It is Snowing...

I look out my window right now and it is snowing. We have had a brief covering of snow once already this year but I am pretty sure this time - it is going to cover the green grass that was left outside my window.

I sent my youngest to school today in tennis shoes and with no snow-pants. What a great mom I am. Although in my defense - when he left - it was not snowing and it was supposed to rain today because it was supposed to be in the 40's. So even though I should have just known - considering the state I live in - I didn't take anything into consideration... So he is probably freezing and wet! At least he wore gloves and a hat!

Now why is it that when I do something nice for someone - it seems to come back and bite me? Not that this is really all that big of a deal but to me it is. When my friend had her baby I let her use the bassinette that was given to me. Along with that I let her have the two pink sheets and a white sheet that were given to me. Not a big deal to keep track of I would think. Yet I just got the bassinette back and it has one pink sheet and one white sheet. What happened to the other sheet? I asked and she said she swears she gave it to me. Which means she isn't really going to look for it. I know it is only a sheet but when you have zero extra dollars each month to spend on things - that extra sheet does mean something...

Also I am struggling with some jealous issues. I am not sure how to work through these but I have to figure out a way. I will get into them maybe tomorrow...

I am also struggling with the whole Christmas break thing and just dealing with Todd. It would be one of the reasons I switched the URL on my blog at this point in time.

I am tired and not ready for Isabella to be here. Yet she is going to be here in less than two weeks now... I am having daily headaches and daily exhaustion.

So please just give me grace right now!

Prayers:

To All:
I write this email to you all with a bit of a heavy heart for the E* Family. Most of you have met Big Bob E*, Lindsey's Uncle but a couple of you have not. He has been the man behind the deer camps, Octoberfest,Winterfest, and Family Reunion for many years. Their family have such a great spirit about them always looking to put a smile to other's faces. I was informed this morning that Bob had finally gotten his test results back on his biopsy and they have not been very positive. They know he has cancer in his prostate, kidney, lungs and possible the brain. I writing this just to inform you that their family is in need of some extra prayer right now. I am not sure on the steps going forward but the doctors have said they will give him six months. God has worked greater miracles in his time, but if he chooses it is Bob's time to come to his Kingdom, the family with all his great grandchildren and kids will need your support and faith. I know he will be in my silent prayers from here on out so please put him in yours. Just wanted to let everyone know. Talk to you later.

Sincerely,
Tony

No More Hiding...

To even be writing this is just going to kill me but we are desperate for prayers...

I am trying to be level headed and deal with issues as they come but each and every day seems to be a bigger and bigger struggle with life.

My oldest for starters hates school. Last year he went and lived with my brother and sister-in-law for the last 2.5 months of school. It was hard but I could no longer deal with him.

He hates me and I don't blame him. I was horrible to him while we lived with the soon-to-be-ex husband. I let the STBX to what he wanted; grounding and overall making his life horrible. I personally could not deal with the consequences from the STBX so I figured out how to go numb to my oldest son. Great mom I know...

Now here we are in another school year. He has been back home with me since mid-June and you know as long as I let him do what he pleases - I am the greatest mom ever but he minute I correct him or give him consequences - every thing changes. We are on day 7 and there are already battles over homework and things of this nature. I most days would rather curl up in a ball and just die than deal with him. I get so stressed that my health is horrible. There are no answers anymore. My brother and sister-in-law as a joint can't even deal with him. In 3 months he was ruining their marriage, their jobs and their sleep.

Well now here is the biggest thing. Over the past few weeks - other issues have come out. I mean let me rephrase that - everyone in my family has known - but no one felt it was important for me to know apparently.

My DS has been sexually abused; which we knew but he won't give details and nothing can be done about it because of his age unless he gives details.

Now though it is coming about that he has done some things sexually to others who are younger than him.

No one felt it was necessary to bring to up to him, to talk to him, etc. I two weeks ago sat him down and talked with him about how he needs help because of what he is and has done. He lashed out, wouldn't talk, was horrible mean, and then finally calmed down enough to listen.
We met with his therapist today and he admits he has done things but won't admit what he has done.

We have tried to get him into schools for kids who are in need of constant care and those who have income based programs won't help him and I can't afford the places that will accept him.
Without someone pressing charges he does not qualify for the programs he needs to be able to participate in.

I am right now - at a loss. I am beyond broken. It has been over a year since I left my STBX and there is not a week that has gone by that some kind of hit hasn't happened...

September 11, 2007

Six years ago my life was much different. Six years ago many people's lives were different. Six years ago though - for the first time I can remember we came together as a nation while we were under attack.

Please take time today to say a prayer for those who lost their lives that day. Please take time today to say a prayer for those who have lost their lives since. Please take time today to say a prayer for the families who lost loved ones that day and since that time.

How Many Prayers Can One Ask For?!

The hits just keep on coming. I can't really get into a ton of details right now. I just need to ask for prayers for me and my oldest son (mainly).

Please pray that what is needed for help to be received comes easily.
Please pray that I am able to get a job while dealing with current issues (which is a full plus time job).
Please pray that my family has finally been forth coming with everything and there are no more surprises waiting for me behind another curtain.
Please pray that my family starts to see me as his mom and not someone who does not care or doesn't need to know.
Please pray that my heart and soul and mind can take whatever else is to come.
Please pray that the other family involved sees the severity of the issue and decides something needs to be done.

I am feeling broken more and more every day. Every time I turn around something else is happening and I just wonder how I am going to make it through another issue.

I question everything about myself right now. I wonder if it is my fault because in my gut this has been a worry for about 6 years now. I have no idea how I am going to keep going at this rate. It has been 366 days of one thing after another and I need a break and I need money and I need a way to get help.

Thank you in advance for your prayers...

Prayers...

We are getting down to the wire with where to live. I am so stressed that I am not sleeping, my IBS is horrible right now and I am not eating all to well. This isn't the only thing causing me stress but right now I am trying to tackle and allow only one stressor in my life at a time. It isn't always possible but I am working on not overwhelming myself (doesn't seem to be working to well).

We are looking at foreclosed homes and homes for sale. Does not mean it is going to happen and I don't want my hopes to be up but we need someplace to live.

We can not stay in the apartment. Not really wanting a mobile home but would go with a modular. Townhomes/duplexes are so darn expensive when it comes to rent that we might as well buy.

So there are a couple we are looking at right now. One is a forecloser and one is going through the foreclosure process. Not sure what will happen if anything but we need to keep on moving forward.

I have talked to the kids about this because where we are looking is not in the same school district we are in right now. We are looking here but the taxes in this town are so darn high - it would not be worth trying to stay here; not unless the house was just about given to us. Adam is okay with it - he doesn't want to leave but he would be excited about making new friends. Kyle on the other hand is not okay with it. He would have to leave the school his uncle went to and he thinks he is just like his uncle. He has already decided he won't be playing sports at the new school because he doesn't like the field or track (he played on them ONCE two years ago). It just saddens me that he is acting like this but he think it will make us stay in this school. It won't we need to go where we can afford to live.

Plus then there is the other stress of not hearing from that school we applied to yet. I don't want him to start at one school and then have to switch but if he gets accepted we won't have a choice if we don't find out soon. He hasn't even gone through the interview process yet which is only the second step.

Spoke with Kyle's dad today and I guess he got another job. It is about time. Hopefully he will start to pay child support again and that will help with Kyle's school supplies.

This was titled prayers and this is what I need prayers about the most right now:

1. We are going in the right direction for our living situation and if we are not the doors close fast enough for us to move forward with the next option on our list. We have to know by October 1st what we are doing and not knowing is hard for me to deal with.

2. That the school situation; any transfers that need to take place go smoothly for the boys. I feel that they have gone through enough in the past year and I would like prayers covering them for the upcoming moving.

3. That the baby is growing and healthy. We have an appointment on Friday again. They are doing another ultrasound even though we just had one and that isn't normal. So even though nothing was said to me - it is jus odd that they are doing one again so soon and it has me a bit worried.