What a Screw Up....

My day has been once again filled with tears. I just can't win. I spent time on the phone today with my creditors I am not able to pay. Of course they are all credit cards or what not.

By the last call I was in tears. This lady was telling me she didn't care what I had to do but I had better come up with $77 by the end of the month. I am 60 days away from the account being charged off and being sent to their attorneys and then they will just garnish my wages and that is 25% of whatever I earn.

I told her I could not work outside of the home - I am not getting any money. Explained the story to them yet once again. Explained the money I get is disability and that I am doing my best but I just don't have it.

She started to yell at me telling me she was just going to recommend my account be sent to their attorneys now because it is obvious to her I never intended to pay this account since when I opened the credit card I was already on disability and had no way to pay. I tried to tell her I was paying it on time and in full every month and I did intend to pay but she just kept going on and on. Telling me how wrong I am and I was wrong to charge this stuff and I was in tears.

She would not listen to me and I ended up hanging up on her. Then I tried to call the original person back and they would no longer accept calls from my number.

I have tried and tried and now for sure - my credit that took me so long to freakin repair is gone again...

I am feeling like one hell of a loser right now. I am thinking more and more I should just give this baby up. I can't even take care of my current bills - what is going to change. I always seem to be in the same boat all the time. A person who can't pay her bills - who ruins her credit - who will never have a house or a family the way it should be.

Missing People...

There are people I miss in my life - even if I get to see them. Why do I have such a hard time telling those people that I want to see them because I miss them?

I am not one who ever wants to be vulnerable. I do not want to seem like I need or want someone in my life. I am not a person who likes others to see my weaknesses.

Is this a struggle that a lot of people have or is it something that is brought on by the life we lead?

I guess I need to learn how to be vulnerable and tell those around me that I would like to see them because I miss them. It isn't easy and I am sure it won't happen overnight either. I just need to work towards it I guess...

What a Day...

I have been in tears most of this day. My oldest is home and I am back in tears. I have yelled at him two times today - just lost it those two times. The rest of the time it was just me talking to him about what was going on. Yet nothing seems to matter.

I have found out some interesting things about myself today. Apparently according to my parents I am selfish to think that people outside of my home will abide by the rules if the kids are grounded or in trouble. It seems that according to my dad it is his house and his rules and my rules don't matter.

It really hit me today how much I can't do this on my own. I can not handle my oldest son. He hates me and it shows with every breath he takes when he isn't getting his way.

All I asked today was for the boys to clean their room. It has been a non-stop battle since. I finally told them until it was clean - there is no TV or games. Then that is when the whole it doesn't matter I will just to go grandpa's because it is his house and his rules.

I really am doing this all on my own aren't I. I have had no help for the last 10 years and now here once again I am going to be starting from scratch and on my own.

The biggest complaint today is how much they hate it here. There is nothing to do. No kids to play with. No where to go to have fun. No money to do anything.

They are right - but it is all I can afford and that is stretching it even then. I don't have any extra money at the beginning, middle or end of the month. I never do. I can't take them to the movies, out to eat or some place fun. I don't have the money for it and yet Todd and who ever else in their life does.

Guess I am not really providing for them then am I...

I am just at a loss today...

God Never Gives More Than You Can Handle....

When I hear this statement I cringe. I tend to not get into debates with people over this because I don't know the Bible all that well. Yet I know that statement is NEVER found in the Bible!

God never allows more to happen in your life than He can handle. God allows situations to happen so that you are broken down and have no choice but to cry out and totally rely upon Him.

If God never gave us more than we could handle - what would we need Him for?

I really think it is sad to watch parents teach children that God never gives you more than you can handle because that gives them the wrong ideas about what God will allow. Since what we think we can handle and what God allows to happen will never be the same thing. Why give them a false impression about what God allows in peoples lives?

The sad thing right now is that I am not totally broken. You would think with everything that goes on in my life and how stressed I am - I would be at the bottom and unable to get up without His help and yet I just keep on standing up and getting knocked back down.

I have been trying to focus on why I am like this. I have been trying to work through the fact that I don't/can't depend upon myself fully. Hopefully someday soon - I will get there...

Frustration

I left my husband over 10 months ago now. It hasn't been easy but when I left - I told him why I was leaving and what he had to do in order for us to come back home. He never read the whole letter - said it was just a repeat of what I always said and there was no need for him to read the whole thing.

It is a shame that he never read the whole letter. It really was to be the starting point of where things went for our marriage. Either he understood why the things needed to be done or he decided he didn't care and the marriage was over.

For 10 months now he has thought that this is just a break. Being apart would fix what went wrong with us. This is even after I filed for divorce. Are people really that caught up in their own world that they don't realize how serious some people are?

I was doing just fine and making it on my own until my blood clot. After I lost my job I felt like I lost a part of me. Depression really started to set in then. It hasn't seemed to let us since that point.

Most of my worries at this point reside in finances. I realized yesterday that I have 3 months to come up with a down payment or first months rent/deposit for some place new to live. Then after that I have 2 months to come up with money for all of the things I need for the baby. Where is this money going to come from?

Each month I have to pick and choose what to pay. I have not paid a single credit card since February. I am kicking myself right now. I spent 9 years digging myself out of the whole I put myself in when I was 18. When I left Todd I had great credit. I was paying everything on time. I had no problems with what was going on. There was no picking and choosing what to pay - even without the child support coming in.

Maybe my depression is from the fact that I feel like everyone was right. Here I am once again putting myself into a hole. Here I am once again not able to make it on my own. Here I am once again in way over my head. Here I am once again a failure.

Yet the difference is this time - I am not looking for some guy to come and save me. So maybe I am not as big of a failure as I feel like because even if I am failing - I am doing it on my own. I don't need anyone to save me - I need to save myself and dig myself out.

Some days are really hard. The days I have to tell my children I would love to do that but can't because we can't afford it. How sad is it to tell your children you can't afford a donut or to go to the park (because of gas). I don't even share anymore because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I actually have started to avoid people because I hate hearing why don't you go here (example - many have suggested I drive to a movie theater in the city because it is a great view of the fireworks) or there or do this with the boys or that with the boys and I don't want to be honest with them about why I don't or more so can't.

I left my husband 10 months ago. I left my marriage in January. I struggle daily and he thrives (okay so maybe he isn't thriving but it feels like it most of the time). I sit in this tiny apartment and he has our house. I can't pay my bills and he is buying expensive toys for our son. I lost my lawyer and he is going to get everything he wanted and more. I can't pay for my medication and he is having no problems paying for his.

I have $1.08 to my name, no gas in my car, no money for my medication, no money for cough medicine for my son, and depression to boot. I keep on looking for the positive side of things but I am struggling to find it.

So please just pray that I find that positive.

Clarification!

It isn't my brother and sister-in-law who are abusing my son.

It is someone at his birth fathers house. More than likely his grandfather.

Weekend

This blog is going to be scattered. My brain is still scattered so just try and bear with me on this day...

It wasn't a busy weekend for me. To be honest it never is a busy weekend for me. My weekend pretty much consisted of trying to keep my brain busy enough not to think about the events of Friday.

Jack came over on Friday night (Jack for those of you who don't know is the babies dad). He is not one for crying. It drives him nuts but I think it drives him nuts because he doesn't want to hear someone hurting; so I guess it isn't all bad. He asked me Friday afternoon if I wanted him to come over and I told him it was up to him because all I was probably going to be doing was crying and knowing how well he enjoyed that I wasn't going to ask him to come over. He showed up after work. I was still sitting on the couch crying. He kind of rubbed my head then sat down. Then asked me to come to him and just held me while I cried. He is the first guy I can remember who didn't try and fix what was wrong. He was just there.

I have been trying for at home jobs I can do while the kids are gone or sleeping. Found a few at home customer service reps and so on. Actually got accepted this weekend into one of them. Finished all the training and had to do the 25 1st calls to become accepted and I did that on Saturday and was accepted by Sunday. It does not pay the best but it is money coming in I guess. Plus I won't have to pay a sitter. At first you can only get guaranteed hours on the weekend - unless you sit there in the scheduler and someone cancels time and you are quick to grab it. Yet you can log in at anytime - just not promised any calls because they give them to those who are committed to that time first and foremost. It will be okay though. From just working a bit this weekend I made some money so I feel better about that overall. Not going to be the amount I need to be making but it is a start.

I know most of you have your family around you all the time so you don't get to be alone. Then when you are alone that time is just precious and you don't waste it. I feel as if my weekends are just wasted. The boys are not around. I do talk to Jack on Saturday and a lot of the times I get to see him as well but it isn't until after he is out of work. Yet most of the time right now I lay around doing nothing. I could be doing some cleaning. I could be doing laundry. I could be doing something constructive and yet I lay around - reading or watching TV. I leave my house so infrequently on the weekends. To be honest I can't even tell you the last time I left the house on a weekend.

I have this depression going on. Something I hide really well around others because if they knew they would worry. Yet it is there. I have always been good at hiding what really goes on inside of me. A few pick up on it here and there when it is so bad I can't hide it but after a few days I am able to just go on. Plus those who do pick up on it - I always blame it on something unrelated and they never have a clue.

How do you send a child off to get help for something no one around here can give? How do you help this child see it is for him and not just because no one loves him and no one wants him around? My son is a professional at sabotaging relationships and he learned this from me. He is going to once again feel abandoned and alone if he is accepted at this school. In the end though I know it is for his best. I don't even want to think about it though because it just makes me cry. I failed my son on every level you can as a parent. I had him young. I didn't raise him from 2.5 until 5. He was emotional abused and ignored and made to feel like the worse person alive for the past 9 years. He was or is being sexually abused. If someone can't help him and soon he is going to end up in jail, living on the streets or worse yet dead. He isn't going to get better living with family who do not know how to deal with this type of thing. His teachers are drained from all the time they put into him. My brother and sister-in-law are drained and it is hurting their marriage. He hates me and it is no wonder why and because of that - does everything to put me. I failed my son.