Differences....

It is probably the lack of sleep I have been getting that makes me over think. Yet at those times things seem to make sense...

Relationships are a tricky thing. Just loving someone does not make it work.

You are allowed to be different, you are allowed to have differences; it is what makes the world go round.

Yet at the same time if your core values, your beliefs are not the same; how can you possible make it work without someone hurting all the time?

My marriage failed. It failed because I changed and he did not. He said he changed but I never saw it. I can't say what was in his heart but when someone changes most see it. You would think the one who loved you would see it.

I am struggling with this now. The person I am in love with - is truly the best thing that has ever walked into my life. He treats me with respect. He helps me on all levels. He really does love me. I just see it.

Yet the one thing I said I would never go without in another relationship - is not there and I don't ever see it being there.

God

I guess I don't even know right now what the thoughts are fully. I know that how I see some things; he does not.

Here is the thing - I am a sinner. I sin daily. At the same time though there are things that have been instilled in me due to my faith and beliefs and so because of that I end up hurt.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am, how great he is, and it goes on. I do believe that because no one has ever treated me like this before.

So what am I even talking about this for; because what happens when I get hurt down the road because I ignore the one thing I said I would never go without in a relationship?

Maybe I am looking to hard into something that will never happen?

I am a sensitive person and I get hurt by things that people do an say (as does everyone). These things though should be hurtful according to the Lord because they should not happen.

At times I think I blow things out of proportion and then when I am praying/meditating I find I am not. Yet for a person who does not have faith or for a person who does not see their faith like I do - I am blowing things up.

I heard that often while married. You would think I would have learned to run when faith does not match and yet I didn't. I allowed myself to fall in love yet again with someone whose faith does not match mine.

So now what?

I have told him before how I feel but I am sure he just does not understand. It is hard to understand something when you don't believe the same thing.

It is hard to change or want to change when you don't believe there needs to be a change.

So who ends up hurt? Right now I guess that would be me...

Christmas...

Ahhh it is getting to be time for the Christmas season...

It has been a very stressful week for me. I have been dealing with Todd and his insanity. I am doing my best to be fair and give him what he wants but it just isn't going to happen.

I am being fair but it isn't going to be what he wants and to be honest - I am at the point of not caring. I tried to get in touch with him and work with him all the way back in October and he refused to do so. That isn't my fault and I am not going to feel bad about it anymore.

At first I was feeling guilty about it but not anymore. He made his choices and now because of them - he isn't going to have Adam for his whole family Christmas. The schedule is fair to Adam because it splits his time 50/50 between Todd and myself.

All I can ask is that people pray because this visitation stuff is getting more and more mucked up. He is never happy with what is offered and then blames me. I can't deal with it anymore.

I am going to put myself in labor early. I have been having contractions like mad. During the day they are very sporadic but at night - I have them about every 15 minutes or so.

Parenting

This is how I feel by the end of most days. I would just like to pull my hair out.

I am not the best parent in the world. I am more than aware of this.

I say things and do things that I should not in front of my children. I open my mouth and spew things out and then go what the hell was I thinking when I did that.

I know that one of my biggest problems is that I say to much to my boys. Actually not both of them but to my oldest one.

He knows his dad is gone out of the country. He understands it is partly because his dad no longer wanted to pay child support for him. Should he know this - probably not and yet he does. He also know how stressful he makes the world for others. He understands his anger and lack of motivation frustrate the hell out of people.

Just to give you an idea as to what goes on or doesn't go on. He comes home from school today and asks me what toothbrush is his. What are you serious? I send you into the bathroom every morning and every evening and you have had the same toothbrush for about 5 months now and you have no idea which one is yours?

So I ask him if he has not been brushing his teeth and he admits he has not been. Then after I tell him what toothbrush is his - he goes and looks at it - and then goes to his room.

ALL WITHOUT BRUSHING HIS TEETH!

Then tonight I find he has sold a bike that does not belong to him. His typical response, "I am stupid" Okay well no one in this house tells him he is stupid. He has been told that choices he has made are not wise ones and sometimes stupid ones (not from me)but he has never been told he is stupid. As a matter of fact when he calls himself stupid he is corrected. Yet tonight - I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to say yes you are being stupid. Of course I did not though.

What in the heck goes on in that brain of his? I just don't get it.

Then he is yelling at me and arguing with me over what he did. So I send him to his room until he can talk to me with respect in his voice instead of the ton of disrespect he is using. Of course then it is my fault and so on.

As he is going he lets me know he has $60 to spend at Grandma's and he will just get the money from her. Ummmmm - great. So I call my mom to find out how much money he has (cause I am guessing he isn't going to be buying the bike back for what he sold it for). I find out he has $15 left out of his money. Great, probably not going to be enough money. Then she proceeds to tell me how the other parents are not good parents because how can you let a kid come home with two bikes and not explain them.

She is ALWAYS looking for ways to make the other people involved be the bad people. Not Kyle; nothing wrong with Kyle; nothing he did was wrong, etc. Of course she says well he can have the money but he has to be the one to call them and get the bike back.

Well no shit - I am not going to be the one who calls up this kid and says, "You need to sell the bike back to my son for what you bought it for." Duh!

This is my life. This is my daily life. I get frustrated so darn fast with his stupidity. I really do. I keep on wondering what line I was standing in when God handed out the patience's because I have zero when it comes to Kyle at this point. I try and try and try and yet each and every day he proves to me how many things he can do that are just lacking in the thinking department and I lose it - immediately.

God help me because at this point - his anger, destruction, lack of respect - are killing me.

Hard Decisions...

Everyone in life has hard decisions to make. No one can judge how difficult something is for someone else; especially if they are not in their shoes.

I left what I considered to be an abusive relationship. Maybe others did not feel it was but I felt it was. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him.

In the time it took me to get the courage up to leave him; he became sick. His leg started to have issues and we dealt with many doctors and specialists. At the time I left I had no idea what he had. They had ruled out ALS (Lou-Gehrig's Disease) and were leaning towards MS. I though didn't really believe it; still felt it might be ALS.

I am not a doctor but in my gut - I had a feeling. Then earlier this year he was diagnosed with it. I had not even been gone a year.

It was not easy to walk out the door with feeling like something more than MS was going on with him. Yet I had to do it.

Now here I am going through a divorce and being made to feel guilty by him. He is alone and I abandoned him in his time of need.

We all have difficult decisions that have to be made. Some are more difficult than others but they are each persons difficulties.

What do you do with those guilty feelings though after all is said and done? Some days are harder than others but how do you make it through...