I Am Blogging....

Just trying a new location - wanna read still - contact me and I will give you the updated site....

ingodsgracenow at gmail dot com

Crazy...

Life has been crazy - but I guess not any more crazy than normally.

Yesterday I got through 14 boxes from the basement. I know that sounds like a ton but these are all the boxes I got when Todd gave me some of my stuff.

Going to have a garage sale and in order to have one of those - I guess I need things to sell - so it is all the stuff from the basement. Well not all of it but.... My living room is a mess from it - I have a trash pile, a keep pile, a maybe pile and a sell pile.

I actually feel good about getting that much done yesterday. I am planning on getting 15 to 20 boxes done a day. Of course that number will vary greatly depending upon a daughter of mine!

My plan is to have a garage sale by the first weekend of June. We will see what happens with that!

There is so much more I want to write about but that will be another post...

BLOG....

The reminder was just given by a friend after getting back in touch with him after a long and hard phone conversation....

Why is life so hard? Maybe it isn't as hard as I think it is but it feels like it - especially at times like this...

I had to do parenting time coordination today. Nothing was resolved. Not a thing!

I in many ways was proud of myself for not backing down or giving up a single day! On the other hand we now need to go through a custody evaluation.

My fear is Adam will no longer live with me. I can see it happening. I can see me losing Adam.

I have to ready the house. I have to ready my life. I have to ready my heart and mind for the just in case.

I know that I might be told it is silly to worry about that because it might not happen but what if it does happen. Then what? I would lose it is I lost him...

Here is the kicker - Adam's dad does not feel I am a fit parent. His parents don't see me as a fit parent. My parents did a while ago and you know I am pretty sure they still don't feel I am fit.

I did have some issues. I admit that. I have been working on those issues and things are better.

I am bipolar and I have been in the hospital because of it before. It doesn't mean I am a bad person or a bad mom. It just means I needed more help at one point.

I am worried about this. I don't know how not to worry about it. I don't even know if that is the right word but I guess I just have to prepare...

Babies...

My oldest baby is 15. He is just like me; which is scary. At times I think he is worse than me. He has gone through so much, had a rough life and there is nothing anyone can do for him. He is a great kid who struggles with normal things. It does not matter how much anyone tries to help him - this is who he is - this is who he is choosing to be. Not only does he has these issues he is dealing with - he has the normal teen hormonal changes he is dealing with. At times I think he must feel like the world is out to get him; I know I did...

My middle baby is 9. He is like me in many ways but different at the same time. He has the caring and worrying about him like I do. I am sad though because I see him becoming more like his father every day. The narcissistic tendencies are coming out more and more and it is really sad. He has to have done whatever you have done or read about it. He must know more than you. It is like something compels him to be like this. I know where it comes from but how do you get that need, that urgency, that want to go away? It isn't healthy for him and it worries me to see him doing this. Who wants a known it all as a friend? You are never right, you can never be right, you can't carry on a conversation without an argument - it isn't any fun!

My youngest baby is 5 months old. Where did the time go for this little one? She is my light right now. At this point - I am what she needs. She needs me to survive still. I love the smile she gets when she sees me - even at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 AM. She is one of the lights in my day right now. I have some concerns with her but they are being addressed so what more could I ask for.

Then there is my fur baby. She is 4 months 3 weeks 5 days. She is a holy terror at times but overall she is the best dog! You can sit there with your face in her bowl while she is eating, take a bone out of her mouth while she is chewing it and she just licks you! I am very grateful (even though I want to pull my hair out when she is really acting like a puppy) we got her! Amazing temperament!

There are so many things I wish I had done differently with my babies but if I had - I wouldn't be the person I am today... Sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes a bad thing...

Does it make me crazy to want more? LOL

Am I a Blogger or Not?!

I love to write. I love to blog. I need to get things out to work things out. I am someone who must put it down in order to really sort through it.

So why did I stop blogging?

I seem to live in fear. Fear of saying things, fear of doing things, fear of what will happen if I speak my mind.

Where did all of this come from? How did I become this person living like this?

So for me - I want to get back to blogging. Life has it ups and downs and for me - to work through them - I need to write...

So keep your eyes open because Blogging Amy is back (I hope)...

Where is my Voice?

How do you find your voice when you are scared of someone? Even after being gone for all this time (20 months).

He called this morning and instantly I started to shake and get sick to my stomach.

We are supposed to be having parenting time coordination this week and he will get what he wants because I am so afraid of the repercussions of speaking out.

I have given in on everything. Maybe I haven't really - maybe that is just my perception of the way it has been. I really don't know anymore.

When I look back though - I have given in. I am just hurting inside because of the stress all of this has caused in my life.

I have rosacea. I hate being in public because of how I look. It gets worse anytime I have to deal with him. Anytime I get stressed over this. I don't want to do anything because of how I look. I make plans and then look at myself and cancel them.

When I look back - maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe what I felt was abuse really isn't abuse. This part of it is bad - and it is killing me slowly inside.

Relay for Life/Laps for Life

Each year Rockford holds a Relay for Life. Every year so far Meadow Ridge has participated in it. They do their best to get all of their students involved with their teachers.

This year though the 3rd grade teachers are taking a slot that is during the night. So they are holding a "Laps for Life" for their class.

Tomorrow the kids will be walking around the soccer field for a hour. They are doing their laps for the Relay to earn money to help find a cure.

As some of you may know my Dad was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. Because of this Adam really wants to help.

If anyone would like to pledge per lap please let me know. We have to turn the funds in by May 2nd.

Adam believes he will be able to do about 15 to 20 laps in the hour they are given!

Please let me know. Even if you decide to pledge after it is over but it is before the 1st of May - he would be happy he did his part.

Thanks everyone!
Amy and Adam

Long Time No Posting....

I have not posted here in a long while now. So long that a lot has gone on but today I was brought here by yesterdays events....

They boys are now in therapy. Well Kyle has been for a while but Adam this is new for him. He seems to do well with it. We have had two sessions and his first one he was a bit apprehensive. Last night though he did well and opened up and talked to him.

Our lives before were kind of a living hell. Not for Adam - he had the perfect life. Mom loved him. Dad loved him. Brother hated him. Okay maybe not so perfect but his life was not like Kyle and mine was.

Adam is scared to be alone with his brother. I am going to rearrange my house this weekend. Isabella is going to somehow be in my room. Adam is going into Isabella's room and Kyle is staying put.

Kyle is a big bully who is great at mental/emotional abuse. He hates his brother - has found a weakness and just needles away at him.

I laid in bed last night just crying. Adam said some things to Tom that scared me. Scared me because it is what I have heard come from Todd's mouth before. Kind of took Todd back but hey not sure he will associate the two.

How do you fix a child whom is so broken from all he has gone through. All I have put him through. All I have let happen to him. I have not been a good mother to him. Now I want to be but at times I am afraid it is to late.

I see Kyle ending up in prison if he keeps on this path. He is abusive in many ways. He is carrying on the cycle that has been done to him.

He has so much wrong with him that no one here can help him. He goes to therapy but the therapist says he does not see much change. He doesn't really talk to him - he is at that age.

What do I as a parent do? I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure.

Game Shows...

Well last night was "The Moment of Truth" show. I missed the beginning of it but I think it was pretty much - you answers so many questions prior to the show on a lie detector. Then when they are on stage so many of the questions are picked and they have to re-answer them.

Now they have family, friends, co-workers that sit there in front of them. Each question gets more and more personal. They have no idea which question is going to be picked from the ones they answered earlier.

Okay - a few people said to me, "Why would you want to go on this show. Can you imagine what it does to the relationships of the people on it?"

Here is my questions/thoughts of the day....

How honest are you supposed to be in a relationship?

I am beginning to think that it isn't the rule of thumb. I am beginning to think that no one is honest with their mate.

What would the fear be of going on that show - if you have always been honest with the people in your life? Is honesty now a fault?

I know some don't tell the truth because they don't want to hurt someone or get into a fight or so on... I have heard it all - I have had the excuses myself.

Except recently I decided truth is what matters. I need to be honest 100% with those in my life because if I am not - I might as well just stamp failure on it right now.

Of course some of the things I do - they have consequences; as does everyone.

So is being 100% honest - needed? What do you think?

Differences....

It is probably the lack of sleep I have been getting that makes me over think. Yet at those times things seem to make sense...

Relationships are a tricky thing. Just loving someone does not make it work.

You are allowed to be different, you are allowed to have differences; it is what makes the world go round.

Yet at the same time if your core values, your beliefs are not the same; how can you possible make it work without someone hurting all the time?

My marriage failed. It failed because I changed and he did not. He said he changed but I never saw it. I can't say what was in his heart but when someone changes most see it. You would think the one who loved you would see it.

I am struggling with this now. The person I am in love with - is truly the best thing that has ever walked into my life. He treats me with respect. He helps me on all levels. He really does love me. I just see it.

Yet the one thing I said I would never go without in another relationship - is not there and I don't ever see it being there.

God

I guess I don't even know right now what the thoughts are fully. I know that how I see some things; he does not.

Here is the thing - I am a sinner. I sin daily. At the same time though there are things that have been instilled in me due to my faith and beliefs and so because of that I end up hurt.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am, how great he is, and it goes on. I do believe that because no one has ever treated me like this before.

So what am I even talking about this for; because what happens when I get hurt down the road because I ignore the one thing I said I would never go without in a relationship?

Maybe I am looking to hard into something that will never happen?

I am a sensitive person and I get hurt by things that people do an say (as does everyone). These things though should be hurtful according to the Lord because they should not happen.

At times I think I blow things out of proportion and then when I am praying/meditating I find I am not. Yet for a person who does not have faith or for a person who does not see their faith like I do - I am blowing things up.

I heard that often while married. You would think I would have learned to run when faith does not match and yet I didn't. I allowed myself to fall in love yet again with someone whose faith does not match mine.

So now what?

I have told him before how I feel but I am sure he just does not understand. It is hard to understand something when you don't believe the same thing.

It is hard to change or want to change when you don't believe there needs to be a change.

So who ends up hurt? Right now I guess that would be me...