So I Have Been Gone...

So I haven't been writing much.

I don't even know what to write. Well that isn't true but I am afraid to write it for some reason.

I haven't been doing that great. Last Wednesday I got some bad news. I guess in some ways it is good news but it is really sad for me. Something I have wanted for so long is now lost. I have told a few people and actually told them but for the most part - no one knows. I think 3 people in real life know. The more I think of it - the more real it is. The more I talk about it - the more real it is. Right now - I don't want it to be real.

I went to the bar last Wednesday night to watch the game and it was rained out. Instead I listened to Karaoke. I sang along but I could not get myself up to sing and I love to sing. Went again on Friday night and did the same thing. Went again on Saturday night and did the same thing. At the end of Saturday night though I gave a slip to Caroline and told her that if she keeps it and if I come back and if she remembers me - I would sing it. I kinda hope she forgets.

I have been doing some stupid things and not really caring about it. Not even going to get into those things right now.

I have been looking at houses and getting discouraged. I have had some sunlight shine down on me though about some of it. I stopped at a house on Sunday that was having an open house. I knew it was either not big enough with rooms or out of my price range because I didn't have the sheet. Yet I stopped anyway - the lady doing the open house was wonderful. She told me about a rural development thing that is offered in our area. Just have to be north of 6 mile. It is almost like Section 8 housing help but for people who can get a home instead! She said she would look into it for me and have someone get back with me. She actually called me today and handed the phone over to a guy who could help me. I was blown away that she got back to me so quickly. We talked for about 45 minutes yesterday and she didn't care that my mortgage had to be so small - she was willing to work with me even if I don't qualify for the rural development loan. It was nice to hear because most people haven't even bothered to call me back after I give them the details.

I am not feeling like I belong at my brothers house. They have done nothing to make me feel unwelcome and the boys are fine here - I just don't feel at "home". I want to feel at home someplace. I want to have my own place.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew it would take some time. I knew all of this but it has been two months and I still don't have a place and I would like a place to call home.

I am feeling drained and tired and worn out and misunderstood and and and...I am not only now standing my ground with Keith but I have to do it with Todd. Long ago I should have stood my ground with my mom but I never did and now I need to learn how to create boundaries with her as well.

My parents never taught me how to create them and I never have created them with anyone! There is a whole lot of growing going on and it is very draining