Been a Few....

Have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Mainly the past. It just never seems to go away. I try to deal with it. I try to let it go and yet - I am with someone and they say something and it all comes back to me...

I have heard in the past few days things that just remind me of how needy I am. I had thought that it was just Todd who was impossible to please who wanted to be alone all the time who could not deal with me. I guess I was wrong.

I have heard things about finances that just make me wonder what I a getting myself into. Is it possible that I am dealing with someone just as selfish as before?

There really is so much more but I m trying to just block it out. It isn't easy to do and when things happen I find myself shutting down. Do I want to shut down - not really but I realize I have no clue how to communicate with anyone anymore.

After years of keeping it all in - I have no clue how to communicate effectively with anyone. Yeah I can have small conversations but when it comes to how things make me feel - I can't do it. I am to afraid of how it will make someone else feel or how they will respond or how they won't respond or what will be said. I am afraid to open my mouth for fear of confrontation.

Almost every conversation with Todd lead to confrontation. I felt as if I had to "defend" myself and I hate that feeling. I do not like to confront anyone over anything. Ever - and it does not seem to matter why or what it is about; even if it has nothing to do with another person and it is strictly about myself.

What happens when you think you know someone but find you don't know them at all?