Update....

Alright it has been a while - a week actually I think.

We had an ultrasound last week Friday and we got nothing. The little bean sat with the legs crossed and unmoving the whole time. Don't get me wrong - the baby was moving; arms, head, twirling around and all of that but the legs were locked and it wasn't showing.

Of course I kind of predicted that this would happen. I said to Jack that this baby would keep it a secret just because the boys showed all and I didn't want to know. So because I want to know with this one - I figured I wouldn't get the chance.

Not to much has gone one really. I was showering last Friday, got light-headed, went to sit down and ended up passing out I guess. I was saying I just fell but that isn't true because I was about sitting and then I was on the ground. The light-headed thing is a normal thing for me while pregnant but I usually catch it in enough time that I don't worry about it. I wasn't all to worried about it either until Saturday morning when I woke up with cramping and a bit of bleeding. So I called the doctor's office and they sent me to the ER.

Just how I wanted to spend my Saturday - in the ER. It wasn't much fun really... They did a reverse ultrasound to see if I was bleeding because of the lovenox. Found I have a bladder infection, kidney stones and a blood clot that should resolve itself by weeks end now that I am on a therapeutic level of the lovenox again.

I have been discovering how hard it is to not let the past affect the future. I am doing my best to remember Jack is Jack - he isn't my past - right now he is my present. I find myself still being the person I was before...

Everything was my own. I had to figure it out on my own. I needed to go to the ER - don't bother telling - just go and get it done with. Need surgery - tell me what day so I can take 1/2 a day off to take you to and from the hospital if you can't find someone else. You have bills to pay - take care of them. I am sure you get the picture of what it was like - I was on my own.

So for me - telling Jack anything is always an after thought. I need to work on changing that because my intention isn't to hurt him or upset him or make him mad but I have just been on my own even when I was with someone.

Change - slowly but surely I will get there.