My boys....

So I have two boys. My oldest is 14 years old and my youngest is 8 years old. Neither of them have the same dad and the current child doesn't either.

My oldest son has been put through everything at a young age. When he was about 2.5 he went to live with my parents because of issues I had. I let him go and live there since I was not right. When he was around 5 he really started to be back in my life. He moved back in with me around 6. He has been with me since - well at least until current situations occurred. He has been living with my brother and sister-in-law since February.

Some of the things my child has had to deal with:
1. Being abandoned by me
2. Being abandoned by his birth father
3. Ignored by his step-father
4. Punishment all the time by his step-father and then me
5. Suspected sexual abuse - now being confirmed with suspicion of it happening coming from my brother and sister-in-law

This is just a mild description of what his life has been like. I didn't go into any details so it might not make sense.

My youngest son has had a totally different life. He has been given the world on a silver platter covered in gold. He has always been the star child. Never in trouble (well not by his dad at least). Always believed and never accused of lying. Anything he has wanted he has had to work for (for about a week until it was handed to him).

About a year and a half ago I was desperate to find a school for him to go to that could help him. I knew it was not good for him to be in our home but when I started to talk about it - my idea was shunned (so to speak). It was brought out about the things I was doing wrong, how I was adding to the problem, how I needed to change and so on. Don't get me wrong I knew I was adding to the problems but with how my marriage was already going I didn't know what else to do other than to just agree with my husband. I was a horrible mom. I never showed my oldest son love or affection. I never gave him the benefit of the doubt. I never fought for him because when I did I was the one who was punished. I let him hurt and want to die and never did a thing for him. So because it became obvious how bad I was and how I needed to change - I just dropped the whole thing about him going somewhere. I could not afford any place I was finding and I had no financial or emotional support.

My brother sent me an email today. Him and my sister-in-law can't have him there anymore. They want me to consider sending him to a school I had not looked at before. I know nothing about it - I read about it but it doesn't really give information about the year. Things like holidays or phone calls or visitation or when they are home - if ever. I just want my son to get well. I screwed him up, his life has been hard, no positive male role models who have loved and cared about him, now potential sexual abuse (actually I have confronted his dad about this a few times and it just blows up in my face because my son would not admit to it), and so much more.

How is it - here I am 32 years old. Have my first son at 18 years old - a child myself. Not ready for it and it showed. I screwed up in many ways and hurt him in many ways. Have my second son just before I turned 23. A completely different mom. Loved him and gave him affection. Here I am again pregnant and my first son probably hates me. I keep on having children when I don't know how to love him and treat him.

I have a lot of guilt about this stuff. He is probably going to feel unloved yet again. Sending him off to get better - yes we all see it; all us adults - but how could a 14 year old child see that? That is one of my worries now. Of course I just want him to get well - I don't want him to have the life I had - I want a happy, healthy, loving, non self-destructing boy.

God please help me because rigt now all I can do is cry.