Where is my Voice?

How do you find your voice when you are scared of someone? Even after being gone for all this time (20 months).

He called this morning and instantly I started to shake and get sick to my stomach.

We are supposed to be having parenting time coordination this week and he will get what he wants because I am so afraid of the repercussions of speaking out.

I have given in on everything. Maybe I haven't really - maybe that is just my perception of the way it has been. I really don't know anymore.

When I look back though - I have given in. I am just hurting inside because of the stress all of this has caused in my life.

I have rosacea. I hate being in public because of how I look. It gets worse anytime I have to deal with him. Anytime I get stressed over this. I don't want to do anything because of how I look. I make plans and then look at myself and cancel them.

When I look back - maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe what I felt was abuse really isn't abuse. This part of it is bad - and it is killing me slowly inside.

Relay for Life/Laps for Life

Each year Rockford holds a Relay for Life. Every year so far Meadow Ridge has participated in it. They do their best to get all of their students involved with their teachers.

This year though the 3rd grade teachers are taking a slot that is during the night. So they are holding a "Laps for Life" for their class.

Tomorrow the kids will be walking around the soccer field for a hour. They are doing their laps for the Relay to earn money to help find a cure.

As some of you may know my Dad was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. Because of this Adam really wants to help.

If anyone would like to pledge per lap please let me know. We have to turn the funds in by May 2nd.

Adam believes he will be able to do about 15 to 20 laps in the hour they are given!

Please let me know. Even if you decide to pledge after it is over but it is before the 1st of May - he would be happy he did his part.

Thanks everyone!
Amy and Adam

Long Time No Posting....

I have not posted here in a long while now. So long that a lot has gone on but today I was brought here by yesterdays events....

They boys are now in therapy. Well Kyle has been for a while but Adam this is new for him. He seems to do well with it. We have had two sessions and his first one he was a bit apprehensive. Last night though he did well and opened up and talked to him.

Our lives before were kind of a living hell. Not for Adam - he had the perfect life. Mom loved him. Dad loved him. Brother hated him. Okay maybe not so perfect but his life was not like Kyle and mine was.

Adam is scared to be alone with his brother. I am going to rearrange my house this weekend. Isabella is going to somehow be in my room. Adam is going into Isabella's room and Kyle is staying put.

Kyle is a big bully who is great at mental/emotional abuse. He hates his brother - has found a weakness and just needles away at him.

I laid in bed last night just crying. Adam said some things to Tom that scared me. Scared me because it is what I have heard come from Todd's mouth before. Kind of took Todd back but hey not sure he will associate the two.

How do you fix a child whom is so broken from all he has gone through. All I have put him through. All I have let happen to him. I have not been a good mother to him. Now I want to be but at times I am afraid it is to late.

I see Kyle ending up in prison if he keeps on this path. He is abusive in many ways. He is carrying on the cycle that has been done to him.

He has so much wrong with him that no one here can help him. He goes to therapy but the therapist says he does not see much change. He doesn't really talk to him - he is at that age.

What do I as a parent do? I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure.