Choir Song...

Last night at choir a new song was introduced to us that they are going to sing this coming Sunday. It really touched a special spot in my heart....

Break Through
(Tommy Walker)
Verse:
Break through, break through all my doubts.
Break through, break through all my fears.
Break through
That I may worship You.
Break through, break through all my pain.
Break through, all my guilt and my shame.
Break through
Like only You can do.
Chorus:
You are brighter than my darkest night.
Stronger than my toughest fight.
Just one touch from You, my King, my Friend,
And I'll never be the same again.

Talk about an amazing song!

Todays Lunch

Not even sure what to say or feel right now. Today's lunch did not go well at all. As a matter of fact I walked out before we ever ate lunch.

He thinks it is a game. He thinks I am playing a game. I am just astounded that he still thinks it is a game.

He said things like - you started it now you need to finish it; you didn't get your way so you threw a fit and left and now want me to meet all your demands; I will go to work on us but it us all up to you; I won't go to our pastor who I see every day because they don't need to be in my business. It does go on but I left.

I love my husband and I am pretty sure that today by walking out on that lunch I just ended my marriage. It isn't a game - it is very real. I am about to lose my marriage because after nine years I decided I needed boundaries in it.

No one in real life but Lisa's understands. The rest of my family does not get it I don't think. Lindsey was a bit shocked; or sounded shocked when I told her I left.

This is not something I just decided to do. I really had hoped he would want this marriage. I really had hoped he would see we need help. I really had hoped he would see this is not a game.

I have been very hurt and sad and angry and hardened and teary today. I cried the whole way home. I cried most of the afternoon. I wish the tears would stop - I really wish they would stop.

Now I guess I just wait; wait for the divorce papers to be served to me. Or maybe I wait and hope he will see it isn't a game. Or maybe I just don't know.I am still praying that he sees this isn't a game.

I am still praying he sees I want him and no one else. I am still praying that God answers my prayers.

I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say today. I could not get it out after the whole game thing. I am still in shock that he thinks it is a game.

Please pray for him. He told me today he is pissed off. Pissed at my timing when his company is about to go under and he needs to be devoting all his time to it and he can't focus on it. Sorry but I didn't pick this time - God did. I just prayed and followed....

Please, please, please, please pray

Broken Relationships

Today a lot of things have dawned on me. When I became a Christian a couple of years ago I know that the Lord forgave me for all the sins I had committed in the past.

Over the past few days though it has really become apparent that most if not all of my relationships in the flesh are broken. They are broken because of the things I have done in the past prior to being a Christian.

Now because the Lord has forgiven me does not mean the damage I caused will go away. I have to ask for forgiveness and I should be forgiven but it does not mean it will repair the damage that I had caused.

I can not work on fixing more than one broken relationship at a time though. I just can not do it. It is very draining to be trying to fix something I damaged and because of that maybe I am causing more damage with the already broken relationships.

Today my husband called me. We will be meeting tomorrow so he knows what I plan on doing. I was really caught off guard with that. What I am planning on doing?! I thought I had made it clear in the letter what I needed to have happen. I guess I was wrong.

As I was reflecting it all dawned on me... If he isn't willing to get help with a therapist and pay for it then we are just to broken. I am willing to accept now that we might be to broken. I have felt like I have tried and tried and tried. I have asked us to get help many times. I have asked for forgiveness many times. I have apologized for my many fault and I have improved from time to time.

I am not the person I was 2.5 years ago. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing laundry. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing dishes. I am not the person who gets mad and looks for revenge. I am not the person who feels lost and alone all the time.

I have changed. I don't just speak without thinking now. I pray about almost all my decisions. I have a church family I love. I am different in what I find to be acceptable and unacceptable. Things like movies; I do not enjoy seeing sex scenes, I do not like nudity, I do not enjoy constant swearing, and I do not like seeing seductive/lack of clothing. Plus more things. What I expect in marriage is different. I really expect my marriage to be focused on God and what He wants for us. We need to pray together and honor the Lord.

I guess what it comes down to is tomorrow. If he isn't willing to work on this marriage and make it a priority then he needs to tell me it is over. He needs to tell me I am not worth it. I will understand; it isn't going to change the hurt that it will cause but I understand that I caused these consequences a LONG time ago and now I have to live with them.

Please pray for us tomorrow. Pray that the Spirit will be with us and please pray that we hear Him and what He wants for us.

Emotions and Confusion

So Todd called me last night. He wanted to know if I had dinner yet and if not if I wanted to go and we could talk about what we are going to do. At that point I had. I guess he is going to need to realize that if he wants us to meet he needs to get in touch me sooner than when he wants to go. I have to be able to arraign a babysitter for the boys. He told me he would call me later but I have not heard from him since.

Why is it that I feel like he just does not care. He says he cares but his actions speak 10,000 times louder than his words. They always have.

I feel as if I did not try hard enough but I know that isn't true.

Over the past two years I have really changed. Our marriage has really changed but just not enough I guess.

He told me he threw the remote at the closet. Well that is great but I was standing in front of the darn closet. What a hurtful thing to hear. He told me in the shower he threw it at me on purpose and now he is saying he just threw it into the closet but I just happened to be there.

Well we have two closets so why did he pick the one I was in front of? I know the answer to that but I do not think he can admit it.

I don't want this to end in a divorce. So I just sit and wait and wait and wait. How long do I need to wait though. I gave him some choices and he already did follow threw. He doesn't respond to ultimatums. Well that is nice because you don't respond to requests either.

I am very frustrated. I am very sad. I am starting to get angry. I don't want to be angry. He has not even asked to see the kids.

I asked him if he wanted to see the kids and he said no something about him not wanting to see them while he was eating (exact words escape me right now).

The boys start school tomorrow. Kyle will ride the bus and I will drive Adam. Lord protect my children.

Lord I want my marriage to work. Yet only You know where this life will lead me. I trust that You will take care of me, the boys and Todd. We love and honor You. We sing Your praises. We worship You. Lord help my family. In Your name - Amen.

Utter Confusion...

Been over-thinking the conversation Todd and I had last week. More and more I think about what he said and it just makes no sense to me at all.

He has said for a long time he doesn't really believe I am bipolar. So then he was blaming him questioning the money I was spending on if I was manic and then he thought maybe I wasn't taking my meds and then he found a script that I never filled and got worried.

Well he still thinks when I went to pine rest for the mania and then for the depression that I was just faking it and trying to punish him.

So how is it that after all these years (almost 9 to be exact) that he is all of a sudden worried about my bipolar and believes I have it but yet still doesn't think my trips to pine rest were anything more than a payback?

He tells me I am the one playing the games and yet I don't think it is me. Is it wrong to feel as if he is playing games with me and then blaming me for them?

I love him so much it hurts to not be with him. I am sad. I am getting to the point where I am not sad but depressed. It is starting to worry me.

I am really confused and need to stop over analysing everything that is said.

Went to church today. Oh did it feel good. I have missed my church family. I know I only missed one Sunday but really to me - it feels like so much more than one Sunday.

Another Saturday...

It is about 7:30 and once again I am awake. I have been awake for a while now. Just getting up and about though.

I called Todd last night and I find that once again I am making all the effort. He has a wall up and is working on organizing the house.

I am kind of angry and sad today. I need to call because if he thinks it will be it will be a long while before we get help then I am going to put Adam in Rogue Wood because I can't afford to drive him back and forth every day with a job. I can if I have a part time job but if I get a full time job I won't be able to do that. He will need to be able to ride the bus.

He has not even asked to see the boys. He told me he put walls up and maybe he does not want them to come down.

I am getting a computer today. I also need to get some female things - like a new bra. My old one had the underwire snap - it is pinching me and I need a new one.

Last night was a really rough night for me. I found myself hating going to bed. I go into a single bed, alone and there is no one there. I am depressed. I am missing my husband and his arms. I miss his voice and his smell. I miss him. I want him to love me so much that he wants this stuff to be a priority but it isn't. I woke up a few times last night reaching for him. How heart breaking to realize he isn't there and I can't even get out of bed to go to him.

I miss my husband. I miss my marriage. I miss my house. I miss a lot of things. Not much I can do about them now though.

Our Meeting

Todd and I had lunch yesterday. I felt positive when I left there but not as good as I should have felt I tell you.

I cried most of it. Didn't really eat. Every time I started to talk he would cut in and go on and on. It ended with him willing to get help but this was not going to be top priority for a few weeks. He has to get the house organized and his business organized and then he will deal with this. His mom is going to come and help him clean. I can only imagine what is going to be said about the shape the house is in.

I really don't know how I feel right now. Very confused and angry and hurt. I feel as if once again he is in control of what we are or are not doing.

I checked the spectrum website and it says I am up for an interview for two positions. I am pretty excited about that; I think.

I sent Todd some flowers and the note said, "I look forward to making this work. Call me anytime ***-***-****. I love you! Love Amy"

He never called me. I called him a while ago and was hurt again. He said thanks for the flowers. Sorry I didn't call but I was just to busy today to get around to it.

We talked for about 20 minutes. I asked him if he was willing to talk to Lew or if he wanted it to be someone else. He said he didn't know he would think about it.

I was talking about how I missed our home and he said he didn't think it was a good idea and we need to work our problems out first. Great so when is it we are going to be doing that? On his time frame?!

I just have an overwhelming feeling of sadness because I miss him and our home. I am crying a lot right now.