Struggling...

Last night was our last therapy session for a while. Yes they have only just started I know...

My oldest is very depressed and I am afraid it will turn suicidal. This has been an issues in the past. I right now feel that the need for him to be in therapy is greater than the need for the marriage therapy.

Now that isn't completely true. It isn't that the need is greater but it is that I have to pick what I can afford to pay for and he comes first right now.

I addressed it last night in therapy letting DH know that if he wanted to continue it and pay for it fully he could (the only way I could get him there was to agree to pay 1/2). He said he would not have this put on him and if I was not willing to pay for 1/2 because that is what I agreed to then it would be my fault we were not there because he would not be blamed and he didn't feel we need it anyway. He was only there because I said we needed it.

He was very angry when we left and I was in tears. Lots of things were said in those 55 minutes and not much of it good.

I am reading a book right now. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Very eye opening book. Most of it so far is my life. It makes me feel good that I am seeing what goes on but it makes me sad that so many people do this stuff that there are books about it.

I am in a struggle though because of the usual things... Of course now I am seeing the usual things are not real but a perception I have developed over the years... Actually that isn't true - I have always known that it wasn't real but when you hear and live with things 24/7 for 3285 days - you believe those things that are not real....

Please pray for me. Please pray for him.