Today is a day from God (isn't every day though)...

What a day...

I was told by a friend today that she is proud of me. She said, "Amy you have put up with this stuff for a real long time. I am sorry you are going through all of this but I am proud of you for leaving." She was in my life for a long time and was one of the few who really knew what was going on. We had some issues last year because I was honest with a man in her life. He asked me a question and I didn't lie for her with the answer. She wrote me a note and I responded but I never heard back from her. Then a few months later she sent me a card and I sent her an email. We saw each other at the races and we have kind of talk off and on since then...

It was nice to hear from someone who knows. Who has seen and heard and I did not feel as if I am making this stuff up in my head.

I feel like that a lot of the time. Like I am just imagining these things. Or that they really are not as bad as I feel they are. Is that a normal thing?

We have our first therapist session on the 21st. I am excited about it but nervous as well. We were in therapy before and our therapist dumped us (so to speak). We were getting no where other than him feeling it was all my fault. He would talk about nothing in his life or how he felt he was contributing to our issues.

I keep on praying that this time will be different. I keep on praying that we will make progress and get somewhere. I keep on praying that this therapist is good, believes in the Bible and what it says, can teach us how to set boundaries that are good and that he can teach us how to communicate effectively.

I am supposed to make a list of things I feel are issues and I keep on praying about it but so far I have zip, zero, zilch. I mean that isn't totally true. I think about things and I am like - yes that is an issue but then I talk myself out of it being an issue. I need to stop that.

I am coming to my deadline. I am actually pissed off right now. He is trying to intimidate me into make a decision and I already gave him an answer - I asked him to wait on any decisions until we are in therapy. Why isn't that an answer? Am I wrong? What is he going to do if I don't answer him? What type of options do I have? I am still praying on it and I think Adam going with Todd would be a good thing - Adam needs his dad. I am just struggling with the week part of it. Adam is really a child who needs consistency (I know most do but him a little more). It is just frustrating me. I just keep on feeling - weekends; okay - weekdays; not okay.

I am trying to sort through if it is my own emotions or if it is really what is right/wrong. Why can't he respect me enough to just honor what I am asking about the therapist? So what I really want to ask is if he will just take him for the weekend until we get to the therapist because I do not feel it is right for Adam but Todd won't hear it so we need a neutral party on this. I am not sure what his response will be but I can't imagine it would be good.

I went to legal aid today. I had set the appointment up long ago. Not looking to file a divorce but get legal counsel. They don't take cases that are just for "separate maintenance" (legal separation) but if it comes to a divorce I would have to wait for another 3 weeks to be seen. So they said come down, fill out the paper work, talk to the lawyer and get a file number. Then if he files you are set. So I did it. What they told me today was pretty much what the legal secretary on the phone told me. So I did not hear anything new from them today; other than to call if he files.

Okay so I wrote him a letter:

Todd,

I can not give you a yes or no answer. I have been saying the same thing and to you it is not an acceptable answer. I do not feel I can talk to you about anything right now because even in emails you are not hearing/reading/accepting what I am saying.

I do not want to keep Adam away from you but I do believe he needs to have consistency during his school week. Would it be possible for you to just take him for the weekend right now and then when we start therapy we will talk about it with the therapist.

You keep on saying I am not putting Adam's well being in place here and that is what I am doing. I am afraid it would be way to confusing and overwhelming for him to be at a different home during the school week.

Please let me know what you think.
Amy

Please pray for our family. I am in such a struggle right now. I truly would not be in this stop if he would have just gone to therapy. We would still be at home. We would all be there. I do not know why the Lord placed these options before me but He did and I did it. Please pray.