Quarters - Money - Does it Ever End?

Here we are yet another month waiting for my disability check to get here. Not a big deal because when it gets here - it pays the bills and is gone. I have nothing then until the next one comes in.

Yet each month it seems like something goes wrong. I was prepared for that this month though.

I have a phone through Vonage and they screwed up and I was charged last month when I should not have been. Put my account negative because I was not expecting it. Well after dealing with them I was told my "free" month would be in November.

Well with how my luck goes - I decided I had best keep the $32.00 in my bank account "just in case" they take it out in November. Oh and glory be - guess what happened - they charged my account. So I was thrilled with myself for keeping the money in the account and preventing me from going negative.

After talking with them this morning - I am going to get two free months instead of the one free month. Although I don't get them until January and February.

Okay - so I decide to get online to check my bank account. I should have had whole $0.26 in my account. Yet when I logged into it and it pulled up my account information - it was a negative $15.60. Oh joy. What in the world is going on now?!

I opened up the account to figure out what is going on. You see two days ago when I reconciled my account everything had cleared. I had nothing outstanding. So why today am I negative? Just shoot me!

I find that there is a pending charge for $15.86. Not sure what it is for since it is pending. Yet I can't afford to have my account negative when it goes through. That will start me off when I do get my check at $948.14 and I would have to sit and figure out what wasn't going to be paid this month. Then it would take me months to make it up.

Not getting child support; even with how little it was from Keith (Kyle's dad) is killing me. I used that money for gas and well now we don't even have he one check a month he was sending. He was a useless piece of crap and yet I know - I was involved with him. Okay enough about that.

So I went into panic mode this morning. You know what I ended up doing. Being a terrible mom. Yup that is right - I stole from my youngest son. He has a state quarters collection and it was enough to put my account positive (along with returning all of my bottles and all of my change). I feel like crap - I stole from my 8 year old son. So now I have to work on replacing all his quarters - which will not be an easy thing to do.

Some days I just wonder how in the world I have survived this long.

Here is the thing - I do know we need money to survive. We all have to have some kind of income to be able to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles, and sometimes splurge on fun things.

I have never though believed money makes you happy. I know it helps make some people happy but I don't want my children to grow up thinking that having possessions are super important and they have to do whatever to get it.

I see that with Kyle. It really makes me sad but then again - it is what my dad does as well (and sometimes my mom). When I left home the whole thing for them was, "What about all your things? What about all the stuff we have bought the boys over the years?"

Well let me think about that a moment - ummm things don't really matter to me and the more you point out all the "things" we left behind the more Kyle gets upset - so knock it off!

My oldest son has many issues and teaching him that things are important is not going to help. I know money does make things easier but it isn't what makes one happy. Yes I am always happier and less stressed when I am not worried about money but I don't have to have a ton of money to make my life great.

You know that each month I live off of $998.00. Not a lot really. It pays for the basic things we need. That is the important thing I believe. Yet in the end how do you get your children to see that is all that is important? That just being with family and having the love of them means more than being able to go and see a movie...

Ghosts....

Okay so it isn't that I believe in ghosts per say but I do believe in my past haunting me. The ghosts from the past creep up into my current relationship. Do I enjoy it - not at all - but it does happen.

This past weekend seemed to be one of those. I tried to just block it all out. I tried to just let it go because at times it is hard for me to tell the difference between what is going on and the true past haunting me.

I find that I write letters to Jack and but never them to him. I am trying to sort things out for me. I am trying to see what is actually going on vs what is from the past creeping into my life.

Well I wrote a letter yesterday. I ended up saving it at the same time I was saving a list of baby items needed. I swapped the titled and did not realize it. I was tired and my head hurt (that is what happens when you sit and cry I guess).

I ended up sending him the letter instead of the baby list. Today I felt mortified. I felt like an ass. I was upset he read it. I cried a lot today. It wasn't that it was a horrible letter but my mouth and feelings tend to be straight forward and the choosing of my words - when writing for myself - is not really done. I mean I am writing it for myself to sort through feelings - I am not doing it for other people to read; so I am not all so careful with what I write.

He wanted to talk about it and I could not do it. I wanted to try but I just could not do it. I tried a little bit but I was not successful. He thinks I am making ant hills into mole hills. To be fair he is probably correct. I tend to worry and over-think and project.

So how do I get away from doing that? How do I get away from doing any of this?

I do not want to let the ghosts from the past run my life anymore. I do not want to give those ghosts a chance at ruining my current relationships.

I do want to find new ways to cope with things. I do want to be able to talk to people in my life without fear of what they will think or say.

I do not want to change my past but I want to be able to move beyond it. I would not be who I am today if it was not for the past things in my life; good or bad...

Just Life...

Well it is official for the next year I am going to be staying here. It really does make me sad. I don't want to be doing this alone. I know he keeps on saying I won't be doing this alone but I will be or at least feel like I am right now.


Between the lack of sleep with Kyle and his homework and then Adam's school work and then adding Isabella to that. Wow - I get tired even thinking about it.


Why do I have such a hard time crying in front of others? I wanted to cry so badly last night and I did when I sat in the bathroom - alone - but I could not cry while laying there with Jack. I had tears that came and went but I could not cry. Actually I have a pretty good idea why I can't cry or don't allow myself to cry. Maybe someday I will work through this but until I feel completely safe and trust anyone I can't.


When I used to cry 9 out of 10 times Todd would tell me to knock it off or to leave the room for whatever reason. So I have gotten good at not crying when I feel like it. I can cry with someone on the phone no problem - because they are not right there. Maybe I have trained myself to only cry in the bathroom since that is where I went most of the time to cry - lol.


Yesterday was a bittersweet day. I sold my last piece of jewelery so I can get the kids some of the things they need for school. Knowing for the last year I have done it on my own; even if it has been with selling things - is kind of nice. Yet yesterday I sold my last piece of jewelery and child support is just not forthcoming.


I have been looking for a part time job I can do while the boys are in school. Of course school hasn't started yet but I haven't been offered a job yet either. Then though I have to worry about daycare for Isabella after she is born, the phone calls from the school for Kyle, having to be at school for Kyle, giving up helping at Adam's school and the list goes on.


In the end though it comes down to the fact that I need the extra $860 a month. I was making it just fine until I was not working at my job and it has been 6 months now. I just need to get a job and then pray everything else works out - because it has to work out.


The summer is coming to an end and I have done nothing special with the boys. We have done the park - many times but all the things they ask about doing - we just have not done. I guess it is better that they know they are not doing these things though. Todd was famous for promising things and then taking it away the day of us going or forgetting he said we would go and then making other plans with friends or something like that.


We have been gone a little over a year now and here we are stuck. Still in an apartment. The kids without a pet (it just bothers me). Me without a job. I am pregnant. Still have no clue how to deal with Kyle and the information just keeps on piling on. Financial worries up the wazoo and they are going to get worse once the divorce is final.


I am grateful I got the courage to leave - it was 3 years coming before I actually walked out the door but I did leave. The best thing for me is I never went looking for someone to rescue me. Not that any man has ever rescued me but they have all promised to take care of me and I have let them and then the price is so steep.


So for me knowing that right now even with life not being the best it makes me feel somewhat better. I actually love someone and it is a healthy feeling; just wish he could be here more...


Such is life...

368 Days

I have been away from Todd and that life for 368 days. So why is it that it seems like things only keep on getting worse?

Still - he has only made 3 child support payments. Kyle's dad is not consistent with that either (and now he is moving out of the country). Todd didn't even have to start paying child support until February so he got away with paying nothing from August to February and he still isn't paying.

I have lost a few jobs since leaving him due to issues with Kyle because it is just me. It is only me getting the phone calls and having to deal with what he is doing or not doing and me having to go up to the school and me taking him to his appointments and it is only me.

If I could get and keep a job - we would be fine - but I seem to be failing at that skill right now.

I have $1.83 in my bank account right now. I have to get the kids their school supplies. I have to put gas in my car (on empty righ now). I have to get food for the house. I have to finish paying the bills for this month. All on a dollar.

These are the days where I want to just give up, give in, and call it quits.

Kyle needs to start therapy again due to current issues - even if the therapist feels he is getting nothing from it. I now have to figure out where I am going to come up with another $80 to $100 a month for it. Plus on top of that - once the divorce is final - I have to come up with money to pay for MiChild for Kyle and a supplemental insurance for myself - so that is going to run me about another $100 a month.

I am overwhelmed...

Weekend Thoughts....

What a weekend. There were a few times I wondered what in the heck to think but for the most part - the weekend helped with a lot of things.


I saw Jack a few times. Had emotional break-downs (man how I hate the hormonal surges that cause the crying for no reason). In the end though things were said that I needed to know.


Housing situation is still getting to me. I am thinking a "house" would be to much right now. Yet I don't want to stay here. I have been looking at modular homes but the problem is the amount needed down for one. Having spent all my savings I don't even have money to move into another apartment. There are still a couple I am going to call on anyway - just to see what they have to say...


Frustrated with Todd and his antics. He called last night at 6:30 to tell me they were still a hour and a half away and had not had dinner (Adam was supposed to be home by 7). I wanted to blow but I told him he needed to be home by 8:30. Well 8:30 gets here and he is calling asking if he can take him home because he needs help unloading things. I explain that I want him home at 7 so I can start getting him back into a school schedule and he is like, "I understand" but yet he didn't get him home until 9:20 last night. I am soooooooo tired of this crap. I give and he takes and takes and takes and thinks it is all fine.


So now for me - what do I do with what is going on in my life? I have written about this before but it is true. I am the queen of sabotaging my own life. This weekend makes me more than anything want to change that but I have no idea how. I stay guarded and I need to move beyond that. No one who is in my life right now is anyone from my past and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not going to be those from my past.


My divorce is taking forever. Not that I really expected things to be done and better and fixed by now but he is just dragging things out. He isn't getting his way and there are reasons for it. He wants Adam all the time and he says he will abide by the rules set for the school yet and yet he can't even get Adam home on time now. I don't trust him. My divorce is hindering my ability to move forward....


Technically speaking - I am married on paper. Our marriage was over long ago though. I tried and tried and tried to make things work and to fix things but I was doing it wrong. When I left I had hope things could still be salvaged - after a few months of him not changing - I knew that it was true - our marriage was over. I still care and love him but not like you should.


Now though - my heart belongs to another. There is a relationship there. Is it wrong that I am still married on paper - yes but in the end the marriage was over before this friendship even started.


Now to make it through the divorce and navigate through this new stuff.

Very Tired

I am worn out. I have no idea how I am going to keep on going. I feel as if there are just no solutions anymore to anything.

Just pray for me if you do - I feel as if I am hitting a brick wall daily with everything that goes on...

Update....

Alright it has been a while - a week actually I think.

We had an ultrasound last week Friday and we got nothing. The little bean sat with the legs crossed and unmoving the whole time. Don't get me wrong - the baby was moving; arms, head, twirling around and all of that but the legs were locked and it wasn't showing.

Of course I kind of predicted that this would happen. I said to Jack that this baby would keep it a secret just because the boys showed all and I didn't want to know. So because I want to know with this one - I figured I wouldn't get the chance.

Not to much has gone one really. I was showering last Friday, got light-headed, went to sit down and ended up passing out I guess. I was saying I just fell but that isn't true because I was about sitting and then I was on the ground. The light-headed thing is a normal thing for me while pregnant but I usually catch it in enough time that I don't worry about it. I wasn't all to worried about it either until Saturday morning when I woke up with cramping and a bit of bleeding. So I called the doctor's office and they sent me to the ER.

Just how I wanted to spend my Saturday - in the ER. It wasn't much fun really... They did a reverse ultrasound to see if I was bleeding because of the lovenox. Found I have a bladder infection, kidney stones and a blood clot that should resolve itself by weeks end now that I am on a therapeutic level of the lovenox again.

I have been discovering how hard it is to not let the past affect the future. I am doing my best to remember Jack is Jack - he isn't my past - right now he is my present. I find myself still being the person I was before...

Everything was my own. I had to figure it out on my own. I needed to go to the ER - don't bother telling - just go and get it done with. Need surgery - tell me what day so I can take 1/2 a day off to take you to and from the hospital if you can't find someone else. You have bills to pay - take care of them. I am sure you get the picture of what it was like - I was on my own.

So for me - telling Jack anything is always an after thought. I need to work on changing that because my intention isn't to hurt him or upset him or make him mad but I have just been on my own even when I was with someone.

Change - slowly but surely I will get there.