but at least I am admitting to things I am not proud of saying or doing. He finds excuses for what went on, blames me and so on.

Lord help us when we are in therapy. Place the right therapist in our lives so we can break through whatever is going on.