Craziness

I have a few blogs around here but none of them have been updated in a long time now. I decided to start a new one because I am not sure I want to be found. If someone finds me whom I know it will be okay but I am not out looking for it.

I left my husband on August 24, 2006. It was a rainy night actually. He left to go and play golf and it was only sprinkling at that point. My girlfriend came over and helped me get a few things out of the house - put the kids in the car as it started to pour - and we left for a women's shelter.

Since that time a lot of things have gone on that I am sure I will get to talking about sooner or later. Yet since the point I left my life has been full of craziness.

I have realize what kind of person I was and who I am becoming. I have seen where I went wrong with my children. I have seen where I have gone wrong in general.

My husband was and is a manipulator. He uses our youngest son to make me feel bad. He uses him to make my mind twist and turn and I lose track of what sanity I have. We left over 9 months ago and he still was able to control me.

When I left him I believed in God and I still do but not like I did. I have lost faith in many ways. It isn't His fault though - He never faltered or stepped away - it was I who did that. But still I question how He could allow things like this to happen to people. God has always allowed bad things to happen to people but those who have so much faith still believe in Him. So does that mean I am not one of those people?

I have been trying to sort through all of the things that go on and it isn't easy. When I look in the mirror all I hear are those things he said to me. I struggle daily with the things inside my head. I am sure I will never be normal in that aspect - I work on it and replacing what I hear and see but I am not sure it will ever be gone.

So for those of you who stumble across this - welcome. This is pretty much just going to be a dissection of my life as I know it - the craziness in my world - and where (if ever) will I find my home...