One Set of Letters

Dear Todd,

I listened to your voice-mail like I said I would and now I am going to respond to it like I said I would.

I want this marriage to work. I have not always been good at showing that and I am sorry for that. Although I have been working on changing me and my behaviors and reactions for over two in a half years now. I would hope that you have seen that as a willingness to make our marriage work. In order for it to work we need to created a partnership in which God is the primary focus for us. Right now I do not feel that we as a couple have that.

We do have things we need to work out and I am aware of that. Yet at the same time I have realized I have never had boundaries with anyone. So right now I am working on establishing those. I walked out of the restaurant yesterday because you kept on crossing some that I have created. It was not fair of me to not warn you of that fact and for that I am sorry but I am not sorry for walking out.

You said you were sorry if your opinion was hurting me. It was not an opinion you presented to me yesterday or this past Thursday when we met. It was presented as a fact. Your opinion would go more like, "Amy I feel as if you are playing games because of an issue you did not get your way on. It is something I have seen from you in the past and I still expect it today but that is just how I feel." An opinion is not telling someone they are wrong and replacing what they are saying. I told you four to five times yesterday that this is not a game and you would cut me off and tell me it was a game I started and I needed to finish. You would state that I didn't get my way and now I am throwing a fit to get my way. Those are not opinions because Todd that is not how I feel about this issue.

For me; from my point of view - this is not a game. We are on the verge of not being married anymore and that is not a game in my book. This is not about me not getting my way this is about our marriage and needing to repair a broken relationship.

If you are serious about wanting to work through our issues then from now on we need to do it with a third party present (preferable a Christian Therapist). I do not feel as if I am being heard at these lunches we are having and that makes me feel very frustrated. You are crossing boundaries I am trying to establish between me and others; and that includes you. We both have things we need to say and work through and I am willing to do that but only with someone else present. I am willing to pay for 1/2 of our sessions if you are. I went against what I had wanted to do in the first place to try and compromise (which was therapy with you) but that compromise is not working well for me. I have tried - twice and now I think we need to take a different approach to this.

I love you and I want this marriage to work. We have things we need to work on and I am willing but only with a third party at this point. If that is not acceptable to you please let me know.

Love,
Amy
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Hi Amy,I want this marriage to work too. God knows, I have been trying to make “us” work for the past 8 years. It has been a very long and tiring road and you have to pardon me, but I’ve grown fairly weary after 8 years of conflict.

I did not meet you for lunch to discuss any of our issues or debate our positions on any of them. I did not wish to work on ANYTHING over lunch. I simply met with you to try and keep some sort of dialog going between us and determine what we need to do to start moving forward. Somehow that whole point got missed and we ended up debating with each other. Like you indicated, we should save those discussions for a time when we have a third-party present.

Regardless, that did not give you the right to simply get up and walk out on me without so much as telling me that you were leaving. You placed your order already and the restaurant had started to make it. They had to throw it away. I felt terrible for cancelling our orders and apologized multiple times to the waitress.

I am sorry that you felt I was stating anything as a fact. From my perspective it is a fact, so that must have come across in the way that I spoke to you. From your perspective it may not be a fact and I fully acknowledge that. We don’t have to debate that. We just have to agree that we don’t agree with each other.

After two attempts to meet with you and put a plan of action together, I am no longer convinced that anything can be achieved over lunch.

I would be willing to pay half the cost for counseling, as long as it is within reason. It might take a couple of interviews or initial sessions to find someone that we are both comfortable with. So we should probably get started as soon as possible. To be fair to both of us, we should probably find someone who does not have any prior knowledge of our issues and meet with them for the first time together. That way neither of us feels like the other person has tried to “stack the deck” in their favor.

If you have an idea of where to start, please let me know and I will find time in my schedule to meet.
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Todd,

The first thing that has to be done is a call needs to be made to the insurance company to find out if they cover it and who they suggest we go to. They probably won't pay for any of it but we still need to let them know in case whomever we end up with tries to bill the insurance company.

If you would like me to take care of that please let me know and I will make the call on Monday morning.

As for what you wrote about it being a fact from your perspective - on your voicemail you said you were sorry your opinion hurt me and now you are calling it a fact. Either way; telling someone why they did something, how they feel and what they think is not appropriate and it is crossing boundaries I am setting for myself. I am asking you not to do it anymore or I will walk away again.

I am also going to ask that we hold off on the Adam/Kyle decision until after we find someone we both agree upon. I do not feel comfortable making any major decisions until we are speaking and can communicate. I am sorry if this makes you mad or upset but it is what I am asking.

Again please let me know if you want to schedule this or if you would like me to. I am asking that it be a Christian therapist who uses a Biblical basis for therapy. I also want to let you know I do not have a problem with it being someone who neither of us knows or has spoken to.

Love,
Amy
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Amy,

So basically, what you are saying is that you are not going to let me have equal time with Adam.

Is that correct?

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Amy,

In regard to therapy, feel free to call the insurance company on Monday and find out whatever information you can. Please let me know what you find out.

When you are talking to them and they are suggesting therapists, indicate to them that we would like to find someone on the North side of town, as I do not want to be driving long distances in rush-hour traffic. Perhaps you should ask for a couple of references, so we don’t have to keep calling them back if things don’t work out and we need to move on. If we have a list of options, we can handle that ourselves.
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