To My Anonymous Commenter...

I hope this doesn't sound mean but it probably will.

I have been willing and have been showing sacrificial love.

When I first found my most favorite site in the world (www.themarriagebed.com/boards) our marriage was a mess (pretty sad to think it is better now). We had not had sex in a 3 months when I found it and 5 months when I started posting and it went on for 255 days. During that time I asked him if he used porn and he admitted to it. During that time I caught him masturbating many times after I had tried to have sex with him.

Over a year ago I told him the porn had to stop and he needed to get help or I was going to leave. He made it impossible for me to leave. He started to charge me for 1/2 of everything in the house (I am on disability and my whole check is 1/2 of our mortgage payment) plus what I was already paying for. I dropped it and never addressed it again.

I have asked him many times to read books with me so I can learn how to be a better wife and his response is much the same each time. What I read and my reasons behind it are up to me and for me to choose.

I have read or working through:
Love & Respect
For Women Only
The Five Love Languages
The Power of a Praying Wife (and study book)
The Excellent Wife (and study book)
Sheet Music
Intimate Issues
Boundaries in Marriage
Captivating
Wild at Heart
Every Man's Battle
A Wife after God's own Heart
Marriage on the Rock
The Power of a Positive Wife
Fight Fair!

There are many other books I have read or have alone with CD's from Jimmy Evans on communication and other things... Anyway - the point is I have been trying to learn over the past two plus years.

When I found TMB I was there to change my husband because he was the refuser and I was desperate to fix my marriage. I did a lot of changing and I continue to change. Thank you very much for the advice.

Yet over the past two plus years I have not made any choices without praying and hearing from God first on the issue.

I do pray for my marriage. I carry the mini prayer book with me from The Power of a Praying Wife in my purse; it is with me each and every place I am.

It might seems like I am expecting my husband to change so I an survive but this isn't an issue of him making my life miserable with attitude. He has physically abused me for 9 years off and on. He has emotionally abused me and my children for 8.5 years. He has verbally abused me off and on for 9 years. This is not something I just woke up and decided to leave because I wasn't happy.

I asked him numerous times to go and get help with me and he has refused. The problem and issue is mine and mine alone. I have accepted that and done the changing. If it had only been me I probably would still be in the house with my husband. Yet when my oldest son was brought into it and when the Lord opened my eyes to how much I was allowing to happen and damage him I knew enough was enough.

I do pray for my husband; daily, hourly. Anytime he comes to mind; I pray. Anytime something reminds me of him; I pray.

Our marriage is a lot better than it was in 1997 thru June of 2004 (which by the way is when I picked up the book The Power of a Praying Wife; which is what truly brought me to Christ in the first place). Yet it is not healthy and I do believe the Lord can change our marriage; with a willing heart from my husband as well. It does not mean though that I need to sit back and take the abuse and let my children be abused.

Thank you for your comments and God bless.