Another Day in the Life of Confusion...

This is just going to be another blog full of nothing. I have a lot running around in my brain the past couple of days and even though I have written some of it down - it is still all up there...

Just feeling like I am working through nothing lately. My past is all coming out. Jack will say things and he is joking but it brings back the past. I wish I could just forget it all like I used to do but that doesn't leave much of a person - just a shell.

About three weeks ago I realized how much I care about Jack. From the beginning I have really liked this guy. Have no idea why but I really did. Attempted to cut it off a couple of times with him actually but always went back to him. I drove my girlfriends nuts when I would cut it off with him and not talk to him - I was not a fun person to be around. All I did was cry. A man I barely knew and I felt like I was losing something huge from my life. Yet three weeks ago - I realized I loved him. I mean I really realized I wanted him in my life forever.

Even with everything that has gone on in my life I want him in my life forever?! Makes me wonder what the heck is inside of my head about right now.

In the movie "The Break-Up" there is a scene in the movie when Gary (Vince Vaughn) is talking to his friend the bartender. The friend says something along the lines of she gave you her all and she never had a chance - you never let anyone get close to you - so she never had a chance with you. That is the story of my life. I find men who can't/won't open up and give there heart.

So then I have to ask myself why do I stay? Why do I allow myself to get hurt and fall for this?

Before I was never told, "I have been hurt and I won't do it again." Yet Jack has been upfront and honest with me from the beginning. He has told me he doesn't want anything right now because of his past. So why didn't I protect myself?

So what do I do now is the question... Do I just keep on going with what we have now? Funny thing is I have no idea what we have right now. Do I distance myself from him? I don't want to but in the end would it save my heart?

You know my life is a wreck. My past has made me who I am and I can't stand it. I live with the fear of rejection. Yet maybe I picked him because I was rejected before I even had a chance with him. Can't be rejected by someone who tells you flat out you will have nothing.

While married I was rejected so much I put a wall up. I stopped asking for things I wanted or needed. I just hoped at some point they would happen - couldn't hurt from the excuses that way.

My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about time I asked for with him. I would hear things like, "I just spent last night with you and now you want more? You are a sponge who never fills up. I give you something and you want more and more and more. You are never satisfied with what you are given."

My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about sex when I tried to have it with him. I heard a lot of things about why we could not do it.

How do you move past the past? How do you not let it affect you anymore?

There are some things I won't ever bend on. I am a jealous person. I can't stand seeing husbands, wives, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends - flirting with others. I rips at the core of me. Why would you want to flirt with someone who doesn't belong to you (in so many words)? Why would you want to hurt the person you are with? I am a one man women and the guy I am with better be a one women man. I won't tolerate that stuff.

Porn - strippers - strip clubs - you go there and you lose a part of me. If it is for a friends bachelor party - you still lose a part of me. If you are with someone that should be the only person you want to see and want to be with and if you are afraid of what your friends will think by not going - it is your loss because you lose a part of me. I won't leave you in the physical sense of the word but emotionally and possible sexually you have lost me.

When I look over my life I have never been treated like a person should be. There was the occasional flowers or Christmas gift but the things that meant so much to me where never there.

Some lyrics come to mind and it is how I feel:

"I ain't settling for anything less than everything"

which is in the song Settlin' by Sugarland

and

"Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded

Waiting to wake up one day and find

That I've let all these years go by

Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing

The still of the morning, the color of the night

I ain't spending no more time

Wasted"

which is in the song Wasted by Carrie Underwood