Frustration

I left my husband over 10 months ago now. It hasn't been easy but when I left - I told him why I was leaving and what he had to do in order for us to come back home. He never read the whole letter - said it was just a repeat of what I always said and there was no need for him to read the whole thing.

It is a shame that he never read the whole letter. It really was to be the starting point of where things went for our marriage. Either he understood why the things needed to be done or he decided he didn't care and the marriage was over.

For 10 months now he has thought that this is just a break. Being apart would fix what went wrong with us. This is even after I filed for divorce. Are people really that caught up in their own world that they don't realize how serious some people are?

I was doing just fine and making it on my own until my blood clot. After I lost my job I felt like I lost a part of me. Depression really started to set in then. It hasn't seemed to let us since that point.

Most of my worries at this point reside in finances. I realized yesterday that I have 3 months to come up with a down payment or first months rent/deposit for some place new to live. Then after that I have 2 months to come up with money for all of the things I need for the baby. Where is this money going to come from?

Each month I have to pick and choose what to pay. I have not paid a single credit card since February. I am kicking myself right now. I spent 9 years digging myself out of the whole I put myself in when I was 18. When I left Todd I had great credit. I was paying everything on time. I had no problems with what was going on. There was no picking and choosing what to pay - even without the child support coming in.

Maybe my depression is from the fact that I feel like everyone was right. Here I am once again putting myself into a hole. Here I am once again not able to make it on my own. Here I am once again in way over my head. Here I am once again a failure.

Yet the difference is this time - I am not looking for some guy to come and save me. So maybe I am not as big of a failure as I feel like because even if I am failing - I am doing it on my own. I don't need anyone to save me - I need to save myself and dig myself out.

Some days are really hard. The days I have to tell my children I would love to do that but can't because we can't afford it. How sad is it to tell your children you can't afford a donut or to go to the park (because of gas). I don't even share anymore because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I actually have started to avoid people because I hate hearing why don't you go here (example - many have suggested I drive to a movie theater in the city because it is a great view of the fireworks) or there or do this with the boys or that with the boys and I don't want to be honest with them about why I don't or more so can't.

I left my husband 10 months ago. I left my marriage in January. I struggle daily and he thrives (okay so maybe he isn't thriving but it feels like it most of the time). I sit in this tiny apartment and he has our house. I can't pay my bills and he is buying expensive toys for our son. I lost my lawyer and he is going to get everything he wanted and more. I can't pay for my medication and he is having no problems paying for his.

I have $1.08 to my name, no gas in my car, no money for my medication, no money for cough medicine for my son, and depression to boot. I keep on looking for the positive side of things but I am struggling to find it.

So please just pray that I find that positive.