Bipolar and Pregnancy

Yesterday was a roller coaster for me. Yesterday morning was okay. I did just fine. Then as the afternoon came on I started to progress downward. Then by evening I was a mess.

I live in a roller coaster world. When pregnant I have always been pretty stable; at least with my other two pregnancies. This one has thrown me for a loop.

I have had major depression. I have had some mania. I have all around be someone who is on a cycle during this pregnancy. I have been an emotional wreck and it makes me worried.

I shut down when around people when it comes to bipolar. It isn't right but I tend to do that. When I am dealing with bipolar issues I have no faith that people will try to understand. I just assume it is going to be like the past.

I wrote for myself last night after Jack left. I made him leave. I would not open up to him. I would not talk to him. All I did was laid there crying and shutting him out. I knew what I was doing. I knew he would leave. I also knew there was a chance I blew the whole thing by doing it.

I sent him what I wrote. It wasn't for him. It wasn't to him. Although I am hoping he sees a bit of what I deal with. It was a mess. It was the inside of my thoughts. I was honest and because I was writing for me I wasn't concerned about what I wrote. I didn't look for the correct words to place so as not to hurt anyone. I just wrote for me.

Who knows what will come of it. I am sure (in my head) that he will run. Who would not run when they read my thoughts. If I was a normal person - I personally would run myself.

Please pray for this roller coaster I seem to be on. I need to be on meds but won't do it while pregnant. I have a while to go before she gets here and they are getting more extreme.