Belly Update....

34 Weeks













35 Weeks

Divorce

Is it ever going to be final?

I sent my lawyer an email a few days ago asking some questions. He got back to me yesterday about it.

He also contacted Todd's attorney to speak with her. Of course we are still stuck on the whole, "We can't move forward until I met with Todd's mom and that is scheduled for the beginning of December."

Well here is my question - he is 37 years old and the logic from his parents is that with his current health situation he is unable to make the decisions that need to be made for this divorce because of the other stress in his life.

Yet their biggest contention over this divorce is the fact that Todd is not getting enough time with Adam. Umm - let me get this straight here - he is not in the correct mental state to make decisions about his own divorce but he is in the correct mental state to be able to care for and make decisions for an 8 year old?

Where is the logic there? Am I missing something? Am I not seeing what they see?

We are supposed to have a review done through friend of the court. I guess that was decided at the last court hearing. Well we went to court over a month ago. Still I find out from my lawyer that the order has not been signed yet. WHAT?

They have 30 days to sign the temp order - it has been over 30 days. Child support has been suspended for over a month now; not that I was getting any but still.

I am beyond frustrated with all of the crap that goes on with this divorce.

I had a friend who said the next time Todd tries to talk to me I should say something like, "I would love to talk to you about this but since you are incapable of making decisions on your own I need to speak with your mom first." Oh man would that piss him off!

Past Couple of Days...

Have been very rough on me. Words have kind of escaped me. I know that all of these things going on are not my fault per say but I have added to them I am sure.

I have been in a huge struggle with myself. What do I do to provide for my boys? What do I do to get my bills paid off?

I have been thinking the past day or so I was just going to go and start to apply for jobs again. Even though I am not supposed to work right now I need the money. Even though no one will hire me because I can't get a work release from a doctor - I feel the need to try. I have a month or less until this little girl is here; why can't I wait? I have made it this long with the struggle.

I guess what upsets me more than anything else is the fact that I am doing it all alone. All I hear from the boys fathers is, "You know I have no problem providing for them I just don't have the money right now." Well how in the heck do you think they are being provided for then? How do you think food is being fed to them? How do you think they are getting clothing to cover their bodies? How do you think they have a roof over their heads? I guess even if you don't have money - you find a way to provide for them because they need to be taken care of!

I can't give them the extras they would like although I am keeping them with full bellies, dry heads, clothed bodies and some toys to play with.

I have to sit by and watch their fathers do all the extras and have all the fun with them. It hurts to see all of this going on. It makes me feel as if they are trying to punish me but in the end all it does is hurt the kids.

Good Mom

What makes someone a good mom? I am in a huge struggle lately with this question.

I know when I was working things were okay here; financially. I know finances don't make or break you as a good parent.

Although things like today have just been so rough on me. I got my disability check today and it is gone. I am back to having $2.04 in my bank account until December 12th when I will once again get another check; pay my bills and be left with $2.04 in my bank account.

Today I had to tell Adam that I would not be able to get him anything for Christmas. He was okay with that really but he still believes in Santa and think Santa will get him something. After the talk we had - I could not go any further because I was about in tears at that point anyway.

Kyle has a project for science that is due next week. The problem is to construct a package containing a raw egg so that the package may fall from the desired height without breaking the egg. I have $2.04 and all the things he wants to use to construct this are just not feasible.

So what makes a good mom? Someone who can provide for her children in all ways? I right now am failing at that. I am not providing for my children in all ways. I have enough money each month to be able to pay our bills and that is it. I provide a roof over their heads.

I know that I should not struggle so much with this because it isn't me who is the only one who is failing the boys. Neither of the fathers are paying for anything. I get zero for child support at this point in time.

Yet to be the one who is always saying, "That isn't in the budget. We can't do that." is very tiring when the father is taking them to movies, out to dinner, dirt biking and well you get the picture. At 8 and 14 the boys should have nothing to worry about and yet they do.

Today has been such a rough day for me emotionally. I can't wait for it to be over.

Oh and on another note - I had to contact SSA yesterday and found out the boys were denied. So now I just sit here and wait for the denial letter to come in the mail. I had an issue with my social security card and they needed to resend it to me but I needed to call to get it done. While on the phone I asked if she could see a status on the boys claims and she said it looks like it has been denied.

So there is no money there. I can't work right now. We have no money in the bank for anything. My car is about to die. My kids will have nothing for Christmas. I am bringing another child into this world.

What is wrong with me?

Computers Suck...

Well as some of you know my computer crashed in June.

When it crashed I took it into Best Buy which is where I bought it from. Not a big deal until they come out and say, "Where is your recovery disk? We can't put anything on your computer without your recovery disk."

Okay now mind you - I am not the smartest computer person in the world BUT I do know some things about computers. I know you need a recovery disk. The problem came when it dawned on me I didn't set my computer up. Never saw anything come up telling me to create a recovery disk - so I never did it. When I asked the person who set my computer up if they created a recovery disk and I was told no - my heart sank.

I had my girlfriend get on HP's website and she tried to enter the information in for me to order a recovery disk. It would not go through. So I called HP then. Well according to them I had a hot computer. The place I bought to computer from never sent verification that this computer had been sold. After going round and round between Best Buy and HP - they finally (HP) were going to send out a disk in August. YEAH for me...

Then I got the disk and it was not the right disk. So I call them back. They have me send it back and then when they get it they will send out a new one. We went through this process 3 times and now we end up here today.

I make a phone call to find out the latest progress on this whole pain in my bottom situation. For the lady to be a bigger pain in my butt.

I am sorry mama but it has been over a year we can't just send you a disk in the mail - you need to be paying for these disks now.

I just started to laugh and got the response of, I am allowed to hang the phone up on you for being inappropriate.

That just made me laugh even harder. I said Lady I have been working on this since June the computer at that point was NOT over a year old.

Then she proceeds to let me know that she can't send a CD recovery disk out to me because there is already a Windows XP Media Center Edition 2006 sticker with a code on the bottom of my computer. What the sam hell are you talking about women?

So once again - I sit and wait - for another manager to call me and for me to start from the beginning again!

Some days computers suck!

Frustration

My life seems to run in circle. I try to not be frustrated with the way things go but it is hard not to be.

I have so many things going on right now that I get overwhelmed with getting anything complete.

I have finally got all the information I need for the application for the Section 8 Housing. Does not mean I will be approved or even make it off the waiting list prior to moving next year. Yet I at least have it filled out and ready to be turned in. Of course they are not open today but still - it is ready for tomorrow.

I called Michigan Department of Human Services to let them know my rent is going up and child support went down. Of course they are closed today as well so I left a message with my case worker. We will see what happens. I just need to know where to send the new and improved information or if I have to fill out a whole new application. I am hoping I can just send a copy of the new rental agreement and not have to fill the whole thing of paperwork out again.

I finally got an email from Keith. This would be Kyle's dad. Now back when I was in the hospital he moved to the Philippians. I sent him a message asking for him information; as in address and phone and had not heard back from him. I finally got a message back today letting me know he is home, living with his mom and dad again and without a job. Well don't rush to contact your son. I mean he is only your son. I guess I just know how to pick the right men to be fathers!

Had to work on filling out paperwork for Adam for his Free/Reduced lunch program. Apparently the state randomly picks so many children from each school district each year to make sure they are telling the truth about their income. So then you have to go through this whole verification process. Well I turned it all in when I filled out the papers; like I do each year. The State happened to pick Adam this year and the school can not find the paperwork I submitted at the beginning of the year. So that means - I have to get it all from each agency AND have it to them by the 15th of this month. I have been trying but don't have the exact stuff they need. So I would like to scream because Adam and Kyle could potentially lose this program because I don't have the proper paperwork to turn in.

What else is there going on that is frustrating. The whole court process. I have a letter I need to send to Friend of the Court about the whole Todd situation. I need to get that in the mail by tomorrow. (please pray my printer has enough ink in it to print it out the right way) I have the letter done but for some reason I am just worried I didn't say enough or said to much. I am not sure to be honest. I have huge concerns with Todd right now. He is saying he wants Adam more than 50% of the time and yet he is claiming at the same time he can't work because of how ill he is. Okay - so why in the heck is he driving with Adam then? If his illness is progress that quickly - how is he caring for Adam? I am worried. Maybe I need to ask for supervised visitations at this point. Maybe that is an over-reaction. I just don't know.

Then there is the SI I applied for with the boys. I know I am probably just over-reacting here but she said if I didn't have a check by the 10th then they are probable denied. Okay so it is a holiday for the government this weekend/today because of Veterans day. Yet it is the 12th and there has been nothing from anyone so far. So I have $2.88 in my bank account, very little food, no gas in the car and a $300 script I need to get next week (or I will probably end up in the hospital again). So because most things do not work the way I hope for - I am going to just call it good and say they didn't get it. That way when the denial letter does come - I don't have so much disappointment.

So there is most of my frustration right now. It does not fully cover it all but I am pretty sure you have a good idea as to what is going on in my life. I keep on saying it has to get better but to be honest - I am not so sure I really believe that at all.

Ahhh - Post Happy Today....

Adam, Kyle and Todd at Talladega

Adam, Todd and Kyle at Animal Kingdom Lodge at Disney World


Chip and Adam with whipped cream noses!
Kyle, Pooh and Adam

Kyle, Todd and Adam hunting at the cabin

Adam acting like Chicken Little

Adam with Crazy Hair Day at School

Adam playing flag football.
Adam in his Mohawk phase


Adam with his broken leg. Happened on his 6th birthday.

I found these pictures on Todd's myspace today. So I copied them. I have no pictures from my boys growing up anymore. I mean when I left home - I left home and I left all these memories behind.

I have not forgotten about these things but I don't have an actual picture anymore to be able to look back upon them and talk to the boys about. That is really the only thing I truly miss. My pictures.

I have always been a picture happy person and I miss them! I did copy them to my computer so at least I have these now.