Frustrations and Praises

It is only 3:10 and I am burnt out today. I was close to getting on my hands and knees and begging Todd to let me come back. Telling myself it really was not all that bad and I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. At least that is how I feel right now.

Kyle is acting out with subtle violence against Adam. He is being very defiant and being here I have a very hard time. he is rude and disrespectful in front of everyone and I can no nothing other than trying to make him take a timeout. I am in tears over this a lot.

Adam is getting blamed for so much by Kyle and he is just taking it. I am at a loss.

Close to buying a pack of cigarettes. Do I need that habit again? Of course not but it would be nice to just smoke one I keep on thinking.

Went to FIA today. I make to much money for help from them. A family of three can only make $471.00 a month to be able to qualify for assistance. Are they nuts? I mean how in the heck does a family of three live on that? Went to the social security office today and I can not get Kyles SS card. We changed his name in 2001 or 2002 and they can not find the paperwork we gave them. It was never changed in their system. So I need a legal paper with his old and new names on it and the court paper that shows the change. Well I am not at home so how can I get something wit his old and new name on it?

I got back here and go to fill out the housing paperwork and I am told the waiting list is long. Over two years for Salvation Army and about four months for Project H.E.A.L. AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Made an appointment with legal aid as well today. First opening is September 12th. Okay so now what do I do about the boys and school? I am told I need to file for temporary custody with immediate consideration. I go to the courthouse. Sent to the 5th floor and they are closed on Monday and Friday. Sent to the 3rd floor - told I need to go to the 2nd floor. Get to the 2nd floor and i am told you can only file here - I need the paperwork. Of course it all leads back to me needing to get it from the 5th floor and that is closed on Monday and Fridays. So I left and went to Rockford to go and turn in my apartment application. I stood for about 15 minutes listening to a women talk about all the apartments her daughter has lived in and how bad they were. Then I got to turn in my application finally. Lucky for me it turned into a good thing. If I can verify the my things (which are; disability, living in a shelter and letters from my PDoc about the abuse) I will be close to top of the list if not already. It would be about 30 days she said. Well that means for about 2 weeks or so I would need to find a place to live. Lord willing it will work out. She actually has a 2 bedroom open rightnow but I would need to be on section 8 housing and of course they are not accepting any applications right now.

So my chores today were the kitchen from 1-2 (sweep floor, dishes, counters and food). Plus the 2nd floor bathroom tonight. Well i am okay with both of these but there was poop all over the toilet. All they have are latex gloves to clean and I am allergic to latex. So I had to clean it all with bare hands. The ladies on the 2nd floor think I am prejudice. I tried and tried to talk to them and finally gave up after being ignored. So now they think I am an issue with them; so this should add to it. I must admit though I am the only white person with white children here and that is where the problem is coming from. It just seems kind of odd. Am I the only white person who is has these issues or am I the only one who can't provide for herself? It has been a long frustrating day for me. I am hoping Wanda will have some good news for me tomorrow. Of course it might be another month before I have a place. Plus that means I will have to find a place for a week or so. Now I am repeating myself.

Lord this has been a really trying day for me. I need to praise You so thank you for the small things You have done for me today. The hope that was given from Hillview. The glorious rain that watered the grass. Lord please be with Todd. Comfort him. Help him see what he will be missing if he chooses not to get help. Lord I love him and I love You. I am pleading with You to help this marriage. Make it a God driven marriage and family. I bring my needs and want for this marriage to You. I know I have reservations in my heart but it is because I am so afraid he does not love me enough to want this to work. So I am trying to prepare my heart for the worse; but that is not for me to do - it is for You to do. I am praying for the best outcome there can be Lord. In Your name - Amen.