Depression

How do you explain depression to someone who doesn't deal with it?

I have it but I have gotten good at wearing masks to hide it. Lately - like for the last 7 months or so it has been bad for me.

Of course I have my days where no one knows and then I have my bad days where it just isn't hideable. Those are the days I dislike the most because it is hard for me to explain - it is always there - I just hide it well.

I really wish I had some mania in me right now but I just don't. Life is draining the life out of me. I do nothing but think and sink.

So how do you explain depression?

When others are around - I can laugh, I can smile, I can talk, I can function.
When others are not around - I don't have to laugh, I don't have to smile, I don't have to talk, I don't have to function.

Todd didn't like my depression and he made that very clear. I needed to snap out of it. I needed to just move on. I needed to function. Well who doesn't need those things? So I learned how to get out of bed to do the clothes and to clean the kitchen and to make meals and to take care of the boys. Yet when no one else is around - I can just be - I can be that person who thinks and sinks.

Before leaving Todd there was a three month period he knew nothing was wrong. When I finally could not keep it all in anymore all I got was, "I thought we were doing just fine". As if my meltdown and crying and emotions was a reflection upon "us" instead of what my life was daily. He had no comprehension and maybe that was my fault. I felt worse when he knew what was really going on with me - so I learned to hide it. Yet he didn't want to know.

Right now I get out of bed every day to start my day. Yet for the most part - I end up right back in bed. I do two or three small things and I have no energy for anything else. Not a day goes by where I don't cry. Not a day goes by where I don't stress over what is going on in my life.

For the longest time I just kept on telling myself it was environmental - circumstances and now I know it has to be a part of the bipolar.

I know I really should be on a med for it but financially it comes down to - I have money right now for one med and that med had to be for my blood clot. So I just try and live with it.