My boys....

So I have two boys. My oldest is 14 years old and my youngest is 8 years old. Neither of them have the same dad and the current child doesn't either.

My oldest son has been put through everything at a young age. When he was about 2.5 he went to live with my parents because of issues I had. I let him go and live there since I was not right. When he was around 5 he really started to be back in my life. He moved back in with me around 6. He has been with me since - well at least until current situations occurred. He has been living with my brother and sister-in-law since February.

Some of the things my child has had to deal with:
1. Being abandoned by me
2. Being abandoned by his birth father
3. Ignored by his step-father
4. Punishment all the time by his step-father and then me
5. Suspected sexual abuse - now being confirmed with suspicion of it happening coming from my brother and sister-in-law

This is just a mild description of what his life has been like. I didn't go into any details so it might not make sense.

My youngest son has had a totally different life. He has been given the world on a silver platter covered in gold. He has always been the star child. Never in trouble (well not by his dad at least). Always believed and never accused of lying. Anything he has wanted he has had to work for (for about a week until it was handed to him).

About a year and a half ago I was desperate to find a school for him to go to that could help him. I knew it was not good for him to be in our home but when I started to talk about it - my idea was shunned (so to speak). It was brought out about the things I was doing wrong, how I was adding to the problem, how I needed to change and so on. Don't get me wrong I knew I was adding to the problems but with how my marriage was already going I didn't know what else to do other than to just agree with my husband. I was a horrible mom. I never showed my oldest son love or affection. I never gave him the benefit of the doubt. I never fought for him because when I did I was the one who was punished. I let him hurt and want to die and never did a thing for him. So because it became obvious how bad I was and how I needed to change - I just dropped the whole thing about him going somewhere. I could not afford any place I was finding and I had no financial or emotional support.

My brother sent me an email today. Him and my sister-in-law can't have him there anymore. They want me to consider sending him to a school I had not looked at before. I know nothing about it - I read about it but it doesn't really give information about the year. Things like holidays or phone calls or visitation or when they are home - if ever. I just want my son to get well. I screwed him up, his life has been hard, no positive male role models who have loved and cared about him, now potential sexual abuse (actually I have confronted his dad about this a few times and it just blows up in my face because my son would not admit to it), and so much more.

How is it - here I am 32 years old. Have my first son at 18 years old - a child myself. Not ready for it and it showed. I screwed up in many ways and hurt him in many ways. Have my second son just before I turned 23. A completely different mom. Loved him and gave him affection. Here I am again pregnant and my first son probably hates me. I keep on having children when I don't know how to love him and treat him.

I have a lot of guilt about this stuff. He is probably going to feel unloved yet again. Sending him off to get better - yes we all see it; all us adults - but how could a 14 year old child see that? That is one of my worries now. Of course I just want him to get well - I don't want him to have the life I had - I want a happy, healthy, loving, non self-destructing boy.

God please help me because rigt now all I can do is cry.

One Day at a Time...

One day at a time. That is what I do. That is how I manage. In two days we will have been gone for 10 months. In ten months I do not feel as if I have gotten very far with my life.

We have an apartment. I am doing my best to provide for my boys. I have another baby on the way. I have filed for divorce and pretty much gotten no where with it. I have had to sell all my jewelry to survive. I have lost my job and struggled month to month since that time. I haven't been paying all my bills. My credit has gone from excellent to poor. I have been looking for jobs that I can do from home (found one and was approved but now other things are in the way - like lack of money for the things I need for it - but I am not giving up hope). I have aged about 5 years.

Yesterday was another breaking point for me. I spent a good portion of the day crying. It was a money stressing day for me.

This is how my month goes - I get my disability and I pay my rent, gas, electric, and car insurance. Then the rest of my bills are paid if I get anything from child support for the month. At this point the only child support I am getting is from my oldest sons dad and that is never a consistent thing.

I was fine and making it on my own - paying all my bills and doing just great until February when I got the DVT. Then between my oldest issues and me being gone from work and then being put on bed-rest for the DVT - I lost my job and lost my hope of making it on my own.

Now each month I wonder where money is going to come from. I used to share what I was going through - not for sympathy or anything like that but because keeping it inside was killing me. Now I just keep it all in because everyone tries to tell me how to resolve my current issue and I have already gone through all those things. I have tried all the help I can get and because of my disability I get - I make too much money. It is no wonder this country has as many financial problems as it does - what they expect people to live on is insane (a family of three can make no more than $473 a month - how does a family of ONE live on that?!). So instead of going through and explaining things over and over again - I just keep it all to myself.

My soon-to-be-ex is making things very hard for me. He has decided he is going to take me to court over child support (again). In his words yesterday (mind you I haven't gotten anything from him since being gone), "I have no problem paying child support for (youngest son) but you are NOT to use it for your bills. I have no problem paying as long as I get receipts for what you are spending my money on because your bills have nothing to do with (youngest son)." So not only do I not get paid while I was gone from August to February - I am still not getting paid because he keeps on finding ways to postpone paying.

Does life ever get easy? I just want one day without worry about money and how I am going to keep going...

Lay it on the Line...

As of tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant. It isn't my soon to be ex's. I am still married. The guy knows I am still married. I am going through a divorce though (not that it makes much different).

About three months ago I gave up on my marriage. I left almost 10 months ago now but I still kept the hope that he would see what had walked out the door. So yes three months ago - I truly gave up on my marriage. I didn't want it anymore. I wasn't willing to try anymore. I was tired of being the one to do it all. So I gave up.

About three months ago my grandpa also died. I sat in my parents living room watching him and my grandma and seeing the love they have for each other. Wow was that amazing to see. He isn't a full fledged romantic but deep down he was. The letters he used to write to his mom when the two of them were courting blow your mind away. He really was in love. Through the years he would do little things for her just to say I love you. I remember one Valentines day - he gave her a box of Cracker Jacks (If you do not know what cracker jacks are - it is kind of like crunch 'n munch but in a small box with a prize at the bottom of it). What he put into this box was sweet - he had bought her a gold ring - worked with whomever to get the gold ring in the little prize package - in the box. He put it on the table Valentines day morning and said to her, "Happy Valentines Day Lois." She didn't bother opening it and when he came in for lunch it was still sitting on the table so he told her she needed to eat it for lunch. She did and got to the bottom of the box and was feeling the package and she goes, "Skip did you get me a condom? We don't need those anymore." He just laughed and she opened it and saw the ring. Mind you there were probably in their mid-60's at this point. He just loved her so much. The pain in my grandma's eyes watching my grandpa fade off - was very heart wrenching. Yet knowing she loved him so much and had all those years.

I gave up thinking I would ever be as lucky as those who truly find love and have that at the end of their life. I gave up on my marriage. I slept with a man and got pregnant.

Looking in the Mirror...

I do not enjoy looking in the mirror. It isn't so much what I see but what I hear. Of course I don't have to look in the mirror to hear these things but standing in front of the mirror really does bring it out.

Some of those things I hear are:

*It is no wonder I don't want sex with you have you seen how fat and ugly you are.
*If you leave me no one is every going to put up with you and your insanity.
*You can stop talking now because what you are saying is invalid.
*No one will ever love you if you leave because you want so much.
*You are never satisfied; I spend a full day with you and you want more. You are like a sponge who never fills up.
*You will never amount to anything if you leave me because you can't make it on your own.
*You can't figure anything out on your own.

That is just a fraction of what goes on when I look at myself or start to allow myself to really think.

Every time I think I am getting beyond it something brings it up again. Usually emails from my ex because I am not allowing him to have his way. Then to stop all of it I just give in and give up.

I lose my self-esteem a long time ago. It was well beyond the past 10 years of listening to him. He just added to it and made sure it wasn't coming back.

The past does not have to dictate the future but you need to now how to move through the mine-field to get beyond the debris it left behind.

Craziness

I have a few blogs around here but none of them have been updated in a long time now. I decided to start a new one because I am not sure I want to be found. If someone finds me whom I know it will be okay but I am not out looking for it.

I left my husband on August 24, 2006. It was a rainy night actually. He left to go and play golf and it was only sprinkling at that point. My girlfriend came over and helped me get a few things out of the house - put the kids in the car as it started to pour - and we left for a women's shelter.

Since that time a lot of things have gone on that I am sure I will get to talking about sooner or later. Yet since the point I left my life has been full of craziness.

I have realize what kind of person I was and who I am becoming. I have seen where I went wrong with my children. I have seen where I have gone wrong in general.

My husband was and is a manipulator. He uses our youngest son to make me feel bad. He uses him to make my mind twist and turn and I lose track of what sanity I have. We left over 9 months ago and he still was able to control me.

When I left him I believed in God and I still do but not like I did. I have lost faith in many ways. It isn't His fault though - He never faltered or stepped away - it was I who did that. But still I question how He could allow things like this to happen to people. God has always allowed bad things to happen to people but those who have so much faith still believe in Him. So does that mean I am not one of those people?

I have been trying to sort through all of the things that go on and it isn't easy. When I look in the mirror all I hear are those things he said to me. I struggle daily with the things inside my head. I am sure I will never be normal in that aspect - I work on it and replacing what I hear and see but I am not sure it will ever be gone.

So for those of you who stumble across this - welcome. This is pretty much just going to be a dissection of my life as I know it - the craziness in my world - and where (if ever) will I find my home...