As Is..

That seemed to be the theme yesterday...

Sorrow

I know Kyle and my relationship did not become this way overnight and I know it won't get better overnight either. Yet each day he pushes more and more and I break. I end up yelling at him.

He is rude, he is disrespectful, he refuses to do anything that is asked of him and getting him to do his consequence is next to impossible.

I am in tears every day for many reasons. Partly because I know I brought this on myself. I treated him so badly. He and I are very much alike and in turn we butt heads... I am pulling my hair out and I do not know how long I can take this.

To be honest this is just one of many things that are bringing me to this point.

The insurance issue, the dealing with my husband who believes and twists reality, the car breaking down left and right, the lack of apartment, the many other broken relationships in my life and so many other things. It is just one thing after another.

I have a friend who is dealing with a lot of stuff and I am struggling with just listening. I don't want to give her advice because my advice is very tainted right now. I am very upset with her husband though and his double standard. They have both been friends of mine for a long time now but the whole thing is - looking in; I am really sad by watching it. I hate seeing the possibility of them going through the same thing I am going through right now and I can see it happening. Not tomorrow but - give it some time. I would venture a guess though that if things do not change; within about 6 years she would find a way to make it on her own. It makes me really, really sad...

I have to get going. If you read this please pray - I go see my PDoc tonight.

Beaten Down...

How in the heck will we get anywhere?

He can't even remember the conversation we had two days prior with the therapist! How the heck are we going to accomplish anything?

The breakfast on Friday is now something I screwed up because he remembers trying to set up a time and place with me and I refused so he told me to call him and let him know.

How do you deal with someone who isn't in the same reality you are?

I am tired. I am really tired. I can't keep fighting his truth when it is not real to anyone but him.

I do not even want to go to our breakfast meeting on Friday because everything that is said will be twisted and turned and I can't keep on doing this...

I don't even want to try right now. I know it is wrong but that is how I am feeling right this second.

He always puts words in my mouth, he is always twisting what was said or not said and I am tired from fighting over it all.

I am ready to lay down and not get back up..

Peace...

So it is Sunday. I have been speaking with my Pastors on a regular basis. Either in email, on the phone or in person. They have been aware of my steps, my struggles and my ups and downs.

I am sitting here today with the TV on in front of me. I am watching NASCAR. This is the weekend they are in Alabama at Talledaga. Back in 2004 Todd and I were in a real struggle. We had not been intimate in 255 days total (in a row). He hated me because I caught him doing things and he was mean about it. I was praying a lot for strength and the wisdom to do what was right.

He called on a Friday at about 4:30 and asked what we were doing for the weekend. I said church and Kyles football game. He asked if we would like to go to Alabama for the race. One of the guys he worked with was making a last minute trip down there with his family and they asked if we wanted to join them.

So we did. We got everything ready and then after Kyles game headed down to Alabama for the race on Sunday. It was a wonderful time. We got along. We didn't fight even though we spent 28 hours in the car together. We stopped at different spots on the way home to explore and look around. We had a wonderful weekend.

Now here I am this weekend - watching the race on TV and my husband is no where to be seen. I can't go into the next room to say hey. I can't lay down in bed and have him cuddle with me. I can't go give him a hug. I can't reach out to him.

My heart is breaking today. I talked with Pastor Mark today. I prayed with Pastor Mark today. I know it is okay. I know I will be okay. I know the Lord loves me. I know He is with both of us during this time.

Please pray for peace with all who are involved right now. We have some very rough times ahead of us and we all need to know that the Lord is with us and we will be okay.

Another Day Down...

So I called the legal aid office today.

He was supposed to call today for a breakfast meeting and I was supposed to pick the place we were to go. He never called until he called about Adam and I asked him if he forgot about our breakfast date he said no.

He changed our prescription coverage to 50% and never said word one to me and he has had plenty of time to do it. It isn't just that - he changed our whole health plan and never said a thing.

Kyles scripts are gonna cost me around $200+ a month. My one script alone is 200. Plus I have all my other stuff.

He knows money is an issue and yet this. He refuses to pay for 100% of therapy and I can't afford it now. Every cent I am earning with my job will have to go for all of our prescriptions each month and there is no way around it.

I am at a loss. I am tired of being the only one who is trying. I am tired of the lies. Please pray for me this weekend because right now I am beyond broken.

I try to see it through his eyes. I try to understand where he is coming from.

I don't see anything now. I just see how upset I am. How hurt I am.

Have no idea where this phone call with go. Probably no where. I am just working on my options right now.

Please pray.

It just keeps on getting harder and harder.

I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Someone said they thought maybe (with the phone calls) he just didn't want me to miss the calls. I tried to see that he was only concerned. Nope - his next email said something about how he doesn't have time to deal with my phone calls during the day and so on.

There are days I have so much hope and then something else goes wrong and I lose all hope again.

How long do I need to try and try to be stomped on again and again....

Here's the Deal...

We have started therapy and things are going.

I have realized what the deal is.

Our issues are deep but anyone who knows about us knows that.

I am a mean mom to my oldest son. I truly am. I am cold to him. I am mean to him. I am rude to him. I don't show him respect. I long ago cut myself off from him emotionally. I know why; something came to me and it is so hard for me to even admit.

It isn't that I hate my son but I turned off my emotions for him long ago because in order to make it in the house we were living in - I had to. I could not stand watching him be treated the way he was but I had no voice and I didn't know how to stop it. I was living in fear of my DH leaving me and thus leaving all of us stranded.

I have let this go on for years and years and year. It is no wonder he is like the way he is - who would not be; being grounded all the time, not feeling loved every, not being allowed to talk or voice your opinion and the list goes on.

I really need prayers right now... A few things I know right now...

1. I do not know if I can lay my heart and soul out there right now. Each and every time I do it gets smashed and crushed and hurt and I am not ready to go through that again.

2. I have been told I need to know when enough is enough or where my limit is. I do know some of it but not all of it. One thing is for sure - I will not move my children back into that home with things remaining the way they are; yes our marriage is broken but our children need to be treated different as well.

3. I am dealing with a lot of angry towards my DH and towards myself. I am not harboring anger; I am dealing with it as it comes and I am truly working through it all (I see a therapist on my own) but each time I get through one bit of it another one shows up. It is getting very tiring.

4. I do not love my DH right now. Please no lectures on this. For a while I was struggling with this but right now I believe it is okay and the reason is because we never had a courtship or anything. We never developed a love for each other. I got pregnant and he stayed. I didn't love myself how could I love anyone else. I have nothing to look back on and truly we had some good times but the bad times are what I see right now. I have no love for DH now. Now the reason I am okay with it right now is because I do not want to go back to the way things were so I don't want that old love to be there. I want new and better and Godly. If we go back to what we had; we will be right where we were before.

5. I really need to have inner peace. Actually I do and God is showing me that it is okay and He is with me. I am just struggling with the negative things people are saying to me. I have a few people in my life who never see the things that go on as God opening doors for me; they just see all the negative that goes with it. I need to have the peace when those around me try to invite the enemy in.

Emotionally Drained

What a day...

Took my car back into Saturn. Another thing wrong with it. No joke. How in the heck can anything else go wrong on my car? 4 weeks in a row now. FOUR! Before leaving I stopped in and asked if there is literally anything else that could go wrong - of course there are other things that could go wrong on it; how silly to think everything could be fixed.

Then lets look at the fact I had marriage therapy today. Yup that went - it went. We are going to have breakfast on Friday. He is going to call me and I need to think about where to go. I am thinking either Burger King or McDonalds. It is all I can afford. It is supposed to be a weekly update meeting. Nothing in depth. Just to talk about what goes on during the week, my new job, the kids, and stuff like that.

Then tonight Tony and I had a talk about Kyle. I knew it was coming though. I knew it was coming because I made Kyle go to bed when we got home from church. Of course that came up because Kyle told me on the way home he has homework. I am mean to Kyle. I have cut myself off from him emotionally. I did it because with Todd around I could not talk to him, he was always in trouble and so many other things. I know I did this and I know I have to fix it. I just don't know how right now.

I am emotionally drained tonight. I am emotionally drained.

My heart is not in the right spot over anything right now. I have doubts about almost everything. I am really thinking that I don't even want my marriage to work. Yes you read that right.

I am not going to get into why or defend myself because there is nothing to defend. It is just how I am feeling.