Cupcakes Anyone....

My boys are two very different children. I mean all children have their own personalities and all but these two boys are very different in a lot of ways.

They are also similar in some ways. Of course those things come from me (since they have different dads).

Both of them are very caring about others. My youngest son is very much like me when it comes to the caring about others. He is a true mother hen. I do not know if this is something that one learns from watching others because I don't recall seeing it growing up but I was one growing up. Now with Adam I can see he watched me but I do believe it is just something that is in you.

My Adam has taken to watching after a little girl who is in kindergarten. She does not live in the same building that we do but she does live in this complex. So they ride the same bus together. There have been times when her mom was not home and Adam has stayed outside with her until her mom gets home and she can get into her apartment.

This mom has taken to making Adam cupcakes when he does things like this. It isn't an all the time thing but she lets him know how much she appreciates his caring nature. He never expected anything in return but it was nice to get treated to something (I never make) for doing good.

He has done it many times and she has given him cupcakes a couple of times. He has told her he does not need them but she asks him to take them anyway. I think it is nice of her to do that but it is not needed.

He just has such a big heart. He wants to do right all the time...

Maybe I am doing something right with them...

Quarters - Money - Does it Ever End?

Here we are yet another month waiting for my disability check to get here. Not a big deal because when it gets here - it pays the bills and is gone. I have nothing then until the next one comes in.

Yet each month it seems like something goes wrong. I was prepared for that this month though.

I have a phone through Vonage and they screwed up and I was charged last month when I should not have been. Put my account negative because I was not expecting it. Well after dealing with them I was told my "free" month would be in November.

Well with how my luck goes - I decided I had best keep the $32.00 in my bank account "just in case" they take it out in November. Oh and glory be - guess what happened - they charged my account. So I was thrilled with myself for keeping the money in the account and preventing me from going negative.

After talking with them this morning - I am going to get two free months instead of the one free month. Although I don't get them until January and February.

Okay - so I decide to get online to check my bank account. I should have had whole $0.26 in my account. Yet when I logged into it and it pulled up my account information - it was a negative $15.60. Oh joy. What in the world is going on now?!

I opened up the account to figure out what is going on. You see two days ago when I reconciled my account everything had cleared. I had nothing outstanding. So why today am I negative? Just shoot me!

I find that there is a pending charge for $15.86. Not sure what it is for since it is pending. Yet I can't afford to have my account negative when it goes through. That will start me off when I do get my check at $948.14 and I would have to sit and figure out what wasn't going to be paid this month. Then it would take me months to make it up.

Not getting child support; even with how little it was from Keith (Kyle's dad) is killing me. I used that money for gas and well now we don't even have he one check a month he was sending. He was a useless piece of crap and yet I know - I was involved with him. Okay enough about that.

So I went into panic mode this morning. You know what I ended up doing. Being a terrible mom. Yup that is right - I stole from my youngest son. He has a state quarters collection and it was enough to put my account positive (along with returning all of my bottles and all of my change). I feel like crap - I stole from my 8 year old son. So now I have to work on replacing all his quarters - which will not be an easy thing to do.

Some days I just wonder how in the world I have survived this long.

Here is the thing - I do know we need money to survive. We all have to have some kind of income to be able to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles, and sometimes splurge on fun things.

I have never though believed money makes you happy. I know it helps make some people happy but I don't want my children to grow up thinking that having possessions are super important and they have to do whatever to get it.

I see that with Kyle. It really makes me sad but then again - it is what my dad does as well (and sometimes my mom). When I left home the whole thing for them was, "What about all your things? What about all the stuff we have bought the boys over the years?"

Well let me think about that a moment - ummm things don't really matter to me and the more you point out all the "things" we left behind the more Kyle gets upset - so knock it off!

My oldest son has many issues and teaching him that things are important is not going to help. I know money does make things easier but it isn't what makes one happy. Yes I am always happier and less stressed when I am not worried about money but I don't have to have a ton of money to make my life great.

You know that each month I live off of $998.00. Not a lot really. It pays for the basic things we need. That is the important thing I believe. Yet in the end how do you get your children to see that is all that is important? That just being with family and having the love of them means more than being able to go and see a movie...

Bipolar and Pregnancy

Yesterday was a roller coaster for me. Yesterday morning was okay. I did just fine. Then as the afternoon came on I started to progress downward. Then by evening I was a mess.

I live in a roller coaster world. When pregnant I have always been pretty stable; at least with my other two pregnancies. This one has thrown me for a loop.

I have had major depression. I have had some mania. I have all around be someone who is on a cycle during this pregnancy. I have been an emotional wreck and it makes me worried.

I shut down when around people when it comes to bipolar. It isn't right but I tend to do that. When I am dealing with bipolar issues I have no faith that people will try to understand. I just assume it is going to be like the past.

I wrote for myself last night after Jack left. I made him leave. I would not open up to him. I would not talk to him. All I did was laid there crying and shutting him out. I knew what I was doing. I knew he would leave. I also knew there was a chance I blew the whole thing by doing it.

I sent him what I wrote. It wasn't for him. It wasn't to him. Although I am hoping he sees a bit of what I deal with. It was a mess. It was the inside of my thoughts. I was honest and because I was writing for me I wasn't concerned about what I wrote. I didn't look for the correct words to place so as not to hurt anyone. I just wrote for me.

Who knows what will come of it. I am sure (in my head) that he will run. Who would not run when they read my thoughts. If I was a normal person - I personally would run myself.

Please pray for this roller coaster I seem to be on. I need to be on meds but won't do it while pregnant. I have a while to go before she gets here and they are getting more extreme.

Isabella Update...

Had an appointment today for the pregnancy. It was a combination appointment which seemed to take forever. We were to have the monthly ultrasound done, the bi-weekly NST done and the regular visit with the OB.

The ultrasound was amazing. We were not at a machine that had the ability to the do the 3-D today. It was kind of disappointing and yet at the same time - just seeing her is amazing. She weights exactly 5 pounds today (33 weeks and 4 days). She was at the 48% for her weight. Although this is about the time that diabetic babies pack on the pounds - so she could easily shoot up the charts for her weight! I am going to attach a couple of ultrasound pics from today at the bottom of the post - as well as some from the last ultrasound that was about a month ago. She has gained almost 2 full pounds in the last month! At the last ultrasound she was at 3 pounds 2 ounces. YIKES!

Her mouth was going like crazy today as well! Her tongue was in and out of her mouth like mad. It was so cute to see. She was also practicing her breathing today. It was awesome to see! We also got to see her blink. Oh seeing all of this going on inside of me is just amazing!!!!

The NST went well today. Seemed to take forever but in the end I know it is worth it.

The visit with the OB went okay. We talked about when I go into the hospital and what will need to be done. He wants to put me on heparin about 6 to 12 hours after she is born because if I start to bleed to much - it is short acting and they can deal with that. I will have to have compression leg things on me while I am off the heparin until I am at therapeutic levels again. What fun.

Overall - today the visit went well! I am much happier than I thought I was going to be. Not sure why I thought I would not be happy but was just worried things would be blah when I left there.

This is Isabella blinking. This was taken today!

This is the second shot of her blinking. This was taken today! It was so cool seeing her blink!

This is her ear!

Jack kept on saying he was sure she didn't have ears because we never saw them. So the tech took a picture for him. This was taken on 10/09/07.

Here are the last two shots of her from 10/09/07!

Do You Ever Feel Like One of These?

Are you in need of Courage, Heart or Brain?

Today I am feeling like:

If I only had a brain!

What an Update...

Well I have not done an update since November 1st and that wasn't really an update on life. So this is going to be a jumbled post to try and catch up everyone on life.

I am at two non-stress tests (NST's) a week now. I normally go on Monday's and Thursday's. Not a lot of fun to just sit there for 20 minutes. Although I have yet to just sit there for 20 minutes.

The heart rate is supposed to be taken while the baby is awake. Okay well when Isabella is awake (heart rate needs to be over 140) she is moving non-stop. Her heart rate is usually up in the 190's. Well they can't take you off of the monitor if the heart rate is over 180! So I sit forever.

Or then there is the time when she isn't awake and no matter what they do (give me water to drink, buzz and zap Isabella) she wakes for a moment and then back to sleep she goes. So it takes forever.

I must admit it hasn't been that bad yet because I have heard of women sitting for hours and hours for these things and I am usually out of there in a hour - so for that I am grateful! Yet the driving two and from twice a week plus my once a week for the other OB - gas, gas, and more gas! Gets a bit frustrating when you are without a job.

Well to save on gas on November 1st I headed over to the local social security office. I have been getting disability since 2003.

I have bipolar disorder and I have been in a mental health hospital twice now. Not a big deal really but Todd was not supportive and felt that they were my bills and he was not going to help pay them. So I had to look to non-profit organizations to help me pay for it. They would not help because of Todd's income though so they suggested I go to the state.

So I went to the state of Michigan for help. Well since I had a private insurance they assume that you have a disability and won't even process your help for medical assistance until after you have applied for Social Security Disability. So that is what I did. I didn't expect to get it - thought I would get the help from the state. Instead I got approved for disability. Got the approval for Medicaid as well but with a $10000.00 spend down per month. Well if I had that money I would not have needed the help in the first place.

Anyway - I went there because after years and years of calling to see if my children qualified for SI (supplemental income) I finally got an appointment and was told they should qualify. Well I got a letter while I was in the hospital telling me I needed to send them an original birth certificate for Kyle. So I called the 800 number on the sheet of paper I had. Well I asked them if I could just go into the local office to get it taken care of because they could not guarantee they would sent it back to me and I wasn't going to waste $13 to get a new one for him.

I was a bit disappointed though. I went and did the whole interview on the 1st. It was nice to get it over with actually. Although I was disappointed because I found out had I applied for it (SI) for the boys back when I applied - I would have had a back-check for the boys that I could have bought a trailer with. That would have eliminated my monthly expenses by over $400 a month. So because the lady who did the original interview said to me your boys won't qualify for it so do you really want to waste my time and your time - it takes about a hour to do. I said no.

So learn this lesson from me - if you EVER need to apply for anything - make sure you apply for everything when you first apply!

So now here is a glimpse into my weekend... Jack has been around most weekends. He comes over after work/football games on Friday nights. Comes over on Saturday nights and occasional comes over on Sunday nights.

Well this weekend was no different. It just makes me wonder though. I try not to worry or think about it but it does make me wonder what will it be like when Isabella is finally here.

Is he going to come and go like he does now? Is he only going to be here at nights? Is he going to just assume because she lives with me that he can still do what he wants when he wants without talking to me first? Is anything going to really change?

I have told some friends before that things just don't change once a baby is born. Men don't just change because a baby is here. I have seen it before; Todd didn't change. Neither did Keith. Chad hasn't changed. Paul hasn't changed. I mean seriously - I don't see men changing once the babies are here. I wish it did happen but it just doesn't seem to be the case...

I am also having nightmares. I am having dreams that I got into labor early and I can't reach Jack. Of course this is a normal thing but I don't like the feelings I have when I wake up from them. I am having panic attacks... It is the worse feeling in the world. I told him I was feeling like that last night and he said well that's it - I am not going hunting. I told him not to be crazy he was going hunting. I have never gone into labor early unless induced so I am not too worried about it but you know with all that has gone wrong this pregnancy - it is something that might be there as a problem.

Really what else went on this weekend was not much. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday working on the mounds of dirty laundry that has built up in my house.

After being in the hospital and being put on bed-rest - I have been doing a load a day. Yet keep in mind - normally that would be all that I needed to do; a load (or two) a day. Of course though while I was gone - no one did the laundry for me so I have been playing catch up on my laundry.

I am still not finished with it but I am so much closer than I was. I hate laundry. I really do. I love the clean clothing you get afterwards but I hate the washing, drying, folding/hanging and then putting it away.

I guess if I wasn't 33 weeks pregnant it might be a bit easier to bend over to get it taken care of. Unfortunately I am 33 weeks pregnant and Isabella is growing like a weed. Her bottom is up in my ribs now 99% of the time. So most things I do take a bit of extra effort to get accomplished...

The Day After Halloween....

It was a rainy night last night. It started to sprinkle as we went outside - go figure. Then it started to get really windy. We still went trick or treating though.

We didn't make it through the whole neighborhood as they had planned. After about a hour and 15 minutes of walking Adam's feet were hurting and Kyle was tired of doing it as well. So we left.

I broke my umbrella. Actually the wind broke my umbrella. I cut myself on it. At least I was able to get it to stop bleeding. Darn blood thinners!

Below are some pictures of the boys on Halloween. I am going to be picture happy for a while now.

Ninja Adam

Deathman Kyle

Adam with his pumpkin and bag of candy after we got home.

Kyle with his pumpkin and bag of candy after we got home.

Kyle and Adam after we got home. Yes I have taught my children to not play with guns and knives and swords. You can see how well they have learned.


Finally got a really good smile out of Adam. Only to have Kyle in the background being a ham as usual!