No More Hiding...

To even be writing this is just going to kill me but we are desperate for prayers...

I am trying to be level headed and deal with issues as they come but each and every day seems to be a bigger and bigger struggle with life.

My oldest for starters hates school. Last year he went and lived with my brother and sister-in-law for the last 2.5 months of school. It was hard but I could no longer deal with him.

He hates me and I don't blame him. I was horrible to him while we lived with the soon-to-be-ex husband. I let the STBX to what he wanted; grounding and overall making his life horrible. I personally could not deal with the consequences from the STBX so I figured out how to go numb to my oldest son. Great mom I know...

Now here we are in another school year. He has been back home with me since mid-June and you know as long as I let him do what he pleases - I am the greatest mom ever but he minute I correct him or give him consequences - every thing changes. We are on day 7 and there are already battles over homework and things of this nature. I most days would rather curl up in a ball and just die than deal with him. I get so stressed that my health is horrible. There are no answers anymore. My brother and sister-in-law as a joint can't even deal with him. In 3 months he was ruining their marriage, their jobs and their sleep.

Well now here is the biggest thing. Over the past few weeks - other issues have come out. I mean let me rephrase that - everyone in my family has known - but no one felt it was important for me to know apparently.

My DS has been sexually abused; which we knew but he won't give details and nothing can be done about it because of his age unless he gives details.

Now though it is coming about that he has done some things sexually to others who are younger than him.

No one felt it was necessary to bring to up to him, to talk to him, etc. I two weeks ago sat him down and talked with him about how he needs help because of what he is and has done. He lashed out, wouldn't talk, was horrible mean, and then finally calmed down enough to listen.
We met with his therapist today and he admits he has done things but won't admit what he has done.

We have tried to get him into schools for kids who are in need of constant care and those who have income based programs won't help him and I can't afford the places that will accept him.
Without someone pressing charges he does not qualify for the programs he needs to be able to participate in.

I am right now - at a loss. I am beyond broken. It has been over a year since I left my STBX and there is not a week that has gone by that some kind of hit hasn't happened...