September 15, 2007

Does anyone know what today is?

I would have been celebrating 7 years of marriage today.

Instead I look at my bank account and wonder how am I going to provide what the boys needs.
Instead I look around my apartment and wonder how I let myself end up here.
Instead I look at myself and think about how far behind on bills I am and wonder why it has to be this way.

Instead of celebrating this day - I will spend it trying to figure out how to fix what has gone so wrong over the past year and how to prevent ever ending up in a divorce again...

He Still Makes Me Feel Crazy....

My day so far has been full of tears. I got two voicemails from Todd letting me know if I wanted to follow him out there I was more than welcome to and then another one addressing the message I left him yesterday.

He changes our conversations to fit what he needs at the moment.

We have to be to the farm today at 1 PM. Why would I tell him I would be to Grattan at 12:30 to pick Adam up at 12:30 when it is a 30 minute drive from my apartment? I wouldn't and yet he is telling me that is what I agreed to.

When we talked on Tuesday evening I asked him if he would have an issue getting Adam to me by 12:30 on Sunday because we needed to leave the apartment no later than that to make it in time. His response not a problem.

Then by the time we left the library he had left three messages saying how it would be much more helpful if I could come and pick Adam up from Grattan for him so he didn't have to rush to get him to me - he would really appreciate it. I told him I would think about it.

I called yesterday and told him I don't have the gas money to be able to do it and he would need to have Adam to me by 12:30. He never called me back until this morning when he left the two messages and changed all he had to say.

He still makes me feel as if I am crazy but I know I am not. I would not have agreed to pick Adam up at 12:30 at Grattan - I told Adam if I was picking him up it would be at 12. He told me earlier in the week he told me he would not have Adam to me by 12:30 if I didn't come and pick him up. He changed our whole conversations.

I got upset - started to cry (still am) and started to raise my voice because I am so tired of it.

I flat out told him if there is anything important going from now on - he isn't getting Adam for that weekend anymore. I am tired of dealing with all of this stuff. He would not take Adam for a haircut for my grandpas funeral but I could not come and get him to do it. Now all of this. His world revolves around him.

I am changing the visitation schedule to Friday to Sunday and Wednesday evenings (not overnight). I have had enough and soon it might go to every other weekend. I am tired of being walked all over.

I have asked him to just let this divorce be over with but he won't agree to anything he doesn't want to (I get nothing and he gets it all plus full custody of Adam). I have sat back forever and just let him have his way and now no more. I am tired of it.

Frustration

I left my husband over 10 months ago now. It hasn't been easy but when I left - I told him why I was leaving and what he had to do in order for us to come back home. He never read the whole letter - said it was just a repeat of what I always said and there was no need for him to read the whole thing.

It is a shame that he never read the whole letter. It really was to be the starting point of where things went for our marriage. Either he understood why the things needed to be done or he decided he didn't care and the marriage was over.

For 10 months now he has thought that this is just a break. Being apart would fix what went wrong with us. This is even after I filed for divorce. Are people really that caught up in their own world that they don't realize how serious some people are?

I was doing just fine and making it on my own until my blood clot. After I lost my job I felt like I lost a part of me. Depression really started to set in then. It hasn't seemed to let us since that point.

Most of my worries at this point reside in finances. I realized yesterday that I have 3 months to come up with a down payment or first months rent/deposit for some place new to live. Then after that I have 2 months to come up with money for all of the things I need for the baby. Where is this money going to come from?

Each month I have to pick and choose what to pay. I have not paid a single credit card since February. I am kicking myself right now. I spent 9 years digging myself out of the whole I put myself in when I was 18. When I left Todd I had great credit. I was paying everything on time. I had no problems with what was going on. There was no picking and choosing what to pay - even without the child support coming in.

Maybe my depression is from the fact that I feel like everyone was right. Here I am once again putting myself into a hole. Here I am once again not able to make it on my own. Here I am once again in way over my head. Here I am once again a failure.

Yet the difference is this time - I am not looking for some guy to come and save me. So maybe I am not as big of a failure as I feel like because even if I am failing - I am doing it on my own. I don't need anyone to save me - I need to save myself and dig myself out.

Some days are really hard. The days I have to tell my children I would love to do that but can't because we can't afford it. How sad is it to tell your children you can't afford a donut or to go to the park (because of gas). I don't even share anymore because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I actually have started to avoid people because I hate hearing why don't you go here (example - many have suggested I drive to a movie theater in the city because it is a great view of the fireworks) or there or do this with the boys or that with the boys and I don't want to be honest with them about why I don't or more so can't.

I left my husband 10 months ago. I left my marriage in January. I struggle daily and he thrives (okay so maybe he isn't thriving but it feels like it most of the time). I sit in this tiny apartment and he has our house. I can't pay my bills and he is buying expensive toys for our son. I lost my lawyer and he is going to get everything he wanted and more. I can't pay for my medication and he is having no problems paying for his.

I have $1.08 to my name, no gas in my car, no money for my medication, no money for cough medicine for my son, and depression to boot. I keep on looking for the positive side of things but I am struggling to find it.

So please just pray that I find that positive.

Lay it on the Line...

As of tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant. It isn't my soon to be ex's. I am still married. The guy knows I am still married. I am going through a divorce though (not that it makes much different).

About three months ago I gave up on my marriage. I left almost 10 months ago now but I still kept the hope that he would see what had walked out the door. So yes three months ago - I truly gave up on my marriage. I didn't want it anymore. I wasn't willing to try anymore. I was tired of being the one to do it all. So I gave up.

About three months ago my grandpa also died. I sat in my parents living room watching him and my grandma and seeing the love they have for each other. Wow was that amazing to see. He isn't a full fledged romantic but deep down he was. The letters he used to write to his mom when the two of them were courting blow your mind away. He really was in love. Through the years he would do little things for her just to say I love you. I remember one Valentines day - he gave her a box of Cracker Jacks (If you do not know what cracker jacks are - it is kind of like crunch 'n munch but in a small box with a prize at the bottom of it). What he put into this box was sweet - he had bought her a gold ring - worked with whomever to get the gold ring in the little prize package - in the box. He put it on the table Valentines day morning and said to her, "Happy Valentines Day Lois." She didn't bother opening it and when he came in for lunch it was still sitting on the table so he told her she needed to eat it for lunch. She did and got to the bottom of the box and was feeling the package and she goes, "Skip did you get me a condom? We don't need those anymore." He just laughed and she opened it and saw the ring. Mind you there were probably in their mid-60's at this point. He just loved her so much. The pain in my grandma's eyes watching my grandpa fade off - was very heart wrenching. Yet knowing she loved him so much and had all those years.

I gave up thinking I would ever be as lucky as those who truly find love and have that at the end of their life. I gave up on my marriage. I slept with a man and got pregnant.