What a Day...

I have been in tears most of this day. My oldest is home and I am back in tears. I have yelled at him two times today - just lost it those two times. The rest of the time it was just me talking to him about what was going on. Yet nothing seems to matter.

I have found out some interesting things about myself today. Apparently according to my parents I am selfish to think that people outside of my home will abide by the rules if the kids are grounded or in trouble. It seems that according to my dad it is his house and his rules and my rules don't matter.

It really hit me today how much I can't do this on my own. I can not handle my oldest son. He hates me and it shows with every breath he takes when he isn't getting his way.

All I asked today was for the boys to clean their room. It has been a non-stop battle since. I finally told them until it was clean - there is no TV or games. Then that is when the whole it doesn't matter I will just to go grandpa's because it is his house and his rules.

I really am doing this all on my own aren't I. I have had no help for the last 10 years and now here once again I am going to be starting from scratch and on my own.

The biggest complaint today is how much they hate it here. There is nothing to do. No kids to play with. No where to go to have fun. No money to do anything.

They are right - but it is all I can afford and that is stretching it even then. I don't have any extra money at the beginning, middle or end of the month. I never do. I can't take them to the movies, out to eat or some place fun. I don't have the money for it and yet Todd and who ever else in their life does.

Guess I am not really providing for them then am I...

I am just at a loss today...