My day so far has been full of tears. I got two voicemails from Todd letting me know if I wanted to follow him out there I was more than welcome to and then another one addressing the message I left him yesterday.
He changes our conversations to fit what he needs at the moment.
We have to be to the farm today at 1 PM. Why would I tell him I would be to Grattan at 12:30 to pick Adam up at 12:30 when it is a 30 minute drive from my apartment? I wouldn't and yet he is telling me that is what I agreed to.
When we talked on Tuesday evening I asked him if he would have an issue getting Adam to me by 12:30 on Sunday because we needed to leave the apartment no later than that to make it in time. His response not a problem.
Then by the time we left the library he had left three messages saying how it would be much more helpful if I could come and pick Adam up from Grattan for him so he didn't have to rush to get him to me - he would really appreciate it. I told him I would think about it.
I called yesterday and told him I don't have the gas money to be able to do it and he would need to have Adam to me by 12:30. He never called me back until this morning when he left the two messages and changed all he had to say.
He still makes me feel as if I am crazy but I know I am not. I would not have agreed to pick Adam up at 12:30 at Grattan - I told Adam if I was picking him up it would be at 12. He told me earlier in the week he told me he would not have Adam to me by 12:30 if I didn't come and pick him up. He changed our whole conversations.
I got upset - started to cry (still am) and started to raise my voice because I am so tired of it.
I flat out told him if there is anything important going from now on - he isn't getting Adam for that weekend anymore. I am tired of dealing with all of this stuff. He would not take Adam for a haircut for my grandpas funeral but I could not come and get him to do it. Now all of this. His world revolves around him.
I am changing the visitation schedule to Friday to Sunday and Wednesday evenings (not overnight). I have had enough and soon it might go to every other weekend. I am tired of being walked all over.
I have asked him to just let this divorce be over with but he won't agree to anything he doesn't want to (I get nothing and he gets it all plus full custody of Adam). I have sat back forever and just let him have his way and now no more. I am tired of it.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Just Can't Win....
Got a letter from Friend of the Court today. We don't qualify for mediation for Kyle. ARG. I can't change him from this state to Illinois unless I stop all food stamps for him - which our case worker will not allow me to do. Not only that but if he is no longer living with me - Keith can sign off rights - not have to pay child support and I am going to have to pay $250 (or there abouts) a month for him plus the cost of the school.
Right now - my head is just swimming. No matter how much I attempt to help him - I just can't win. I can't afford $250 a month plus the cost of the school. I just can't. I will barely be able to afford the school.
I just can't stop crying. He needs help no one in the family can provide and now it looks like he won't even be able to get the help he needs because I can't afford to pay child support
Right now - my head is just swimming. No matter how much I attempt to help him - I just can't win. I can't afford $250 a month plus the cost of the school. I just can't. I will barely be able to afford the school.
I just can't stop crying. He needs help no one in the family can provide and now it looks like he won't even be able to get the help he needs because I can't afford to pay child support
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Teaching
How do you teach a 14 year old that things are never going to be easy. Things are never going to be fair. Yet at the same time - your attitude, your decisions, your response - it up to you. You can't take your anger and resentment out on other people just because the get to do something.
Todd takes Adam each and every weekend. He takes him to the movies, out to dinner, camping, and most importantly - dirt biking.
Todd took Kyle the last three weekends. Then it ended. Kyle was bored because Todd expects him to not be bored, to stay by him, to just watch and to behave. Kyle isn't allowed to just go off and play - he has to stay by Todd. Nothing Kyle does can be an accident either - it is always on purpose (which 90% of the time it is though but still there is that 10%). So this weekend Kyle was not allowed to go.
Prior to Todd coming to pick up Adam world war 5 million took place. Kyle telling Adam he has no right to go and dirt bike - then it was you stupid this - I hate you that - I hope you drop dead - usual things - Adam is lying - Adam is an idiot - Kyle hit me and the tears start.
Then because I try to talk to Kyle about what is right and wrong I turn into a horrible person who doesn't care and why should you (if you could only hear the ton that comes out of his mouth). Life here sucks and it isn't fair and you hate me and I hate you and I am leaving and going where ever I feel like and you can't stop me because I am 14 - you can't hold me down and keep me here. I am never happy around you and you are insane why should I stay.
It is a never ending cycle when Kyle doesn't get his way. I end up in tears because I can't keep on doing this. I can't take back the past. I can only move forward but I seem to not know how to even do that the right way.
Even after the kids are gone for a weekend - I am on edge the moment they walk in that door. I am just waiting for the angry eruption because Kyle doesn't get his way. Adam always get to do whatever he wants and I never do.
I flat out asked him today what he thought was going to happen the past three weekends with Todd. He could not answer me. I asked him if he thought Todd had changed enough and he himself had changed enough to be able have fun. He had no idea - but I knew the answer to that - neither of them have changed enough.
Just pray that this school thinks he is a good fit. He needs help - and it is help no one here can give.
Todd takes Adam each and every weekend. He takes him to the movies, out to dinner, camping, and most importantly - dirt biking.
Todd took Kyle the last three weekends. Then it ended. Kyle was bored because Todd expects him to not be bored, to stay by him, to just watch and to behave. Kyle isn't allowed to just go off and play - he has to stay by Todd. Nothing Kyle does can be an accident either - it is always on purpose (which 90% of the time it is though but still there is that 10%). So this weekend Kyle was not allowed to go.
Prior to Todd coming to pick up Adam world war 5 million took place. Kyle telling Adam he has no right to go and dirt bike - then it was you stupid this - I hate you that - I hope you drop dead - usual things - Adam is lying - Adam is an idiot - Kyle hit me and the tears start.
Then because I try to talk to Kyle about what is right and wrong I turn into a horrible person who doesn't care and why should you (if you could only hear the ton that comes out of his mouth). Life here sucks and it isn't fair and you hate me and I hate you and I am leaving and going where ever I feel like and you can't stop me because I am 14 - you can't hold me down and keep me here. I am never happy around you and you are insane why should I stay.
It is a never ending cycle when Kyle doesn't get his way. I end up in tears because I can't keep on doing this. I can't take back the past. I can only move forward but I seem to not know how to even do that the right way.
Even after the kids are gone for a weekend - I am on edge the moment they walk in that door. I am just waiting for the angry eruption because Kyle doesn't get his way. Adam always get to do whatever he wants and I never do.
I flat out asked him today what he thought was going to happen the past three weekends with Todd. He could not answer me. I asked him if he thought Todd had changed enough and he himself had changed enough to be able have fun. He had no idea - but I knew the answer to that - neither of them have changed enough.
Just pray that this school thinks he is a good fit. He needs help - and it is help no one here can give.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Update....
Alright it has been a while - a week actually I think.
We had an ultrasound last week Friday and we got nothing. The little bean sat with the legs crossed and unmoving the whole time. Don't get me wrong - the baby was moving; arms, head, twirling around and all of that but the legs were locked and it wasn't showing.
Of course I kind of predicted that this would happen. I said to Jack that this baby would keep it a secret just because the boys showed all and I didn't want to know. So because I want to know with this one - I figured I wouldn't get the chance.
Not to much has gone one really. I was showering last Friday, got light-headed, went to sit down and ended up passing out I guess. I was saying I just fell but that isn't true because I was about sitting and then I was on the ground. The light-headed thing is a normal thing for me while pregnant but I usually catch it in enough time that I don't worry about it. I wasn't all to worried about it either until Saturday morning when I woke up with cramping and a bit of bleeding. So I called the doctor's office and they sent me to the ER.
Just how I wanted to spend my Saturday - in the ER. It wasn't much fun really... They did a reverse ultrasound to see if I was bleeding because of the lovenox. Found I have a bladder infection, kidney stones and a blood clot that should resolve itself by weeks end now that I am on a therapeutic level of the lovenox again.
I have been discovering how hard it is to not let the past affect the future. I am doing my best to remember Jack is Jack - he isn't my past - right now he is my present. I find myself still being the person I was before...
Everything was my own. I had to figure it out on my own. I needed to go to the ER - don't bother telling - just go and get it done with. Need surgery - tell me what day so I can take 1/2 a day off to take you to and from the hospital if you can't find someone else. You have bills to pay - take care of them. I am sure you get the picture of what it was like - I was on my own.
So for me - telling Jack anything is always an after thought. I need to work on changing that because my intention isn't to hurt him or upset him or make him mad but I have just been on my own even when I was with someone.
Change - slowly but surely I will get there.
We had an ultrasound last week Friday and we got nothing. The little bean sat with the legs crossed and unmoving the whole time. Don't get me wrong - the baby was moving; arms, head, twirling around and all of that but the legs were locked and it wasn't showing.
Of course I kind of predicted that this would happen. I said to Jack that this baby would keep it a secret just because the boys showed all and I didn't want to know. So because I want to know with this one - I figured I wouldn't get the chance.
Not to much has gone one really. I was showering last Friday, got light-headed, went to sit down and ended up passing out I guess. I was saying I just fell but that isn't true because I was about sitting and then I was on the ground. The light-headed thing is a normal thing for me while pregnant but I usually catch it in enough time that I don't worry about it. I wasn't all to worried about it either until Saturday morning when I woke up with cramping and a bit of bleeding. So I called the doctor's office and they sent me to the ER.
Just how I wanted to spend my Saturday - in the ER. It wasn't much fun really... They did a reverse ultrasound to see if I was bleeding because of the lovenox. Found I have a bladder infection, kidney stones and a blood clot that should resolve itself by weeks end now that I am on a therapeutic level of the lovenox again.
I have been discovering how hard it is to not let the past affect the future. I am doing my best to remember Jack is Jack - he isn't my past - right now he is my present. I find myself still being the person I was before...
Everything was my own. I had to figure it out on my own. I needed to go to the ER - don't bother telling - just go and get it done with. Need surgery - tell me what day so I can take 1/2 a day off to take you to and from the hospital if you can't find someone else. You have bills to pay - take care of them. I am sure you get the picture of what it was like - I was on my own.
So for me - telling Jack anything is always an after thought. I need to work on changing that because my intention isn't to hurt him or upset him or make him mad but I have just been on my own even when I was with someone.
Change - slowly but surely I will get there.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Tomorrow is the day...
Tomorrow is this bean cooperates with us - we will find out what we are having....
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Does it Ever Get Better?
So once again things go from being okay to being screwed.
I went into my bank account today and the last two child support payments have been removed. Which put my bank account near negative and the six bills I paid with it are now putting me negative. Plus the money for 3 of them which sort of cleared overdraft fees from the bank.
There are still 3 outstanding ones which mean - I am going to have 3 more overdraft fees totalling another $102 not including what the bills come to.
I give up. I am feeling beyond broken right now.
Where am I going to come up with over $300 right now? I have sold everything I can - I have nothing left to sell.
I went into my bank account today and the last two child support payments have been removed. Which put my bank account near negative and the six bills I paid with it are now putting me negative. Plus the money for 3 of them which sort of cleared overdraft fees from the bank.
There are still 3 outstanding ones which mean - I am going to have 3 more overdraft fees totalling another $102 not including what the bills come to.
I give up. I am feeling beyond broken right now.
Where am I going to come up with over $300 right now? I have sold everything I can - I have nothing left to sell.
Monday, July 16, 2007
A Reminder for Me...
A wise - wise - wise man said to me today...
"And - to some degree, you have to use a healthy portion of grace for when he will screw up... and we both know, Jack is a man... and men screw up... constantly"
So grant me that grace because I need it - a lot of it!
"And - to some degree, you have to use a healthy portion of grace for when he will screw up... and we both know, Jack is a man... and men screw up... constantly"
So grant me that grace because I need it - a lot of it!
Another Day in the Life of Confusion...
This is just going to be another blog full of nothing. I have a lot running around in my brain the past couple of days and even though I have written some of it down - it is still all up there...
Just feeling like I am working through nothing lately. My past is all coming out. Jack will say things and he is joking but it brings back the past. I wish I could just forget it all like I used to do but that doesn't leave much of a person - just a shell.
About three weeks ago I realized how much I care about Jack. From the beginning I have really liked this guy. Have no idea why but I really did. Attempted to cut it off a couple of times with him actually but always went back to him. I drove my girlfriends nuts when I would cut it off with him and not talk to him - I was not a fun person to be around. All I did was cry. A man I barely knew and I felt like I was losing something huge from my life. Yet three weeks ago - I realized I loved him. I mean I really realized I wanted him in my life forever.
Even with everything that has gone on in my life I want him in my life forever?! Makes me wonder what the heck is inside of my head about right now.
In the movie "The Break-Up" there is a scene in the movie when Gary (Vince Vaughn) is talking to his friend the bartender. The friend says something along the lines of she gave you her all and she never had a chance - you never let anyone get close to you - so she never had a chance with you. That is the story of my life. I find men who can't/won't open up and give there heart.
So then I have to ask myself why do I stay? Why do I allow myself to get hurt and fall for this?
Before I was never told, "I have been hurt and I won't do it again." Yet Jack has been upfront and honest with me from the beginning. He has told me he doesn't want anything right now because of his past. So why didn't I protect myself?
So what do I do now is the question... Do I just keep on going with what we have now? Funny thing is I have no idea what we have right now. Do I distance myself from him? I don't want to but in the end would it save my heart?
You know my life is a wreck. My past has made me who I am and I can't stand it. I live with the fear of rejection. Yet maybe I picked him because I was rejected before I even had a chance with him. Can't be rejected by someone who tells you flat out you will have nothing.
While married I was rejected so much I put a wall up. I stopped asking for things I wanted or needed. I just hoped at some point they would happen - couldn't hurt from the excuses that way.
My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about time I asked for with him. I would hear things like, "I just spent last night with you and now you want more? You are a sponge who never fills up. I give you something and you want more and more and more. You are never satisfied with what you are given."
My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about sex when I tried to have it with him. I heard a lot of things about why we could not do it.
How do you move past the past? How do you not let it affect you anymore?
There are some things I won't ever bend on. I am a jealous person. I can't stand seeing husbands, wives, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends - flirting with others. I rips at the core of me. Why would you want to flirt with someone who doesn't belong to you (in so many words)? Why would you want to hurt the person you are with? I am a one man women and the guy I am with better be a one women man. I won't tolerate that stuff.
Porn - strippers - strip clubs - you go there and you lose a part of me. If it is for a friends bachelor party - you still lose a part of me. If you are with someone that should be the only person you want to see and want to be with and if you are afraid of what your friends will think by not going - it is your loss because you lose a part of me. I won't leave you in the physical sense of the word but emotionally and possible sexually you have lost me.
When I look over my life I have never been treated like a person should be. There was the occasional flowers or Christmas gift but the things that meant so much to me where never there.
Some lyrics come to mind and it is how I feel:
and
Just feeling like I am working through nothing lately. My past is all coming out. Jack will say things and he is joking but it brings back the past. I wish I could just forget it all like I used to do but that doesn't leave much of a person - just a shell.
About three weeks ago I realized how much I care about Jack. From the beginning I have really liked this guy. Have no idea why but I really did. Attempted to cut it off a couple of times with him actually but always went back to him. I drove my girlfriends nuts when I would cut it off with him and not talk to him - I was not a fun person to be around. All I did was cry. A man I barely knew and I felt like I was losing something huge from my life. Yet three weeks ago - I realized I loved him. I mean I really realized I wanted him in my life forever.
Even with everything that has gone on in my life I want him in my life forever?! Makes me wonder what the heck is inside of my head about right now.
In the movie "The Break-Up" there is a scene in the movie when Gary (Vince Vaughn) is talking to his friend the bartender. The friend says something along the lines of she gave you her all and she never had a chance - you never let anyone get close to you - so she never had a chance with you. That is the story of my life. I find men who can't/won't open up and give there heart.
So then I have to ask myself why do I stay? Why do I allow myself to get hurt and fall for this?
Before I was never told, "I have been hurt and I won't do it again." Yet Jack has been upfront and honest with me from the beginning. He has told me he doesn't want anything right now because of his past. So why didn't I protect myself?
So what do I do now is the question... Do I just keep on going with what we have now? Funny thing is I have no idea what we have right now. Do I distance myself from him? I don't want to but in the end would it save my heart?
You know my life is a wreck. My past has made me who I am and I can't stand it. I live with the fear of rejection. Yet maybe I picked him because I was rejected before I even had a chance with him. Can't be rejected by someone who tells you flat out you will have nothing.
While married I was rejected so much I put a wall up. I stopped asking for things I wanted or needed. I just hoped at some point they would happen - couldn't hurt from the excuses that way.
My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about time I asked for with him. I would hear things like, "I just spent last night with you and now you want more? You are a sponge who never fills up. I give you something and you want more and more and more. You are never satisfied with what you are given."
My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about sex when I tried to have it with him. I heard a lot of things about why we could not do it.
How do you move past the past? How do you not let it affect you anymore?
There are some things I won't ever bend on. I am a jealous person. I can't stand seeing husbands, wives, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends - flirting with others. I rips at the core of me. Why would you want to flirt with someone who doesn't belong to you (in so many words)? Why would you want to hurt the person you are with? I am a one man women and the guy I am with better be a one women man. I won't tolerate that stuff.
Porn - strippers - strip clubs - you go there and you lose a part of me. If it is for a friends bachelor party - you still lose a part of me. If you are with someone that should be the only person you want to see and want to be with and if you are afraid of what your friends will think by not going - it is your loss because you lose a part of me. I won't leave you in the physical sense of the word but emotionally and possible sexually you have lost me.
When I look over my life I have never been treated like a person should be. There was the occasional flowers or Christmas gift but the things that meant so much to me where never there.
Some lyrics come to mind and it is how I feel:
"I ain't settling for anything less than everything"
which is in the song Settlin' by Sugarlandand
"Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted"
which is in the song Wasted by Carrie Underwood
Thursday, July 12, 2007
What a Screw Up....
My day has been once again filled with tears. I just can't win. I spent time on the phone today with my creditors I am not able to pay. Of course they are all credit cards or what not.
By the last call I was in tears. This lady was telling me she didn't care what I had to do but I had better come up with $77 by the end of the month. I am 60 days away from the account being charged off and being sent to their attorneys and then they will just garnish my wages and that is 25% of whatever I earn.
I told her I could not work outside of the home - I am not getting any money. Explained the story to them yet once again. Explained the money I get is disability and that I am doing my best but I just don't have it.
She started to yell at me telling me she was just going to recommend my account be sent to their attorneys now because it is obvious to her I never intended to pay this account since when I opened the credit card I was already on disability and had no way to pay. I tried to tell her I was paying it on time and in full every month and I did intend to pay but she just kept going on and on. Telling me how wrong I am and I was wrong to charge this stuff and I was in tears.
She would not listen to me and I ended up hanging up on her. Then I tried to call the original person back and they would no longer accept calls from my number.
I have tried and tried and now for sure - my credit that took me so long to freakin repair is gone again...
I am feeling like one hell of a loser right now. I am thinking more and more I should just give this baby up. I can't even take care of my current bills - what is going to change. I always seem to be in the same boat all the time. A person who can't pay her bills - who ruins her credit - who will never have a house or a family the way it should be.
By the last call I was in tears. This lady was telling me she didn't care what I had to do but I had better come up with $77 by the end of the month. I am 60 days away from the account being charged off and being sent to their attorneys and then they will just garnish my wages and that is 25% of whatever I earn.
I told her I could not work outside of the home - I am not getting any money. Explained the story to them yet once again. Explained the money I get is disability and that I am doing my best but I just don't have it.
She started to yell at me telling me she was just going to recommend my account be sent to their attorneys now because it is obvious to her I never intended to pay this account since when I opened the credit card I was already on disability and had no way to pay. I tried to tell her I was paying it on time and in full every month and I did intend to pay but she just kept going on and on. Telling me how wrong I am and I was wrong to charge this stuff and I was in tears.
She would not listen to me and I ended up hanging up on her. Then I tried to call the original person back and they would no longer accept calls from my number.
I have tried and tried and now for sure - my credit that took me so long to freakin repair is gone again...
I am feeling like one hell of a loser right now. I am thinking more and more I should just give this baby up. I can't even take care of my current bills - what is going to change. I always seem to be in the same boat all the time. A person who can't pay her bills - who ruins her credit - who will never have a house or a family the way it should be.
Missing People...
There are people I miss in my life - even if I get to see them. Why do I have such a hard time telling those people that I want to see them because I miss them?
I am not one who ever wants to be vulnerable. I do not want to seem like I need or want someone in my life. I am not a person who likes others to see my weaknesses.
Is this a struggle that a lot of people have or is it something that is brought on by the life we lead?
I guess I need to learn how to be vulnerable and tell those around me that I would like to see them because I miss them. It isn't easy and I am sure it won't happen overnight either. I just need to work towards it I guess...
I am not one who ever wants to be vulnerable. I do not want to seem like I need or want someone in my life. I am not a person who likes others to see my weaknesses.
Is this a struggle that a lot of people have or is it something that is brought on by the life we lead?
I guess I need to learn how to be vulnerable and tell those around me that I would like to see them because I miss them. It isn't easy and I am sure it won't happen overnight either. I just need to work towards it I guess...
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
What a Day...
I have been in tears most of this day. My oldest is home and I am back in tears. I have yelled at him two times today - just lost it those two times. The rest of the time it was just me talking to him about what was going on. Yet nothing seems to matter.
I have found out some interesting things about myself today. Apparently according to my parents I am selfish to think that people outside of my home will abide by the rules if the kids are grounded or in trouble. It seems that according to my dad it is his house and his rules and my rules don't matter.
It really hit me today how much I can't do this on my own. I can not handle my oldest son. He hates me and it shows with every breath he takes when he isn't getting his way.
All I asked today was for the boys to clean their room. It has been a non-stop battle since. I finally told them until it was clean - there is no TV or games. Then that is when the whole it doesn't matter I will just to go grandpa's because it is his house and his rules.
I really am doing this all on my own aren't I. I have had no help for the last 10 years and now here once again I am going to be starting from scratch and on my own.
The biggest complaint today is how much they hate it here. There is nothing to do. No kids to play with. No where to go to have fun. No money to do anything.
They are right - but it is all I can afford and that is stretching it even then. I don't have any extra money at the beginning, middle or end of the month. I never do. I can't take them to the movies, out to eat or some place fun. I don't have the money for it and yet Todd and who ever else in their life does.
Guess I am not really providing for them then am I...
I am just at a loss today...
I have found out some interesting things about myself today. Apparently according to my parents I am selfish to think that people outside of my home will abide by the rules if the kids are grounded or in trouble. It seems that according to my dad it is his house and his rules and my rules don't matter.
It really hit me today how much I can't do this on my own. I can not handle my oldest son. He hates me and it shows with every breath he takes when he isn't getting his way.
All I asked today was for the boys to clean their room. It has been a non-stop battle since. I finally told them until it was clean - there is no TV or games. Then that is when the whole it doesn't matter I will just to go grandpa's because it is his house and his rules.
I really am doing this all on my own aren't I. I have had no help for the last 10 years and now here once again I am going to be starting from scratch and on my own.
The biggest complaint today is how much they hate it here. There is nothing to do. No kids to play with. No where to go to have fun. No money to do anything.
They are right - but it is all I can afford and that is stretching it even then. I don't have any extra money at the beginning, middle or end of the month. I never do. I can't take them to the movies, out to eat or some place fun. I don't have the money for it and yet Todd and who ever else in their life does.
Guess I am not really providing for them then am I...
I am just at a loss today...
Thursday, July 5, 2007
God Never Gives More Than You Can Handle....
When I hear this statement I cringe. I tend to not get into debates with people over this because I don't know the Bible all that well. Yet I know that statement is NEVER found in the Bible!
God never allows more to happen in your life than He can handle. God allows situations to happen so that you are broken down and have no choice but to cry out and totally rely upon Him.
If God never gave us more than we could handle - what would we need Him for?
I really think it is sad to watch parents teach children that God never gives you more than you can handle because that gives them the wrong ideas about what God will allow. Since what we think we can handle and what God allows to happen will never be the same thing. Why give them a false impression about what God allows in peoples lives?
The sad thing right now is that I am not totally broken. You would think with everything that goes on in my life and how stressed I am - I would be at the bottom and unable to get up without His help and yet I just keep on standing up and getting knocked back down.
I have been trying to focus on why I am like this. I have been trying to work through the fact that I don't/can't depend upon myself fully. Hopefully someday soon - I will get there...
God never allows more to happen in your life than He can handle. God allows situations to happen so that you are broken down and have no choice but to cry out and totally rely upon Him.
If God never gave us more than we could handle - what would we need Him for?
I really think it is sad to watch parents teach children that God never gives you more than you can handle because that gives them the wrong ideas about what God will allow. Since what we think we can handle and what God allows to happen will never be the same thing. Why give them a false impression about what God allows in peoples lives?
The sad thing right now is that I am not totally broken. You would think with everything that goes on in my life and how stressed I am - I would be at the bottom and unable to get up without His help and yet I just keep on standing up and getting knocked back down.
I have been trying to focus on why I am like this. I have been trying to work through the fact that I don't/can't depend upon myself fully. Hopefully someday soon - I will get there...
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Frustration
I left my husband over 10 months ago now. It hasn't been easy but when I left - I told him why I was leaving and what he had to do in order for us to come back home. He never read the whole letter - said it was just a repeat of what I always said and there was no need for him to read the whole thing.
It is a shame that he never read the whole letter. It really was to be the starting point of where things went for our marriage. Either he understood why the things needed to be done or he decided he didn't care and the marriage was over.
For 10 months now he has thought that this is just a break. Being apart would fix what went wrong with us. This is even after I filed for divorce. Are people really that caught up in their own world that they don't realize how serious some people are?
I was doing just fine and making it on my own until my blood clot. After I lost my job I felt like I lost a part of me. Depression really started to set in then. It hasn't seemed to let us since that point.
Most of my worries at this point reside in finances. I realized yesterday that I have 3 months to come up with a down payment or first months rent/deposit for some place new to live. Then after that I have 2 months to come up with money for all of the things I need for the baby. Where is this money going to come from?
Each month I have to pick and choose what to pay. I have not paid a single credit card since February. I am kicking myself right now. I spent 9 years digging myself out of the whole I put myself in when I was 18. When I left Todd I had great credit. I was paying everything on time. I had no problems with what was going on. There was no picking and choosing what to pay - even without the child support coming in.
Maybe my depression is from the fact that I feel like everyone was right. Here I am once again putting myself into a hole. Here I am once again not able to make it on my own. Here I am once again in way over my head. Here I am once again a failure.
Yet the difference is this time - I am not looking for some guy to come and save me. So maybe I am not as big of a failure as I feel like because even if I am failing - I am doing it on my own. I don't need anyone to save me - I need to save myself and dig myself out.
Some days are really hard. The days I have to tell my children I would love to do that but can't because we can't afford it. How sad is it to tell your children you can't afford a donut or to go to the park (because of gas). I don't even share anymore because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I actually have started to avoid people because I hate hearing why don't you go here (example - many have suggested I drive to a movie theater in the city because it is a great view of the fireworks) or there or do this with the boys or that with the boys and I don't want to be honest with them about why I don't or more so can't.
I left my husband 10 months ago. I left my marriage in January. I struggle daily and he thrives (okay so maybe he isn't thriving but it feels like it most of the time). I sit in this tiny apartment and he has our house. I can't pay my bills and he is buying expensive toys for our son. I lost my lawyer and he is going to get everything he wanted and more. I can't pay for my medication and he is having no problems paying for his.
I have $1.08 to my name, no gas in my car, no money for my medication, no money for cough medicine for my son, and depression to boot. I keep on looking for the positive side of things but I am struggling to find it.
So please just pray that I find that positive.
It is a shame that he never read the whole letter. It really was to be the starting point of where things went for our marriage. Either he understood why the things needed to be done or he decided he didn't care and the marriage was over.
For 10 months now he has thought that this is just a break. Being apart would fix what went wrong with us. This is even after I filed for divorce. Are people really that caught up in their own world that they don't realize how serious some people are?
I was doing just fine and making it on my own until my blood clot. After I lost my job I felt like I lost a part of me. Depression really started to set in then. It hasn't seemed to let us since that point.
Most of my worries at this point reside in finances. I realized yesterday that I have 3 months to come up with a down payment or first months rent/deposit for some place new to live. Then after that I have 2 months to come up with money for all of the things I need for the baby. Where is this money going to come from?
Each month I have to pick and choose what to pay. I have not paid a single credit card since February. I am kicking myself right now. I spent 9 years digging myself out of the whole I put myself in when I was 18. When I left Todd I had great credit. I was paying everything on time. I had no problems with what was going on. There was no picking and choosing what to pay - even without the child support coming in.
Maybe my depression is from the fact that I feel like everyone was right. Here I am once again putting myself into a hole. Here I am once again not able to make it on my own. Here I am once again in way over my head. Here I am once again a failure.
Yet the difference is this time - I am not looking for some guy to come and save me. So maybe I am not as big of a failure as I feel like because even if I am failing - I am doing it on my own. I don't need anyone to save me - I need to save myself and dig myself out.
Some days are really hard. The days I have to tell my children I would love to do that but can't because we can't afford it. How sad is it to tell your children you can't afford a donut or to go to the park (because of gas). I don't even share anymore because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I actually have started to avoid people because I hate hearing why don't you go here (example - many have suggested I drive to a movie theater in the city because it is a great view of the fireworks) or there or do this with the boys or that with the boys and I don't want to be honest with them about why I don't or more so can't.
I left my husband 10 months ago. I left my marriage in January. I struggle daily and he thrives (okay so maybe he isn't thriving but it feels like it most of the time). I sit in this tiny apartment and he has our house. I can't pay my bills and he is buying expensive toys for our son. I lost my lawyer and he is going to get everything he wanted and more. I can't pay for my medication and he is having no problems paying for his.
I have $1.08 to my name, no gas in my car, no money for my medication, no money for cough medicine for my son, and depression to boot. I keep on looking for the positive side of things but I am struggling to find it.
So please just pray that I find that positive.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Clarification!
It isn't my brother and sister-in-law who are abusing my son.
It is someone at his birth fathers house. More than likely his grandfather.
It is someone at his birth fathers house. More than likely his grandfather.
Weekend
This blog is going to be scattered. My brain is still scattered so just try and bear with me on this day...
It wasn't a busy weekend for me. To be honest it never is a busy weekend for me. My weekend pretty much consisted of trying to keep my brain busy enough not to think about the events of Friday.
Jack came over on Friday night (Jack for those of you who don't know is the babies dad). He is not one for crying. It drives him nuts but I think it drives him nuts because he doesn't want to hear someone hurting; so I guess it isn't all bad. He asked me Friday afternoon if I wanted him to come over and I told him it was up to him because all I was probably going to be doing was crying and knowing how well he enjoyed that I wasn't going to ask him to come over. He showed up after work. I was still sitting on the couch crying. He kind of rubbed my head then sat down. Then asked me to come to him and just held me while I cried. He is the first guy I can remember who didn't try and fix what was wrong. He was just there.
I have been trying for at home jobs I can do while the kids are gone or sleeping. Found a few at home customer service reps and so on. Actually got accepted this weekend into one of them. Finished all the training and had to do the 25 1st calls to become accepted and I did that on Saturday and was accepted by Sunday. It does not pay the best but it is money coming in I guess. Plus I won't have to pay a sitter. At first you can only get guaranteed hours on the weekend - unless you sit there in the scheduler and someone cancels time and you are quick to grab it. Yet you can log in at anytime - just not promised any calls because they give them to those who are committed to that time first and foremost. It will be okay though. From just working a bit this weekend I made some money so I feel better about that overall. Not going to be the amount I need to be making but it is a start.
I know most of you have your family around you all the time so you don't get to be alone. Then when you are alone that time is just precious and you don't waste it. I feel as if my weekends are just wasted. The boys are not around. I do talk to Jack on Saturday and a lot of the times I get to see him as well but it isn't until after he is out of work. Yet most of the time right now I lay around doing nothing. I could be doing some cleaning. I could be doing laundry. I could be doing something constructive and yet I lay around - reading or watching TV. I leave my house so infrequently on the weekends. To be honest I can't even tell you the last time I left the house on a weekend.
I have this depression going on. Something I hide really well around others because if they knew they would worry. Yet it is there. I have always been good at hiding what really goes on inside of me. A few pick up on it here and there when it is so bad I can't hide it but after a few days I am able to just go on. Plus those who do pick up on it - I always blame it on something unrelated and they never have a clue.
How do you send a child off to get help for something no one around here can give? How do you help this child see it is for him and not just because no one loves him and no one wants him around? My son is a professional at sabotaging relationships and he learned this from me. He is going to once again feel abandoned and alone if he is accepted at this school. In the end though I know it is for his best. I don't even want to think about it though because it just makes me cry. I failed my son on every level you can as a parent. I had him young. I didn't raise him from 2.5 until 5. He was emotional abused and ignored and made to feel like the worse person alive for the past 9 years. He was or is being sexually abused. If someone can't help him and soon he is going to end up in jail, living on the streets or worse yet dead. He isn't going to get better living with family who do not know how to deal with this type of thing. His teachers are drained from all the time they put into him. My brother and sister-in-law are drained and it is hurting their marriage. He hates me and it is no wonder why and because of that - does everything to put me. I failed my son.
It wasn't a busy weekend for me. To be honest it never is a busy weekend for me. My weekend pretty much consisted of trying to keep my brain busy enough not to think about the events of Friday.
Jack came over on Friday night (Jack for those of you who don't know is the babies dad). He is not one for crying. It drives him nuts but I think it drives him nuts because he doesn't want to hear someone hurting; so I guess it isn't all bad. He asked me Friday afternoon if I wanted him to come over and I told him it was up to him because all I was probably going to be doing was crying and knowing how well he enjoyed that I wasn't going to ask him to come over. He showed up after work. I was still sitting on the couch crying. He kind of rubbed my head then sat down. Then asked me to come to him and just held me while I cried. He is the first guy I can remember who didn't try and fix what was wrong. He was just there.
I have been trying for at home jobs I can do while the kids are gone or sleeping. Found a few at home customer service reps and so on. Actually got accepted this weekend into one of them. Finished all the training and had to do the 25 1st calls to become accepted and I did that on Saturday and was accepted by Sunday. It does not pay the best but it is money coming in I guess. Plus I won't have to pay a sitter. At first you can only get guaranteed hours on the weekend - unless you sit there in the scheduler and someone cancels time and you are quick to grab it. Yet you can log in at anytime - just not promised any calls because they give them to those who are committed to that time first and foremost. It will be okay though. From just working a bit this weekend I made some money so I feel better about that overall. Not going to be the amount I need to be making but it is a start.
I know most of you have your family around you all the time so you don't get to be alone. Then when you are alone that time is just precious and you don't waste it. I feel as if my weekends are just wasted. The boys are not around. I do talk to Jack on Saturday and a lot of the times I get to see him as well but it isn't until after he is out of work. Yet most of the time right now I lay around doing nothing. I could be doing some cleaning. I could be doing laundry. I could be doing something constructive and yet I lay around - reading or watching TV. I leave my house so infrequently on the weekends. To be honest I can't even tell you the last time I left the house on a weekend.
I have this depression going on. Something I hide really well around others because if they knew they would worry. Yet it is there. I have always been good at hiding what really goes on inside of me. A few pick up on it here and there when it is so bad I can't hide it but after a few days I am able to just go on. Plus those who do pick up on it - I always blame it on something unrelated and they never have a clue.
How do you send a child off to get help for something no one around here can give? How do you help this child see it is for him and not just because no one loves him and no one wants him around? My son is a professional at sabotaging relationships and he learned this from me. He is going to once again feel abandoned and alone if he is accepted at this school. In the end though I know it is for his best. I don't even want to think about it though because it just makes me cry. I failed my son on every level you can as a parent. I had him young. I didn't raise him from 2.5 until 5. He was emotional abused and ignored and made to feel like the worse person alive for the past 9 years. He was or is being sexually abused. If someone can't help him and soon he is going to end up in jail, living on the streets or worse yet dead. He isn't going to get better living with family who do not know how to deal with this type of thing. His teachers are drained from all the time they put into him. My brother and sister-in-law are drained and it is hurting their marriage. He hates me and it is no wonder why and because of that - does everything to put me. I failed my son.
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