Protection...

Earlier this week when my computer went down I headed to the library. I sent an email to numerous people and one of those people happened to be Todd about the Christmas vacation Adam has coming up.

Mind you I have been trying to communicate with him since the beginning of October about the time Adam has upcoming. Since I sent that email out - numerous emails have been exchanged and the last email I sent was no where near the high road I have been taking.

What do you do when you are going through a divorce and everyone seems to be on the other persons side; even your own attorney?

I have been doing my best to not have Adam hurting throughout this process and to give Todd time with Adam because of his illness. Yet right now I am struggling with what is best for Adam.

Todd has made the claim that things are getting worse for him. He has claimed his arms are going. He has claimed he can't get out of bed some days. There have been many claims from him and some of them are in email - so I do have them.

So my biggest things right now is this - is Adam safe to be with Todd? If it is hard for him to type up an email - why is he driving? If he can't get out of bed every day - how can he take care of Adam?

I do not want to take away the time he sees Adam; especially if his health is going downhill because Adam needs time with his dad. Yet I am truly leaning towards the fact that he has to have supervised visitation. It does not have to be a court appointed person - he just needs to have someone with him at all times when he has Adam; just in case.

Is that so wrong of me?

I have to be Adam's advocate since no one else is going to be. I do not have an advocate. You would think my lawyer was mine but really he has not been much help. He feels sorry for Todd as well and because of that and the fact that I can't pay him right now (so who blames him) he seems to be more on the side of do it yourself and let me know how it goes.

I just have to take things a day at a time right now and that is what I am doing. I am trying to not stress over this stuff but it just isn't working all that well. Even after being gone for 15 months he is still controlling me; I just hope he doesn't see it (but he probably does).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Seeing how it is Thanksgiving this blog should be about what I am thankful for. This is going to be a difficult post for me because over the past few days I have been very stressed out and even though I should be thinking about what I am thankful for - it has been more like what I am not so thankful for...

01. I am thankful I have a roof over my head. I have struggled financially for the last 9 months (technically speaking) and yet I have managed to make each and every one of the rent payments that have been due since I have lived here (which is a total of 13 payments now).

02. I am thankful for my oldest son. Even though most days I would like to slap the child he is my son and I love him anyway. It is hard dealing with a child who is 14 and has hormones and is bipolar all at once. Oh lets not forget who also knows at 14 what is best for himself and his life. Gosh I am thankful we both make it through each day!

03. I am thankful for my youngest son. Even though right now he hates (has much anger towards) me because I broke the family up and left Todd to be on his own while he is sick. He is a blessing on most days even when he is mad at me. Reminds me of the love and caring I did teach him to have.

04. I am thankful for this pregnancy and the daughter I am going to have. It has been a rough pregnancy with lots of mishaps. I have really struggled. I am doing my best to not blame myself for everything going on due to the sin of me having this child because she is a blessing no matter how she came about.

05. I am thankful for my friends in real life. I might not have many of them really but those whom are there are really there for me. I lost a lot of my friends over the years because of the controlling nature of the relationship I was in yet one stayed. She has been a blessing; even when I am jealous of her good fortunes.

06. I am thankful for my friends online. God has used them in my life in ways I never knew possible. I would say that most of my friends who are in my life are from online relationships. They have given me much advice and guidance and He has used them as only He would know how to do.

07. I am thankful I am still able to get things done with my big belly. I have been so tired lately and I am feeling like a house. Yet when I have the energy to get things done I am making sure they get done.

08. I am thankful for the loads of laundry that need to be washed. You see it means that I am providing things for my boys. I don't really enjoy laundry but it reminds me as I move past them each day that we are taken care of right now.

09. I am thankful for the giving nature of others. I am not one who enjoys having to ask for help but when I do it seems that the Lord uses those whom He knows will show me that others care.

10. I am thankful for Jack. He was brought into my life about 11 months ago now. He is Isabella's dad. He might not be here all the time but he does give me time. He has helped me to see that not all men are bad. He has helped me to laugh and in turn heal over the past year. He might not understand everything about me but he does love me and he does want to help me.

11. I am thankful for having a camera that works. I love taking pictures and I love my children. So right now I am very thankful that I am able to capture what is going on around us with the camera I have. They might not be the best pictures in the world but they are pictures of us being a family.

12. I am thankful for the help I have received during this pregnancy. Due to me not being able to work and my limited income the medications I have needed for this pregnancy have been hard to come by. Although each time something is needed; even if I am unable to find the way to get it - someone else has been there to help me get the medication that I need.

13. I am thankful for the divorce I am going through. I am not thankful because I am divorcing my husband of 7 years or the man I have been with for the past 10 years. I am thankful that I had the courage to break out of the chains of fear that I was living in; even after leaving him. I am thankful the Lord helped me to find a lawyer and take the steps that were needed to file for divorce to break though those chains. I am thankful that recently (like in the past 4 days) I have seen truly how irrational he is. I am thankful that I have recently seen (like in the last month) how he truly does create his own reality to make things better for himself. It helped me to see that this divorce was needed and is the right thing to be doing.

14. I am thankful for God. I might be struggling with faith at the moment but He has never left my side. I might pull away from Him when things are bad and yet He is still right there waiting for me to return to Him.

Way Cute...

Hey, I just made a total elf of myself. Check it out by clicking the link below.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9570736117

This elfin' greeting brought to you by OfficeMax®.

101st Post...

Well I knew I was getting close to having 100 posts. So I decided to check it out today and low and behold - today is my 101st If I remember correctly a lot of people do 100 things about them self when they get there. So in keeping with that - I am going to do this today - 101 things about me. I do have to say I am thrilled there is an auto-save feature because of my computer not working right. At this point I am able to get it up and going for about 20 minutes at a time - so I get 2o minutes at a time to work!

Now onto the 101 things about me....

001. I am 5 feet and 5 inches tall
002. I have blue eyes
003. I have brown hair
004. I have natural curly hair
005. I was born a Blondie
006. I love to write
007. I love being a mom
008. I love to read
009. I can not draw
010. I love taking photographs
011. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up
012. I am expecting my first baby girl in December
013. My favorite number is 13
014. I have two boys
015. I am currently going through a divorce
016. I am bipolar
017. I love to sing
018. I am in the process of growing and don't know where I will end
019. I am a type B personality with type A tendencies
020. I have struggled with finding people who support me and my bipolar disorder
021. I do not enjoy laundry
022. I do not like listening to whining
023. I believe in God
024. Miracles seem to happen when I am faltering in faith the most
025. I have been struggling financially for over a year now
026. I have Factor V Leiden clotting issue
027. I struggle with communicating
028. Some of my best friends I have met online
029. I live in a two bedroom apartment
030. My bipolar gets worse when death in the family occurs
031. I wear my heart on my sleeve
032. I like snow for about a week
033. I grew up in a middle class family
034. I graduate from an alternative school after dropping out of high school
035. I enjoy working out
036. I love Reuben sandwiches
037. My favorite color is green
038. I have had morning/all day sickness with all three pregnancies
039. I love going to Disney World
040. My favorite song is "Better than Life"
041. My favorite dessert is lemon meringue pie
042. My favorite sound is water sounds; rain, waterfalls, oceans, etc.
043. My favorite place is Hawaii
044. My favorite fast food is Arby's
045. My favorite sit down restaurant is Johnny's Carino's
046. I talk on the phone to much
047. I have huge trust issues
048. I get jealous of people at times
049. I could eat spinach dip daily
050. I am 32 years old
051. I have a birthday in February and hated it (cause of winter)
052. All my children have winter birthdays
053. I have one niece
054. I have one brother
055. I have one sister
056. I give to people even after being hurt by them
057. I need more patience for my children
058. I am a huge pushover
059. I am learning to grow a backbone
060. The main thing I drink is water
061. I want to run in a race next year
062. I enjoy kid movies
063. I want to get back to going to church
064. I struggle with eating meat (if I think about the animal)
065. I am not very good at math
066. I have a mother-hen nature about me
067. I am very passionate about mental health and what goes on with it (especially when it comes to insurance issues)
068. I want to go back to school but I am not 100% sure for what
069. I have been a smoker in the past
070. I like wine
071. I want to learn how to do some ballroom dances
072. I am not happy with my current weight (prior to pregnancy)
073. I actually for the 1st time know what it means to be happy; even though depressed
074. I used to be a soap opera junky but haven't watched in about 3 years now
075. I have been in a mental health hospital 2 times
076. It has taken me 32 years to realize I don't really enjoy holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or anything that needs to be celebrated due to disappointment
077. I am learning how to love my enemies and it isn't easy
078. I can be an emotional eater
079. I don't mind going to the dentist
080. I am very stubborn when I get my mind set on something
081. I can be over zealous when manic
082. I cry a lot when depressed
083. I am very irritable when manic
084. I have no energy when depressed
085. I seek out approval from others when I should only be seeking from God
086. I have made it on my own for the last 15 months without financial help from the "dad's"
087. I am not a huge fan of pork because of the salt content
088. I have a blue 1998 Saturn SL1
089. I enjoy playing games with the boys
090. I am learning how to cut toxic people from my life
091. I am still working through childhood issues
092. I am a sinner
093. I enjoy watching sports; football, hockey, baseball, etc.
094. I have had 5 blogs since 2004
095. My favorite flower is the purple tulip
096. I hate shopping and do as much online as possible
097. I miss Jack when he is gone (that is a good thing for me)
098. I love vegetables
099. My favorite candy is Reese's peanut butter cups
100. My favorite meal growing up was pot roast, potatoes and carrots
101. I have learned it is important to like/love who I am the way I am; I can always improve myself but I have to be happy with what spot I am at in life.

Isabella Update...

This is all I am going to say:

I am having an amniocentesis on

December 10th

If her lungs are developed I am being induced

December 11th

Holidays, Children and Ex's

I have been looking forward to Thanksgiving day this year. I would have both my boys and I was excited to be able to cherish that time with them. I won't have Adam on Christmas Eve or Day this year and that really saddens me. It will be the first time ever I have not have both of my children on a Holiday.

Well that isn't totally true I didn't have Adam last Easter, Mothers Day or Thanksgiving but I got through them because I kind of pretended the days didn't exist. I don't think it will be that easy with Christmas though.

Well now lets get back to Thanksgiving. Adam and I are talking about this upcoming weekend. He lets me know that Todd will be picking him up early Friday morning. I told him no I am not giving up my time with you just because it is a holiday weekend Adam. He started to huff and puff and I said plus your dad has not called to discuss this with me and he needs to if he feels he is picking you up at a much earlier time.

It went into him telling me you have me all week long and dad doesn't get any time with me - when you do have me all you do is make dinner, make me clean and do homework and never spend time with me or you are on the phone and we never do anything - oh and he doesn't want to live with me anymore because we never have money.

Talk about a heartbreaking morning. Knowing your child doesn't want to be with you.

He walked out of the house without even saying good-bye to me.

So now what? What do I do?

ARG COMPUTERS!!!!!

No pictures today.

Nothing all to detailed today. Although I wish I had the time because a lot has been on my mind lately.

My computer went down yesterday morning. I got my blog updated, checked my email and went to go restart my computer and it crashed on me.

So I am taking it into Best Buy once again and praying it is something that is under warranty. Please be under warranty or I will be without a computer for a very long time!

I am at the library right now which is fine. Just wanted to let all of you know (since so many read this blog - LOL) that I won't be updating until I have a computer back. I might jump on here from time to time while at the library but with the limited amount of time you have - I am not sure I would be able to go into detail like I want at this point.

So - that is it. I am without a computer once again - second time in a year! Sometimes I love technology and other times - I can't stand it.

Bet you can guess what time it is right now!