Weekend

This blog is going to be scattered. My brain is still scattered so just try and bear with me on this day...

It wasn't a busy weekend for me. To be honest it never is a busy weekend for me. My weekend pretty much consisted of trying to keep my brain busy enough not to think about the events of Friday.

Jack came over on Friday night (Jack for those of you who don't know is the babies dad). He is not one for crying. It drives him nuts but I think it drives him nuts because he doesn't want to hear someone hurting; so I guess it isn't all bad. He asked me Friday afternoon if I wanted him to come over and I told him it was up to him because all I was probably going to be doing was crying and knowing how well he enjoyed that I wasn't going to ask him to come over. He showed up after work. I was still sitting on the couch crying. He kind of rubbed my head then sat down. Then asked me to come to him and just held me while I cried. He is the first guy I can remember who didn't try and fix what was wrong. He was just there.

I have been trying for at home jobs I can do while the kids are gone or sleeping. Found a few at home customer service reps and so on. Actually got accepted this weekend into one of them. Finished all the training and had to do the 25 1st calls to become accepted and I did that on Saturday and was accepted by Sunday. It does not pay the best but it is money coming in I guess. Plus I won't have to pay a sitter. At first you can only get guaranteed hours on the weekend - unless you sit there in the scheduler and someone cancels time and you are quick to grab it. Yet you can log in at anytime - just not promised any calls because they give them to those who are committed to that time first and foremost. It will be okay though. From just working a bit this weekend I made some money so I feel better about that overall. Not going to be the amount I need to be making but it is a start.

I know most of you have your family around you all the time so you don't get to be alone. Then when you are alone that time is just precious and you don't waste it. I feel as if my weekends are just wasted. The boys are not around. I do talk to Jack on Saturday and a lot of the times I get to see him as well but it isn't until after he is out of work. Yet most of the time right now I lay around doing nothing. I could be doing some cleaning. I could be doing laundry. I could be doing something constructive and yet I lay around - reading or watching TV. I leave my house so infrequently on the weekends. To be honest I can't even tell you the last time I left the house on a weekend.

I have this depression going on. Something I hide really well around others because if they knew they would worry. Yet it is there. I have always been good at hiding what really goes on inside of me. A few pick up on it here and there when it is so bad I can't hide it but after a few days I am able to just go on. Plus those who do pick up on it - I always blame it on something unrelated and they never have a clue.

How do you send a child off to get help for something no one around here can give? How do you help this child see it is for him and not just because no one loves him and no one wants him around? My son is a professional at sabotaging relationships and he learned this from me. He is going to once again feel abandoned and alone if he is accepted at this school. In the end though I know it is for his best. I don't even want to think about it though because it just makes me cry. I failed my son on every level you can as a parent. I had him young. I didn't raise him from 2.5 until 5. He was emotional abused and ignored and made to feel like the worse person alive for the past 9 years. He was or is being sexually abused. If someone can't help him and soon he is going to end up in jail, living on the streets or worse yet dead. He isn't going to get better living with family who do not know how to deal with this type of thing. His teachers are drained from all the time they put into him. My brother and sister-in-law are drained and it is hurting their marriage. He hates me and it is no wonder why and because of that - does everything to put me. I failed my son.