Friendships...

What do you excel at? I excel at sabotaging relationships.

Actually that is true and not true... I am good at it but I am tried of it.

Today I cut off some friendships that seem to be unhealthy for me. I feel bad but at the same time I don't feel so bad. I was as honest as I could be and I am going on.

I am sure they will be shocked and hurt and whatever else but I am done with it.

I have not been a good friend to a lot of people. I have been a good friend to other people. Overall I haven't been the best friend and that is probably what sticks out most in my head.

I just need to zip it and go on with my life as it is...

You know what my biggest downfall is with friends. I struggle with being honest with them. I vent to others behind their back because I am to afraid to hurt their feelings. There are some who I just say whatever to because they have thick skin or they can take it. Then there are some who I would not darn say anything to because they take it to heart and get angry at me.

It is best if I just back away from everyone. Work on myself. Work on my relationships with God. Find a new church home.

Mediation

Mediation has been scheduled for August 22nd and I can't afford it.

Todd had told me back in June he was going to pay for my 1/2 and now he is taking it back. He isn't going to pay for my 1/2 and we have to go.

I can't afford it and why should I have to pay for mediation when Todd won't agree to anything. I am not asking for much. Yet he is not happy and wants more and more.

I want to curl up and just cry and never get back up. I am so tired of all of this crude.

We are trying to settle prior to the mediation but Todd won't settle on anything unless it is exactly what he wants; which is full custody of Adam or at least joint with 50% time with Adam (no child support but he expects me to pay for everything for him) and me getting nothing from our house or anything.

He lies and manipulates and I look like an idiot all the time around him because he does lie and manipulates and it makes me crazy.

Please just pray. I have to go to mediation and I don't have the money for it.

As Expected...

As I expected he "tabled" the whole thing I put on paper expect for the visitation and what I offered was not good enough for him...

So to be honest I didn't even read the whole thing.

I told him that visitation was to stay as I outlined last week and if he did not remember what that was I would reiterate that for him.

If he was not satisfied with what he has now he needed to contact his lawyer and we needed to go to court for the judge to decide.

I am done. I am not going to be divorced for a long time. He is not willing to do anything unless it is on his terms and his terms are not acceptable to me.

He is saying things to Adam and Kyle (when Kyle goes) and they are not appropriate and it is turning the boys against me. I most days am beaten down because it is so draining dealing with all this.

We were supposed to go to court in May and it was put off and now until we agree on visitation he won't talk about anything.

It is his way of once again having control over me and my life. It just kills me.

I always want to believe he has changed but the truth is he doesn't. He can say he does till he is blue in the face but his actions show more than his words ever will.

The bad thing is - he is now manipulating the boys and Adam isn't Adam when he comes home. I hate watching it but what can I do about it.

Solutions...

I am looking for solutions to things in my life. Things have been difficult with the pending divorce and never moving anywhere.

Todd is more than happy with nothing moving forward and in many aspects alienating the boys against me. It kills me. I find myself opening my mouth then about things that do not concern them and then I kick myself.

I am really good at saying, "These things are not appropriate for us to be talking about. It is between your dad (or Todd) and I" but lately the more and more that is said - the less and less I am saying that. I get mad at myself then for being so darn baited like that.

I do not know if I told anyone but I changed the visitation schedule. It did not make Todd happy at all but in all honesty he has to comply since there is nothing on record with the courts for visitation.

So we both have things we want and need right now. I want to be able to help us both out. I sent him a message and I am hoping to hear from him soon about it.

I am thinking in the end he is not going to agree to it but I would like to keep the possibilities open for it to happen. It won't get my credit cards or lawyer bill paid off like what was hoped for when all of this started but I am doing my best to pay Ken what is owed to him at this point in time. Yet it would solve a housing dilemma at this point in time (I am thinking).

I am tired of this all dragging on. Please pray for resolution.

Job

I have an opportunity for a job. I have orientation/interview tomorrow evening. It is for something I have wanted to do for a long time but never was able to afford the training classes/license.

So I am going to go tomorrow night with an open mind. Hoping that maybe there is a way to do it this time even though I am on my own.

I am not going to get into details right now but it is on Tuesday the 7th @ 7:30.

So if you pray - please do....

Very Tired

I am worn out. I have no idea how I am going to keep on going. I feel as if there are just no solutions anymore to anything.

Just pray for me if you do - I feel as if I am hitting a brick wall daily with everything that goes on...

Scattered Thoughts

Some days are good and some are bad. Being pregnant and the hormones are tiring at times. I try to have more good days than bad but lately it has been hard to do.

I am wanting the divorce to be over with. Technically right now it can be over with. It is not because I can not get Todd to agree to anything it seems. He has two things he wants and it leaves me with nothing. I can not agree to that. So something has come to light and I think I might be able to apply this for us to move forward. I am praying about it but this has been on my mind for a long while. I guess I just have to find out how to approach it.

I am going to be 20 weeks as of tomorrow. Still don't know if it is a boy or girl. Have another ultrasound on the 17th of August and am hoping that the bean cooperates. I guess we don't have to know but I would like to know so I don't get everything just neutral; which is what I get now when I have the money.

Looking for patience and peace. I seem to be lacking in those things right now. Not really lacking in patience but lacking in the waiting for things to fall into place. I want answers now and of course that isn't going to happen - I have to wait.

Someone reminded me that God knew this baby was coming and it is a blessing - even if it isn't the best circumstances. Lately I really needed that reminder.

If you want something specific to pray for - pray for finances to fall into place and a home for all of us to fall into place.