Another Saturday...

It is about 7:30 and once again I am awake. I have been awake for a while now. Just getting up and about though.

I called Todd last night and I find that once again I am making all the effort. He has a wall up and is working on organizing the house.

I am kind of angry and sad today. I need to call because if he thinks it will be it will be a long while before we get help then I am going to put Adam in Rogue Wood because I can't afford to drive him back and forth every day with a job. I can if I have a part time job but if I get a full time job I won't be able to do that. He will need to be able to ride the bus.

He has not even asked to see the boys. He told me he put walls up and maybe he does not want them to come down.

I am getting a computer today. I also need to get some female things - like a new bra. My old one had the underwire snap - it is pinching me and I need a new one.

Last night was a really rough night for me. I found myself hating going to bed. I go into a single bed, alone and there is no one there. I am depressed. I am missing my husband and his arms. I miss his voice and his smell. I miss him. I want him to love me so much that he wants this stuff to be a priority but it isn't. I woke up a few times last night reaching for him. How heart breaking to realize he isn't there and I can't even get out of bed to go to him.

I miss my husband. I miss my marriage. I miss my house. I miss a lot of things. Not much I can do about them now though.