Last night something dawned on me. I live in fear of men and confrontation.
The thought of having to confront Todd over anything (maybe confront isn't a good word to use) gives me panic attacks and other physical issues.
The thing is - right now - what can he do to me? Withhold child support; oh he is already doing that. Not pay the rent is he supposed to be paying; oh wait being done. Make this divorce drag out until he gets what he feels he is entitled to; going through that. Not give me my things from the house; says he will but never does so that is being done as well.
What else can he do to me?
Yet those feelings and those physical issues still come about when I have to deal with him.
I also find I am not totally honest with Jack. I am not lying to him but I don't come out and say what I am feeling 100% or what thoughts I am thinking because of the fear of his reaction or what he can do to me.
Mind you Jack has never done anything to make me feel those things but it is the fear that has been there. It isn't as bad but it really hit me last night that those feelings are there when I deal with anyone.
Someone gets upset with me and I start to have a panic attack. Someone wants to talk to me and I don't know about what and I get a panic attack.
Funny thing is - Todd isn't the first person this started with - it was my parents and it seems I find all these people who know how to react just the right way to keep this fear going inside of me.
How do I break this fear - this pattern? It isn't healthy and it does not but hinder relationships in my life that it should not...
So what do I do?
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2 comments:
I wish I had the answers for you. Just keep telling yourself you are a human being, worthy, important and valuable. You have a right to be treated decent and not made to feel like something that was scraped off the bottom of a shoe. You're no one's doormat. Keep telling yourself that over and over until you believe it. Then assert yourself.
Can't you get the police to escort you into the house? They ARE your things after all! Why should you be at his mercy regarding whether or not he'll let you have them? Get the police to come with you for an hour so you can get your stuff. If he tries anything...they can taser him!
Have a happy Sunday.
Don't put your trust in anything but the Lord. All else is shifting sand . . .
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2 Chronicles 20
17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "
30 And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side.
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1 Chronicles 28:9
9 "And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.
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Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. (a)
2 I will say (b) of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
Footnotes:
1. Psalm 91:1 Hebrew Shaddai
2. Psalm 91:2 Or He says
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