Have been very rough on me. Words have kind of escaped me. I know that all of these things going on are not my fault per say but I have added to them I am sure.
I have been in a huge struggle with myself. What do I do to provide for my boys? What do I do to get my bills paid off?
I have been thinking the past day or so I was just going to go and start to apply for jobs again. Even though I am not supposed to work right now I need the money. Even though no one will hire me because I can't get a work release from a doctor - I feel the need to try. I have a month or less until this little girl is here; why can't I wait? I have made it this long with the struggle.
I guess what upsets me more than anything else is the fact that I am doing it all alone. All I hear from the boys fathers is, "You know I have no problem providing for them I just don't have the money right now." Well how in the heck do you think they are being provided for then? How do you think food is being fed to them? How do you think they are getting clothing to cover their bodies? How do you think they have a roof over their heads? I guess even if you don't have money - you find a way to provide for them because they need to be taken care of!
I can't give them the extras they would like although I am keeping them with full bellies, dry heads, clothed bodies and some toys to play with.
I have to sit by and watch their fathers do all the extras and have all the fun with them. It hurts to see all of this going on. It makes me feel as if they are trying to punish me but in the end all it does is hurt the kids.
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