Jumbled Post...

So this post probably won't make sense to many but I have had so much running through my head for the last day.

I went to see the movie "Facing the Giants" tonight. What an awesome movie! If you only get to see one movie this year - pick this one. It is a wonderful, moral, Christian movie. Truly amazing.

I feel as if I am back in the grieving process. Today has been a really rough night. Actually it all started last night. I realized how mad and angry I am. So that in turn makes me really sad.

I have decided my marriage as it was is over. There is nothing to go back to and to be honest I don't want to go back.

I am struggling to love Todd right now and someone said to me sometimes you need to let things die so they can be reborn (not exact wording).

To be honest it isn't even a struggle - I just plain don't love him right now.

That kills me. My husband; the man the Lord placed me with - I don't love.

I don't have that first love to look back upon though. We never had a courtship to look back at and remember. We moved to fast to have that. We did things the wrong way.

We talked online from the end of October until November 6th. We went on our first date November 6th. I moved into his apartment a couple days later. We did not live together as boyfriend/girlfriend the first week (sad really). Then after about two weeks we kissed and the rest is history; as they say.

I was confused and just diagnosed as being bipolar. I had a reason for my insanity but still wasn't well. I was into self injury. I was into self destruction. I zoned out and was someone else. I lied. I pushed everyone away. I was not well.

I didn't love myself so how in the heck could I love anyone else?

When I got pregnant we should have split up. We should have let it all go but instead we made each other miserable. We hated each other and we held nothing back to let the other person know that.

God has graced me with love for Todd once and I believe He can grace our marriage again. Yet it is not going to be the marriage we had before. I do not want the marriage we had before because it wasn't Godly and I do not want it.

I want to let it die. I need to let it go. If the Lord wants us to be married; we will be married. He will create us a marriage from the ground up. He will bring life to the dead and that includes dead marriages.

I have a lot of guilt right now. Guilt over leaving my husband. Guilt over weather or not I did everything possible to make it work. Guilt over being angry. Guilt over all I want.

I am grieving it all. I can't even see pregnant women right now. I break down crying. Seeing babies pulls at my heart. Why is that? I am not grieving the loss of a child - it is my marriage that died...

It has been a crazy couple of days but I know if my marriage is going to be brought back to life the Lord will do it!