It is Late....

I am working on my list of primary concerns. As I put them all down they seem endless. How long have we stuffed all these things. How have I allowed the stuffing to go on for so long? I have allowed our marriage to get to this state.

I have allowed him to say things are not an issues and then I throw a fit and drop it. I have allowed him to walk all over me and my feelings and tell me how I feel and what I am thinking and why I am doing thing. I have added to all these problems we have.

We have almost been together now for 9 years and I was always so afraid he would leave me. I was always so afraid someone would find out how bad it was but not believe me or blame me. I used to always live in fear.

Then something in me snapped. It truly took me snapping three or four times before I really broke though. Something in me told me non of this was okay.

The excuses, the faking, the level of commitment, the communication, the abuse, the lack of boundaries, the lack of respect, the lying, the past, the way the boys are treated and so on.

The Lord showed me I was wrong to live in fear of Todd and I knew I was in sin. I knew I had to stop it. I tried by asking for him to go get help with me. He refused and so I took the next step. I left the house with the boys.

Did I want to do that? No not really but I had no idea what else to do anymore. He threw a remote at me (the closet) and left a bruise. He pushed Kyle to the ground (he tripped over his feet). He refused to talk to me about what I felt were valid issues.

I feel as if I am asking for to much. Is it to much to want a marriage like the Lord designed it to be? I know we are all individuals. I know we are all different. I know we all have to make compromises. So am I asking or hoping for too much?I believe my marriage can make it.

I believe the Lord can raise it from where it is. I am struggling with my attitude though right now. So I am asking; if you are reading this and if you are praying - pray for me to have the ability to love my husband through all of this because right now I am struggling with all of that.